200: My Very Own Bicentenial
5:26:01 1\29Nite
Well, its her, Ladies & Gentalmen. My Bicentenial: The 200th issue of the Lance Romañce Mailing List. Not only that, but today, Saturay, May 26th, marks exactly 4 years since i sent out the very first mnailing list, 4 years ago today, and 200 issues ago.

I hate the phone company. They think they can charge me anything they want, do anything they want to me, and I will always pay their price, simply because I need a phone. Well, I have decided that I do NOT need a phone, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let some stupid phone company that I donb't even like take all my money. So I am going to cancel my phone next week. Of course, no phone service means no internet, which means that my mailing list will be a lot harder to send out. So, it is likely this mailing list, after 200 strong issues, will suffer a hiatus of some sort. I may still post an ocasional mailing list on the web site every so often, but mailing it out to every one might prove a little more challenging. But we'll have to see. Any hoo, if you would like toi keep correspondence with me, here is how:

Lance Romañce
PO Box 2306
Providence, RI 02906

I hate magazines and TV Shows when they just show clips of earlier episodes. I Hate it so much that I usually change the station, or burn the magazine. Well, none the less, for one reason or another, I decided to do a retrospective, and re-publish some of my favorite moments from the past 200 issues.

My hate for Dave Mathews is well known to any one who reads this list. I first heard Dace Mathews when he was up and coming, after onlt releasing one album, and I didn't like him much. I was 16 when his 2nd album came out, and I didn't like that album either. I didn't like it even one ounce, which is why its popularity has always confused me. I have found no redeeming qualaties in his music, or in his personality, and i cirtenly can't stand his voice, and particularly hate surrounding hype. I hate Dave Mathews to a point that I consider him my sworn enemy, and when I meet some body who likes Dave Mathews, I honestly and whole heartedly lose repect for that person.
Through out my mailing list's 4 year history, I have long attacked Dave Mathews. I present to you now a look back mt anti-Dave Mathews writings.

The first tracable account was in issue 21. sent way back in Augyst of 1997, when list member Dave M. wrote in a letter declaring what he thought were the best recordings of the 1990's up to that date. Here is what Dave wrote, followed by the simple, but straightforward and effective response that I responded with.

>>10)DMB- I can't think of a specific one, but they're great.
>
>i HATE dave mathews band.

One of my all time favorite DMB attacks was on a friend of mine, who happoned to be a list member, after he attended a DMB concert, in #122:

>I would like to spit at listmember Matt R. because he bought tickets to
>see the Dave Mathews Band. This is of corse a major rule broken, as Dave
>Mathews is not permitted. They are trying to stop cigarette smoking and
>cancer and all that, but Dave Mathews is the real disease, far more
>dangerous and costly. Matt R, i dispise your evil ways, giving your money
>to the enemy. If you even mention Blues traveler your gonna be killed.

Another great moment came in issue 130, while planning for my 19th birthday. Here is an excerpt:

>Ok, well, my birthday party this year will be the best one yet. On Monday
>December 7th, my 19th birthday, Dave Mathews is playing i believe at the
>Worcester Centrum in Worcester, Mass. We are gonna go and protest!!! We
>are going to demand that DMB be destoyed and we are gonna stand outs side
>protest and picket and encourage people to boycott DMB because he sucks so
>much and hes an ass hole and a moron.

Unfortunately, Dick pussied out and that never happoned.

As an added bonus for my Bicentenial, here is a brand new DMB excerpt, from issue number 200:

Ah, scooping ice cream. Its a tough job, but some one has got to do it. Every one needs ice cream, after all. Even big fat morons who like Dave Mathews. The other day, some looser came in looking for ice cream, and he was wearing a shirt that said "DMB" in big letters on it. He stood in line, and I prayed and prayed that I wouldn't have to wait on him. But you know how it goes. I had the bad luck of having to wait on the shit head. So I took his order, took his money, and was short and kurt with him. I ddidn't even wish him a nice day as i normally do. I am normally very nice, but I just couldn't deal with someone wearing a shirt that said DMB on it, particularly when it said DMB in such big and obvious letters. I mean, if it just said dmb in small letters over the brest, at least hes being descreet, but no, he had to show it off best he could. What a loser. Well, I took care of him, and got rid of him, but after words, I felt very dirty inside. I felt tremendous guilt, as i had done something I had strong moral objections to. I still feel dirty inside, and I have washed myself very carefully several times since. I've urinated, excramented and ejaculated but the dirty is still there. I'd go to church to clean my soul, but I prayed that I wouldn't have to deal with this guy in the first place, which caused me to lose faith. All I can really do is hope that kid never comes again.
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Here are some of my favorite pieces. The first of which, my interview with OJ Simpson, has some extra dialog included.
-----
OJ SIMPSON: THE LANCE ROMAÑCE INTERVIEW
I'll bet that the question on all your minds is "What's OJ Simpson up to these days?" Well, I have had the honer of interviewing OJ Simpson recently, so I now present to you, in
full, the interview I did with OJ Simpson.

Lance Romañce: What was it like working with Leslie Nielson on the Naked Gun series?
OJ Simpson: It was a lot of fun. Leslie is a good guy. When we started doing the Naked Gun, I was kind of nervous; I would frequently stutter, shake, and forget my lines. Leslie was very supportive and helpped me over come my camera fright. He took time out of his schedual to help coach me, and by doing so he imediately became a mentor to me, as well as a life long friend.
LR: That answer makes you sound like a girl.
OJ: Takes one to know one.
LR: What are you up to these days?
OJ: I have been very busy. I am now working for NBC, I am one of the writers for Fraisure. I am also trying to take care of the kids, which is hard because I'm a single dad now, you know. Leslie Nielson has been helping me out a lot with them, he takes care of them a lot, hes kind of become their 2nd father. But every time i get a spare moment, I try to spend it with the kids. If i don't spend it with the kids, I try to spend it playing golf, which I really like.
LR: I'll bet.
OJ: Yeah.
LR: I have herd a rumor that a 4th Naked Gun is in the works. Is there any truth to this rumor?
OJ: Not at all. The idea came up not long after the release of the Naked Gun 33 1/3. Leslie, George Kennedy, Priscilla Presley and myself all aggreed eagerly but Weird Al wanted too much money. We couldn't do another Naked Gun with out Al so the project was nixed.
LR: Do you have any plans to bring your wife back to life?
OJ: No need, Lance. She's still alive. She's still alive inside me.
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REASONS PILLOWS ARE GOOD:
-they are comfy
-they smell nice
-they provide oxygen
-they are edible
-they dont catch on fire
-they dont throw up too much
-they are made in france
-they help old people
-they prop your head
-they like Elvis
-they look like Emmanuel (listmember)
-they arent to heavy
-they make good book marks
-they like to lick your face in the morning
-they are air conditioned
-they were invented by a pilgrum
-they come with a free gift

BAD THINGS ABOUT PILLOWS:
-they are too watery
-they dont sell them at the post office
-Elvis didn't like them
-they are bad sexual partners
-they don't tell you they love you
-they wet the bed
---------
REASONS PILLOWS ARE GOOD:
-they are comfy
-they smell nice
-they provide oxygen
-they are edible
-they dont catch on fire
-they dont throw up too much
-they are made in france
-they help old people
-they prop your head
-they like Elvis
-they look like Emmanuel (listmember)
-they arent to heavy
-they make good book marks
-they like to lick your face in the morning
-they are air conditioned
-they were invented by a pilgrum
-they come with a free gift

BAD THINGS ABOUT PILLOWS:
-they are too watery
-they dont sell them at the post office
-Elvis didn't like them
-they are bad sexual partners
-they don't tell you they love you
-they wet the bed
---------
The Jerry issues in the fall of 1998 were some of my most engaging. One day, former list member Jerry St. J, an extrordinarily egotistical ass hole, decided to mail a letter to all the people on my mailing list asking them to send him stuff. I responded to his misuse of my mailing list by dedicating the next 4 issues to giving Jerry all hell. Its hard to understand the extent to which this Jerry guy is such an asshole, but many aggree that he was very well deserving of this bashing. The Jerry issues sparked more letters, was forwarded to more people, and convinced more people to subscribe to my mailing list than any other single mailing list I have done before or since. And, 98% of those letters coming in were accounts of Jerry being an ass hole, or people just saying "right on" after their own experiences with this guy. A few people thought my 4 issues were just too harsh how ever, even for Jerry. I stood by, how ever and said that all though it was too harsh, it was far time somebody did something too harsh to jerry or he would never learn. It would be too harshg if I was tearing a part a looser, or someone who had just said something I didn't like, but the word ass hole doesn't begin to describe Jerry. Those few people wgho defended him a little have mostly changed their minds since then.
Jerry thretened to sue me for slander and libel after that issue. He seriously did try, though I guess friends of mine were able to talk him out of it. The thing was that slander would mean that what I said was untrue. Unfortunately for Jerry, everything I said WAS true, and there for not slanderous. I removed Jerry from the mailing list myself.

Here is one of my favorite exerpts from that issue:

Jerry, i know how you are. You just as heartless a corperation as mcdonalds or microsoft. I know as well as you do that if some one wants to stay with you, you will want some thing in return. Saying you would compensate for people to send you stuff is bull shit too, and you know that. Jerry, remember the time i really need a ride and you refused to give me one unless i paid you????? Remember the timeS you tried to guilt me into thinking that you had done me a favor by giving me a ride and tried to get me to do something for you??? And you do this to every body. But you cant guilt me jerry, cause i did pay you for that ride, and it was no incoinveniance to you and gas didnt cost nerely as much as you charged me. But you knew i was desperate and you took advantage of me, and then tried to convince me that it was a favor and that i should return it. You know what though???? When i was really hubngry and i stopped at mcdonalds and asked for some fries and they made me pay, they never said "we did you a favor cause you were starving and we gave you food, so maybe you could help us out by wearing a mcdonalds shirt." Thats because your worse than mcdonalds, jerry. Classical must be a far more joyus place this year.
------
Inspired by MTV's "The Real World," I decided it would be funny if I started my own version of the real world. What I did was I got two people who didn't know each other and told them to Instant message each other, and then send me a copy of the instant message. I called it "The Real World With IMs."
I first tried it in late 1997 with listmebers Nate D, and if I rember correctly, Jen B. It wasn't very interesting. But list member Dick M. really liked the idea and convinced me to do it again. This time, I did it with Matt R. and Laura S, who proved to be a bit more interesting for a little while. I got bored with them, and started playing with the IMs a little bit. I would alter them to make them funnier. And, the way in which I was altering them, it came accross in a way so that every one else who was reading them might think that was the real conversation. Here is one in which it was altered:

Mattski300: hi laura
Mattski300: this is matt
MLSchind: goood morning
MLSchind: how are you
MLSchind: i have a stiff neck
Mattski300: i'm good. I just washed my car. I'm sorry.
MLSchind: You mean you had a dirty car? You moron
Mattski300: dont call me a moron
Mattski300: if i'm a moron than your a mirin
Mattski300: i mean moron
MLSchind: shut up your stupid
Mattski300: if i'm stupid then your stupid
MLSchind: alright
Mattski300: Laura, can I tell you a secret?
MLSchind: yes
Mattski300: Laura, I think I'm in love
MLSchind: with who?
Mattski300: Lance
MLSchind: I am too
Mattski300: I am just kidding, i can't stand him.
MLSchind: why not?
Mattski300: hes a moron
Mattski300: he smells bad and hes stupid
MLSchind: i think hes a genious
Mattski300: oh.
MLSchind: I think your a moron.
Mattski300: if i'm a moron then your a moron
Mattski300: you are a moron
MLSchind: matt, shut up
Mattski300: I'm hurt
MLSchind: good bye, matt
Mattski300: laura?
Mattski300: hello?
MLSchind: go away
Mattski300: because i'm a moron
MLSchind: yes
Mattski300: ok
Mattski300: laura?
Mattski300: laura?
Mattski300: hello?

The two people who starred in the real world got mad that I was altering them, and felt they were being misrepresented to the public. Well, that's when I REALLY started altering them. Here is one of my favorites:

MLSchind: Hello darling
Mattski300: (gulp) Um, hi laura.
Mattski300: How are you?
MLSchind: I'm just fancy
Mattski300: I went sky diving yesterday
MLSchind: Did you catch anything?
Mattski300: floo
MLSchind: owch
Mattski300: poo
MLSchind: Have you ever tried Special K?
Mattski300: No, is it good?
Santa Clause: Hi, guys!
Mattski300 and MLSchind: Santa!
Mattski300: What are YOU doing here?
Santa Clause: I just got AOL
Mattski300: You did?
Santa Clause: Yeah it sucks.
Adolf Hitler: Auf drurgan volkswagon
MLSchind: Hi, Hitler!
Mattski300: elle est du Madagascar?
Adolf Hitler: Shut up you fucking french person
Mattski300: choutte
MLSchind: oui
MLSchind: je joue au basket avec elle, elle est tres yamicas
Santa Clause: Juden!!!
Adolf Hitler: Auf auf auf auf! Drienderhoff!
MLSchind: c'est un peu 'explicit' je pense pour un proffesseur a dit a un
eleve
Mattski300: oh, il dit choses qui sont plus plus plus mal
Santa Clause: non! ce n'est pas vrai
Mattski300: oui, il est tres malade dans la tete
MLSchind: qu'est-ce qu'il dit a ton classe?
Santa Clause: oh, je ne peux pas dire
Adolf Hitler: I am leaving, you fucking french pigs.
Adolf Hitler: Adios
MLSchind: Sianarah
Santa Clause: I am gonna leave too. I didn't get any sleep last night. So long.
Mattski300: Laura, lets (censored)
MLSchind: ok.

An earlier episode also sparked one of my favorite issues. When Matt and Laura decided to have a conversation in all french, one list member started complaining because she couldn't read the real world if it was all in french. In response, I did the entire next issue of my mailing list in french. And, because most people couldn't read it, I took the time to insult every single list member in french. Somepeople were able to translate it and were actually insulted, others, including myself, got a good kick out of it.
---------
Another one of my very favorite moments was in, when I cought everyone a little bit off gaurd by opening with the following:

Well, youve probably all ready herd this, but president Clinton has been shot dead. I am watching TV and they just interupted with the news and they are going all off on how clinton has been shot. Well, you'll read about it and probably here about it alot so im not gonna waste your time but i dunno, just make sure to watch those late night TV shows. I am wondering if they will still do monologues.
---------
And then there were some of my favorite stories:

BEN GARBER's epic thriller
JAIME PEREZ:
Dive or Be Diven
12-10,11-97
NO ONE HAs really ever thought much about diving from the top of the bridge into the bottom of the grand rapid river of Canada, but Jaime Perez had his mind set on being the first. He wasn’t a very experienced diver. In fact, he didn’t even know how to swim. What inspired him to do such a thing??????? Well, there is a bit of a story behind that. Let me tell you how it all happened.
Back in the astrologically biased summer of 1996, Jaime had been fortunate enough to win tickets from the cap of a bottle of his favorite drink: Carb-A-Cola, to the Summer Olympic divin g competitions. He got free transportation and free food and free lodging. He even got to have [a free] dinner [at Planet Hollywood] with 1988 Olympian Greg Luganis. This was quite of prize. And on top of all that, he got $10000000000000000000000 in spending cash. This was a dream come trüé.
Jaime went down to the town of Atlanta, where these particular Summer Games would be taking place, and headed right to the pool. He got his seat and watched in amazement as he saw the Olympians take their dives. "WOW," he said.
After the Olympics, all he could talk about was the Olympics and how "awesome" it was to see the Olympians diving competitions. He decided he wanted to become a diver too. NAnd not just any diver, he wanted to become a record breaking diver. He decided he would dive from the top of the bridge into the bottom of the grand rapid river of Canada. He practiced at the gym and he got the world famous Olympic coach, Bella Carrolie to help him train and he advertised and he got the news to come up and all his friends too. It was now the night before and he went out with his friends to a party. He must have drunken 100 bottles of Carb-A-Cola and he was so over caffinated that his head almost exploded. He couldn't sleep all night so he stayed up just doing jumping jacks.

Finally, the next day came and it was time to jump. Everything was worked out so that there wouldn't be any problems. All he had to do was dive straight down, and he would land in a part with out many rocks and be able to swim to the sho re very easily, so he would be fine. But just seconds before he was going to jump, the caffeine wore off. Oh-oh!!! He almost fell asleep, but luckily, some one handed him another Carb-A-Cola and that woke him up. However, because he had all ready had more than his share of caffeine, this was just a little too over the top. He started shaking and going into convulsions. But jumped off the bridge anyway. Luckily he was fine. Every one was happy when he landed in the water safe and sound and came back up. But his shaking attracted a shark. Oh-oh!!!!! Fortunately, some one threw him a rope and he grabbed on. Unfortunately, the shark bit the rope. Fortunately, some one threw another rope and he grabbed on. Unfortunately, the shark bit the rope. Fortunately, some one thr Eew another rope and he grabbed on. Unfortunately, the shark bit the rope. Fortunately, some one threw another rope and he grabbed on. Unfortunately, the shark bit off his shorts. Fortunately, he managed to get up on shore with out getting hurt. Unfortunately, he fell back in. Fortunately, he got back up again. Unfortunately, he fell back in. Fortunately, he got back up again. Unfortunately, he fell back in. Fortunately, he got back up again. Unfortunately, the shark jumped up and bit off his leg.
You see, because Jaime had drunk so much, he shook and attracted a shark. If he hadn't had so much caffeine in his system, he would have been perfectly fine. The lesson here, kids, is don't drink caffeine before you go to bed because you won't be able to sleep and that just leads to trouble, or, don't drink and dive.
---------
Once upon a time, there was a dog with a talking collar. The talking collar was not real. But rather, it was fake. It didn't really talk. It just had a little speaker attached to it and it would play a random pre-recorded message when ever you pulled the dog's tung. It might play a voice that says something like "Wash your dishes before you use them to get rid of germs and maggots." Or maybe, "There is no place like florida." Some times it says "No one likes potatoes ecxcept spud lovers." Another one is "Hello, I am a dog." My personal favorie is the one that says "Blasted shoe horn!!! You never work when I need you!" Another is crying while it says "Boo-hoo. I've lost my shoe." "Happy Holloween, Timmy and Tonya. I hope you are safe." One goes "Eleven thirty is the time when I turn in to a monster." Others include the following:
"Dogs are better than cats."
"I hate cats."
"I ate a cat for breakfast."
"One hundred and thirty cats can make me sick."
"I once ate 12 donuts for 12 people."
"Pet my head, and rub my jelly. But not to hard or I'll become jelly."
"Elvis ain't dead, niether is John. But they have fun in Vietnam."
"I can't get no satisfaction."
"That's radical, dude."
"Hello, Ryan."
"Archie is mad at Jughead, but has become better friends with Reggie."
"Nobody likes chocolate muffins. Not even Santa Clause."
"If you can't fly, try anyways."
"I have no tung anymore."
"Novicaine doesn't hurt a bit."
"I've got writer's block."
"Nobody likes childr en."
"Nobody likes cocker spaniels."
"Carrie is crying cause his head exploaded."
"I had a dream about an elephant last night."
"Nobody likes vampire stories."
"Nobody likes underpants."
"If you were smarter, you'd think a lot better."
"No ice is too cold for a walrus."
"If you think enough, you will feel like a lobster eating fish."
"Justin got run over by a John Dear."
"Everybody likes zip-lock bags."
"Irritated seagulls like to go swimming to clear their thoughts."
"Hevenly cats are still horrable."
"I play the hermonica better than Santa Clause."
"You can't say that to a television."
"Goats like people with beards."
"Time to save the pavement."
--------
And, don't forget my 2001 trip around the counry. Here is an unrepleased part from my trip diary:

Sunday, April 8th 2001

After waking up, I had breakfast at one of the worst buffets in Lance Vegas: The Surf Buffet. Blech, bad yuckey food. Well, after breakfast and going home to write in my journal, I decided to go puchase some cigars. I went to the Las Vegas Cigar company, a place that makes their own cigars and sells no other brands. their cigars, though not the best cigars I've ever had, were nice, and they had some varieties I had not tried before, including flavored cigars. I got a vanilla cigar, which I actually didn't like much, and also some "sweet" cigars. Sweet cigars are dipped in Sugar water, giving them a pleasingly sweet taste. This place also had the BIGGEST cigars I've ever had, and I was happy to go home witha couple foot longs.
At the Luxor hotel and casino, an egyption themed venue, they had one of them Imax theaters. They had a show playing called Cyberworld 3-D, and the poster for it freatured the simpsons. Well, I made the bad choice of going to see it. It was just clips from Movies, such as Antz, and and old episodes of the simpsons converted into 3-D, and wasnt worth paying for, or the head ache those gigantic 3-D mega goggles gave me. They didn't use regular 3-d glasses, they used some computer controlled night-vission styled glasses that were bigger than my head, and gave me a head ache.
When the Cyberworld 3-D thankfully let it out, I bestowed my self in the video arcade located next store, which had many classics, including frogger, pac-man and the Simpsons arcade game from the early 1990's. This was a good way to kill time while I was waiting for the last show I I would be seeing on my trip to Lance Vegas.
Tonight was to be my last night in Lance Vegas, and I decided to take it in by taking in one last topless review. I chose a cheap one called Midnight Fantacies, which was being performed at the Luxor, the same place where I had seen the crappy 3-D Imax film earlier. I wasn't expecting it to be good, but I was quickly corrected. Great music, great laughs, and great boobies all contributed to the wonderfulness of this show. The girls were beutiful and there exposed brests were breath taking. Normally, I groan when a topless review is interupted by a comedian, but the coomedian who came out was actually really funny. His name sounded something like "Johnny Paycheck" or something, and he used to write for the wonder years. This show didn't only make my penis rise, but both my thubs, as I gave this show two thumbs up, and declare it the best show I saw while in Lance Vegas: better than Wayne Newton.
that was it for Sunday. Afetr the topless review, I went back to the hotell, wrote a song and went to sleep.

Monday, April 9th:
I got up at 8 am and packed all my stuff, readying myself for a trip out of this hevan hole that they call Lance Vegas. I broke my rule of never eating at a place I could eat at while back home by eating at IHOP, which I only did because it was connected to my hotel and I wasn't planning on going to the strip. The hotel gave me a free ride to the air port, where I waited and waited, broke as a duck for my plane which was 45 minutes late. I killed time by reading a calvin & hobbes book I had with me, and read it until I was able to get one the plain, which would be taking me to CHICAGO!!!!!!!!!!!! Which Is where we will pick up next time
-------
And thats it for my bicentenial. If you would like to look back at more issues of my mailing list, there is a huge serchable archive on my website, at www.GiantRats.com

Also remember that all though you may not be recieving my mailing listin your email over the next few months, you may check my web site every couple of weeks as I may post new mailing list there when I can't email them. Thank you for celebrating my bicentenial with me.

Love,
A One Man Whodunnit,
Lance Romañce


Thank you for reading this issue of tha Lance Romañce Mailing List. To subscribe, send an email to tendonitus@giantrats.com with the word "Subside" in the subject. For back issues, and just more entertainment, visit www.GiantRats.com.
---------------------------------------------
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©2001 Lance Romañce All Rights Reserved
this mailing is anti-dave mathews
email: tendonitus@giantrats.com
website: http://www.giantrats.com