30: Special Delivery, Its A baby!!! A Drowning baby!!!!
Mon, Dec 13, 2004 06\19Nite


Hi everybody, Its Lance-A-Lot-O-Romañce. What's new? This weeke is another week, and I do have a show tonite, so i hope you will read the rest of the news letter despite the fact your will probably miss the show. Either way, I its always nice to see you, and I hope that your holiday season is going jollily.

Tonight (Monday): Matt Motell Presents...
me and some other people.
At a place called Tank Annex in NYC.
Its at 37th st between 7 & 8.
Be there, I'd say by 9.
Word up.

Second, before its too late, as the new year is coming in, it will be 2005. but maybe you are like me, and you like antiques and old things, and so maybe a 2005 calander isn't exactly what you want. or maybe you just can't aford one. Wouldn't it be great if you could just get an old, cheap used calander?? Well, you can. Here are the years which you can reuse, and have the days match up exactly with 2005:

1994
1983
1977
1966
1955
1949
1938
1927
1921
1910

If you want a calander that was made before 1910, i say "Get with the times. Its time to get a new calander."
This year, i will be reusing my 1994 ren & Stimpy, as well as a 1977 American Artists calander. This past year, i've used 1976 calander from Mad Magazine.
Its a terrable though that our damned President has not even staarted his second term yet, and had he lost, he would stilll be in office at this point. But, its little tricks like this one that make the world so nice. :)

I am quite pleased with my newest apartment. i am in the Bushwick neighborhood of Brooklyn. Despite being directly above the subway, having 11 windows, lots of space, and floors that i can roller skate on, the one thing that I seem to enjoy most about this place is that it doesn't seem to be haunted. It has a wonderful feel to it and, as soon as you walk in, you just feel good. I can play the drums here, which means that maybe, just maybe, i will get started on some new recordings soon. i also have a new room mate, jake Schimeell. he is a good friend of mine who Imet while living in Austin. His moms side of the family are cattle ranchers, including himself to an extent, and if theres anyone who can get you a cattle skull, its Jake. His dad's side is in Oil, making jake ther perfect Texan, which is why his tax refund was so incredible a la the nasty president. Though I guess hes not a super perfect Texan, now that he lives in new york and goes to art school. Go figga!! Well, I'm pleased to say he's probably the best room mate I've had in a very long time, possably of all time, which really isn't saying much, but i am happy at home, so that is cirtenly nice. Twice as nice as anything half as worse, I figga.
Ghosts are a hot topic on my mind, and when I say this place isn't haunted, I'm quite serious. One of my latest curiosities has been the ghosts around the world trade center. One of my day dreams for a while, though I simply can't afford to do this, is to make a life size statue of the ghost busters, including Winston. Then overnight sometime, deliver it in front of ground zero with a plaque that reads "To Protect us From The Ghosts Of September 11th." Though it sounds like a joke, its very symbollic culturally, and maybe the ghosts will get it. I do not know, but I should make you quite sure that the world trade center site must cirtenly be haunted. Though I really have not been there yet. I have been thinking for a longtime of making an album of interviews with people who have fascinating first hand ghost stories. It will be a non fiction album, and one I will have to take on the road and record all overthe place. But probably one place where I will find some very interesting and touching stories, I asume, would be around the WTC.
This had been a topic just before bed a few nights ago, and I must mention that I do talk into my sleep. I frequently have very distressing dreams and, this was somewhat one of them, though I am qiite excited about it anyway. See, I was standing in front of small pool with my former friend Brittney, who i no longer like very much at all. It was a very small, but reletively deep indoor pool with a large pipe running along the side. It was just me and Brittney, and a sign that read "A Baby Boy Drowned Here." Well, we were both curious, and Brittney got right in. She was sucked almost imediately twards a pipe at the other end, and then proceeded to drown, as this pipe pulled and pulled on her. I must say, that i don't really like Brittney anymore, and so I hesitated to save her. Finely i said "Well, I guess I should." but just as I was getting in, an angel flew out of the pipe, presumably that of the little boy, who must have died in that exact spot. the angel lifted her to safety, and continued flying straight up through the cieling and dissapeared. But i was all ready in the water, being sucked down myself. Being a little more coutios, I held onto the pipe, but was having trouble staying up anyways. But because i had hesitated to save Brittney, the angel never came for me. I kept calling "Angel! Angel!" Wanting partly to be saved, and partly just to see the ghost, but as I called out, Jake said "Ben, your talking in your sleep again." So that was that.
Last year, I lived in what I like to call "Hell House", or 11A Islington st. This was the house in which I lived around Boston, which a crack user, a stripper, a 300 pound winey girl who took over one whole refrigerator, the girl who hated me so much that she would not sit on any coutch that I had ever sat on, she would sit onthe floor, there was someone's boyfriend who was always bring vagrents over, was always rolling and smoking blunts CONSTANTLY, and his personality resembalence of Cody from the show Step By Step was unbearable. There was also a girl a fell in love with. In the spring, my friend Brittney from Texas came and visited. She medled and everything. I did not enjoy it, and I found myself sleeping at the Bus Station.
But hence that is that, and this is this. Anyhoo, thats my "dream diary" entry for this issue. Any comments??? Word up.

I must admit that since the last time I've mailed you people, I have done something most regrettable. I tried my best to hide it, but you are going to find out sooner or later, so I might as well tell you now. That is that, well, you see, you know that I've, well, er, uh, well, see, geez. Well, i turned 25. I can't believe it, and it really pisses me off. I feel like a complete hypocrate and an asshole, and a lot of friend of mine who have turned 25 became much crabbier after that birthday. hence, I swore I would never do it myself. But here i am. older and more boring, fuck this shit dude. It sucks. I'll try to put it back if I can, but it may be hard, considering how much hair I find in the drain I find everyday, and how much bushier my eye brows have gotten.
You know, Bart Simpson was always a man of great philosaphy. Though his TV show has been almost unbearable over the past few years, last night he struck gold. "Adults suck, and then you ar one." Boy oh boy, did he nail that.
Well, if anybody needs help on their taxes, please let me know.

The last thing I wanted to discus is another TV character. This time, it is Alf, a favorite show of mine in the 1980s. The thing with Alf is that he's such a selfish and destructive mother fucker, that you have to wonder why the Tanner family putsup with him. If the Tanners weren't such a caring and loving family, it wouldn't work. But what's more, what really makes it work, isthat Alf does have redeemimg qualities.
"You ordered $1,000 worth of make up on my credit card!?!?!" Willie will groan at Alf.
"Relax, Willie. All we have to do is sell it."
"How are you going to sell this make up??? You can't even leave the house."
"Oh, i forgot to tell you, Willie. Your hosting a party tonite." Ding dong.
Alf was always causing trouble. he was obnoxious and very self centered, and became the center of the family from the moment e gotthere. He was always setting the kitchen on fire, trying to eat the cat, and always had to be the center of attention, not unlike myself. Who knows how much money Alf cost this nice family, b=onely one member of which works. You have to wonder sometimes why don't they turn him in? Why do they so vigerously protect him, and even make him a member of the family?
Well, one is because they are good people. They are not typical Americans who are only concerned with money, though that may be a European comment. geez, I'm getting so racist with my age. Anyhoo, the Tanners feel sorry for Alf, after all he did just lose his entire planet. There is no one in the universe left to love him, cirtenly no one would in the government should he be turned in. The way they see it, its a no brainer. its much better to have him here. His well being is much more imprtant than all the agrivation and money that he costs. They also understand that he can't leave the house, he is essentially on house arrest, and so that drive some one a little nuts to. And of course customs on melmac are very different from customs here. They love him like a member of their own family, and that's a very nice thing. Good for them.
But what makes Alf work even more, is his love for the tanners. You know why Alf ordered all that make up to sell?? Cause he realised how much he was costing this family, and felt he should get a job. Sure, he ultimately didn't help at all, but he realises how great they are, and he loves them too. He means well, even if it ultimately causes more distress, and he will never eat Lucky, the family cat, simply because he knows how important that darn cat is to the family. Lucky, actually, plays a very important part in the show. Though he is hardly a central character, he is almost critical in the development and and establishment of the other characters. I mean, the show would work without him, but he strengthens it up quite a bit. But anyhoo, the point is that Alf has his redeeming qualities: He really cares for the Tanners and is grateful to the them for taking him in, and seems to be perfectly happy with them as a replacement for his entire planet. And, on top of everything, he is non stop laughs.
Thereason i bring this up is that its such a reflection real life. You need to have redeemable qualities or no body isgoing to like you. Redeemable qualities can range from a wide range of sources, and can iclude even looks and money. Though keep in mind that those can go away. Though I guess so can personality. So i dunno. But I just thought it was an interesting point. I saw the movie "Sky Captain and The World of Tomorrow." It sucked ass simply because there were no likable characters in it what so ever. And thats all it comes down to. I'm refraining from usingreal life examples of this, so I won't. And I have to wonder if this essay might cancel out any qualities of mine I had thought to be redeemable, and therefor makes me less likable. What do you think?

I wanted to tell you some jokes I'd heard recently:

Kid runs home from school crying. he says "Mommy, mommy! All the kids at school were calling me a sissy."
The mom says "So what did you do?"
"I hit them with my purse."

Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10 Million strong!

So a duck walks into a bar, and says "Give me a whiskey on the rocks" and the bartender goes "okay, here it is" and hands it to him, and then the duck drinks it and says "dang, that was a fine drink" and looks a lady duck across the way and asks her out, to which she says "no, i don't date losers" and then the duck has another drink and passes out.

A magician was driving down the street one night, and then he turned into a dive way.

Anyhoo, to close, i will leave you with a medicore song, called "About A Ghost."

---------------
ive never met a girl like you before
i’m sorry that i’m shaking
I can see everything that’s behind you
and i get chills when ever your (making)

who are you?
you ask me and i don’t know what to say
who are you
you repeat
but i can’t move i just gently sway

you are very pretty but you never need to use the door
the victorian gown you wear is quite nice
i reach out to touch you
but ts too cold, its as if your covered in ice

who are you?
you ask me i can’t seem to look away from you eyes
who are you
you repeat
there’s something ghastly about you, i feel completely hypnotised

but theres something thats just so stunning about you
and as i kiss you, i can feel you get warm
its love at first sight, and its super natural
i’m sorry that your dress gets torn

who are you?
you ask me and i say that I’m just like you
who are you?
I ask you
and you dissapear right out of the blue
--------------

Anyhoo, that should be it. feeel free to right in, and if you get this in time, feel free to stop by my show tonite. TTFN.

Love,
Some Sort Of Apperition,
Lance Romañce
Thank you for reading this issue of tha Lance Romañce News Leather. To subscribe, send an email to tendonitus@giantrats.com with the word "Subside" in the subject. For back issues, and just more entertainment, visit www.GiantRats.com.
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