206: Pet Sounds
11:5:01 4\46Nite
Oh, man. My birthday is nearing again. Just two days now, and it will be one more month. My birthday will fall on the first friday of december. I'm not sure what the date is, but the weather man says it will snow on that day. I sure hope my birthday is more beutiful than the snow globe I got when I was a kid. The last thing I want is another ugly birthday.

Its not snowing now, I'll tell you that. Texas's november weather has been exceeding 70 degrees on a daily basis. You know, you are all morons. Fuck you all. A lot of the people reading this mailing list right now are pathetic. In fact, ALL of you are pathetic. I'm not here for your personal amusment. You are all bugging me.

Anyhoo, as usual, the Lance Romañce Happy Birthday Hotline will be opening soon. Not yet, because my birthday isn't for another month. But in the mean time, you can go looking for gifts for me. As usual, I always like to get records, and this year am hoping for a Betty Boop Shower Curtain. I am also in the mood for video games, I'd like an Atari 2600 with lots of games, and an origional Sega Genesis with the game "Michael Jackson's Moonwalker." If you want to buy me clothes, my waste is a 34 to 35, and my shoe size can be 11 or 12. I am also hoping for a ukele, bras and panties. You can get started on making me cards now. I will print my address when its closer to my birthday, but its a good time to start looking, ass holes.

The first letter this week is from Dave M. of Sigorny, Weaver:


I'm currently in India and I must say that your emails pleasantly remind me of the qualities, good and bad, of the US. Thank you. I hope you enjoy Texas, my girlfriend's brother lives there, maybe he'd show you around. Then again, maybe you don't want to be shown around... Who knows.

Thanks for being a modern straggler. Kerouac, whether you like him or not, would be strangely proud.


Dear Dave,
I am glad you are in India. You are ugly and I hope that you get eaten by tigers.

The second letter is from Lani R. Bombay, Indiana:

dear ben-
as always it is a pleasure to hear from you. i did not like your stupid bear
story. i'd rather hear about your adventures and travels. congrats on
getting a job at a toy store. be sure to check out some good toys for me. you
should send me some fun things i can use in my classroom. or not.
well, i would love to attend your baby shower, but i cant.
have fun,

Dear Lani,
What the hell do you mean you didn't like my story???? You just have no taste. Go back to reading your lesbian stories. My adventures are for my entertainment, not yours. Wy don't you go to india and get eaten by tigers with Dave.

Thats it for this week.

No body that matters,
Lance Romañce

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