217: Flirting With Diarrhea
1/16/02 12:22 AM
Good evening, flaps and vamps. Ag, a long day at work is now over, and my hands are cut up and I am tired. But, I triumph over the adversity which holds me down and conquer all doubters by writing you a new mailing list anyways. Some people thought I could never write more than 216 mailing lists, and that the last one would be my last one. But no, I've over come them, and prevailed. Here you are, ladies and gentalmen, mailing list number 217. Triumph, thats what its all about.

Man, I got to work today at 8.30 am, and left at about 8.10 pm. Does it sound like I am working to hard??? Paper cuts and all sorts of things like that have taken over my hands, and they are sore. But 12 hours a day makes for a lot of over time pay, which I need if I intend to make my 3rd album on a 16 track tape recorder. Anyhoo, these insane hours aren't long lasting, only another week or two. I don't mind the long hours, as I insist I enjoy work. They feed us twice a day. Yesterday they fed us deli sandwiches for lunch and fried chicken for dinner. Today, it was pizza for lunch, and baked ziti for dinner. Well, I'll find out when I go in for another 12 hours tomarrow.
A funny thing happond today. My boss, Saryah, or somthing like that, tells me to follow her into her office. I figure she wants me to move some boxes, but she closes the door, which of course means she wants to talk to me. She says to me, she says "We care about hygene here and i have gotten lots of complaints about you. You need to go home and take a bath and change your clothes." Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! I laughed all the way to the bathroom. Durring the 12 hour shifts, we aren't supposed to punch out for lunch. Well, I punched out for lunch, then went home, and cleaned myself silly. That's right! I showered, shampooed, shaved... everything that started with an SH. I even brushed my teeth and put on a never-before-worn pair of socks. I don;t know where my deoderent is, so i just rubbed some soap under my arms. Then I went back to work and knocked out all the ladies with my stunning new hygene.
Now, I'm not a man to avoid the blaming finger when something is my fault. I accept all the blame for this incident, and heres why: I have been very lazy the past few days, and insted of showering like I was supposed to, I decided to spend the extra time in bed and sleep a little later. There is also the fact that I don't have a shower curtain and was too lazy to get the bathroom floor all wet, when I felt that I could do with out a shower. This philosaphy went on for two days in a row. And, with 12 hour work days in clothes that were too warm, your gonna swet a little, and get a little swetty. There was also my bike ride monday morning, which was grueling, cause I had two flat tires. Plus add in a little whack whack session here and there, counter in my broken toilet, and my all ready low hygene, and you've got a recapie for disaster.
Now, the clothes are a different story. We have uniform shirts, and I don't think the shirt was a problem. Well, there was an incident, when I was carrying home the three shirts they gave me, and I dropped one on the ground. I didn't notice for several hours, when I was walking home froma friend's house, and found my shirt laying in the road out side my building. It had been run over by cars, but I don't think that was the problem today, because that wasn't the shirt I was wearing, which smelled fine. But the pants, now, thats a different story. Believe it or not, the pants I was wearing, I was wearing for the first time since I washed them, and techincly should not have smelled. But the washer/dryer in the building are so, so, so crappy. It costs a dollar to wash and 75 cents to dry. Well, the last time I did the laundry, I did a decent load, not too heavy, not unballenced, and put it two two wash cycles. Waste of money. My clothes were not completely wet, some parts just damp, and most of the soap had not disolved. But wet enough. I put them through the dryer three times, and that realkly didnt do anything, except get them luke warm and shake off some of the soap pouder. My laundry came out smellier and crusteier than when I put it in. I did my laundry the week before I came back to providence, and have been too busy working various jobs to complain yet. I will next time I go to pay my rent. But the pants were not my fault. I was able to find some ugly and uncomftrable pants that were perfectly clean that my mom had sent down that I didn't want, but I had to dig through boxes to find them, and they were uncomfortable and ugly.
Any hoo, I think that was a great story, and the only reason I am sending out a mailing list tonight is cause I was so excited to tell you all this story. Anyhoo, I will try my best to keep better hygene, and not be lazy. You know, that was the first time I shaved this year. Shampoo, I don't know about, and I have been questioning it alot lately. I do like my hair better with shampoo, its lighter and curlier. Unfortunately, lately, no matter what brand I've used, shampoo seems to also be making my hair thinner. Thats old age for ya, hair loss. I don't look like I am loosing my hair, and probably won't lose it enough to be noticible by the time i die in 8 years. Its sirprising I am finding this to be a problem, because no membeer oif my family under 70 has lost his hair, on either my dad's or my mom's side. More proof that I'm the freak of the family. Ha! Anyhoo, I've been thinking that shampoo m ight just be a load of crap anyways. Some people think that not shampooing is disgusting, but thats a load of crap. Shampoo is a relativly new product, and has only been poular since the 1930s, and in its current form has only been around since the 70s. That only a very small perecentage of people have ever used shampoo, even in the United States, where hair matters. In fact, one might say that not using shampoo is human nature. Hmmm... So, i am going to cut down on shampoo, but I will keep up the rest of my hygene, and wash my clothes else where.

The first letter this week is from Scott A. Soap And Water:

you are certainly a god amoung men, what with all your entreprenurarial
undertakings and things.
its always good to hear from you.
I wish we could've hooked up while you were home, and I mean hooked up.
harharhar.
i worke at borders now, but they'll fire me soon since im simply a holiday
temp. but its great- multi conglomerates are awesome, i have all these
workers rights, like scheduled breaks and benefits that john brusoe couldn't
have dreamed of in his wildest nightmares.
bye bye
lust, your good ex-icecream collegue scottadingbag.


Dear Scott,
You know, I say that if you didn't come to my breakfast, its your fault we didn't hook up. Oh well, amybe over the summer. I also played a concert on new years eve at the hive archive and on new years day at ocean coffeee. Why weren't you there?? Were you busy having sex with Trish? Good for you!
Borders, huh?? Well, thats not too bad. They're better than Barnes & Noble. Ha!!!! Isn't that great?? There is no difference between boarders and barnes and noble. Well, at least not on the out side. Behind closed doors though, I think barnes and noble is one of the worst companies out there. There attemps to buy out every college and university book store in the country are sure signs that they intend to control what you read. Books are great because they are the most uncensored form of mass media, and its important to keep it that way, and universities are often where unpopular and controversial ideas are most often discussed. By controlling what books are sold in college bookstores, they can much greatlyer control what ideas and texts make there ways onto your campus. Many places have turned down their offers to buy, but that doesn't always last. The UT Bookstoire, where I work now, turned it down. But importent ones, such as the BU Bookstore and the Harvard/MIT Co-Op are long gone, along with millions of others. According to inside sorces, it even seems to be that the Brown Bookstore will likely be one soon. They also own one of the largest book distributing companies in the country. Well, anyhoo, my point is, that I am glad you don't work at barnes and noble. They are on my top ten list of companies to boycott the best I can.
Love,
Lance

The second letter if from Martha P. of Hold On WHile I Take A Leak:

dear Lance,

I want to express my sincere disappointment at hearing that you don't have
small t-shirts. What self-respecting man would make t-shirts and not get
small ones for those of his female friends who want to show off what they've
got.

On second thought, I'd have to say that it doesn't matter one whit to me,
since your t-shirts are probably white, and I don't wear white. ever.

Thanks anyway,

cornflake

Dear Martha,
Well, here's the good reason: I only had a couple of shirts made, 8 to be exact, for my farewell concertos in August, right before I left Providence. I wanted my shirts to be white on green. My friend who silk screened them for me didn't have smal t-shirts to print on, so there is the reason. I don't remember what sizes he had, but all I know is I only got Large and medium, so there weren't any shirts for my larger fans either. Just the inbetweens, like myself, Lance Romañce, who was quite please. And so no, they were not white t-shirts. I have this real problem with fashion today, where color seems to be out of style. Every thing seems to be white or gray. I believe that when EVERY thing is black and white, it is depressing. So, in order to add some color to everyones life, I had my shirts be green. Just like my Lance Vegas visor. Only the writing was white.
Love,
Lance

Remember to send your letters here, immediately!

One thing that has intrigued me down here in Austin is all the Public access shows on cable. I am familier with public access, and that by law, every cable company has to have a studio where any one and every one can come and do a show, uncensored, and the cable company has to provide the equipment. But i've never seen it cause I've never had cable before. But now I do, and I have seen it, and I think its great. So, I've decided, this summer, when I go back to providence, I will have a cable access show of my own, and it will be called, of all things, "The Lance Romañce Mailing List." I am just gonna go around and do all sorts of cool things, and then show them on the air. Some of my ideas for this show, is an episode where we go dear hunting with an experienced hunter. We won't actually shoot any dear. What we will do is learn how to find dear and be quite, and then when the dear shows up, I will chase it yelling "bang bang". I also thought it would be neat to take a tour of the Autocrat company and see how Coffee Syrup is made, or how del's lemonade is made. I thought about having intresting conversations with people about things, maybe have some game show episodes, maybe an episode where I go to the beach and pull down girls bathing suits. I was also was thinking about doing a documentry on Dudleytown, CT, one of the most haunted places in the world. But they don't have documentries on it on the cable shows about haunted places because its private proparty and we would have to tresspass. All this, plus a weekly letters section, and I've though I might score it with my record collection, which boasts many lost, forgotten, and unknown gems I would like to share. I will need a crew though, so let me know if you want to help out.

Man, I don't now. I think I am eating a lot better, I've been eating my vegitables FINELY, and I've even put on a little weight, which is good. But I am still worried about my health quite a bit. I Took a leak a little while ago and I almost past out. Thats happond before but that was pretty bad. After taking a leak, I walked to to the other room to turn off the tv, but found my self only able to stand half way up, not breathing well and having to pant, and my vision getting blurry. That doesn't sound healthy, does it??? I didn't feel dizzy though. Its not like it was a tough leak either, real simple, self propelled leak, not much effort on my part. I also almost lost it this morning when lifing a heavy box. I don't know if those are the only two incidents. Man, what should I do. Well, maybe I should go to sleep. Good night!!!

Love,
The Man Who Wan't Clean,
Lance Romañce


Thank you for reading this issue of tha Lance Romañce Mailing List. To subscribe, send an email to tendonitus@giantrats.com with the word "Subside" in the subject. For back issues, and just more entertainment, visit www.GiantRats.com.
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