211: Clap If You Like Muppet Babies
12/13/01 3:44 AM
Hello again, sheep. How are you all doing??? Well, another mailing list is being writen at write now, as I write. what do I have in store for you this week??? Well, read on.

I like making new years resolutions. Every year I make up some new years resolutions and every year a follow through. Last year, mty new years resolution was to be more like Groucho. The year before that, it was to be more sexually hurassing twards girls. And the year before that, it was to eat 100 pieces of bacon. So what is my new years resolution for 2002??? Well, this year, i've decided that it will be to stop telling jokes. That's right!! My new years resolution this years is to not tell any jokes at all. And I have a good track record with keeping my resolutions, and I have no intention of breaking it. As of January 1st, I will be 100% serious, 100% of the time.

Speaking of the new year, two important things come up. First of all, on new years eve, I will be playing a couple of concerts. I will give you more details later cause I don't know them all. Also, on the morning of new years eve, before any parties starft, there is the annuel breakfast, which more recently has been traditionally my treat. So this year I hope to treat no less than 50 people to a morning breakfast. Where?? Well, thats still in discussion, so I will have to bring that uplater too. But you are all invited. I will be inprovidence for one weekonly, between christmas and new years. Then I come back to Texas where I willbake in the sun.
Also with the new year come buying a new calander. But I say "Why waste your hard earned cash?" People tend to by calenders every year because they think that the coming year will be completely unique. Well thats a load of crap, because this year is the same year we had in 1991. This year, rather than buying a brand new calander, simply reuse the one you bought in 1991 because the days match up exactly. Here are some of the other years who's calenders coinside with this year:
1991
1985
1974
1963
1957
1945
1935
1929
1918
1907
Of course there were years in the 1800s that match up with 2002 as well, but if you want to use a callender from that far back, i say get with the times, man. Its time to get a new calander. I started using this old calender last year. I spent 2001 using a drug store calender from 1962. It worked great, and had allsorts of fassion tips,famous birthdays and all sorts of shit. I havent gotten one yet this year. I almost got a Cabbage Patch Kids calander from 1985, but some one else got it first.

The first letter this week is from E. Alex R. of Drama Dairy:

Dear Lance,
In my unending quest to significantly alter neuronal firing patterns in
the brain in a manner so that one might continually feel the
illumination of the inner light, I've found that several of your songs
contain distinct patterns of frequencies which fall under the category
some theorists call, "The Special Sounds". Intense struggle which once
claimed years now claims days, according to this theory, when one
undergoes life's preparatory stages and practices in close proximity to
a speaker set up to continually emit a recording of these sounds. The
experience of bliss of the Self is all-consuming, and the transcendental
bliss and pleasure of the illuminated ones provide hope, joy, and
inspiration for others making the journey towards the complete balance
of macrocosmic and microcosmic consciousness. For this reason, I have
prepared a request for the consideration of your work as background
music accompanying shoppers and elevator-riders as they carry out their
daily life-rituals. My hope is that establishments like Bread and
Circus, CVS, and Wes' Rib House will realize that when we take these
sounds into the void of our hearts, our bodies become lustrous and
brilliant with a divine smell and diseaseless.

Dear Alex,
Are farts special sounds?
Love,
Lance

The second letter is from Cockmaster J. of Burle, Ives:

ben i dont know if mike called you but i left some stuff at my apartment and was hoping you could pick it up sometime and just keep it at your house for a bit. also i would be so fucking grateful if you sent out the little package that says levi scofield on it. of you could complete the the address with:

P.O. Box 4518

Bozeman, MT

59772-4518

and pay the 50 cents or whatever for shipping i will buy you dinner when you come back to providence and THATS A MOTHAFUCKIN PROMISE.  seriously if you could send that package man id do more than buy dinner. peace

javed

Dear Javed,
I am most likely going to the post office on Friday. I will see wwhat I can do.
Love,
Lance

Here is a new song I've written. This song is completely origional, and is called "The Deng Xiao Ping Song."

Deng Xiao Ping, Deng Xiao Ping
He's The king for whom we all sing
We All Sing, Deng Xiao Ping
everybody sing, for Deng Xiao Ping

chinese man, leader, commie
when the reds come i load my tommy
i kill red child and i kill red mommy
killing theme sure is funny

Deng Xiao Ping, Deng Xiao Ping
He's The king for whom we all sing
We All Sing, Deng Xiao Ping
everybody sing, for Deng Xiao Ping

red chinese man works at store
i don't think he should work any more
hes a red pig, smells of ham & bacon galore
i kill commie with my tommy and leave him dying on the floor

Deng Xiao Ping, Deng Xiao Ping
He's The king for whom we all sing
We All Sing, Deng Xiao Ping
everybody sing, for Deng Xiao Ping


I might fix this song up a bit. I might redo it completely. There was one more verse in the very beginning, but I ommitted it cause I thought it was kind off dumb. This song is one of my more offensive ones. I might not use it, though, because its too negative, and Lance likes his songs to be a bit more posative, you know??

Anyhoo, thats it for this week. Write in some letters, and don't for get to write your own mailing list. Can't think of a new years resolution?? Ask me, I'll point out your faults. Oh, and find some new subscribers.

Love,
Texan Dildo Farmer,
Lance Romañce


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