207: Boogers: :sregooB
11:19:01 9\29Nite
Hi, everybody. Its Lance again. Guess what I'm doing. That's right, I'm trying to think of a good intro, but I'm not having much luck. Ah, fuck it. I'll just write you all a letter.

This issue is dedicated to my good friend and pal, list member Nate Davis. Nate was born on October 13th, 1982 in Providence, RI. He grew up in a pink house on Sheldon street. He went to school at the Wheeler School. When he started, he had long hair. He joined my very popular band: federal roosters. I played the drums, nate played rhythem guitar. There were also about 10 other members. Nate wears glasses and stutters some times. He dresses like hes in run-dmc before they could afford jewlery. He works at Geoff's Sandwhiches when hes in providence. He has shorter hair than he did back in the day. He plays lots of instruments.
When I was moving from my parents house to my appartment on Angell st, I asked Nate to help me move cause his family has a van. I asked Nate in plenty of time to make arrangments. And i reminded him the day before, the day before that, and even the day before that. Then I called him up when I was ready to move, and he said he couldn't cause his prom was that night. This made me mad. Its not like he didn't know it before. I wish he had told me sooner that he couldn't help me move that day. It made me frustrated.
Nate graduated high school in the year 2000. He now goes to college in New York City. The kid from 3rd Rock From the Sun goes to school with him. His room mate's name is Steve. I visited Nate last spring, when I was traveling. Nate was out, but Steve was home. He let me in, so I gave him a cigar. Nate has a ring that he wears. He wears it so that if he ever gets stuck some where, he can sell it.
I am telling you all about Nate cause he's a nice fellow. The kind of fellow we can all be thankful to know this thanks giving.

Another thing to be thankful for this thanksgiving is my birthday. I will be a whopping 22 on December 7th, 1979. I am scared, so give me gifts to comfort me. Send cards, gifts, letters, and everything else to:

Ben Garber
2800 Rio Grande #4
Austin, TX 78705

Once again, the Lance Romañce Happy Birthday Hotline is opening for business. Call, leave a message. DID YOU KNOW: I have a new answering machine message. The classic one that I recorded in 1994 was accidently lost. It will return once I locate the back up copy, which I have on tape in my parents house. So for now, hear new message while it lasts. Those of you who don't acknowlege my birthday will not be getting anything for christmas.
This age thing isn't doing me well. I think I'm in for a heart attack any day now, or something. My diet current consists all most entirely of the following: mashed potatos. I by the instant mashed potato mix at the store and have about 3 or 4 servings a day sometimes.
I used to eat cerial but I ran out. I get mashed poatao mix a lot cause its real cheap. I'm really getting sick of them though. And honestly, I don't think I have enough blood any more. I feel like i do right after I've given blood, which I haven't done in months, and i usually don't feel this crappy. I think its probably cause of my poor diet. But my poor diet comes from my poor pay check. Oh, man..... What I wouldn't do for a nice big ham... Well, we'll see. I am staying right here in Austin for thanks giving. I guess listmember Javed M, who is also from Providence, is staying here as well. His brother is coming down, so thanks giving this year will be Me, Javed and his brother. A far cry from Nana and Papa. Its just as well, Nana always made a shitty turkey. And the rest of my family are yuppies who can't have thanks giving dinner with out cell phones and palm pilots. And they aren't even "on the cutting edge" yuppies, they are just following the lead of other yuppies. I hope that Javed and his brother will keep their palm pilots below the table. Anyhoo, the point is that your gifts are particularly appreciated this year, because knowing my diet, it could be my last one not in a wheel chair.

I am going to take a break and have some mashed potatos.

Mmmm.... i think i am going to switch to margerine. or something. I can't handle any more butter. You know, this past thursday, it rained for the first time in maybe 6 weeks or so. Let me tell you about the rain. It was falling at a rate of 2 inches per hour, and there was thunder lightning with in the mile. It caused lots of flash flooding, and some naborhoods were even evacuated. Lots of people lost electricity, school got cancelled, and lots of people lost electricity. Have you ever herd of such a thing?? From a little ol' rain?? Lots of store and businesses closed early, and in some places, water coming up to my knees. What excited me, though, were there was a couple of tornados too. You know, it was on the news and everything!!! Let me tell you, though, it was all a load of crap. It was nothing witha thunder storm with a lot of rain. I have been in worse storms many times, and never had results like this. First off, I've never been scared of the rain. In fact, I love the rain, and went for a nice walk. Number two, the only reason the rain resulted in all these things is because of poor city planning. Who ever designed this city did a shity job. Apart from them never thinking the wether would change, the streets are numbered all funny, and end in strange places. Its all very peculier. Its so funny watching everyone scramble around cause they are scared of the rain. I'm glad I was raised up north where we know how to deal with the occasional shower. You would think that since this state came a little bit later, they would have just all sorts of modern design things that they didn't have when they were planning my origional part of the country. Sometimes I just don't understand this place.


The first letter is from some guy named Doug:

I have had tendonitus flair up under my knee for several years, and now I'd
had it for a year and it doesn't seem to want to go away. I use RICE, and
have laid off it for alomost a year, I use a tendon strap under my knee if I
work out, I don't bike or run anymore, weights going up, I do cross friction
massage, and ice tons, and am my wits end. Any suggestions you may have
would be greatly appreciated. I heard the in Canada they are doing something
new for tendonitus that pro athletes are flocking to Canada for the
treatment. Any comment on that?? I used to be a pro adventure racer and
have had to sit out for over a year now, please help if you can as its
killing me mentally to sit on the sidelines.

Thanks for the help.

Cheers,

Earring Doug

Dear Doug,
Well, first off anything that gets all the pro athletes out of here is wonderful. Anyhoo, I don't much know about tendonius. Its just part of my email address cause I like to make fun of cripples.
Love,
Lance

The second letter is from Adam Y. of Whoompthereit, Is:

jon snow put me on this list many a moon ago... and i don't regret it.
not that i read any of what you write... its just good because when people
watch me check my mail, it looks like i have friends... thanks lance.

-adam

Dear Adam,
I appreciate your honesty. You know, so many of the people who write me letters are full of crap. I wish more people were like you. Cheers!
Love,
Lance

Garfield has one, Charlie Brown has one, and now Lance Romañce has one!! His very own Holloween Special!!!! Check your email this thanks giving for a special story for your family to read and enjoy!!! I hope i can get a half-decent story of some sort togethr by then, but if not, who cares....

Oh, on the song writing tip This week I have a new song to presnt to you. This song is a response song I wrote about a year and a half ago. Its in response to the song "I Shot The Sheriff." Its called called "(Don't Worry) I Shot The Depuity."
I did some research by listening to the origional recording, and found that it was a song protesting injustice. He is being accused of killing the deputy, but he did not. Well, I changed it, so the song is now a bout a bank robbery. Here it is:

I SHOT the deputy
You shot the sheriff and you ran
you shot at the deputy
but you didn't even give him a tan
you ran off so quick
you are a very cowardly man
i shot the deputy
you can't shoot well but I can

we had such a great plan
nothing could go bad
how were we to know
the sheriff came to cash a check he had
you got so scared
you got so so scared
you shot the sheriff and you ran fast
you left the deputy standing
and tellers who saw it all

I shot the deputy
and I shot all the bankers too
i'm very rich now
and it is no thanks to you
i shot the deputy
no living person saw us do wrong
lets get out of town now
or they might catch us before long

you shot the sheriff
and i shot the deputy
now lets go to the air lift
we will fly far away so rich and free


And thats that song. See, even if I don't do that song anything like the origional, its still great. Thats a great song right there, no matter how you look at it. I wish I could still write like that. Its a real shame, isn't it??? Just 22 and all ready past my prime, looking in the eyes of heart faliure. Man i need some sore of nutricious food. I really don't think I'll last another week with this diet. What is the best possible food i could eat lots and lots of to make me get better???? I really don't know crap about nutricion.

Any hoo, until thanks giving, gobble gobble gobble. You know what else I need to do??? Anyhoo, good night and have a wonderful ride to grandmas.

Love,
ummm..... uhhh.....,
Lance Romañce


Thank you for reading this issue of tha Lance Romañce Mailing List. To subscribe, send an email to tendonitus@giantrats.com with the word "Subside" in the subject. For back issues, and just more entertainment, visit www.GiantRats.com.
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