221: Lance Romañce: Diversity At Work
2:20:02 7\29Nite
Hello, goons and goblins. Here is the Febuary 20th 2002 issue of the lance romañce mailing list. Wow, febuary all ready. Only about 3 months away from year 5. Year 5. Who'd a thunk it would be here so soon??? How long will I keep this thing going??? When I started this mailing list, I was just 17 years old, and most all of my subscribers were no good, dirty teen agers. I would some times try to imagine me writing this list 10 or 20 years later. I couldn't imagine keeping it going much past 23. Well, we'll have to see about that, but at this point, I try to imagine all of you as parents, with ten kids hanging from each tit, sitting in front of the computer on your arthritus pillow, at age 47, still reading this mailing lsit. That likely won't happen because every one knows I am going to die when I'm 30, but I have managed to pick up some 40+ list memeber along the way, which does excite me. In fact, list member Adolf H. is our oldest list member, yopping it off at well over 100.

So I have had a couple of new ideas for my TV show this summer. I was thinking the other day about how the news advertises itself as having "news, wether and sports". I don't much like sports, I think I all ready told you about having some news segments, like on how the providence journal is one of the worst news papers there is, and I do like wether. But what could we do with wether??? Well, we will have a cute little wether bunny. And isnted of a five day forecast, we would have a five day postcast. We would review the wether from the past 5 days, then we would compare it with the predictions other wethermen made 5 days ago.
Also, I thought of doing a few sketches called "Get Smarth". It would basicly just be get smart, where I would play the chief, and I will find apropriate people to play Maxwell Smarth and Number 87. I thought this would be fun. We will also have mystery shows, detective story sorts, maybe a poeple's court sort of thing, and then another segment called "tricks with kids." Either the kids will be our puppets and do what we tell them, or we will just play jokes on them. Some of my favorite jokes to play on kids are as follows: Rent a big bird costume, go to a park with lots of kids. Wait till they notice you, then start coughing and die. Or, in the big bird costume, start swaring, and trying to pick up the kids moms, and smoke cigarettes. I also was thinking about sellling the kids poisoned ice cream, or just get a tape of the music from an ice cream truck and drive around teh naborhood playing it at full blast. Then all the kids will come running out for ice cream and be real disappointed. Also, maybe just drive around and around three o clock, looking for kids on their way home from school and throwing eggs at them. I think this would make for great TV.

E. Alex R. gave me the following writing assignment this week: write about building a new family out of wood. then design a typical day with this family. what would you do, and what would it be like? how would you avoid fire?
Below you will find my completed assignment, occasionally interupted by E. Alex's comments, remarks and grades.

On Monday, February 18, 2002, at 04:10 AM, Lance Romance wrote:

How would I build a new family out of wood???? Well, first I would geta birch tree, because it is a white tree, and chop it down. I would chop it down with an axe, and then carve all the parts of a man. All 256 bones, the skin, the cartalidge, the joints.... I would carve away and get all the parts nesisary. I would then go over all the fine detail with a chisel before assembling man.

> Good. You understand the complexities of the human body.

I would give him a good job and a nice wool hat and he would be happy, but lonely.

> Ok, you've rendered them with personality.

So, I would remove one of his ribs, and on it I would build him a woman. I would build the woman in the same manor, and then give her a spatula and a pink apron and the man would be happy.

> Ooh, religion.

After they are all set, they would have inter course. The wooden man would insert his woody into the woman's wet leaves. Just before they finnish, he would emit sap and she would get pregnet. I am not sure what the gestation peeriod for birch trees is,

>It would have been nice if you included a diagram.

but after words they would have two kids: a boy and a girl. The boy would be 7 years old and the girl would be 6. They would also have a wooden dog named Trixie.
How would a typical day go? Well, every morning, the mom would be the first one up. She would make pancakes, and top the with syrup that the husbend gave her the night before. The husbend would wake up, wash his apples, get dressed up for work, and come down stairs. He would kiss his wife good morning, then sit down to eat breakfast, and stick his feat in the wet soil under the table, which, incidently, is made out of people.

> Ah! Creative.

The kids would come down just as dad is leaving for work, he drives a Woody. The kids eat there pan cakes before going off to school. After they leave, grampa gomes down stairs. That's me, I'm grampa.
Dad works in an office, where he fills out a lot of forms all day. He writes on wax paper. Mom stays home all day and cooks and cleans. Grampa makes a mess and smokes cigars and watches Murder, She Wrote and the Odd Couple. At school, the kids learn a lot, but not much, because their heads are hollow. Also, all the other kids tease them and exclude them because they are made of wood. They are very unhappy.
The kids get home around three o'clock. They go upstairs to their rooms and cry, and beat their pillows, while mom stays down stairs and tickles the ivories and Grampa sings songs. Mexican Hat Dance is a popular one. So is Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Old Oak Tree. Dad gets home a little after 5. He sits in his easy chair, reads the paper, which is wax paper, and has a cigar. Now, if you think smoking is bad for people, its much worse for wooden people. So he doesn't smoke it, insted, he whets it. While he does this, mom is in the kitchen cooking dinner.

> I've gotten a very good impression of life in the home so far. Good.

Tonight, dinner is water and sunlight. It is very good. Mom usues a great sunlight recipe she got from my mother. For dessert they have chocolate squirls. After dinner, they watch television. Their favorite is "Your Tree Of Trees". One of the writers for that show is Woody Allen. They like him a lot. The wooden family aren't very lively. They usually don't turn in much later than 8 pm. Tonight is no exception.
They prevent fire the same way most of us do: never play with matches, never cook with the oven door open, making sure their electrical devices are up to code and don't have faulty wireing, having smoke detecters and fire extinguashers ready, and living just next door to the fire station.

>You've shown thorough knowledge of safety issues.

>I would have liked to see a conclusion here. There is much description,
>but little to say about what it all means to you. Otherwise very good
>and very creative. You're effort, plus the few notes I've made about
>what could make it better, place you at an A-. Good job!
>Alexander Romanovich (alex@avannaproductions.com)

The first letter is from Jackie D. of some swet shop in korea:


I've never met you and I'm proud to say that I found your website while looking up images of 'penis' on Altavista, for a, ahem, photo project.  God bless Penises, and Lance bless Abraham Lincoln too.  I'm sure you will find more fans through that little penis photo of yours, than through any other method.  That's not to say though, that 'Macaroni, Macaroni' isn't one of my favorite songs now.

Your ever-entertained list-serve-joiner, Jackie.

Dear Jackie,
Well, there is no need to send you any more mailing lists. If you are all ready ever entertained, then whats the point of trying to entertain you more? Waste of time. Hows your menstral cycle going??? Are you getting what you want out of it??
I am quite pleased that you found my picture usefull while doing your photo project on penises. We will have to square off the trade though. I will let you know when i am doing a photo project on vaginas, which incidently is tonite.
Anyhoo, its a pleasure to meet you. Even though I don't know you, I am confident you won't be offended by my first words dirrectly to you.

The second latter is from E. Alex R. of Tipper Gore's Closet:

The second letter is from Julie F. of Wood's Heating Service:

Hello Benjamin. How are you? I am well but suffering without you, of course. Is texas treating you well? I was writing because I am scatterbrained and forgetful and have lost your address. I found some stuff of yours and wanted to send it along. As soon as I get your address you'll get a present. Ok. I have to go cause I'm at work. Take care. Love, Julie.

Dear Julllieeeeeeeeeee,
No Problem.

I have never had cable before. Never growing up, never any where I lived. I always wanted cable real bad. When I was a kid I used to want Mtv and Nickelodeon. But as I grew older, what I wanted more was to watch reruns. Sure, cable has heaps of random movies and origional programming, but I am a classic sort of fellow, and like to watch things from the days of yore. I never wanted HBO or anything like that, if I wantto watch movies I can go to any video store and rent them. Documenteries, as much as I like them, I can usually find a video, or at least a book. I can garentee that every documentry you watch is based on a book or two. But for reruns of old TV shows, there are very few places to turn.
So I move down to texas. The apartment I got came with cable included, and I love it!! I have been taping it like mad, and got myself 100 blank videos. I plan to tape 600 hours of cable TV before I've left texas. Yes, 600 hours is a lot. My theory though is by taping cable every second of the day, I will still have cable after I go back home, and I won't have to pay for it. I don't see most of the shows I tape. Every night, I go on the internet and get TV scheduels for my favorite channels. Then, I sit in front of the TV and program it all into the VCR. It tapes while I sleep, then when I wake up its all ready taping, and when I go out at night its all ready taping.
So, any hoo, I thought that now that I have cable, and have seen many a classic TV shows, I decided I would do a run down of the nine that I have real oppionions on, and tell you what I think of these shows. I call this little feature "TV GUIDE."

1. The andy griffith show:
The Andy Griffith show is easily one of my favorites. So much so that I since I got down here the theme song has been my answering machine message. I like this show a lot because it doesn't make a point to be funny, it just is. It goes along very smoothly, nothing to wacky. But it gets the characters down well, and some how ends up being halrious. At some point durring the series, Don Knotts left the show, and they started filing it in color. I still liked it after this point, but not nearly as much. I like it when Opie gets in trouble and Andy yells at him. Its intresting to compare this show with another popular show of the time, Leave It To Beaver.
2. Leave It To Beaver:
I liked this show at first, but it didn't take too long before it started making me feel sick. I like the 50s era alot, but, not the socs. Thats what leave it to beaver is, a bunch of socs. But not like the ones in The Outsiders, cause even they were a bit bad ass, but if you ever see the movie Cry Baby, leave it to beaver represents the socs in that movie. But even cleaner. And dumb too. One time, Wally said something that his mom didn't like and her reasoning was "Wally, would you say that if the president was here?" What kind of reasoning is that???? What are the chances of the president showing up??? And if he does, thats when you worry about it. The only character I like on this show is Eddie Hascal.
3. Get Smart:
I like this show a lot. I like how inspecter gadget was just a take off on this show. Its pretty funny and has good stories. On top of that, the girl, number 86, is hot and dresses real mod. You know, i think all great spy parodies are based off this show. The naked gun and things like that, they all have GEt Smart to thank for making way.
4. Matlock:
Another show starring Andy Grifith. Its sad to see and go from being so young to so old so quickly each night, as his two shows are just an hour apart from each other. They should stick another show in there where he is in his 50s or so, it would really make the transition a lot easier. None the less, I like it alot. If it wasn't for the Simpsons, I probably wouldn't have picked up on its heavy targeting at elder folks. This is a generation that LOVED the movie "Anatomy Of Murder," and stars a TV star from their era as well. I really like the way this show portrays young people. I also like the theme song. Actually, my favorite part of the show is when they go to a commercial and they show a still picture of Ben Matlock as they play a snippet from the theme song. I really like that alot, actually. You know, the 1980s were the time to be old. First off, it ment you were young durring some great eras, but number two, there was so much more out there for you, and not too much had changed since you were young. Probably the newest inventions you used were the micowaves and nylon jackets, sinatra was still alive, and you had shows like matlock and murder she wrote on TV. In the 90s, the era changed: CDs and computers came in, sinatra died, and the only old people show left is Diagnosis Murder, which is a great show. And no body cares about the old any more because they aren't part of this era any more. Thats why everything these days is so young and hip. These days are some of the worst and sickening days if you don't want to be young and hip, because its the beginning of the new era, the old era has been pushed out, and so they just expect us to get used to it and go with the flow. Matlock is a breth of fresh air, and so recent to. You know, the one show from this market in the 80s that I'm yet to see is Father Dowling. I wonder ifc that was any good.
5. Happy Days:
This show is ok. Nothing great. But I do like the Fonz a lot. In fact, I have added him to my short list of heroes, which also includes Andy Rooney and The Big Bopper.
6. The Munsters:
This show is amusing, but not super funny. But I still like it a lot. Its got a great theme song, but its style that this show excells in. This show has lots of style. You know, my favorite song ever is Monster Mash. No other song describes me so well, there is no other song that I am able to identify so much with. I would hardly call the munsters my favorite show, but it cirtenly fits a long side Monster Mash better than any other song.
7. The Odd Couple.
Very similer to the munsters, actually. Its not the funniest show, though it is funnier than the munsters. But again, its the mix of one of the best theme songs on TV, and just having a lot of good style to it. I easily identify with Oscar. On top that, on the other hand, Tony Randel is one of my all time favorite actors. I like him much better than Jack Lemmon. Great show, great show.
8. I Love Lucy:
Oh, there is no question I like this show alot. I like how you never know whats going to happen next, all you know is something wacky is about to happen. The dirrection you think the show is going in usually ping pongs back and forth. But, it does usually follow the same formula, which I do get tired of some times: Lucy wants something, but ricky says no. So lucy comes up with some hair brain scheam to get it anyways, little knowing that ricky has changed his mind, which ends up causing a lot of trouble when she does find out. So Lucy tries to fix everything behind ricky's back, which either makes things worse, or it turns out ricky was playing a joke on her. I think the show most similer to I Love Lucy was Signfeld. Signfeld also had the same formula every show, where some one would want something, like a cirten girl or a cirten job, come up with wacky scheme or lie that every one else has to help with. Then at the end of the show, the plan usually back fires. I am not much of a signfeld fan, though I was for a little while, then I just got sick of the same formula every week. I love lucy is much better, but is still a bit to formula based. I like it a lot anyways though.
9. The Dick Van Dyke Show
It seems a lot of people don't like this show, but I think its one of the best. I think its one of funniest shows thats been on tv. There is lot of just plum slap stick comedy, which i like quite a bit. Carl Reiner wrote most of the shows, hes a funny guy.

Anyhoo, thats it for this week. I will see you all when the cows come home. Tonite is two cheeseburger nite at huts and I'm quite excited.

The Bongo Player From Megadeath,
Lance Romañce

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