198: Unevitable Truths: You Just Can't Avoid Them
Hey there, stupid!!! Lance Romañce is in the hot seat again, so I'm going to write this mailing list real quickly because the sooner i finnish this mailing list the sooner i can get up and boy is my ass burning.
Many of you have noticed over the last few issues that I have started smoking gigantic cigars. Where did this cigar fetish come from????? Well, there are a couple of reasons really. Well, first in foremost is my new years resolution this past new years eve was to be more like Groucho Marx. This included growing a big mustache and the aformentioned cigar smoking. And after just 5 months of smoking, I feel MUCH more Groucho like. Secondly is that my mother, for a living, fights smoking. She tries to get all sorts of anti-smoking laws passed and crap like that. So, smoking was inevitable for me. Not smoking durring high school has become one of my biggest regrets, simply for the reason that i would make my mom angry. I must admit that my mom did do a pretty good job scaring me out of smoking cigarettes, and so costs and risks assosiated with cigarettes still keep me away from them. How ever, you don't inhale cigars, so you don't get smoke in your lungs. Secondly, although they do contain some nicotine, they do not carry nearly as much as cigaettes, which keeps them from being super addictive. They are also more offensive and disgusting, which is my third reason for smoking cigars. On my birthday this year, as some of you may recall, i went up to Foxwoods casino and enjoyed a wonderful night of gambling and racateering. I wore a wonderful suit, a leisure suit of sorts, which fit me perfect. But I felt there was something missing from the brest pocket. Something important to complete the look i was going for. It didn't take long to figure out that what was missing was cigars, so the forth reason i started smoking is that cigars just go extremely well with my suit. The complete my style.
I must say that I have come to rather enjoy cigars, and now smoke them quite regularly. Besides the risk of mouth cancer, my only real dissapointment is that most girls are turned off by them. Even girls who smoke cigaettes don't like them. I kind of figured girls would say "That boy is smoking cigars. He's dangerous. That turns me on, i will go and jump in his lap and give him a blow job." But they don't. Insted, most girls are disgusted. But that doesn't stop old Lance because no woman is going to tell me what to do.
Some list members also noticed that I had a job interview at Ben & Jerries this past monday. A job interview, that went horribly. It wasn't even a job interview really, it was me and 4 other prospective employees sitting around a table while the manager went off on us. I'm sure she said lots of nice things, but i wouldn't know cause i wasn't paying attention. And she was quite aware of that. That, as well as the fact that only dumb things ever came out of my mouth, likely cost me the job.
I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that I lost my glass eye. I think I left it an antique shop but i called and they said they haven't seen it. Anyhoo, the good news is that on friday, I am goiing to get fitted for a golden eye, so i will be just like james bond. I'm sorry, that was the wrong news. The good news i ment to tell you is that I got the job at Ben & Jerries. The bad news is that i have to wear khakis. Yuck. But, none the less, i will be starting on saturday at a whopping $7 bucks an hour at the local Ben And Jerries scoop shop.
The first letter this week is from good ol John McN. of Salsberry, Steak:
Dear Mr. Romañce,
I have read the latest installment of your mailing list and have found that I am interested in bearing your child. Do you think you could accommodate this, and aid me in paying for a womb implant, in which I will grow the Lance-child? Do you have any cheese?
That is all.
Love in Jebus,
I guess I don't really have any problem with you doing this, how ever, I can't afford to aid you. How ever, as a matter of fact, I do have cheese. I went grocery shopping yesterday and got two pounds of american cheese. Why do you ask???
The second letter is from Jon S. of Banana-Rama-Ding-Dong:
Let me know when your going to be in Ithaca, that's only 30 minutes from my school. If you want I could see if you could play at my fraternity. We could pay you or something. Well we probably can't pay you but will definately supply you with underage girls. The trip sounds like its going well.
I would LOVE to play at your sorority!!!!! Which one are you in???? Next time I am in Ithica, I will let you know.
My trip journal continues....
I thought i would delight you all with a continuation of my trip diary. We will pick up a couple wednesdays ago, where i last left off, in Viva Lance Vegas.
Wednesday, April 4th: Lance Vegas (Continued)
We last left off when I had just seen a topless comedy afternoon show called "bottoms up" and then wewnt back to the hotel and watched an adult movie. The notes I took on my trip say I had a crapping problem at that point, but i don't recall what the problem was, so I will move on. The next event in my day consisted of hailing a cab to take to me to the world famous Palamino strip club in North Lance Vegas. That's right, a tottally nude bar, and the one i went to is conisdered one of the best in the country.
The Palamino club is just north of lance vegas, in a small town known as north lance vegas. A classy joint, ye is, its cost 10 bucks to get in, plus a two drink minimum. I stayed there from just after 7 pm till just after midnight. I was really pleased with the club because the girls were really nice, and while they were dancing on the stage, they would talk to you. And, if you gave them a dollar, they would use their brests to take it from your hand. I had 4 dollars, so I did that 3 times, and then there was one other girl who let me put the dollar down her shorts. One of the girls was a play boy model, who was just a fantastic girl all around. So i can now say I've had my hand between the boobies of a playboy model. At 11 pm, the club held its nightly amature contest, where a comedian comes out and hosts 4 or 5 different girls, who just happen to be in town, on to the stage, where the girls do their best to delight the audience, so they can earn tips and, which ever girl the audience likes the best wins $100
Now, one thing I must say about this strip club, is that all the girls obviously really enjoyed what they were doing. They were having a grand old time just prouncing around the stage naked and picking up lots and lots of tips. To all the ladies on this mailing list who would like to earn some extra money, I suggest you go to some amature nights and try your self out. You'll make a good amount just for entering, and you might find that you enjoy it. This is good because most strip clubs are always hiering. Now, some clubs won't be as nice as the Palamino. Some clubs will take half the tips you make. You should call a head and see if they let you keep all your tips. Also, check out what the girls who work there are like. Are they happy??? If so, you might find that you will really enjoy this job, and you will make LOTS of money doing it. So go and try a few amature contest and see if you like it. If you do, let me know and i will come and cheer you on and give you big tips. I can also help to train you so that you know what you are doing when you are up there. If you would like free stripping lessons, drop me a line.
On the way back from the strip club, i had this wierd cab driver who was telling me about how he tried to get a law pass that women drivers couldn't be on the road after 6 pm.
"So did it pass?" I asked him, trying to make conversation.
"No," he said, as he pointed out "See how nice and empty the roads are now at1 am, now that there are no women driving?? See how much safer it is, and how much less traffic there is??"
Thursday, April 5th: Lance Vegas
Well, I woke up on thursday morning saying to my self not to gamble. To avert my gambling tendoncies, I wondered just off the strip to a small museum just off the strip called Elvis-A-Rama. Elvis-A-Rama is a wonderful museum with lots of great Elvis memorabilia, including his black Cadilac, his purple Lincoln, his motor boat, his blue suade shoes, some letters he wrote, some out fits he wore, and a concert every few minutes by an Elvis impersonater. The Elvis-A-Rama was mentioned in a Wierd Al song called "The Biggest Ball Of Twine in Minesotta."
I was so turned on by the cars Elvis drove, that my next stop was classic car museum that was on display at the Imperial. Fortunately, I had a cupon for this car show so it didn't cost a dime to get in. Unfortunately, to get there I had to go through a casino floor, which cost me 10 bucks. However, the car show was well worth it and stayed there for well over an hour. They had Chevy Bel-Airs, Ford Galexies, Cadilac El Doraddos, Ford Model As, a couple Oldsmobiels... all of them restored, absolutely beutiful, and all for sale. They had maybe 50 cars there. One of them was a car custom Built for Liberace. I was so taken a way by the beutiful cars that I retuened the next day to look at them all again.
Next stop on this nice day was Sam's Town, the casino I had gone to the day before and much enjoyed. Now, I had told myself early in the morning not to gamble, and not lissening to my advice all ready had cost me 10 bucks. Well, going to Sam's Town cost me even more money. I'm sure how much more because I failed to right it in my journal. But I only stayed in the casino for about a half hour before taking the shuttle back to the strip. I then finished off my evening with two free out door show's: The pirate battle outside Treasure Island, and then the dancing water fountains outside the belagio. I didn't like the pirate battle, how ever, the dancing water, which i expected to be stupid, I actually found to be quite delightful. The water danced to Singing In The Rain. Heh heh. And then i went home and went to bed.
Friday, April 6th: Lance Vegas
I spent the morning just watching some TV, until I decided to leave my room and go to a breakfast buffet. The buffet, which was at my hotel, the Excalibur, sucked. bad food, bad service. Now, I was just accross the way from the famous MGM Grand, a rain forrest themed casino which has its own lions and is also the place wher 2pac Shakur was killed just out side of. I decided go and visit his death place, and pay my resects. I am not exactly sure where he was killed, so I had to guess. I recognised the place from the picture of 2pac that was taken right out side just moments before his death. I won ten bucks playing a game called Casino War, went to an "internet cafe" to check my email... One of the emails I got was from list member Lani R, who's letter appeard in the last mailing list, asked me to play the number 28 for her. I played 28 on a roulette game at the Balagio promptly after recieving her email. Went back to the car show I went to yesterday, walked down to Star dust and git a ticket to see Wayne Newton on saturday night, wen home, went to bed.
Well, thats it for this issue. I will continue next week with Saturday, April 7th. I am going to foxwoods casino tonight to see comedy legend Don Rickles before he kicks off and dies. He was great in Casino, wasn't he???? Anyhoo, until next time, visit me at work, and if you need stripping lessons let me know. Hugs and kisses to one and all.
One Of Shakespear's Greatest Tragedies,
Lance Delano Romañce
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