223: Touch Me, I'm Sick
Hi everybody. Here is today's contractual email from one of the sickest people on the internite. Thats right!!! Ah-chooooodwfujhweffjkhhwefkjbd!!! Sniff, sniff. I'm sick. I'm sick. Nothing bad. Just a cold, and maybe some inflamation in the gall blatter, but other than that... Ah-choooogdfdnmdfggljdfjkl!!! Snifff. So forgive me today, as the thick coating of snot surrounding my brain doesn't not always help me with my writing processees. In all honesty, there is nothing wrong with Ah-choojlowedijiduhweuidhiwsc9oh2qdihbjwsdc. Sniff, sniff, my gall blatter. But my sniff sniff sniffffffffffffffffffff belly ain't great and my ears have closed their doors, and my nose is on the runny bunny side today. It has been since saturday. Ladies and gentlemen, I have a cold.
So whats new, gum shoe???? How do you do? What must I construe to get applause from you. Let's see.......
I'm really not liking this job at the bank very much. They don't pay me very well, and theres cameras every where so i cant jack off all over the money. I've learned a lot more unplesent things about banks that I didn't know before and dont like. For example, they eat their old employees. Also, bankers hate janiters. Me, being the jaaniter, am looked down upon, socially excluded and teased at maximum taunt levels.
I am looking for other jobs still. I have been trying to get that job again at that porno store. I really hope I can get that one. One of my favorite lines from Taxi Driver is when he says "At the end of the night, i have to wipe the cum off the back seat. Some nights I have to wipe off the blood." Or something like that, I'm reciting that from memory. Anyhoo, I am fascinated by the fact that cum is a more comonly found in the back of the cab than blood. I guess thats a good thing, but a bit sirprising. Anyhoo, my point is that I bet working at a porno store would be the same way.
Last night I went out with Javed, Kyle, KMrystin, Mike, Sean. We went bowling!!! I lost.
A lot of times when I walk places, I fantasise about the future while I'm walking. Today I imagined a concert in a few years, where my band is mae up of Bootsy Collins on bass, Humpty Hump on keyboards, and my japonease pal Wataru Hirohara on the drum-drums, eating sushi. Anyhoo, the dilly-o goes, some time durring the show, we would sing jingle bells. This is a great fantasy!!! Listen to this!!! So we start playing jingle bells. But before we start singing, I say to the audience "Are there any young girls here who can stand a little pain? And all the girls would cheer and raise their hands. "Then I would say "The pain of a whip accross your back side?? Are their any girls hear who would be willing to get whipped, right here on stage???" Well, some foxy girl near the front would raise her hand and I would pull her up on stage. Then, despite the fact that its mid july or some whacky time of the year, we would continue with jingle bells. Every member of the band aand every one in the audience would sing jingle bells. The band would not know I was planning to do this, unless they had gone through all my old mailing lists and found this article. but thats when I would start whipping the young girl. I whip her and make her get down on all fours and I would make her bark jingle bells. I would do that a few times, then I would make her shit in her pants. She would be embaressed and dehumanised by this point and start crying and try to get off the stage cause the song is over and she is sick of this. But I woulddnt let her. I would keep her up on stage and to make up for the humiliation I just cause her, I would giver her 100 thousand dollars. Thats a lot of money, even in the future. Can you believe that??? And all in cash!!! I would tell her to stuff it down her pants so no one could find it. Then, because thats a lot of cash for such a nice young girl to be carrying and she would now be an excellent target for muggers and pick panties, I would giver her a switch blade too. Then, I would tell the band play Balboa Blue, by the Mar-Kets, which requires a saxaphone so I must have a sxaxaphonest in the band too, maybe Kenny G or James Brown or something even though he doesnt play saxaphone, but any hoo, Balboa Blue would be playing and we would kind of slow dance to it. On stage!!! With 100 thousand dollars in her pants and she has a switch blade!! Then, she we stay on the stage for the rest of the show and help sing the rest of the songs. We would have a great time, and by the end of the show shes having so much fun that shes forgot I whipped her. The next day, while I'm still in town, we go out for dinner. We enjoy each other and become life long friends, keeping in touch, and when ever I play a show in that town from then on, I always stay at her place, with her family. You should see how much her kids have grown!!! My does time fly. So, if you ever see me walking down the street and wonder what I'm thinking about, I'm probably thinking about something like this. I was today!!!
A few issues ago, I recieved a letter from Jackie D, a newer list member who found my web site while looking for pictures of penises for a photo project, and found a picture of mine. Drawn by its charm, she explored the website a bit and joined my mailing list. She wrote in a short letter a few weeks ago saying so, and all i know about her is what she wrote in that brief letter. Since then, my curiosity has been growing and growning and growing... Who is Jackie D??? Where is she from?? Who does she do her photo projects for???? What does her penis look like??? Well, my theory is that if I'm curious, your curious. So, I am hoping that Jackie D. will still read these emails after all the desgusting things I've written about today, and submit a two page or more auto-biography to be published in a future mailing. I hope she will help out and tell us all about her self. As for the rest of you, you can all submit biographies too, or anything you want, but just plum letters will be fine.
Its not very often that I get excited about new movies. The last time A movie came out I was really excited for was Spy Kids, which I never saw, but I thought it looked pretty cool from the commercial. There are a couple movies that I hope with be out this summer that I'm quite excited about. Martin Scorsese and Quinten Terentino both have new movies coming out this summer. But summer is still a long way off, so what will I do till then. Well, I probably won't go to the movies. But hopefully will because there is a new movie I'm excited about. The new Robert DeNiro/Eddie Murphy movie has me excited. It opens on friday, so I thought I would ask you if you'd like to go with me. Would you??? Would you go with me??? I will take you to dinnder too.
Any hoo, thats it for now. Wish me well. Oh, for those of you long time subscribers and pals... You know those quotes at the bottom of my emails, where it says "you have recieved mail from lance"? Well, after years and years of the same quotes, I have added a bunch of new ones so you can start reading them again. I have even gotten rid of a bunch too.
Tomarrow I 'm going to send my letter to John Waters asking him if he'd like to play checkers. Now to hell with this mailing!!! This issue was for the birds!
The Kingston Trio's Anuses,
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