210: Warning: Birthday! Warning: Birthday! Warning: Birthday! Warning: Birthday!
11/30/01 1:13 AM
Man, oh man. Its getting cold down here. Its getting so cold that I can hardly sleep at night, as my $400 a month rent doesn't get me much insulation. I am yet to locate either a thermostat, or even any sort of heat omitting device (excluding the stove and hot water heater). Its just as well, though. I would have to pay for any heat I got. I am trying to get my self a space heater, and more blankets. I wish some one told me texas got cold, or I might have planned better. While its been in the 40s here, list member Lani R, way up in Brooklyn, just the other day reported to me wether in the 60s. Even so, though, i mean, when its in the 40s down here its a lot colder, really, than the 40s up north. First off, I didn't think I would need much in the way of a jacket. All I got is my hooters sweat shirt, really. And a sports coat. And then theres just the fact that places around here are built to deal wit HEAT not cold (Another example of poor city planning, as winter does come every year. Not as frequently as rain, and you remember how well they did with that. Texans tend to not believe that things sometimes happen more than once).
I am happy that its cold, though. You know, one of the reasons I was excited about Texas was getting to miss the winter: No snowing, no slush to step through for 4 days after it snows, no toes so frozen they start to curl... I figured it would be great to spend all year round in sun burn wether. Well, I'm glad that I was some what wrong. I have gotten sick of the warm wether. I miss the leaves changing colors, and winter rides in the car. I miss getting hot soup and bagels at Ocean Coffee, and wearing the jacket I made with my cow boy hat, and a nice hot cigar hanging out of my mouth. Man do I miss it. The winter is the time we are reminded that we are all still people. We can clone people, make artificial hearts, and remedy impotence. We have all this fancy technolagy, but there is still no cure for the common cold wether. When it snows, when its freezing out, we all have to bear the pain, and none of our computer-o-matic gizmos can do a thing about it. All our methods of fighting the cold are as old fashioned as time itself. Well, with the exception maybe of furnaces, but thats not much different that fire. But, walls and cielings, coats and jackets... Thos things will never be obsolete. Can you imagine a technolagy that could replace jackets??? I'd like to see you try!! No matter how much of a yuppie you are, you still have to where a jacket. They have all these fashon designers and lables to try to make jackets seem like they are new and exciting, and that they are the cutting edge, but its all propiganda. The fact is that jackets are as old fassioned as they get, and people have been wearing them for as long as they have been bearing winter. I suppose some day we may all have some sort of force fields, and we will all have our own personal atmospheres and shit. I suppose thats actually quite likely. Those would be good for divers, because you could go under water and bring your atmosphere with you so you would never have to come up for air. It would also help with space travel, but that doesn't matter to you and me because it will be too damn expensive.
Muisc this time of year can be nice. I particularly enjoy The Platters's rendition of "White Christmas" and Los Straitjackets's "Sleigh Ride." I've always wanted to do a christmas album. And I wanted to have one of those songs become a new christmas standard. I figure the best way to do that is to write a dozen christmas songs, record them all, then take the best one, enter in to public domain, release it as a single and premote it hevily. I actually have written one christmas song, which I wrote last year, called "Aligator Christmas." It was ok, i used to sing it on to peoples answering mahcines. I've also been thinking about the title of my christmas record. "Seasons Greetings From Lance Romañce" was of course the first thing that popped in my head. But, no, I can't use that because its been used so much before. There are all ready too many albums with that same exact title: my name and all. So, i thought for a minute, and decided I would just replace the words "Seasons Greatings" with "Seamons Creamings," and that way every body would be happy. That would also be fund because it would have my christmas classic on it, and all the kids would want to buy it and then the album would be called "Seamons Creamings From Lance Romañce" and the parents would then refuse to buy it and it would be a big controversey. My explanation would be "Seamon's is a resteraunt that I really like, and they have really good egg nog, and 'creamings' means the egg nog."

I didn't have an itroduction this wekk, because just before aI started writing, I imagined a guy saying "And now, ladies and gentlemen, a man who need no introduction..." So I decided not to do one.

Excerpted the Providence Journal Boulitan's Website:
>PROVIDENCE -- Known for its Federal Hill restaurants, outdoor skating rink
>and a network television drama series, the city of Providence now is
>entering the fashion business.
>
>Mayor Vincent A. Cianci Jr. today held a press conference to unveil a new
>line of clothing and apparel.
>
>The "Providence line" is designed to boost the city's prestige and
>generate money for cultural and educational groups.
>
>"You can wear your pride in the most attractive ways," Cianci told
>reporters crowded in his City Hall office today.
>
>The mayor was flanked by three young women, including two interns from his
>office, modeling a Providence ski hat, a Providence denim shirt, and a
>Providence baseball cap.
>
>There are more than 25 products, embroidered with an image of the downtown
>skyline, and the logo: "Providence -- America's Renaissance City."
>
>The clothing line was the brainchild of the Providence Maritime Heritage
>Foundation. It will share in the proceeds equally with the Fleet Skating
>Center, Providence Place Academy, Providence Tourism Council and the
>Office of Cultural Affairs.


Who said that it couldn't get worse than the mall??? I take particular notice to the Mayor's line "You can wear your pride in the most attractive ways." Wear my pride????? How can I even have pride in a city like this any more, let alone wear it???? Great, the cities "wonderful" skyline will now be a clothing brand. Does any one care that the sky line is made up two bank buildings, and most recently, a bright sign that reads "filine's."
I remind you all of one of the statutes that I was planning to run for mayor on: Providence's skyline should NOT be made up of bank buildings. How can I fix that??? By installing the world's biggest faris wheel. Now, thats a skyline I could be proud of. I would take those giant bank buildings, and turn them into stops for the cross-state monorail (the monorail I want to replace the busses with), and the down town rollar coaster would go all the way to the top of the fleet building, and STRAIGHT DOWN the middle. The rollar coaster would run along side the mono rail, so you would have your choice of how you wanted to get to work: the monorail or the roller coaster. Then, I would kick all the stores out of the mall, and move in. It would be my house. By the way, the rollar coaster would also be the longest rollar coaster ride in history, spanning the entire state, and lasting 2 or 3 hours from start to finnish.
Any hoo, I'm sick of this mayer Cianci once and for all. I wish he would come down to Texas so I could leagally shoot him. Wouldn't that be a breath of fresh air??? But no. Hes scared of me. I do believe that Rhode Island Green Party head Greg Garritt is running in the next election, so vote for him. I have decided not to get a texas ID and become a resident here, just because I want to make sure I can still vote in providence. I love providence, and miss it dearly. But its very hard to get along in a city that oppresses and insults the very people it claims to value most. Providence has a GREAT under ground, but the city won't turn off its bull dozers.

Here is another song I've been working on. This song is a parody of another song, called "Donna, The Primadona" by Dion & The Belmonts. My song is a clever parody, called "Donna, The Primenstral Bitch." It goes like this:

Syndrome, Syndrome, Primenstral Syndrome
Syndrome, Syndrome, Primenstral Syndrome

Well, I got a girl and every month or so
her period starts to flow
and when she gets that blood between her theighs
she stars shootin daggers right out of her eyes

she acts like a gun thats cocked and loaded
complaining how shes so fat and bloated
tellin me i'm so selfish and mean
and then she starts to obcesivly clean

(chorus)

(mid:)
pretty little girl
won't let me have fun
pestering me
bout everything and everyone
pretty little girl
won't give me a chance
and just because
she has bloody underpants

She cries and weeps,
tears galore
she asks me is
I think she looks like a whore
some times I'd rather be with
zha zha gabore
Cause, man I just
cant take it any more

(chorus)

(mid:)
Pretty little girl
drives me up the wall
but i can't resist a woman
thats 7 feet tall
pretty little girl
drives me out of my mind
I'm gonna have to leave you
unless you get your tubes tied

She screams and bitches
and yells galore
net thing you know
shes lying, crying on the floor
she gave me two black eyes
shes like bruce willis but moore
Oh, how I long
for Zha Zha Gabore


You know this song was inspired by real life events??? Maybe a little exagerated... but bad enough!!!
I know that some of you may be saying "What the hell????? You all ready have a song about that subject!" Yes, I know, the song "Carolina" from my first album was on the same topic. But fuck that. I mean, The Beatles had more than one song about loving some girl?? Or more than one songs about drugs, and they are the most popular band in history. Even me, I have more than one song about several subjects. I plan to write 3 more songs about macaroni, and 14 more on this subject.
Number two was that Carolina was a song I wrote to help young girls who are starting peuberty. They are often scared and unsure of them selves, and very self concious. Carolina was a song to tell young girls that they are not alone, that what they are going through is normal, is wonderful, and they should be proud of their changing boddies. This song is a totally different angle, and doesn't look at the subject so posatively. This song is written to comfort all the men who have to put up with it. That they are not alone, and that all guys, with the exception of hoomo sexuals, have to put up with it. I have shined two different lights the subject now, so now every one can understand every one else's perspectives. If you ask me, I am bringing every one back together. This is also how I avoid to many complaints from either side, and really stay quite neutal on the subject, as it both fasinates me and disgusts me at the same time.

The first later this weak is from Carl S. of ____ . __.. ._.. ..___ .

dear lance romance,
you never call and you're a lousy lover. furthermore, you have bad penmanship. give me one good reason why i shouldn't stuff you in a box.
love, carl.

Dear Carl,
I'll give you a reason: shipping costs.
Love,
Lance

The Second letter this week is from Cockmaster J. of Sailing Ships Lost At Sea Forever:

lance-

now, please before anything i say, realize that i am sincerley torn.  but honestly, i am worried about your newest venture in the whore saturated pinko fascist commie scum industry that is song writing.  i see your dilemma of what to do in the food song trilogy and man are my turds green...the pancake song was creative but the macaroni song was PURE GENIUS.  man when i heard that song i was really fucked up but i knew it was good.  even in retrospect of all the times ive blared the lines, "relax guys chef lance is back, and im gonna give you a heart attack" from my car windows i still think that that song is as solid as my rock hard cock.  its utterly insane in creativity and the dynamics of the background vocals, drum machine and lyrics.....all done by you...ONE person.  now you just have to be so prudent in the next song.  artichoke rappin sounds good but you gotta make it super fuckin wikit mad phat dope chilling in the house.  otherwi

ice-T

Dear Javed,
You know, I had a rock hard cock not so long ago. I got rid of it using old fassioned methods.
As for the Chef Lance Trilogy, Artichoke Rappin' has all ready been written. It may be re weritten some times, but will probably stand pretty much as is. I will not tell a lie: There is no way that I can achive what I did with Macaroni, Macaroni. I just can't write songs like that any more, as I am past my prime, and as I venture into the perils of old age, many things are lost: My eye sight, my hearing, my erections, and 2nd to worst of all, my creativity. I'm now just an old, aging legend, fading away...
Love,
Lance

By the way, did I mention my birthday is next week??? Well, it is. Next friday, December 7th, and I'd prefer it if you didn't remind me. Well, maybe a small remind her, like a card, or a phone call. Maybe a gift of some sort, like some records or a corvette. If you want here is where to direct my birthday wishes:

Ben Garber
2800 Rio Grande #4
Austin, TX 78705

Phone: 512-481-9847

Remember: My birthday is next Friday, December 7th. And don't forget that Santa is watching!! Oh, and write some letters into the mailing list, I promise to be nice. I gotta send a shot out to list members Dave M. and Lani R. for obnoxious, yet entertaining to me, responses to their letters a few eeks ago. Sorry, boys.

Any hoo, thats it for this age. I will be dreaming about each and every one of you tonight!!! And all the wonderful gifts I will be getting from you in the mail.

Love,
the hand that rocks the cradle,
Lance Romañce


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