208: An Evening of Teen Poppin'
11/25/01 11:17 PM
Yo. Bitches. Wuzzup. Lance 'Mañce in yo mail box, wit some fresh shit for you to stick up your cunt. Check it out:

First off, I would like to apolagise immaculatly for not sending out my holoween special on thanks giving like I promised. I tried working on it for about an hour, but I just didn't feel I was doing a good enough job. Here is what I had written, though.

Twenty-two weeks ago, I was confronted with an option. I could either get out of the house and have no where to run. Or, I could stay and try to bear through one more night, but I would not have a good sleep. The house was haunted.
I have long wanted a reclusive mansion. It took years of hard work and odd jobs to save enough money to buy one, and have enough money left over to live off of for the next few years. Peace and quiet was what I was after. No body to distract me from my work. Well, I did it, I found one, I bought it, I moved in.
What kind of work do I do??? I am a scientist. I never went to college so I've never been able to get a job in the field that I love. I picked up science as a hobby about 14 years ago. I greatly enjoy preforming experiments. Unfortunatly, my brand of experiments disturbs some in the scientific community. I have been ousted by my peers, and have constantly tormented over what I do.
My most recent experiment has been one of my most exciting. I have found a way to bring dead females back to life. This sounds like an project many would be ecstatic about. What disturbs my peers is the conditions. I can't bring any females back to life. I can only do it with a fresh corpse, one that has died in the past 24 hours. And she has to be a virgin. The only way for me to preform my experiments is to find young girls, and kill them.
There is a catholic girls boarding school about 85 miles away. I have been able to snag 28 girls. Sometimes I grab them at recess when they play hide n seek. Sometimes I sneak in at night and take them right out of bed. Sometimes I hide in ths hower and wait for them there. I am very, very smart. I am smarter than the school's faculty, and much smarter than any of the police and detectives that have tried to solve this case. I have never gotten caught.

I was going to work in to this story that a side effect of bringing these girls back to life was that they craved sex, and would stop at nothing to get it. If you killed them again, they would remain ghosts in the house, still craving sex. Thats why the house was haunted. Eiether that, or you couln't kill them again after you brought them back to life. This actually could turn out to be quite a good movie.

Twenty-two weeks ago, I was confronted with an option. I could either get out of the house and have no where to run. Or, I could stay and try to bear through one more night, but I would not have a good sleep. The house was haunted.
I have long wanted a reclusive mansion. It took years of hard work and odd jobs to save enough money to buy one, and have enough money left over to live off of for the next few years. Peace and quiet was what I was after. No body to distract me from my work. Well, I did it, I found one, I bought it, I moved in.
What kind of work do I do??? I am a scientist. I never went to college so I've never been able to get a job in the field that I love. I picked up science as a hobby about 14 years ago. I greatly enjoy preforming experiments. Unfortunatly, my brand of experiments disturbs some in the scientific community. I have been ousted by my peers, and have constantly tormented over what I do.
My most recent experiment has been one of my most exciting. I have found a way to bring dead females back to life. This sounds like an project many would be ecstatic about. What disturbs my peers is the conditions. I can't bring any females back to life. I can only do it with a fresh corpse, one that has died in the past 24 hours. And she has to be a virgin. The only way for me to preform my experiments is to find young girls, and kill them.
There is a catholic girls boarding school about 85 miles away. I have been able to snag 28 girls. Sometimes I grab them at recess when they play hide n seek. Sometimes I sneak in at night and take them right out of bed. Sometimes I hide in ths hower and wait for them there. I am very, very smart. I am smarter than the school's faculty, and much smarter than any of the police and detectives that have tried to solve this case. I have never gotten caught.

I was going to work in to this story that a side effect of bringing these girls back to life was that they craved sex, and would stop at nothing to get it. If you killed them again, they would remain ghosts in the house, still craving sex. Thats why the house was haunted. Eiether that, or you couln't kill them again after you brought them back to life. This actually could turn out to be quite a good movie.

The first letter this week is from Matt R, of That's My Daughter:

dear lance, billy-bob, debbie gibson, and ben,
i'm writing you from New York City, center for little
red white and blue ribbons. aside from being attacked
by falling buildings, i still think this place is
better than austin and portland combined (yet it comes
nowhere near providence). if the bastards put anthrax
in the water though, i'm coming to austin, so maybe
i'll see you later,
~matt

Dear Matt,
Actually, anthrax mixed with water isn't half bad. In fact, its my very favorite flavor of kool-aid.
I was the causer of a little Anthrax scare my self. I don't know any details, but you know that girl Lelsie F??? I had a picture that was taken of me and her just before I left providence. It was a nice picture, I had my arm around her and was giving the finger. I had double made, and didn't get a chance to give her a copy. So, I wrote her a nice note on the back and mailed it to her. I didn't want the photo to pop out of the envelope while it was in the mail, so I put a little bit of tape on it. So, one day lil' ol' Leslie is walking along, fine and dandy, and goes to check her mail. That's when she discovers an envelope with excessive amounts of tape on it. I don't know the details, but my pal Ben D, Vikki H's boyfriend, says to me "garber, you animal. you scared leslie friedman half to death with your letter. she thought it was anthrax or some shit." Ha! Ha!!! That's a riot, ain't it.
Anyhoo, I'll see you on thursday.
Love,
Lance

The second letter is from Martha P. of Myoh, my:

Dear Ben,
You missed a wonderful orgy at PK's house on friday night. PK had a
halloween party and invited fifty of her closest friends, including ones she
didn't know. They all brought alcohol, and much booze was drunk by all
except martha, who doesn't drink. In spite of a lack of chemical
intoxication, martha later became the mostly-nude center of attention of
approximately five (or maybe eight) strapping young men, some of whom were
also orgiastic amongst themselves. I stayed up past 4am for the first time
since high school!
Let's see how much of that you can believe, sucker!
love, martha

Dear Cornflake,
Thats and well and good. I thought you were in Orlando??? I thought PK was... well, I dunno. I need to get in touch with your brother. Hows the circus?
Love,
Lance

Come on, now. Don't be afraid to reply, everybody. Write right in, write in a letter or two. Today.

Last night I had a dream we had a meeting at work. I was about a half hour late for the meeting for some reason. While I was being late, somebody walked in to the store and murdered EVERY body. When I finely arrived, the door was locked and the lights were out. All the corpses were covered by blankets, except for Albert's head (Albert works there). I started to wonder if this ment the meeting was cancelled, so went next door and asked the lady there if she knew if the meeting had been canceled. That's when she started to cry. I went home.

My Chef Lance series of songs has been wildly successful. The Pancake Song on my first
album, and Macaroni, Macaroni from my second, have long been two of my most poular songs, for some reason.... Even I'll admit, though, the latter one was pretty solid. There is now a lot of pressure on if i want to make it into a trilogy. For a long while now, I've been trying to write the third one, but haven't been doing well at all. First and foremost, is trying to chose the right recepie. I have considered several things: Ice cream, ice cubes, wheat paste, a pinhole camera.... I have been particularly excited with the idea of taking the recepie out The Anarchest Cookbook. I have long been fascinated with the idea of turning a click pen into a bomb... What I could do with one of those.... But I never could get it together. How ever, I have long felt that it might just be Artichokes that would be the most apropriate food to make. What do you think??? Well, I don't care cause I've all ready written it. It's called Artichoke Rappin' and its gonna be a 12-minute Kurtis Blow style thang.
Now, I am not gonna reprint it here. Its too long. But I hope to debut it live some time in the summer. What I am going to do is reprint the essay I wrote on artichokes in 1998 while still in high school:

ARTICHOKES
by ben garber

Artichokes make for intresting conversation. The gig leafy
vegitables are like no other vegitable in existance. There is much
more behind those delicious artichokes than meets the tung. In
this report, I shall proove to you why artichokes should be your
favorite vegitable, not only as food, but as conversation too.
When you go to california, you may want to go to Disneyland or
attend a taping of Jeopardy, or maybe pick up some artichokes.
Why? Because California is the only state in America to
commercialy grow artichokes. California's 8500 acres of artichoke
harvest are responsable for all of the $463 million that artichokes
produce anuely. But where in California would you find all the
acres of artichokes? Well, you can bet you can find 75 percent in
Montery County. You can stop there for the freshest artichoke
selection in the entire country. And while your there, you can pick
up other fine crops too, as artichokes rank only eleventh in this
area for crop value, worth over $35.8 million. Castroville
California is the "artichoke capitol of the world."
You may or may not know that America's official bird is the bald
eagle, or that America's official music is jazz. But did you know
that America's official vegitable is the artichoke? Well, it is, and
there isn't an artichoke farmer out there who will hesitate to tell
you.
Now, I hope you haven't read this far without even knowing what
an artichoke is. Well, if so, I will explain it to you now. The
artichoke is a mediterranian perennial in the thistle group of the
sun flower family. The artichokes that you eat are really just
flower buds. If you allow the artichoke to keep growing, it will
blossom into a beutiful violet flower. The plant can grow to be up
to six feet in diameter and up to four feet high, and ends up looking
kind of like a fern. The flower itself can have a diameter of about
seven inches.
Artichoke fields are used in a rotating cycle. This means that a
field grows artichokes for five to ten years, then they switch to a
different field for a few years and let the other field rejuvinate.
Artichokes are grown year round, with the harvest peaking from
march through may and again in October. And harvesting the
artichokes is not easy work. You ever go by a farm and see the
farmers using tractors or plows or some sort of machine? Well,
you won't see that at an artichoke farm, all artichokes are hand
harvessed. In fact, 40 to 60 percent of the costs incorperated into
the cost of an artichoke are for the labor. But all the work pays off,
as most artichokes are sold fresh. Only a quarter of the artichokes
are ever canned or frozen. The small market for frozen artichoke is
natural, though. Artichokes hate frost. Frost can kill an artichoke,
as can too much heat.
So you have an artichoke. What do you do with it now? Well, just
pop it in the pressure cooker, melt some butter, and prepare for the
meal of a lifetime. Pick the leaves one by one, dip each in a pool of
melted butter. Stick the bottom end in your mouth, then pull it out,
scraping off the taste and delicious and now-buttery flavor off with
your teeth. Mmm-mm-good. Done with the leaves? Well, take a
knife and cut below the hair, and behold the heart of the artichoke.
Dip the artichoke heart in the butter, covering it completely. Then,
nibble slowly until it is all done. Delicious! And healthy too! A
12-ounce artichoke is fat free! Fat free doesn't cut it for you? Well,
artichokes are also low in sodium, are plentiful of vitiman C,
potassium and folate, and are only 25 callories. How often do you
find something so delcious that is also so healthy? Its no wonder
that artichokes are amazing.
So as you can see, artichokes are very unique. Next time you are
sitting at a table with nothing to eat, or on the phone with nothing
to talk about, remember artichokes: they are healthy, delicious and
intresting. So help spread the good word and tell your friends
about artichokes. Have an artichoke today! Or tonite!

Ant hoo, thats it for now. Happy days to all of you!

Love,
The Corpse In Your Bath Tub,
Lance Romañce


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