205: Hula Girls
10:29:01 5\13Nite
Hi everybody. Guess where I am!!! I'm in Texas. I moved to texas, believe it or not. I am now a Texan and live in Texas.

Well, lets start off this week with a story.

Fluffy the Bear was eating lunch one day on a picnic bench out side his home. He was having a gigantic bowl of sour cream and onions, when a long came a lady bear. Lady Bear was beutiful, and Fluffy asked her out on a date. She said yes so Fluffy and Lady bear went to the movies. They saw The Bicycle Thief. It was a very funny movie, they laughed and laughed. Fluffy walked Lady bear home after the movie. When they got to her door, he gave her a kiss and said he would call her the next day.
Cock-a-doodle-doo!!!! The next day came and first thing Fluffy did was call up Lady Bear. Lady Bear's mom answered the phone, and said she had been kid napped. Oh oh!!! Doesn't that just figure??? Fluffy finely falls in love and she gets kidnapped the very next day. Well, fluffy wouldn't stand for it. He rushed right over to her house and started looking for clues. He didn't find anything unusual. He asked Lady Bear's mom lots and lots of questions. Too many questions for me to through right now. But it doesn't matter anyways, be cause she wasn't any help. Lady Bear's mom is fat and stupid. Fluffy decided to go in to town and see if any body saw anything. On his way out the door though, he found a red bow tie on the ground. Hmmmm...... He put it in his pocket.
Fluffy went to town. First he went to the grocery store. He needed to get some eggs. Then he went to the police department, and ate the police. Then he went to the school house and ate the children. The children started screaming, and tried to run a way but he ate all of them. The teacher got away though. She ran to the police station as fast as she could only to find the police had all been eaten. She took a gun from a fallen holster, and went back to the school house. By this time, fluffy had eaten all the children, but the teacher wanted to get revenge. She started shooting at Fluffy. What she didn't count on though was that Fluffy had a gun too, and he started shooting back. It didn't take long before they both ran out of bullets, niether of them wounded. You would think that at thiss point, they would duke it out. But they didn't. They were going to, but then fluffy noticed how beutiful the teacher was and asked her out on a date.
The teacher went home and freshened up, while Fluffy went and got her chocolates and flowers. They had dinner at the fanciest resteraunt in town, and went to the movies. They saw another italian movie, I forget what it was called. After the movie, Fluffy walked the teacher home. When they got to her house, Fluffy bent down on his knee, gave her a ring, and asked her to marry him. Fluffy was in love again, and he wasn't going to lose her again this time.

Do you like it??? I JUST wrote it, just for you.

The first letter this week is from Julie F. of Corno, IL:

Hello Benjamin. I just finished reading your latest mailing and noticed
that you forgot to even mention a very important news event. Today, that's
right, this day, October 13th, is my birthday. Not only is it my birthday,
it is a very special birthday because I have finally turned 18. Now how
about that. I'm planning on celebrating by buying as many tobacco products
as possible, then renting some porn and having sex with multiple guys over
the age of 30, just because I can. As you can see, I'm very excited about
this milestone as I am now a true woman. What would make me even happier is
a very special birthday greeting from the one and only Lance Romance (even
if it's a little belated). I hope that you are well, and I hope that my
presents are on their way.
Love, Julie

Dear Julie,
The reason I did not mention your birthday isn't because I forgot, its because I refuse. In my heart, you will always be little Julie Fritz, the girl who I used to watch over while she played in the snow, waiting for her parentto pick her up. This is the Julie I love, not the pot smoking, porn making adultress you have become. Thats why I'm not dedicating the entire issue to you like I used to. In my heart, you will always be a little girl.

PS. I'm almost 30!!!!!

The second letter is from Jenny M. of Satinshee, TS:

Hello Ben how are you doing? I am very glad to hear from you I am sure you wont be surprided to hear that I have recieved your things from Florida and will be sending them along soon, anyways I have great story for you. I met this new guy the name will probably make you laugh Haywood there some jokes inthere any way. I was dating him casually as you may or may not know I am celebrating celebacy now and so the intimate part of the relation ship never got off the ground. well one night he and one of my slut bitch former friends went to the club together, and I stayed in her house to watch the kid, well they came in durring the night and started to go at it in the kitchen which is right next to the living room where I was sleeping, needless to say I heard them I got up and looked in to the kitchen and woa I don't want to repeat what I saw but it was nothing pretty and the great part was that they had no idea that I saw anything and really treid to act surprised and shocked when confront

P.S. they totally riped your apartment apart and the landlord suddenly had the money for an entirly new kitchen what a jerk

Dear Jenny,
Did you take pictures???? Oh, she has a kid??? Was it Michelle??? Blech!!! You can keep your pictures. You know, I had a similer experience, when my friend Bruno B. went out with a girl I liked. And he knew I really liked her. He says he didn't know, but that was a load of crap. Me and Bruno had a big fight and we don't speak to one another any more. And by the way, i STILL haven't received my things, when will you be sending them???

PS. Yeah... Jewish Landlords.....

So I guess the big news in town is that I have gotten my self a job. I work at a small toy store just around the corner from me. It is nice. I am just hired as temporary holiday help, so I will have to wait and see how long it will last.

For all of you that will be in Austin this saturday, come to my baby shower. I am going to hold a baby shower this coming saturday, it will start at 4:30pm. It is pot luck, so bring some food. Also, bring some baby gifts. There will also be a baby making session, so come prepared. Be there are be left out of my will.

You know, a few years ago, I used to give up the spot light once in a while, and print others people work in my mailing list. Essays, personal profiles, drawings... What ever it was. There was a short time when I had an "anti-lance section" that some bitch girl wrote. If you have anything you have done, maybe you have a report youve done at school that your proud of, or maybe you want me to cratique it. Maybe you have security reports from work. What ever it is, send it to me, and maybe I will think about putting it in a future mailing.

I know most of you won't care about this, cause you don't know who she is. But I met a big star on thursday night. A very, very big star. How big??? Well, she dated Elvis at one point. And wether or not your a star to begin with, when you date Elvis, you become a big star. But this girl, Wanda Jackson is her name, had a career of her own. She was pretty big in the 1950s, and still often considered to be the official Queen of Rockabilly. She is a very big deal. Any one with familiar with classic rockabilly or even just music of the 1950s would be very excited. Its funny how people can be such gigantic stars at one point, and then be virtually unknown, Harry Belafonte and Parez Prado were much bigger stars, but are now practically forgotten. Its really a shame. Well, any hoo, I went to see Wanda Jackson this past weekend. It was her 64th birthday. The show itself was ok... She preformed even though she had a bit of larengitus. Despite that, she still sounded quite a bit like she did 47 years ago. When I saw Wayne Newton, he had a bit of larengitus too, but hes not as good of a preformer. She had Rosie Flores on guitar which excited me too, cause i like her a lot too, but what really excitedme was after the concert. I went up to Wanda Jackson and introduced myself. She signed an 8x10 photo for me!!!! Her autograph now hangs on my wall and reads "Hi Ben. Let's Rock! Wanda Jackson '01" Isn't that awsome. I had a camera with me, and asked her if I could get a picture of me and her together, and she said yes. I told her that this was far more exciting than the time I met Little Richard, which she got a good kick out of. And when it came to be picture time, she got up, despite the fact her back wasnt doing to well that day, put her arm around me, and stood so close to me i could feel her busom, the very same busom Elvis used to feel. I felt like the king!!!! That was a very exciting moment. Her husband took the picture, he was nice too. He then took a second one for me, just in case. I then told her thank you very much, and as she left, she slid her hand down my arm and squeesed me twice on my elbow!!! I almost melted. I think me and her got a long just fine and dandy. I taped the show, and saw heer again when she played the next night. What a gal!!!!

That's it for this week. I'll see you tomarrow, every body. Hugs and kisses. Keep writing me letters, and coing to my baby shower, and tell more people to subscribe. Until next time, see ya later.

Louise D. is a whore and fat and ugly,
Lance Romañce

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