225: Spring Is Here!!! (Though To Me Its Still September)
3:31:02 3\10Nite
Damn it!!!! What a way to wake up!!!! Fucking easter. I was happily sleeping, peaceful as a bunny, when "DING DONG DING DONG!!!!!" The easter bells of a near by church woke me up. They were so loud, and they went on for ever!!! So whatg if its easter??? They don't need to rub it in my face. I tell you, I was just this close to calling the cops.
That church is two blocksx away. If I was ringing bells that loudly, they would call the cops on me. So anyhoo, thats why I'm a wake right now.

So what's new with all of you??? Welcome back to the Lance Romañce Mailing List. This week is a very special issue because it is the last one I am sending out in the month of March for the rest of the year. Its April but its still too cold. I know I'm a real Texan because I can't deal with this 50 degree wether. I where my heavey winter coat over a fleace over my regula shirt. I have made a real habbit out of over dreessing. I get sick too much if I don't. I get chilli all the time, I get soar throats and horse voices. And the worst part is every single morning, as recently as this morning, I wake up with more snot in my nose than I can possibly eat at one time. I have been drinking more tea lately too.

I do not like cell phones. I do not understand why people have them, considering that they never pick them up. No body ever picks up their cell phones. So why do they have them??? I will never understand. So here is my story:
I have recetly devoloped an intrest in silent movies as of recent. I think silent movies are real neat because they tell a story with using very little words, sometimes no words at all. I like all the sight gags in comedies. Silent comedies are the only comedies that have no jokes in them. Any hoo, so I have developed a strong intrest recently, and was on the internet this past thursday looking for some silent film sites. I came accross a site for an orchestra called The Alloy Orchestra who preform live music along with silent films. I saw a silnt film with a live orchestra down in texas, and it blew me away, so I got very excited to find that the Alloy Orchestra would be playing along to some Fatty Arbuckle films in Summerville, Ma, on the outskirts with boston, on Saturday. I was so excited, and was determined to go. But with who??? Well, I sepnt the entire day going through my phone book, trying to get in touch with 5 different girls in the hopes maybe ONE of them would go with me. I kept trying them all day long on their cell phones. BUT NO BODY EVER PICKS UP THEIR CELL PHONES!!!! ARG!!!!! About 4 in the afternoon came by, and I decided to send some emails out insted of just calling. I sent the same exact email to list members Sarah E. and Lindsy C:

>Write me damn back. This saturday, once at 2pm, and again at 8pm, there
>is a silent movie playing at the summerville theater WITH A LIVE
>ORCHESTRA!!!! It will by awsome. It has Buster Keaton and Fatty Arbuckle
>in it, and its a bunch of short funny films. Anyhoo, I want to go with
>you, so pick a time, 2 or 8, and let me know. Its saturday.

I sent that email out and kept calling and didn't have any luck. So you can imagine my sirprise when I heard back from both Lindsey and Sarah with in a short time, and BOTH of them said they wanted to go!!! Wow two dates to the same movie!!!! I could imagine it now: Hi lindsey, lets sit here. I'll be right back, i'm gonna get some popcorn. Hi sarah. I brought you some popcorn, I have to go to the batheroom." Just back and forth.
To my disapointmeht, but some relief as well, this wasn't a problem at all. Lindsey wrote me back saying she wanted to go to the 2 o'clock, and Sarah was intrested in the 8 o'clock. So I went up to boston yesterday, went out with lindsey, then met up with sarah and went out with her not long after lindsey had prior engagements. It worked out great and I had great times. The entire day reminded me a lot of that old show on NBC, "My Two Dates."
The movies were pretty good, I really like Fatty Arbuckle. The Alloy Orchestra wasn't that good, so I was dissapointed with the music. But that's ok cause I enjoyed the movies.
I like going on dates with everybody. I can't wait to move to boston and meet some new girls. Every day of the week, I will go to fancy italian resteraunts with a different girl every night.

The first letter is from Kristyn H. of the 4 Non Blondes Fan Club Headquarters:

Hi. How are you? How was your train-ride? Sorry I
was such a bitch to you most of the time that you were
here in austin. I think I'm emotionally unstable and
possibly genetically just a bitch. So what's going
on? Did all of your stuff get there? How is your lap
steel? Do you miss Javed and Kyle? Mike? Nigel?
Anyhow, not much has happened here since you left. I
took Dave to sell his car on thursday. That was
pretty fun. Let's see, Friday Dave and I were going
to see TSOL, but ended up just hanging out. Saturday
Sean and I watched some movies. I watched TV with
Sarah on Sunday. Monday Dave and I went to a bunch of
bars with my friend Xander who's in town this week for
his spring break. He goes to Grad. School in
Michigan. I was pretty hungover yesterday and I
needed to throw up all day. So when I got home last
night I just went to bed. Fun huh? I hope your week
was more interesting. Write back and let me know
what's going on.

Dear Kristyn,
I went on TWO dates yesterday.

The Second letter is from list member Sarah H. of Southern Airlines:

Hi Lance,
Well, we all miss you here in the lone star state and have lonesome states
of mind(s) without you. Kristyn got those pictures developed of that night
at the Continental Club of our modeling sesh. They are not quite what we
hoped for, but I think that our agents will be quite impressed and I believe
they may be just what we need for our success in the fashion and
entertainment industry...just keep reaching for the stars that is the key to
Anyway, sounds like you are doing fine...I think I may have poison ivy or
posion oak one of those or maybe just some wierd rash. Guh-reat. John and
I spent last weekend working like the humans we
are out in the garden toiling with diligence and might. And I wake up today
with what looks like might be the beginning(s) of a gift from Mother Nature.
pleasant soiprise. Well, we are at the library so I hate to make this so
abrupt. but i only have about nine minutes left of my alloted one hour.
write soon phathead, sarah

Dear Sarah,
I all ready am very succesful in fashion, you obviously haven't seen my Las Vegas visor.

Don't forget to send in YOUR letters!!!

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This mailing is nothing but filler crap, just trying to get in one last list before the end of the month. I try to send out 4 issues a month. I think I did that fine in January, febuary was too short so I I only sent out 3. Its all about number here.
I'm really having a hard time sending this list out again. My writing has been a bit weeker later, and my creativaty a bit low. I haven't even written in my journal in a couple weeks. I can't decide wether its hard to write mailing lists these days because I write too mouch, or not enough. I mean, I used to write in my journal every day. Too much writing can burn a guy out. On the other hand, maybe I don't write enough. Maybe if i write all the time, I will get myself good going, and get a good flow. Its hard to tell. But what I think it comes down to is that I just don't get any returns off this. I break my back every week or so to churn out another master piece of writing, but get nothing for it. I mean, maybe if you all payed me once in a while... I think I've earned your money!!! I've done enough for you!!! Please send money orders to:

Ben Garber
Box 2306
Providence, RI 02906

I'd like to finnish of this week by cursing out comedian Milton Bearle. FUCK YOU YOU DIRTY SACK OF SHIT!!!! I'm very unhappy with Uncle Miltie. He died this past week, aged 93 years young. I am mad cause this blow my chances of getting to work with him. Also, I need to remind listmember Scott A that he has to do a better job responding to my email if he wants a place to live in boston next september.

Oh, also, we having an April Fools Day party tomarrow, and I want you all to come. We are going to have it at Kenedy Plaza. Its byob and you have to wear a costume. It stars at 8pm, so be there or be square.

So that's it for now. Sooner or later I'll be back on my feet and writing actual mailing lists. No more of this phoney balogney fluffer nutter crap. Also, those of you using hotmail are really getting on my nerves. Please get an email account with some one else besides hotmail. But anyhoo, I will see you all on the flip side. Peace em up and word em out, and send in your letters,particularly those of you who have never sent a letter in, or just havent in a while. See yall later!!!

The Umbrella Manufacturer Preferred By Marry Poppins,
Lance Romañce

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