219: Wheres The Baby Oil??? What Will I Do With Out It?
2:6:02 3\42Nite
Ugh. Heart burn. Just what I need. I think I am gonna go on a strict Tums-only diet. Do those things work??? Well, I will find out soon enough. Look how much my health is deteriating. You know, Groucho Marx once said "A Man is only as young as the women that he feels." Being the necrofeliac I am, this is bad news.

So how are you all???? I spilled root beer on my computer about a week and a half ago. This caused LOTS of problems, and so I started drinking MORE root beer. My entire hard drive erased, my entire wallet emptied in order to repair it. Ugh. you know, I don't really like having a computer. It creates nothing but head aches and eye strain. The naked women are nice though, so thats why I can't put it down. I am a slave to internet pornography.
Speaking of porn, let me tell you about the job I recently applied for. I was in a pizza joint one night, which is next to 24 hour adult video store called "Pleasureland." The manager from that store came in while I was waiting for my pizza. He started telling about how he just hired a new guy for graveyard shift, but hes afraid hes gonna bail, so he is still hiring. Then my pizza was done and I went home. As I went home, I thought about it. "Me working at a porno store. Hmmm... That could be fun. But all the wierdos coming in. Ah, hell, I can handle them." So I got home, ate my pizza, grabbed my resume and then went to Pleasureland, which, incidently, is just down the block and around the corner. In fact, its right accross the street from the toy store that I recently worked at. I turned my resume into the manager.
This would be a GREAT job!!! First of all, I would get to watch lots and lots of porno movies. They had 3 VCRs there, which means I could watch 3 pornos at once!!! Wowee wow!! Also, when I went in, the manager, and the other worker, who was a good looking girl, were just sitting around smoking cigarettes. I could smoke cigars at work! I've never had a job that I could smoke cigars at. And that would be cool working with a girl at a porno shop grave yard shift. Just imagine, its 4 am and no ones coming in. All night I am just watching 3 pornos at once, while the girl gives me blow jobs and I'm smoking a cigar. Thats a job I would greatly enjoy. I really hope I get it.
But wait, there more!!! I would be working grave yard shift, which is minight to 8am. I do not mind those hours at all. I think one of the great advantages of my job is my ability to brag about it. When I get back to providence for the summer, people would say "What did you down in Austin?" And I would say "Oh, I worked grave yard shift an all night porno store." I would enjoy saying that. It would also be fun to have on my resume. I would like to be applying for future jobs and some old lady is interviewing me? and shes going over my resume, and then her eyes open wide. "You worked an adult video store!" she would exclaim, as she holds her hand to her heart, trying to calm herself.
There would also be a great metaphore completed with this job. When I first came to Austin, I worked at a children's toy store. Then, I worked at a college bookstore, and then an adult video store. It would signify my growth in austin.
Grave yard shift would also be good cause it would pay the best. I would rake in a lot of good money. Also, I would get comissions, better commissions than non-graveyard workers. I over heard the manager saying at the pizza shop that I would get a 10% commision on all dildo sales. So I would have to work on my salesmanship. I would make sure that every one who walked in that store didn't walk out with out a dildo!! Also, my employee discount would come in handy cause dildos make great birthday gifts. There are many girls on this very mailing list who would be recieving dildos for for their birthday from yours truely. Maybe I would even get it engraved for you!!! I garentee no one else, not even your parents, would give you a better gift than that this year.
Man, what a great job. The benafits out way the down sides about 50 to one. I really hope I get this job. I really, really hope I do. You should all call up and recomend me for the position.



Bam B-B-Bam Bam Bam!!! Nothing else has really been happening lately. Nothing new or exciting, nothing old and the same. Just a lot of sitting around. I picked up my last check from last job yesterday. Here is morfe from my journal from over vacation:
Sunday December 31st. As usual, I had breakfast at Ocean. I spent the rest of the day, pretty much, hanging out at the Brown Bookstore Campus shop, whth list member Lindey C, and two other girls I didn't know. One of whom showed up at my breakfast the next morning. I had lunch at Spike's and then went with Lindsey while she had lunch at Geoffs, and Javed was working there. That was about it for that day, and I decided to take the evening in, as my parents weren't home.
On our date, I sang Julie a small bit of "The Oldsmobiel Song," which I wrote last summer but never finnished. I'm not sure how it came up but Julie seemed amused. So when I got home on Sunday night, I finished writing the lyrics, then worked on the guitar part, and then spent the night practicing it.
I still hadn't had dinner yet tonight, so I went to Wings To Go, where listmember Jenny McLarin gave me the hook ups. I couldn't decide what sauce to get so Jenny made me a great combination bbq/suicide/honey mustard/teryaki/blue cheese. Mmm mmm good. Went home, went to sleep.
Monday, December 31st. New years eve. I got up a little after 7am to be at Ocean and make sure everything was in order for the 6th anuell new years eve breakfast. Same and Dave Martika and some cook I don't know were working. Not many people showed up, so I was a bit disapointed, but several people did stop in through out themorning: Susana Brown, t hat one girl from the brown bookstore i had just met and her friend, Stu & Melissa, Nate D, Lousise D, Julie....
I left Ocean at a little before 1pm. I went to drop some photos off to get devoloped, then went to the post office to hang out with Betty and Gary. I ran into Neal Davis, the crazy old man I met a week before I left in september.
One day last sepetmber, I was walking home to my parents house. As I turned down Arlington, an old man was walking to his car and said to me "Nice weather, isn't it?" "Yeah," I said." Sure beats the weather we had last week," referring to the drizzily days we had had. The reason he stopped me was because he was a photographer who used to teach at RISD, when my dad went there. My dad used to wait tables at the faculty club or something when he was around the age I am now. Thats when Neal remembers my dad from, and I guess I look like he did back then, so I looked very familier to him. I started talking to this guy, and it came up that I played the drums. Well, he took me inside his house, where he had an old snare drum next to the piano. He started playing "lady is a tramp" on the piano while I played the snare drum along with him. Then he got out his ukelale and started singing "Tiptoe To The Window," just like Tiny Tim. This guy was great!!! He showed me pictures of his family, and told me about his daughter who was in an Andrews Sisters tribute band, and dirrectinga play out in LA. We called her up and he had me talk to her. He told me lots of stories and great jokes, and kept talking about how we are in a band now. I hung out with him for neerly 2 hours, and he told me stop by again some time. I never got to because I left for Portland soon after, but I ran into him on the post office over my vacation, and we got a nice picture together. I will be sure to stop by over the summer. I also got a picture of me and Betty from the post office. I then picked up my photos and headed over to Stereo Discount Center.
I went to the stereo store to find Dave Lifriri, and discus with him concert plans. We decided that we could play an acoustic show tonite in a back room at the hive, but not before seeing Stu playing with V Majestic at the shepard building. I got home a little later where I got my shit together and waited for Geo to pick me up.
We went to checkers pizza for a while and picked up some girl-cousin of his, then went tos ome friend of hers, then down town to see V Majestic, as part of first night. Dave L. was supposed to come down and bring me a button but he didn't show up. We tried just walking in with out buttons, when the first night guy said "you gus got buttons and tried to stop us. Well, I was the only one who stopped, and said "I don't have it yet, my friend is bringing it to me." He told me that I had to wait till I had it, and I told him that every one else who had just walked in had theirs, which they didn't. But Geo borrowed two buttons from people who were all ready in, came out, gave me one, went back in, then I went in a few minutes later with a button.
After the show, we went right over to the Hive. We played an imprpateu accoustic show in a back room at about 1 am, for people who wanted a break from the dance party. It went ok, we didn't play for long, but I sold two CDs. We ended shortly cause Geo's cousin was getting REAL tired and had to be taken home.
Me and Dave stayed a few more hours. This girl Xander, who lives at the Hive, showed me and Dave a spooky area in the basement that was most surely haunted, and had a drum set. So I just sat down and started playin like mad for about 15 minutes or so. Dave and Xander started dancing!! That was great!!! I haven't played drums like that in years!
Me and Dave left a little while later. I walked, smoking a cigar, as dave rode his bike. I don't know what time I finely got home, but dave told me the next day it was past 5am, which means I was up for about 22 hours that day, with little rest. When I got home, I fell asleep fast. My dad woke up at about 2:30 pm on new years day, because Geo had just called to wake me up. I was supposed to be at Ocean at 3. I quickly showered, dressed up, and was just just a few minutes late. I think 3 bands played before we did, we were the last band as usual. Geos dad, of "Elvis Sinatra" fame, video taped the show which I hear came out pretty well. I ended up not making my own audio tape because Geo's dad moved around alot, which is great visualy, but the sound he picked up while doing so would be moving around a lot, which isn't good. I still don't have a copy of this video yet, but once I do, I will make you one upon request.
I opened with "The Oldsmobiel Song," which I played by myself, then the band came in for the rest of the set. It was a relatively short set. I had trouble remembering lyrics to some of my songs, I messed up on the guitar parts a couple times, but I still think it was one of my best shows yet. We had a strong rhythm section and the band sounded great. We closed with "Winky-Doo Dinky-Lippy-Loo." On the last verse, where I normaly say "And I saw a pretty girl...", I insted said "And I saw Laura...", the waitress at Ocean. Then in the song when the pretty girl talks, I just put the microphone up to Laura. All she said was "Hello." After words, she came up to me and said she was sorry she blanked out. I said it was fine cause she didn't expect it, I blank out my self some times. What was talking about??? Man, I can't remember what I was writing. Oh yeah, so that was all cool.
After the show I stopped by Brent's then went to see "Harry Potter And The Sorcerer's Stone" with Geo and Anna. That movie was OK but my mind was else where so I didn't pay close attention. Geo said he liked it cause it had the words "Pot" and "Stoned" in it. Ha ha! right there in the title! They dropped me off at Dave's after word, so I could pick up some titty titty yum yum CDs, and hung out for bit. I went home at about 12:30, very tired, after a 7 hour day.
On wednesday, January 2nd, I got up, went to ocean around 10 and had a HUGE meal until about 11. I went to the train station, got my ticket and sat down and waited for my train, while writing in my journal. Some girl came up to me while I was writing and kicked my foot to get my attention. She kicked it like she knew me, so I looked up and said "Hello." But I don't think she did knew me, because she didn't say anything, and walked away. My train showed up about 25 minutes later and my vacation ended. The end.

The first letter this week is from Jenny M. of Orlando, Fl:

Hello Ben, I had to write you to let you know that I wan un able to quit my job at the Brown bookstore my boss asked me to stay which made me feel good and I was quite productive for about a day and a half and now I'm back to chillin on 2hr lunches and emailing you I don;t have any other news but I just wanted to tell you I have recieved and read your 2 latest mailings and well I LOVE YOU bye bee cool love Rebecca

Dear Jenny,
Aroooo!!! Arf arf!!!! Meow!!!
Love,
Lance

The second letter is from Scorr A. of Oh!MeinPa, PA:

Benjomino,
write about dick cheney and how he should go to hell.
or um.. how your planning a big dance party in providence..
OR write about how buddy cianci is planning to take over the world, from his
headquarters in the biltmore. and hes going to have big robots march around
and explode things, and all these banners of his face will come down and be
around providence. and he'll rule with a tyranical fist. and then he'll kill
george bush and sleep with his wife. and then kill her too. and then him and
osama bin blah blah will commit terroist acts but they'll be harsher acts,
like toilet papering and smashing mailboxes, and kicking dents in cars. and
spray painting "terroism rules" or "america blows"
or you could write about how much scott hates suvs. and he's going to start
producing bumper stickers for a smaller car campaign.. and public service
anouncements for tv about it.
or you could just write what you've been doing in texas which is what we all
really want to know about anyway.
all my love,
scott.

Dear Scott,
Hey, if theres one thing I can say aboute George Bush, its that he has ahot wife. You know, my biggest regret from my new years concert was that it wasn't pro-taliban enough. I wanted to hang a big afgahn flag up behind the drummer, but I never got around to getting ones. Youd be sirprised how few afghan flags there are on ebay.
Love,
Lance

Another good thing happend last week when I went to see the Breeders. I like the Breeders a lot and have been wanting to see them for years, and was finely fortunate to be able to see them. I decided to bring "Titty Titty Yum Yum" with me. I brought two coppies: one for Kim deal and one for Kelly Deal. Good thinking. I held on to them till the later half of the show. I was close to the stage, and I gave them to my friend jenny s. who was in front of me, and leaning on the stage. She put one in front of Kelly Deal, cause thats where we were standing, and slid the other one down to Kim Deal, and some people we didnt know who were standing in front of her put it right at the bottom of the mic stand. As they were getting off the stage, jenny picked up Kelly's copy and made sure she took it. Kelly stood around for a bit, shaking every ones hand, including my own, as did Kim. But Kim was standing there on stage holding MY cd for a few minutes, which was rather exciting. My only regret was not taking a picture. I kept looking at Kim to see if she took hers. I didn't see her take it, but it was gone, so I'm asuming she very well might have. I just hope that soon as they got off the stage they didn't throw it in the trash. They haven''t called or emailed me yet which gets on my nerves.

Any hoo, thats it for now. I have more things to talk about but I will sit on them until my next mailing. See you later, everyone!!! Don't forget to write in some new letters, or else no letter section next week. happy new year!!!

Love,
Someone Who You Should Have In Your Will,
Lance Roañce


Thank you for reading this issue of tha Lance Romañce Mailing List. To subscribe, send an email to tendonitus@giantrats.com with the word "Subside" in the subject. For back issues, and just more entertainment, visit www.GiantRats.com.
---------------------------------------------
comercial use or mass emails using the names and/or email addresses of subscribers to this mailing list is strictly forbidden
---------------------------------------------
©2002 Lance Romañce All Rights Reserved
this mailing is anti-dave mathews
email: tendonitus@giantrats.com
website: http://www.giantrats.com