204: Texan Imigrants and Hussies
10:12:01 2\22Nite
Au, austin. Here it lies, in the middle of texas. Au, Texas, the lone star state. And its my new home. I'm a texas, through and through and through. And what are you these days??? A new yorker? A presbaterian???? A noodle chef??? It doesn't really matter what you are, cause I'm a texan, and nothing beats that. Texas rules. yeah! Hook em horns!!!

I just trimmed my mustache a little bit. Thats right, a little bit. A little bit too much. Damn it. Now its too short. I'm thinking about getting a weave.

The first letter this week is from Lani R. of Corn'do, GS:

hey ben-
i'm so happy to finally hear from you! i was a bit worried...
yeah, i've heard great things about austin, it totally suits you. sounds like
quite an adventure!
you do know what happened here right? its been so horrible, i cant even
explain. and i'm too hungry and tired right now to go into it. but i'm so
glad your happy and found a great place.
keep in touch...
Lani

Dear Lady,
Worried about what???? What could have possibly happoned to me??? I actually tried calling you twice but the phone told me all circuts were busy. I guess that means you were on the internet.
Love,
Mr. Garber

The second letter this week is from Scott A. of Mery Christmas, Baby:

Ben Garber? whos that? why you harrasing me with your nonsense spam mail!
hm just kidding.
hows it doing?
i cant think of anything clever to say.
im gladto hear from you. i miss you.
this is scott alario bytheway. from benandjerrys. which just so you know has
certainly gone to hell. i went in tehre and jeffB says "scott you sohuldnt
have quit, its soo great now" the next day i talks to owen and owen says
"scott, bjs sucks my nuts, jeff b is a tool, this place is going down hill"
and surely it has. me and my pop were there tonight and it was EMPTY, and
some obnoxious pretentious pimply chubby blonde girls were trying to work.
hah..
oh wel.
I guess I miss having money.
I want to go to Austin. how'd you get there from oregon? i always knew you
were going back to texas.
my cousin lives in hustin. maybe thats close by and we can have ribs. but
i'll have those vegetarian ribs made out of tree roots.
bye ben

Dear Scott,
That wouldn't work out very well, because Austin and Houstin are enemies. But ribs sure do sound nice. Oh, your a vegitarian???? Grrrrr.... A good friend of mine just informed me that she has become a vegitarian now, out of now where!!! That really pisses me off, i feel like I've lost a close friend. I mean, how do we go out for burgers now??? How do we go out for $40 steaks?? I really hate that. Vegitarianism is a tool of the devil.
Ben and jerries is the same way. I can't believe that shit is considered ice cream. That is the worst excuse for ice cream in the world. Everytime I have had ice cream since quitting that place, I am reminded how good ice cream really is and how little ben & jerry's represents real ice cream. Remember how Joe, the former owner, used to try to tell us why Ben & Jerry's ice cream was better. "Well, actually," he would say, "home made ice cream isn't as good because there are imperfections and air bubbles. When you use machines to make ice cream, you get more of a consitancy, you don't get as much air, and its better ice cream ov er all." Or something to that effect. But, i mean, the guy was lactose intolerant. He'd never had ice cream in his life. Who the hell is he to say what ice cream is better??? That brain washed little mother fucker. I never understood why he owned an Ice Cream shop.
Anyhoo, my long distance company gives me a coupon every month for a free pint of Ben & Jerries. How ever, I reeally do not want any of their ice cream, and would rather pay for quality ice cream than get free crap, you know what I mean???
Love,
Lance Romertos

Who knows how long it will be until I leave. This is a nice town and all. I like it here. There was a big huge record convention last weekend. Yeah, that record convention is really something. I got a bunch of records I was looking for, I am super excited. I went twice, the second time was about an hour before it was over, and i got half off most of the stuff I bought. Some times more!!! For example, I wanted the Bobby Darin Twist record real bad. I love his stuff before Mack The Knife. Splish Splash, all that. Any hoo, its a rare record and some what hard to find. I've seen twice before, and it always costs about 30 bucks. I got it for 9!!!!!! Or Screamin Jay Hawkins, what a deal on that one. Have you ever tried getting any of his records???? I have never seen one go for under 40. And thats how much it was marked at the show, but because it was the end of the show, i got 50% off, at 20 bucks. What a mother fuckin steal!!!!! I am broke now of course. I better get a job soon too, because this record convention is bi-annuel, and there will be another one in the spring. Since I arrived in Portland, one month ago last Tuesday, since then, I have aquired 56 new record albums, plus two 45s. I am really, really, really, really addicted to that shit. Its really a problem. And I don't even have a turn table here in austin yet!!! That is still gwtting sent down to me. Waitings gonna drive my nuts off. I have been collecting records since 1993, when I really wanted some remixes of a song by En Vogue, and they were only available on 12". You can imagine how big my collection is back home right now.

This past week, i got pretty sick. Really bad, I think I had anthrax. I couldn't even stand up very well, and oh man, did I feel horrible. That's another thing, why is every body so against Anthrax these days?? Anthrax isn't bad at all. I mean, remember that song they did with Public Enemy??? And they covered a beastie boys song on the bevis and butt head experience album. And remember when they were on that episode of Married... With Children? I mean, those guys were actually pretty cool. I am totally pro anthrax, I don't see any reason to be afraid of them. I don't believe these rumors about them killing tabloid employees. They were to cool for that, in fact, i bet the liked tabloids.

I am still job hunting, bitch face. I have turned in I believe 7 applications or so, and gotten turnned down for all but one, and that one is because I haven't herd back from them yet. One place decided not to hire ANY body for two of the positions I applied for. I have two more applications here right now, that I still have to complete and turn in. You know, some people might say its bad luck that i still haven't found a job yet, but I am actually pleased in some ways. I mean, I'm not pleased that I haven't foujnd a job, but I am quite pleased that there have been so many jobs to even apply for. In providence, I could go weeks before finding a place that was even accepting applications, and that was durring the "potent econamy" of the day. Here we are now, in a recession, and there are still enough jobs open that i find a new one almost every day, so I am all set to keep applying. For that reason, I'm not too worried. Itws when there are no jobs left to even apply for that I really start to worry.

Anyhoo, that's all I have to say. If you want to know any thing else, well fuck you, cause I'm not talkin. Torture me all you want, you'll never get a word out of me, you honkey fucker. See you next week, Gurtude!!

Love,
Osama Bin Laden's Coiffure,
Abdujandkslsd-ji Hodlkiegao Huiwols-Lioñce


Thank you for reading this issue of tha Lance Romañce Mailing List. To subscribe, send an email to tendonitus@giantrats.com with the word "Subside" in the subject. For back issues, and just more entertainment, visit www.GiantRats.com.
---------------------------------------------
comercial use or mass emails using the names and/or email addresses of subscribers to this mailing list is strictly forbidden
---------------------------------------------
©2001 Lance Romañce All Rights Reserved
this mailing is anti-dave mathews
email: tendonitus@giantrats.com
website: http://www.giantrats.com