224: I Have A Confetti To Make
3:25:02 10\55Morn
Hi every body. I have a confetti to tell you all. I have been lying. To ALL of you. I have not been working at a bank in Texas. To tell you the truth, I'm not even in Texas. I'm in Providence, living again at my parents house. I came home from texas a almost a month ago, not too far into the march, and now am home. I have been saying I was still in Texas because I wanted to sirprise every body, and make them think I was still in texas. Then, one day, I would just stroll on by and sirprise you. This worked on many a people, most recently this past weekend when I showed up at listmember Lani R's in New York City. But the sirprises are over, so now I can come clean. I know I have lied to you and betrayed all your trusts, though. And I apolagise. I hope that you will all still love me, because I love all of you.
So why did I leave Texas? Don't get me wrong, I loved it in Texas!!!!!! It was yippy-kai-yay-tastic!!!! I would loved to have stay a bit longer. But, I lost my job and didnt feel like trying to find a new job for just a month or two and then have to come back and find another one. I was origionally planning to leave at the end of this month. It gets so hot in Rhode Island over the summer, I can't imagine having to deal with the summer heat in Texas, and so I fled. Fled, and flew the ocean blue to be with you. So now I am back in Texas, trying to deal with the opposite problem: The Cold!!! How do you northern mother fuckers deal with this year after year after year??? Its so fucking cold up here!!!! It has been freezing way to much, and the moisture in the air makes the cold seem freezing, and it has snowed almost twice since I have returned. I do not enjoy the snow. And when ever it snows, it always rains!!!! And the snow just turns to slosh. So, as a result, I have been getting sick. I was pretty sick when I wrote the last mailing list, and am a bit sick right now. I really hate this wether!!!! Why doesn't some body invent a place down south that is closer to home??? Or just make the north sunnier!!! Damn it.
So now I am back in Providence, and up to my old habbits. I spend 2-4 hours a day sitting at the stools at Ocean Coffee. I had an impropitu concert there a few wednesdays ago. I have been helping with flyering for other bands that play there every wednesday now. I have a show coming up there in a few weeks on April 17th. It won't be a concert though. I am doing a show where I am just going to play records, and i call it "The Lance Romañce Record Hour." I will tell you more about it as it comes closer. I have been going to occasional parties and what ever, but have really been taking it in more than any thing due to the wether. Well, kind of. I have been rather busy the past week or so because I have a new project on my hands: Moving again!!!
Me, and an old pal I met in the 4th grade, have been looking for places in boston. Me and Geo are both musicians, and would like a place to practice, but thats not easy to come by in the town of beans. When I was at Berklee, I tried looking for a place in Boston for the following september. I called up one realater, and told him I wanted a place I could play the drums. He said that no land lord would go for that and that my best bet would just be to get some guys together and get a house. That was the only realiter I called, and lived with my parents that next, which proved to be quite fatel. Anyhoo, me and Geo met on monday and called up realaters in Boston and were able to make apointments with two of them. We would go up on Tuesday to look at some places, but not to get any thing. We just wanted to get an idea of what to expect and for what prices, and then we would talk about it for maybe two weeks, go back up and then hopefully find a place. And thats what we did. We met with two realiters, and looked at a lot of over priced shit holes.
But one thing happoned that we didn't expect. Amungst all the shit holes was a haven, at 11A Islamabad street in Allston. A GIGANTIC 7 bed room house, with a humungus sized basement, that was much bigger than the basement I called my room as a teen ager. And first floor that was even bigger and all common space. All 7 bedrooms were on the 2nd and 3rd floors, and were each about the size of many of the double sized dorm rooms I've been in in the city of Boston. This is the biggest place I've ever seen, and had space enough for music, which means more lance romañce reocrds next year, hopefully! But a place like this in the boston area would have to be at lease a million dollars a month, right??? Nope!!!! For the entire place, the rent is 4000 a month, but when you devide that by 7, that comes out to about $557 a month, which is rat shit in Boston, especially when you consider that parking is included. So, needles to say, me and Geo wasted little time discussing the details before returning the next day with a down payment.
The reason I bring this up is for a few reasons. One is I am real excited and want to brag about this place. I am hoping you will come and visit, because there is more than enough room and you will not find a comfier sleep while in town. My goal is to make sure there is room for 10 people to crash before having to put any one on the floor, But also because me and Geo are the only people signed in right now. We need 5 more people. So, if you or any one you know is looking for a place in boston, and even if you aren't I bet I can convince you to, let me know. Even if you don't think I like you!!! We are particularly intrested in living with artists, and have a strictly enforced NO FOOT BALL PLAYERS rule. Even if your not intrested, at least take a look at the place so the land lord is impressed by how well we are doing getting people in. We will be moving in in september, and hope to have a pool table and ping pong.

The first letter today is from listmeber Sarah E. of Canadian Mounted Police:

hey whats up. i was confused that weekend we were suposed to have lunch, but
you seant a mail out soon after so i figured you never stopped in boston. my
favorite porno is barely legal because its my age group and the girls are
just regular looking, so its liek it could be just some chick you know. some
day id liek to be a boudior photographer, or an artsy porno photographer. but
right now im just the regular kind of photographer, all trees and clouds and
karoted metal and shit. im reading a book right now that i think youd enjoy a
great deal. its called the wasp factory by ian...something or other. its
about the dementia of a 17 year old and hes killed three people in his
childhood, but his brother is in a mental hospital for setting dogs on
fire.im also reading travels with charlei by stienbeck. wich is simply about
steinbeck traveling cross country with his dog. i made some falafel today,
and hummus. then i ate some of it. do you still have a mustach and your magik
marker black jean jacket?cos the only time i met you thats what you wore. do
you remember that? it was a crowns show in providence and i was there with
pete. ok i have to poop and then i think im going to go out and find someone
to smoke with. your in texas right now right? one of my frineds goes to
school in austin, but shes home this week. what a pointless coment you must
think im dill. goodbye

Dear Sarah,
Yeah, I read that wasp factory book. Only the one I read was called The Outsiders. My favorite porn is the Girls Gone Wild series, for the same reason you like the barely legal. I rented a barely legal once and was disapointed. I didn't really like the girls in it. Girls gone wild, though. Thats just fine with me!!!

The second letter is from Snott A. from Under A Rock:

Hey Ben. So it was funny today, some kid I know came up to me and said "Ben
Garber moved back to Providence." And I said "Oh! Good for him." I was
genuinely pleased for him, too, not like sarcastically or anything. so now
they say He calls himself Lance Romañce, its probably an andy kaufman
scheme.. and I just rolled my eyes- scheme my balls!
So welcome back to providence. did you hear about the new mayor? He's funny
and he's very anti-italian and pro-Greece. And he has good plans to revamp
the old L train into a museum on unjustly tried war criminals.
anyhoo, glad to read your newsletter, this weeks issue was remarkably funny.
i like your tshirt idea, and the tv show idea.. What about this: Letters
from gramma, and you can have you reading a postcard and it'll be from far
away countries, and you an have an old woman read the letter and dub her
voice in while your reading it. it'll be great. old woman are always funny.
but not as funny as...
this poem:
roses are red, violets are blue,
if it wasn't for jesus
we'd all be jewish
Get it? har... well im off.
all my heart,

scott who use to work with you at ben and jerrys and we were gunna copy that
postcard that was from a kid saying he cant wait to make out with his
girlfriend and i went to your house once or twice and enjoyed your company
incase you forgot.

Dear Snott,
Sorry, I will not be using any of your ideas.

I have mixed feelings about magazines. I like magazines in theory, but most of them are nothing but crap. I have long been a reader of Mad magazine, but its now owned by AOL and it sucks. Not only does it suck, but now they have filled it with ads, and they make to many jokes about celeberties. I like it better when they had jokes about people in general. Its in color now too, which isn't necisarily a bad thing, except that it makes the magazine more expensive. And did I mention they have ads now too??? Who the fuck puts ads in Mad Magazine?? Where do they get off??? I also have long been a reader of Bill Board, Rolling stone and other music magazines, but the music industry today is all based upon U2 and Elton John, who I hate. I used to get a computer magazine or two but I grew tired. So I haven't been a subscriber to any magazines in a while. That is until on Saturday, when I checked my mail box to find an invitation to subscribe from Playboy magezine. So I subscribed.
I had not read playboy since I was 13 years old or so. The girls usualy selected for play boy usually aren't my type. I think mainly is I strongly prefer amatures, where as play boy is all pollished up and air brushed and classy and all. Well, while I was in Texas, my pal Mike got a subscription. I read through an issue or two and was actually impressed to find that, aside from the pictures, which are better than I remember, but play boy really is a pretty good read. I read news papers regularly and rarely see cartoons as good as the ones in play boy. Party jokes, love advice, and its really not too sleazy a magazine. They even had a review of record players in a recent issue. There is so much in that magazine I just didn't get, or didn't care to pay attention to when I was a kid. I guess it really is an adult magazine. Not cause of the nudie pictures, any one can read those, but I mean the reading part of the magazine is really stuff you have to be an adult to understand. Its like fancy resteraunts, Frank Sinatra, or reading the entire news paper, not just the funnies. As a kid none of that stuff bares any intrest to you. But you aquire appreciation as you grow older. Play boy is the same way, and I'm pleased to announce I appreciate it. I can't wait for my first issue to arrive.
If you want a trashy magazine thats in bad taste, read Maxim or Cosmoplitan. But don't you trash my Playboy. Its a-ok with me!

In Texas, they have some of the best meat I've ever had. I try not to eat ribs, briscut and ceeseburgers too much though. They are very much not good for me, and you know how my health is. But you know what???? When I knew I was going to leave in about 3 weeks, I said fuck it. I'll worry about my health while I'm in Rhode Healthland. But for now, I'm in Texas, so I'd better eat in Texas while I'm still in Texas. So I did. Every day I made it a point to eat two or three cheese burgers and some ribs. Oh man was that great, so damned delicious. But it had its draw backs. My weight sky rocketted to over 190 pounds, nearly 30 pounds more than when I Providence is September. On top of that, my all ready abd health wasn't enjoying this new protien diet of mine. Heart burn, chest pains, and the fact that I always smelt like beef weren't exactly what I'd call perks. Ugh.
On my 2nd to last night in Texas, my heart was hurting so much that I knew I had to go out and get some briscut. I mean, I had to go out and get some vegitables. I went to the store and got some corn. I was all excited, but when I got home, I realised I had all ready packed my can opener. Well, so much for that. Well, I also had gotten a bag of carrots and two green apples so that was pretty good. But I can't imagine it did much. My last days in Austin consisted of several stops for cheese burgers, ribs and fried pickles. This included two nights of delicious all you can eat BBQ, and on my last night I was delighted by two for one cheese burger night, and washed it down with two tall milk shakes. Man was that good. Oh, man how I loved Texas.
Any hoo, so now I have to cut back. I must say since returning to Providence I feel a lot healthier. I haven't had heart pains since. The only problem I'm worried about now, is when ever I stand up, the joint that joins my legs to my hips, particularly my left one, snaps when ever I stand up and I fear getting arthritus. Any of you who think I'm not getting too old too quickly should stand correctly. Just 8 more years.

Any hoo, that should do it for now. Write some more letters in and all. i will see you soon. Have a great pass over, and keep driving planes into tall buildings!!!! And remeber, if your ever in doubt, never hesitate to mambo a little!! Or better yet a lot!!!

A Man Who Messed With Texas And The Texans Didn't Do A Damned Thing About It Cause They Are Pussiess,
Lance Romañce

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