212: Happy Holey Jeans
12/22/01 9:17 PM
Good morning, every body. Good morning to each and every one of you. All of each of you. Eal of ach of you. Yall eak you all so now of. Hello. Hello. Welcome to my igloo.
Do you all know me? My name is Lance Romañce, and you are reading the nudist issue of my mailing llllllllist. I am origionally from Providence, RI. I have been living in Austin, TX since late September. Since October, I have been working as holiday help at a small toy store called "Toy Joy." This is my story.

Don't be behuved. I am going to be back in Providence cum lade around 8 pm on December 25th. Just in time for Christmas. a On December 26th, Christmas, I will be behuving myself about town. I will go to CVS and get some christmas clearence. I do that every year. Last year, I bought a gigantic tin of popcorn, chese popcorn, and carmel corn for about $1.99. On the way out, I ran into my friend Tara and offered the tin to her. She was on her way to her car, and she declined. Maybe this year I will be more agressive.
Also this time last year I had just quit my job at the Brown Bookstore. I had been thyere for almost a year and ahalf. My last day was on December 23rd, I think. Wow, who'd a thunk another year would pass.

I have long been confused about Tim Allen. When ever I think about Tim Allen, I think I like him, and I like Home Improvment. But I am often quite disappointed by both. Hmph. So I have been wondering. What is it about Tim Allen that greatly appeals to me? Well, I've figured that one is his voice. He does have a great voice, demonstrated most notably in the toy story movies. Number four is his contraversal suroundings. Not so much now, but when he first started, he was considered rather contaversal. He was too sexist, and that was the bassist of his comedy. That appealed to me. Secondly, I find his trademark "R-R-R"s and grunts amusing, neato labido. First of all, he was supposed to be this manly football watching handyman. But he wasn't the big huge guy witha beer belly you might expect. The lack of visual stereo type also appealed to me.
Sadly, Tim Allen often fails up to the dream. Home Improvment is often sappy. I do like it sometimes, but its often just too sappy, as are Tim Allen's movies and interviews. The eappeal of Tim Allen often prooves not to be much more than theoreticle specture. Actually, I think Tim Allen is a lot like Robin Williams these days, only Tim Allen wasn't in any good movies in the 80s. Shame on you, Tim Allen. You are very decieving.
Another decieving celeberty is Burl Ives. Burl Ives. Burl Ives. What a great name that man had. Burl Ives. Truley a name of magnifisance. I wish I could say his music was as great as his name. In acuality, his voice isn't that great, his lyrics are lame, and his music isn't that great. I do greatly enjoy the first nine bars of "Holly Jolly Christmas," but thats it. His greatness only goes as far as the sound of his name.

I will be in providence through January 2nd. I will be playing concerts and hosting breakfasts in that time. I am still unsure exactly when and where any of these events may be. There will be one at Ocean Coffee on January 1st. There will be other people playing and it will be durring the day but I don't know what time. I have no idea about new years eve, or any other possible concerts I may end up playing before I leave. As for break-fast, I just haven't chosen a place yet. I hope I can play a bunch, cause I have several new songs to try out.Hopefully, I can send you all out an update from Providence, but there are some computer-usage issues that will be the ultimate deciders of how soon I can send out another mailing list, or even do a little whack-whack.

So what did I do for my birthday? Well, 7 people were going to take me to some fancy hawaiian-owned BBQ joint about 45 minutes out of Austin. Unfortunatly,, we got to such a late start that by the time we would have gitten there, it would have beeen closed. So, we ended up at RJ Heim's Crappy 24 Hour BBQ here in the cityu. Most of these people were the same people I ended up spending Thanksgiving with as well as various parties.
So on tuesday, I went to a Job interview. My interv iew was at the University of Texas Bookstore, where I would be hired for January bookrush. I would be doing the same job I did at the Brown Bookstore. Exactly the same, so I should be a shoe-in, right? Well, check this out: Two of the three people who interviewed me were in that same group of 7 who I spent my birthday with. Like family!!!! In fact, I had pretty much been hired before I even applied. The application and interview were really just formalities. I am gonna start working at the UT Bookstore cum lade January 7th 2002 for I believe $8.50 an hour. Just in time for the king's birthday.

The first letter this week is from Katherine C. of Sidewalk, Chalk:

dear ben
hey, how are you?? i just wanted to write to say hello and to ask you a
small favor. my friend, ella, who is superrad and totally loves lance
romance wants wicked bad to be on your mailing list. could you put her on
it? and also my friend julia. ella is from new jersey and julia is from
indianapolis.
im coming home on the 21st and leaving for school again on january 2nd,
but i really hope i get to see you in the time we're both in RI. we can
go to ben and jerrys and break shit.
please reconsider your new years resolution, my world will be crushed
without your biting humor to keep things in perspective.
thanks so much
*katherine

Dear Mama Kat,
I am cirtenly sticking with my resolution. Surly, I have more redeeming qualaties to me than just my jokes, don't I? ... Well, don't I? ... Don't I... Oh. I see. :-(
See, the way I figure it, by holding back for a year, all the jokes will just build up inside me and when 2003 rolls around and my -joke-a-ban is lifted, I will explode with jokes. Jokes so funny that you will get rashes on your theighs from so many urinary irritation. Really, this is just a brilkliant technique to revitalise my humer and be funnier than ever. In a way, Its part of an extension of last years resolution, so I can be even MORE like Groucho.
Love,
Lance

The second letter this week is from Lani R. of Carl Perki, NS:

nice to even thank everyone for their birthday gifts. you beg and you beg and
yet you give no mention of all of us who went out of our way to make your
birthday happy. especially since i spent a fortune fed-xing you nyc pizza.
hope it was yummy :)
Lani

Dear Lani,
I loved your gift, don't get me wrong. But I chose not to mention it in my mailing out of respect. RNot everybody on the mailing list got me a present. I know that they didn't have time or couldn't afford it, and it would be mean and unfriendly of me to rub in who did. It would make them feel insecure and that they are bad friends. I don't want to install these kinds of feelings into people, do I? No, cirtenly not. So I chose not to mention the wonderful and thoughtful gifts I got from my real friends, not as disrespect to you, but as respect to the people who don't love me.
Love,
Lance

So a few days ago, I go to the bank to cash my pay check. Because the check was for a decent sum, they required two formes of ID. I handed them my Rhode Osland state issued ID Card, and my Rhode Osland state issued Birth Cirtificate. you know what they told me?? They told me that my birth cirtificate was not a valid form of ID!! What the fuck are they talking about??? What other ID could I possibly give them??? Did they want me to pull down my pants??? Would my cock be identifaction enough??? What the fuck are those bitch faces trying to pull. They told me I should get a Texas ID. Thats a load of crap. Even the bank's top executives don't have texas ID. There is no law stating only texans can cash checks.
Have I ever talked to you guys before about wmy gripes with banks??? Well, in case I haven't, I hate banks. The only people who get any practical use out of them are people who make cookie jars full of money. Banks are designed to lure people who make a livable amount of money or less, and put them deeply in debut. So deeply in debut that they can never pay it back and close their account, or switch to another bank.
I do not have a bank account. I cash my checks at the issuing banks, and deal with every thing in cash. This is the only way to stay out of debut. Sure, you can loose cash. It can get stolen. But I do not have enough moeny. The most money any one can steal from me is much less than bank fess and penalties. And just not getting all the bank-related head aches is worth a million bucks by itself. Actually, I think your money is much more likely to be stolen in a bank than in cash. I mean, its a guarentee. The banks steal your money all the time. So, I do not have a bank account.
So with out a bank account, how do I cash my checks??? Well, on every check you get is the name of a bank. That bank is the issuing bank, and by law, that bank has to cash your check for you free of charge. The thing is even though they have to, they don't want to. If they tell you for what ever reason that you can't cash your check, be VERY confronting. Tell them to call the person who wrote the check and have them identify you by voice. Or, do what I like to do and just tell them to suck your dick. Don't leave until security drags you out. And when they do, yell and scream as loud as you can. Get noticed, get witnesses. Make sure the bank customers take note of you. Tell them that its the bank breaking the law and not you. How ever, if you'd want all your bank transactions to run smoothly and quickly, its never a bad idea to bring a lawyer with you when ever you enter a bank.
Any hoo, after a bit of a tiff, I was able to cash my check.

You know, this is the first mailing list I've ever written up entirely by hand. Iw actually wrote this mailing list on December 19th while my computer was out of batteries. I also want to mention I saw a great piece on my favorite show, 60 minutes, last sunday. It was about the phone companies, and discussed many of the reasons I banned verizon. Did yoiu know not even the head of the FCC is able to make much sense of his phone bill. Something must be done.

Any hoo, until next time.... Come to my concert, and write more letters for the next issue's letters section. Some more subscribers would be nice too, so tell people to subscribe. I am leaving to marrow and will be hom tuesday. Until then, have a safe and prosperous holiday. Don't drink too much egg nogg!!!! I will see you then. I love you, bye bye.

Love,
The Man With All The Boys,
Lance Romañce


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