222: Let's Go to The Grocery Store And Sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide Down The Isles
3:6:02 2\58Nite
Hi every one. I'm sitting here in Texas, just wondering about why the sky is so beautiful??? Why is the sky so beautiful?? Because God created it. I hope you accept jesus into your heart, or else don't bother coming down to Texas.

I have a new job. I have been working at, of all places, a bank. I am a janitor!!! I get to go in the bank after it closes and clean, clean, clean. I sweep, vacume, polish, empty, refil, delute, shred, destroy and embezzle every single night at 7 pm. Its an ok sort of job. I am still looking for a better one. I think I'm going to stay here in Texas through June or so. If you have spring break this month, be sure to come down and visit!!! I'll be waiting for you!!!

Whats new with the rest of you??? I have had a new idea for my TV show, called "Checkers With John Waters." What would happen is i would video tape me and film dirrecter John Waters playing checkers, i'd tape the whole game. Then on the show, as a segment break, it would say on the screen "Checkers With John Waters," and play some organ music, a little theme song for the bit. Then one of us would make a move. Then the screen would say "Checkers With John Waters" and play the organ music again. We would keep running these one move bits between segments until the game is over, then we would change it to "Battleship With John Waters." I want to get a lot of celeberties to donate their time to my show. I think its decently likely to get some celeberaties to do it than you might think. A lot of people assume that all celeberties would just say "hmph" and refuse, and a lot of them will, but I can't imagine that there is not a good handful of celeberties who will do it happily. In fact, I was thinking of asking former Deee-Lite front woman Lady Kier to appear on my next record.

I love to play jokes on people. Well, as long as they are practical. I've played a good number of jokes on people over the years, but to my disapointment, I really can't recall any good practical jokes people have played on me. I find this disapointing, because I am such an easy and well deserving target, i'm rather gullable, and I just LOVE to be the butt of things. Well, sure enough, my Texas pal, Tim D, he pulled a good one on me. He calls me up one night at about 1am and says to me "Turn on VH1!!!!". I asked him why and he said "Just turn it on!" I have cable here in Texas, so turning it on was not to much of a hassal. Sure enough, Tim had played a joke on me. What else is on VH1 but a fucking Dave Mathews video!!!!! That little cunt faced muther fucker. He got me out of bed to see my sworn enemy on TV. What a weasal toothed dick hound. But I thought it was hilarious, and felt great to have a joke pulled on me, I can't remember the last time some one did.

There will be no letters section this week cause no one has been writing any letters.

I remember being 15 years old, in Pt. Judith, RI, waiting for the Block Island ferry. A decent day, not too crowded, a woman, maybe in her 50s or 60s, was standing a little ways a way wearing a t-shirt that I found both offeensive and clever. It read as follows:

No Jesus,
No Peace.
Know Jesus,
Know Peace.

This shirt disgusted me, and made me angry, but I couldn't help but be captivated by the this simple word play. It has stayed in my head ever since. Well, recently I was thinking about it, at the same time I was trying to think up some ideas for some new Lance Romañce t-shirts. And I came up with the following:

No Lance,
No Romañce.
Know Lance,
No Romañce.

What do you all think??? I think that it will be an instant classic. Also, with my increasing age and my days numbered, I have been thinking of changing my name to Gramps Romañce.

Anyhoo, thats all thats on my mind at this fucking moment. See you all tonite at the ball!!

Johnny Chocolate,
Gramps Romañce

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