199: Who's Got The Fever????? Who's Got The Plague!!!
5:16:01 12\03Morn
After scrimping and savinbg for several weeks now, I have finely saved up enough money to send out another mailing list. The costs included with sending out this mailing list have been slowly rising since I have started, but have risen VERY sharply since George W. took over the presidency. Therecent Writer Strike Scare in hollywood really put the prices over the top. I now have to pay my writers far more than I can afford when sending out this mailing list for free. Plus the cost of editers, spell checkers, and fact checkers.... And those guys are all union, which is why they never do their jobs, but I can't fire them. So, I am very sorry to say that starting two issues ago, I am now charging 10 dollars per issue per subscriber. That means that for this issue, as well as the last issue, you all owe me $30 each. I am very sorry but its the only way I can continue. In fact, I am still loosing money by charging only $10 an issue. Considering how many subscribers there are, I really should be charging at least 23 dollars an issue, so you are still kind of getting it for free. If you all got more subscribers to join, I could subsidise the costs. Anyhoo, sorry for any inconvenience with these new fees.
Please send all payments to:

Ben Garber
PO Box 2306
Providence, RI 02906

So, I have been working at Ben & Jerries for about 2 and a half weeks. How have I liked it????? Well, thats a good question. It is both miserable and amusing at the same time. How so???? Well, I'll tell you about it later. But not tonight.

Here is a new song i wrote called Sulfer Salley. It still needs a little work, but who really cares.

i got a girl and sally is her name
shes made os sulfer from her [head or feet] down to her brain
shes my pretty baby and she sure knows how to light my flame
uh huh

i got a girl and i call her sulfer sally
i met sally at a fire safety ralley
now i sure got the hots for sweet young sulfer sally

shes the best hardening agent i know
shes got an explosive temper and shes always ready to blow
shes got a sticky pussy and shes always ready to go
aw yeah!!!

i love sally when I'm smoking a cigar
she goes down on me while she fuling mycar
shes got an electron configuration of [Ne]3s23p4

The first letter this week is from Sarah E. of Blond, IE

i am a girl, a very attractive girl. and i smoke cigarettes occasionally, but
i do smoke a ton of weed. literally so my point is that my uncle Freddie
smokes cigars, and always have, and due to my immense love for him, i do like
cigar smoking men. i also like men with a keen fashion sense. i would
possibly jump in your lap, however, i will not give you a blow job
Sarah Ellen way up in
mill city

Dear Sarah,
As much as I would LOVE it if you jumped in my lap for hours on end (your end), I am afraid that just wouldn't be possable. This may come as even more a sirprise to you when you consider that I am moving to Mill City on Memorial Day.
You mentioned that you smoke a ton of weed. Well, I called the cops on you. Have fun in the slamer, be-otch!!!! I hope you rot in hell!!!!!

The second letter this week is from Javed M, proudley of Texas, AM:


we must get tcby like we were supposed to last summer.  oh yes, and we need to go gambling at foxwoods.  teh haunted grave sounds pretty awesome.  i have a week and a half until i bust out of this shit factory aka A&M.  ive been getting fat lately and even though i intend to eat good food this summer, i will not be fat....do you hear me goddamnit?   dont fuck with me lance.  im fookin crazy kid.


Dear Javed,
I too am looking forward to a long and delicious summer at TCBY.

Please send all letters to tendonitus@giantrats.com. Please keep in mind that I am now charging $10 for everyletter you send me.

The next issue will be my 200th mailing!!!!!!! THat's right, I have sent out 200 maling lists in the past FOUR years since I started this mailing list, and the next issue will be my special "Bicentenial Nigger" issue. (I Shoudl mention that Bicentenial Nigger is the name of a record by Richard Pryor, and is not ment in any upset). Anyhoo, I would like anyone who can, and even any one who can't, to write a few words about the mailing list. Favorite moments??? What you have learned??? What the mailing list has ment to you???? WHy havent you unsubscribed/??? Also, recolect some of your favorite bloopers and mishaps. Anything really. Maybe you would just like to raise a toast!!!! To celebrate, i will also be taking you ALL to the playboy mansion for a photo shoot. Send all emails to tendonitus@giantrats.com. If you would like to look through old mailing lists to help inspire a few words, a complete-like archive is kept at www.GiantRats.com, and click on the link on top that says "Tha Lance Romañce Mailing List." There is even a crapy search so you can search for spacific items that you just don't feel like looking for your self.

Here is another new song called "C''mon, Let's Dance!".

I watch you shake a lot
My little honey pot
You tie my eyes all up in a knot
would you like to dance
with mr lance romañce
your causing my blood to clot

your dancin all alone
while my love has grown
I'd love to tie you up & down and drag youhome
Oh, would you like to dance
With mr. Lance Romañce
Then I'll leave you with just a quarter to use the phone

It should be no sirprise
I want to gouge out your eyes
And then I'm gonna carve you out a new pair of theighs
Oh, Would you like to dance
With Mr. Lance Romañce
Nobody will hear your cries

So.... How about it???? C'mon!!!! Let's dance!!!!

Now, back to my vacation....
When we left off, I had just gone to bed on Friday, April 6th. We now pick up when I woke up on.....

Saturday, April 7th:
Well, my resorvation at the Excalibur Hotel & Casino had run out, so my first order of business on Saturday morning consisted of packing up, and moving to the Howard Johnson. I wasn't exactly sure where the howard johnson was, so I after walking around a little bit, I stopped in to the San Remo casino and asked a bell hop. No one knew where it was, but based on the address, everyone assumed it was a good 10 minutes or so away. So I got a cab, paid 5 bucks, and found it was just a 3 minute walk from the hotel I had all ready been staying at. Now, check out time at the Excalibur was at 11am, and the check in time at Howard Johnson wasn't till 3pm. This gave me time to kill.
Reading a magazine of shows that were in town, I decided the best thing to do would be to see Pat Benitar, who I have never really haven't heard enough of her stuff to have an opinion. But, why the hell not just see her before she dies anyway, right???? Well, I walked over to the Orleans casino, where she was playing, and found the only tickets still available were in poor seats and just too expensive.
Now, I still had time to kill before I could check in at the Howard Johnson, a lot of time. Thats when a bad idea hit me: I've been playing nickle slots this whole time I've been here in Las Vegas. Now, when ever I play the nickle slots, I frequently win back 20 to 30 nickles back all the time. But the problem is that 20 or 30 nickles, is only a dollar, or alittle more. So, how about if I played the dollar slots??? I'm bound to win back 20 to 30 coins all the time, and when I am playing with dollars, that means 20 to 30 dollars. Well, at first this theory worked, and I was quickly up 80 dollars!!! Whoa mama!!!!! Unfortunately, I had too much time to kill, and I got too damn greedy, but I soon lost al;l those winnings, plus another 40. That really made me bummed.
You may recall that when I wrote about my first trip to Foxwoods casino in Coneticut, my gambling advice strongly stated to NEVER play the slots. So why have I been playing so many slots in Las Vegas??? Well, admittedly, it is fun to play the slots. And, I see little loss in playing the nickle slots. Some times, playing the tables can be a bit intimidating: You feel dumb if you don't know how to play very well, and the higher steaks can be scarry too. Foxwoods, until just this month, has only had Quarter slots which I see as too much of a loss. Secondly, all slots are electronicly controlled by the casino. Its not pure chance, the casino sets the odds them selves. Well, at Foxwoods, where there is little competition from other casinos, the pay off is pretty low. However, in Las Vegas, there is far more competition between the casinos, and there for, the casinos need looser slots or people won't come in. That's why casino's that are off the strip pay off much more, so they can advirtise it more so they can draw people from the strip to their location. So, because of looser slots and lower minimums, thats how I figure its ok to play slots in vegas. I'll even play more slots at foxwoods once they get more nickle machines up and running.

So 3 O'clock rolls around. I leave the Orleans where I had been loosing and go back to the Howard Johnson to check in. Now, tonight, I am going to see two concerts, both of which are conveniently being held at the Stardust. At 11, I am seeing "Mr. Las Vegas" himself, Wayne Newton. However, before that, I am seeing big band great Ray Anthony. Though none of you heard of him, you may know some of his most famous songs, which include The Bunny Hop, the Hokey Pokey (that's right, THE hokey pokey), and the theme song from Dragnet. I, being aware of this, was excited to see him and jumped at the chance when I saw the price tag was only 15 bucks. The only catch was I had to dress nice.
Before I left for my vacation, I bought some new clothes to wear in Las Vegas. Nice clothes, dress up clothes. Unfortunately, most of them didn't make it to Las Vegas with me. The young las I stayed with in Orlando suffers from obsesive compulsive disorder, and couldn't stand to see them stuffed in my bag. So, with out telling me, she hung them up in her closet, a place where I never looked. So, when I left florida, it didn't occor to me to check her closet to make sure I had everything. Hence, I left with out them.
So hear I am, On the night of two concerts where I can't get in unless I'm dressed nice. I did have a nice but soiled jacket with me, and some nice pants, and even a tie, but I had NOTHING but t-shirts. Well, you know that green army jacket I have that is all ripped and has a gigantic hole in the back??? Well, I was able to make due, by tucking that in, putting on a tie, and wearing a jacket over it. And, I had to keep the jacket on, no matter how hot I got in it. I had pulled this trick once before when I went to a winter ball in high school.
Ray anthoney was great. I sat at atable with several older couples. I was the only person in the ball room under 50, and I enjoyed talking about whats wrong with bands today. Ray Anthoney didn't play any of his hits, which I respect, and durring intermission, I got my picture taken with him. But he is one of the last surviving members of the big band era, and it was greatto be able to see a real big band. He's not one of those loser big bands made up of guys who grew up listening to led zeppelin , this was the real deal. How ever, the REAL high light wasn't on stage, but just two tables behind my front row table. Just two tables behind me sat a music legend. Ladies and gentlemen, just two tables behind me, just 30 feet or so, sat Barry Gordey: The FOUNDER of MOWTOWN records. Man ,oh man. I wanted to get a picture with him too but he left early.
Ray Anthoney ended just in time for me to move over to another theater in the same casino to see Las Vegas Legend Wayne Newton. I sat in the front row, at a table with a couple from California, who were probably around 40 or 50. They were wonderful, and we talked about the energy crises, and how california is nice, and how I would like to visit and other things I dont recall. How ever, I really liked them we got a long great. Wayne Newton himself had a bit of a horse voice that night, but still put on a an amusing show, and I am glad I went. I got back to my hotel at 2am (las vegas time) and went to bed.

More from my vacation in a leter issue. But first, Here is another new song. It is also in preliminary stages.

On Route 47, met my baby on a saturday night
She was working at a diner grill. oh her cookin just tasted so right
Never had a burger any greater
So I asked her if shed like to go out later
Now I'm so happy, so happy every day every day

Well, if some some body took my girl away, well you know that wouldn't be right
Well, if somebody takes my girl away, I'd cry all day and night
She's so hot when we hug I get a chest burn
Every friday I take her to a western
Cause I'm so so happy, so so happy every day

(Oh yeah, I'm)sooooo, sooooo happy
Yes I'm soooo, sooo happy
(Oh baby, I'm)sooo, sooo happy
Yes I'm so, so happy
(Oh I'm so) so, so happy
Yes I'm trigger, trigger happy
My new girl, she really just blows me away

Well we made it last night, in her daddy's den
You should have seen the commotion when her daddy walked in
He threw a lamp, he was just so mad
Now she's not aloud to seem me and I'm oh so sad
Cause when I'm with her , I'm so happy, so happy every day

Me and my baby decided that it would be best to run away
We'd elope in Kansas, and we got to go by the end of the day
You know that girl just blows my head
So she's not my girl no more, she's my wife insted
Now, I'm so so happy, so happy every day

(Oh yeah, I'm) so, so happy
Yes I'm so, so happy
(Oh baby, I'm) so, so happy
Yes I'm so, so happy
(Oh I'm so) so, so happy
Yes I'm so, so happy
Shes my girl, and man does she blow me away

Come on pack your bags now
What have we got to lose?
We'll go to the wedding chappel
And marry away our blues

Got a brand new wife, and a baby on the way
Got a new job getting coffee for the local DJ
I always keep her photo by my side
When I take it out I give a joyful sigh
Because I'm so happy, so happy every day

(Oh yeah, I'm) so, so happy
Yes I'm so, so happy
(Oh baby, I'm) so, so happy
Yes I'm so, so happy
(Oh I'm so) so, so happy
Yes I'm so, so happy
Shes my girl, and man does she blow me away

though this song may not seem too amusing to you now, you may all like it better when you realise its a parody of a song by Wierd Al Yancovic. I took his origional called Trigger Happy from his "off the deep end" album , and made a more serious version of it. It still needs work, but I think im off to a good start. Here are wierd al's origional lyrics:
Got an AK-47, well you know it makes me feel alright
Got an Uzi by my pillow, helps me sleep a little better at night
There's no feeling any greter
Than to shoot first and ask questions later
Now I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day

Well, you can't take my guns away, I got a constitutional right
Yeah, I gotta be ready if the Commies attack us tonight
I'll blow their brains out with my Smith and Wesson
That ought to teach them all a darn good lesson
Now I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day

(Oh yeah, I'm)trigger, trigger happy
Yes I'm trigger, trigger happy
(Oh baby, I'm)trigger, trigger happy
Yes I'm trigger, trigger happy
(Oh I'm so)trigger, trigger happy
Yes I'm trigger, trigger happy
Better watch out, punk, or I'm gonna have to blow you away

Oh, I accidently shot daddy last night in the den
I mistook him in the dark for a drug-crazed Nazi again
Now why'd you have to get so mad?
It was just a lousy flesh wound, Dad
You know, I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day

Oh, I still haven't figured out the safety on my rifle yet
Little Fluffy took a round, better take him to the vet
I filled that kitty cat so full of lead
We'll have to use him for a pencil instead
Well, I'm so trigger happy, trigger happy every day

(Oh yeah, I'm)trigger, trigger happy
Yes I'm trigger, trigger happy
(Oh baby, I'm)trigger, trigger happy
Yes I'm trigger, trigger happy
(Oh I'm so)trigger, trigger happy
Yes I'm trigger, trigger happy
Better watch out, punk, or I'm gonna have to blow you away

Come on and grab your ammo
What have you got to lose?
We'll all get liquored up
And shoot at anything that moves

Got a brand new semi-automatic weapon with a laser sight
Oh, I'm prayin' somebody tries to break in here tonight
I always keep a Magnum in my trunk
You better ask yourself, do you feel lucky, punk?
Because I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day

(Oh yeah, I'm)trigger, trigger happy
Yes I'm trigger, trigger happy
(Oh baby, I'm)trigger, trigger happy
Yes I'm trigger, trigger happy
(Oh I'm so)trigger, trigger happy
Yes I'm trigger, trigger happy
Better watch out, punk, or I'm gonna have to blow you away

Anyhoo, thats it for now. Send in letters, get subscribers, and prepare pieces for my 200th mailing!!!!!!!!!

A Lover of Dave Mathews,
Lance Romañce

Thank you for reading this issue of tha Lance Romañce Mailing List. To subscribe, send an email to tendonitus@giantrats.com with the word "Subside" in the subject. For back issues, and just more entertainment, visit www.GiantRats.com.
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©2001 Lance Romañce All Rights Reserved
this mailing is anti-dave mathews
email: tendonitus@giantrats.com
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