218: The Jupiter Mission
1:23:02 1\30Morn
Hi every body. This mailing list is dedicated to singer Peggy Lee, whom I greatly like. I've liked her a lot ever since I realised that the song that Jessica Rabitt sang durring her night club act was one of hers. She died on monday, so this is her issue.

Some of you may my theory about the dirrection of music: That music has gotten as offensive and obnoxious as it can get. So, when todays kids become parents, the only music they will be offended by will be Easy Listening. They will be puzzled by the fact their kids aren't listening to offensive music, as kids should, and will think there is something wrong with them and that they are all sissies. Most people I present this theory to seem to agree with it, and say I'm probably right. But, lately I've been thinking I could be wrong. I'm not wrong about the dirrection of music, but what I may be wrong about is that it may not be easy listening. No, I think its actually quite likely that classical might be the ne next big thing. I think that popular rock music as we know it may be on its last strings, and classical music is long over due for a come back. Sure, we still have the occasional classical hit these days, like the Star Wars music, or the theme song from The Simpsons, which was composed by Oingo-Boingo frontman Danny Elfman. But classical is by far the most forgotten and unsaught after music by kids of the last 30 years. Its time for that to change.
Over the past few years I have slowly been getting into classical music. The Nutcracker hit me like an atomic bomb, but since than its been a slow climb. In the past few months, I have found my self really intrgued, but have done very little in terms of collecting. Then this weekend came. The film "2001: A Space Odyssey" came to a local theater. I saw it on saturday night, sunday night, and once again this evening. What an amazing film!!! I have seen it before on video, but it was a load of crap. Very few movies are that much better in the theater. But just the opening title sequence, while "Also Spach Zarathustra" is playing, to see that 3 minute sequeence in the theater with full sound was worth the price of my ticket right there. The only thing that would have made it beetter would have been to have an actual orchestra there insted of just a recording. Top notch, though. Totally top notch. Its a great movie because i had seen it before, and then these 3 times in rapid succession, and each time I'm more and more intrigued. But not jut by the film, by the music as well. More than anything else though, Johann Strauss Jr's waltz, "The Blue Danube," is what has really hit me the most.
So I've been inspired. With in a couple years, I will be all the rave on Mtv. I will be a frequent guest and request on TRL, and will likely have a couple of shows dedicated to me. So, when I announce my new video, thats going to be a huge event. It might even air on network TV, so EVERY one can see it. But the song I have prepared will be very under wraps. It won't be played on the radio prior to the video being released, and no one will know what to expect. In fact, it will be so secret, that I will have to make a deal with Mtv, or what ever network first airs the video, that they will not be allowed to preview the clip before I put it on. Well, maybe just one person, but every one involved will have to sign all sorts of secracy clauses and ya know. Even all of you, reading this mailing, cause now you know the secret. Anyhoo, because this new video is from such a big star as I am in a few years, and there is so much secracy around the song and the video, there will be such a big buzz about it. Every one will wonder what it is, paparazzi will follow me every where, and John Tesh and Mary Hart won't stop yapping about it. So, then the night will finely come. EVERYone, wondering just what in blazes Lance Romañce has concocted this time, will tune in to see just what the dilly is. Then, all the sudden, there it is, on the TV Screen. Coming out of the Television's speakers, a wonderfuly, magnificent and brillient classical piece, written and conducted by yours truely. Not only that, but a great video to go along with it. And it will be great, and it will be in heavy rotation MTV, VH1, and every top 40 station in the country. And a couple other countries here and there too.
"The Blue Danube" is a great tune. It is the perfect song to show what classical can be. Its not boring and uptight as some people think classical music to be. Its a very fun tune, which an infectious hook, and its a waltz, so you can dance to it. Isn't that just what popular music is? And, the way it is presented in 2001, is a reminder that a great music video can be made for classical. The dancing of space stations and lack of gravity perfectly depicts the floating sensation one should feel when listening to such a tune. So there is proof that it classical music can have a good video, and hence forth, pop appeal.
So my new classical tune will premier on TV and be played every where, and the kids will love it. About a month later, i release my new album, which will be mostly all classical music, and will be the first classical album to ever reach no. 1 in the billboard pop charts, especialy a first because it will reach number one in its first week. But then what will happen, is I will go find some other classical artists who I feel have pop appeal and sign them to my label, market them, and see what happens.
Who knows how long this trend will last, as popular song in the modern form can not be ousted for too long. I expect it to be popular with the kids for about a year or two, and then popular song will resurge. It will be similer to the swing craze of a few years back. It will last a bit longer, though, and have wider appeal. But then, after classical fades out again, THATS when you will find that easy listening will be the thing, and it will stay that way for years.

The first letter this week is from Lani R. of Hot, Sex:

i really liked that story because it brought back memories of you staying at
my apt after your like 18 hour bus ride and me saying to you "why dont you
take a shower" and you just sitting on my couch all smelly and stuff and
procrastinating. you wanted to eat pizza - i had to practically beg you to
take a shower.
so i totally understand.
Lani

Dear Lani,
It seems to me that there were several occasions of this. I do remember the time my shoes smelled so bad that we had to keep them out in the hall, and I think one of your cats died. And the the time I left some socks at your place, and they were hard and crusty, so you tried your best to wash them, but it did no good, so you had to through them out. You should hear some of stories my dentist has about me!! Anyhoo, to make it up to you, I'd like you to come by and shower at my place some time.
Love,
Lance

The second letter is from Natedonthesousaphone of another part of New York City:

Lance-

1. go to a doctor for a routine checkup just to see if you are doing
anything wrong, or if you need to take some pills.
2. eat protein. make sure to include a source of protein (such as
meat, dairy, or soy) in every meal. yogurt is quite good.
especially with muesli.
3. do the Sun Salutation (or other stretching) each morning so you
dont hurt your back at your job and end up not being able to sit on
the floor when you are 40.
4. before you do anything, ask yourself "how will this benefit me?"
5. smoke cigars and eat vitamins

hi ben, i am busy right now recording in NJ with Fuckface2K for the
new 17-song album "Wragkxx 2 Ritchez" (which will be available on cd
format soon).

so watch out, motherfucker.


Maybe you should get those Centrum One-A-Day pills for old people.
that might help.

-Nate


Dear Nate,
I'm sorry I had to fire you from my band.
Love,
Lance

Keep them letters a flyin to me!!!

Well, just last week I was telling you all about my new job, and next week, I hope to tell you about another new job. I sure hope so, because I don't have one right now. What happoned to the one I had last week??? Well, I got fired. That's right!! So I bet your wondering what I did. Well, my big mistake this time was signing up for another job as temperary help. I was just a temp worker at this job and I expired. And unlike the milk at dairy mart, they get rid of you once your date is past. My last day was monday, and I didn't actually know until monday. I haven't started looking yet, and I will have to do that tomarrow. I made some coppies of my resume today, but that was about it. Other wise, I took some time off, which was nice, cause I really havent had very much time off in the past 3 weeks or so. But anyhoo, I am going to go to sleep now. Good night every body, and write me lost of letters!

Love,
I Give You Beaver,
Lance Romañce

Thank you for reading this issue of tha Lance Romañce Mailing List. To subscribe, send an email to tendonitus@giantrats.com with the word "Subside" in the subject. For back issues, and just more entertainment, visit www.GiantRats.com.
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