29: Lunch Time!!!
Wed, Nov 24, 2004 11\27Nite


Hi every buddy, every buddy of mine. Its a pushing 10:30 pm here in Brooklyn as I write an intro to my latest news letter. just intime for the big Turkey Holiday, which will be starting in less than two hours. I can't wait, 24 hours of turkey. Mmmmm.... yummy yummy. So, I hope that Yule print this out and read it on the bus to Grandma's. I know I will. Happy holidays.

Well, i guess I will make quick mention of my upcoming shows: I play Friday December 3rd at Rocky's Bar in Brooklyn, with 7 other bands!!! And a lot of them are great, including Ova who have come all the way from Italy, and members of Barnacled in a newer band called Gutter Helmet. Also jeff Lewis, Knifestorm, The Beatles, Secret Salamanders, 36 and myself. I'm producing this show, it will be $6 bucks, at 9.30pm. Rocky's bar is on Ken & S 5th in Brooklyn, right under the Williamsburg Bridge. This show is being Co-Promoted by Todd P. and Collin from USAIsAMonster.
Then the very next night, 4th I play at the Sidewalk, as far as I know. It will be a big celebration of my friend Rav Schmuell's birthday. rav, a chasidic rabbi and father of 6, will turn 40 on the same day as my own birthday. Free, 2 drink minimum, in the East Village on Ave A and E 6th st.
Finely in the near future, I will be playing on December 10th again at SUNY Purchase College, in PURCHASE, ny. It will be great fun, and I belive I will be sharing the bill with Jeff Lewis Band and Dufus.


Anyhoo, back to life....

I know that Turkey, one of my favorite foods, notto mention a wonderful country, will knock people out. It contains THC or PCP or something, and after eating a fair amount of it, you willjust fall asleep. Is this unique only to turkeys, or are there other narcalepsy-inducing animals to be eaten??? I guess my biggest question is, though, how come I have never in my entire life seen a sleeping Turkey?? How can it be made up largely of such a drug and not be effected, man??? This is one of life's many mysteries, I guess, to me at least. Any good answers??


bah bah,,,,,,, asghsahsajkh. Ok, well, the first letter this week is from our own grand marshall, list member John H. He is from the jungle, but is not a bunny:

P.S, Lance,

Let me add that your taste in hot ladies of a bygone era is as impeccable as your poetry!

Mary Tyler Moore, Alice form the Honeymooners, etc all great choices despite being hundreds of years old or even dead.

The problem about not having a chance with any of 'em?  I can help you fix that: Let me suggest to you that if you subscribe to the Catholic school of thought (I don't either, but humor me here) then if you even just think about it, that's as good (or as bad) as actually doing it.  That plus you'r going to hell (which we'll worry about in a minute, but we can fix that, too)

Soooooo...

If you wanna (just for a moment) get a little religion, and then you  go and think about it (and by that I mean you know what) with any of- or hell-ALL of these women (at once?  Sure, why not?  It's your dime!) then that's as good as actually doing it.  There.  You've done it.  With all of 'em.  Wanna go again?  Sure!  Why not?  It's your dime!  They're waiting...

There, don't you feel better?  I thought you would.  Now you can tell everyone or even write
a song about how you actually did it with all of your favorite TV hotties.

And the part about going to hell? No problemo!
There's two ways to fix that.

1) Get rid of your "new" religion.  There. It's that simple.  Now there's no hell (providing you go to another religion where there's no hell I mean) so you're scot free!  And you can always get "Born Again" if you're feeling a little lonesome.

and the second way to fix the Hell thingie is this:  

2) Just consider that George Bush is back in office for another four years.  There you go.  We're already in hell, so what's the big worry? 

Feeling horny?  No problemo! 
Just "get all catholic" for a little while!
you know what to do...

(just call me Mr. Fix-It!)

Looking forward to that Texas Tour,
JBH


Dear John,
Thanks for writing, its great to hear from you!!! I am pleased to say i have tried your idea and, would you believe I got excomunicated within the first hour???
Love,
Lance

you know what else??? i have been a nail biter for as long as I can remember, since i was a sperm, i used to bite my tail. What's that called, a flagella??? W ell, sperm tail is good. Anyhoo, like many other Americans, and probably others as well, I never have to cut my finger nails, because i inadvertantly bite them all day long, each and every one, and so as fun as nail clippers are, I only have use for them on my toes. But my entire life, I am told that this is a nasty habbit. Biting or picking, these are habbits that are frowned upon in our modern society. It wasn't until 1896, 98 years before Bush release Sixteen Stone, that Chappel Carter invented nail clippers. That means that 109 years ago, in 1895, I'll bet it was pretty traditional to bite your nails. It was the animal instinct i was born with that told me to start biting them in the first place. So, I guess, when some one asks you in the future "Why do you pick your nails?" Just say "Its more natural." After all, it probably is.

Anyhoo.... That's it for now, me thinks. I hope you are all well,a nd have the most delicious turkey day you've had all year. Mmmm.. i ain't never going to be a vegitarian. I like natural things, and people naturally eat meat, i figure. Its another thing that comes naturally to me.

ttake care, and send me a post card from your home town.

Love,
Your Brothers And Sisters,
Lizance Romizañce
Thank you for reading this issue of tha Lance Romañce News Leather. To subscribe, send an email to tendonitus@giantrats.com with the word "Subside" in the subject. For back issues, and just more entertainment, visit www.GiantRats.com.
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