197: Telly's Apdemdecdamy
4:23:01 12\45Morn
So then she calls me the next day and tells me shes pregnet. So i tell her.. Oh, hello. I didn't hear you come in. I am back in Providence, recovering from my long hard journey accross the country. I have a job interview tomarrow at Ben and Jerries. I wrote on my application that they should higher me because my real name is Ben, so when I answer the phone I could say "Ben & Jerry's. Ben speaking." I hope i will get the job. I lied on my application, and I'm worried that I lied in a way that wasn't believable. One of the questions on the application said "Mention a time when you displayed superior customer service." My response was that I always try to display superior customer service. However, one more notable time, was when I was working at a Tower Records in Boston. A customer came in looking for a record which we did not have in stock, but I was able to locate it at another tower records in the next town. The customer didn't want to wait a day for us to transfer the stock, so i paid for the customer's subway token to the other store. Do you think that is too obvious a lie???? I am nervous because I really need a job badly. I also made one more error. The application asked me if i had ever been convicted of a felony. I filled in the blank with "No sir." So, the LADY called me up tonite (sunday) and told me to come in tomarrow (monday) at 3:30 (rhode island time)

I think I am going to do a little more traveling this summer. I really didn't do anything on the west coast of my vacation de la country. I will have a couple friends on the west coast over the summer, so with any luck, I can hit seattle, san franscisco, and carmel. If I play my cards right, maybe I will be able to visit some other places. I also hope to go to memphis. I got a book on hostils accross the country, which is great. I can find a place in just about any city for under 30 bucks.

I have a bad reaction to caffine when i drink it. It usually makes me depressed, paranoid and with drawln, which makes it very hard to interact with people. It also weakens my blatter considerably. If I don't drink it much, i can have it occasionally and it won't effect me. I don't like coffee, so thats easy to avoid, but i love soda and tea. When I haven't had it in a while, sometimes i start slowly drinking it again. I try to avoid it most of the time, but all i had in my fridge today was soda, so I have drinken more of it than I have wished to. The effects are smaller than normal, but it is going toi keep me up for a LONG time.

I know that for a long time, many of you have wonderd "does lance romañce have a middle name???"""" Yes, I do. Yes he does. Yes, we do have a middle name. The middle name of Lance Romañce is Delano, making my initials LDR. Thats a nice mix between FDR and LBJ, both of which were held by former presidents. LBJ isn't one of my favorites, but damn, did he have nice initials or what?????

The first letter this week is from Adrienne S. of Tinkle Town:

'Dear Ben,
will you please bring me back an armadillo from texas? i promise to walk it and feed it and even give it a bath in the sink.
warmly,
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
[....take that, rufo.] adrienne.

Dear Adrrionn,
I am sorry, but you did not write me soon enough to reach me while I was still in texas. So, it is with my deepest regrets I am unable to get you a an Adrmadillio. How ever, if you would like, i would more than happy to buy you a pussy cat. Would you like a pussy cat, little girl??? Would you like a pussy cat??? Pussy cat. Pussy cat. When Igo back to Austin this winter, I will poach you an armadillo, and then you can feed it to your pussy cat.
Love,
Lance

The second letter this week is from Lani R. of Shepards Pie, Hagis:

hey lance romance (aka ben)
sounds like your having fun. i would love to be traveling around cutting people in lines and stuff. lucky you!
i found a pair of your socks in the blankets. do you want them? remember the money i gave you and play the #28 for me. k?
have fun!
Lani

Dear El Lani-o, The Lan Miester, Lan-a-rama, Lan-a-ram-a-ding-dong,
No, Lani. I had a horrable time. It was worse than the time i got my penis cought in your hair drier when you weren't home. In fact, its so bad that since i've gotten home, i've been doing a lot of drugs so i can for get the whole thing.
I did recieve your letter in time to play number 28 while i was still in las vegas. I went to the Belagio hotel & casino, walked up toa roulette table and put down $5 on the number 28. Well, kind of. I put it on the 3rd 12, which contains the number 28, and the odds are only 3 to 1, as a oppose to the roughly 38 to one that i would have by just playing the number 28. The dealer then told me that the table i was playing had a 10 dollar minimum. I know that my sweet Lani would never tell me to do the wrong thing, so I didn't hesitate to double my bet to $10. Some asian tourists placed some bets as well, and once they were done, the dealer spun the wheel and set the ball a rolling. The ball rolled and rolled, untill finely it landed on the 6. 6, needless to say is in the first 12, not the third twelve, where I had placed my $10. Thanks a lot, Lani.
Love,
Lance

Please send me lots of letters, once again to Tendonitus@giantrats.com or just hit "reply."

Here is more of my trip journal, picking up in Austin, Texas, where i left off when sending the last mailing list.

Monday, April 2nd (continued):
-I got the following letter in the mail:
>hey,
>
>i just randomly type in giantrats.com and found your web site, i got to
>listen to one of your songs on the mp3 and i thought it was pretty cool,
>i'm kinda broke right now but maybe i could get up the money to buy one, but
>if you would want to trade something i do art i could send you some or
>something that you would want, i have no idea what that might be, but maybe
>i have it. My names jenny and i would be cool if you could email me back
>thanks,
>jen

I wrote her back and told her that sounds like a dandy trade, and told her about my vacation, and how it would prevent me from completing a trade until I got home in a few weeks. Well, she wrote back and, as it turnsd out, the girl lived in Austin!!!! She gave me her phone number and told me to call her. Well, sadly, I didn't get her 2nd email until too late, and I had all ready left Austin. But I wrote her back later in the week from an internet cafe in Las Vegas, and we have been keeping corraspondence ever since.

-went to dinner at University Texas Dining hall, which was delicious. Best college food I ever had.
-Went with my texan host, Kyle, to see movie "Memento"
-Set my alarm for 8 the next morning
-Went to sleep on Kyle's floor

Tuesday, April 3rd:
My alarm went off at 8 in the morning, but i didn't notice, so Kyle's room mate woke me up.
I Took bus to air port, waited around for a little while, then took off. The plain to vegas, which I thought was going to be 45 minutes, ended up being 2 hours and 45 minutes, thanks to time zones. It was an OK flight.I alwsays thought that Lance Vegas wasn't going to be much more than the strip, but while flying over it, I found that it is actually quite huge, and is largely suburban. In fact, it it the fastest growing city in the country right now. There are slot machines every where in vegas, from the moment you get off the plain. I played one quarter, and one back two quarter, doubling the money I had gambled with. I then got my luggage, and took a shuttle to my hotel: The Excalibur hotel and casino. The Excalibur is a midevil themed casino located on the southern part of the strip. The woman who drove the shuttle liked me and told me there should be more people like me. I tipped her two dollars, then checked into my hotel, and played another quarter and won back another quarter, making my total winnings so far 50 cents. After putting my stuff in my room, I went and got myself a players card for the excalibur casino, and then proceeded to a round play Roulette. Played 5 bucks on first 12, which one me back tripple my bet, making my net proffit so far 10 dollars and fifty cents. I played some of the nickle slots, then went over to another casino, The Luxor, played black jack, and continued at the same table, against my better judgement. I lost 15 bucks. I then went back to my room, and made reservations for a show that night Called "Showgirls of Magic" at the San Remo casino. . I walked around for a while, a little bummed because I had lost that 15 bucks earlier. I was really only down 4.50 from what I came with, but I had lost everything I had won too. At 10:30, i went to the Sam Reno to see thow I had just made reservations for. The show was called "Show Girls of Magic," and i liked it quite a bit. Loud dance music played while 4 very beutiful girls, while wearing sexy out fits, performed magic tricks and danced around. About half way through the show, all 4 girls took of their shirts and continued to dance and do magic tricks while they were topless. What a great show!!! Afterwords, I went back to my hotel room, and watched some softcore porn on TV, then went to sleep.

Wednesday, April 4th:
Not long after waking up, i discovered that the door to my hotel room refused to lock, and could be easily opened with out a key by simply pushing the door open. I called maintnence, and waited around for them before I went out and did anything. While, waiting, I decided to call around about ordering a call girl. Now, despite popular beleif, prostitution is NOT legal in Las Vegas. It is legal in other parts of nevada, but in vegas it works a little differently. What you do is you order a "private stripper" to your room. You pay her a large some of money to come to your room and do a private strip show for you, and then, presuming you've given her a large tip, she will have sex with you. Its perfectly legal because you just paid her to strip, and then she just consented to sex. This is probably the best way to get a hooker in any city, but in las vegas, its just more well known. Well, I made my self a chart of the questions i was going to ask the "strippers", then went through the yellow pages under "entertainment", and made a list of the call girl ads that I thought sounded most attractive. The first one I called, I asked her how much they charged, and the girl said something like $225. I asked her is she had anything cheaper, and she said how much cheaper, and i said "under a hundred". She said "honey, your not going to find anything in this town for under a hundred" and hung up. I then called a few more places, and found girls as cheap as $125. Later that day, I was walking down the street and recieved a cupon for girls that were only $95, which is under a hundred!!!!! What a lier that whore was. What a whore that liar was. Any hoo, I didn't end up getting a hooker, mainly because it really did make me a little nervous. So after the hotel maintmnance fixed my door, I went and played more nickle slots.

I know that if you go off the strip, the casinos pay out more. I took a cab to a casino about 15 minutes off the strip called Sam's Town. Upon getting there, I learned that there was a free shuttle to and from the strip, and if i had called and asked, i wouldn't have wasted my money on a cab. Nonc the less, it turned out to be very worth it. I played some nickle slots and some video black jack and won like 10 bucks. I then went to a 5 dollar black jack table and won like 15 bucks. I then went to a roulette table, and through a series of games, won 40 dollars!!!! I would have won more, but there were times I took back my bet, and every time i did, the place which i had intended to bet on won. None the less, I tipped the dealer 5 bucks and left. I went to the buffet they had had at this casino which was really, really, really, really good. The only problem was I got stuffed to quickly. Played some more nickle slots and video black jack, then took the shuttle bakc to the strip. I took the shuttle to the north end of the strip, so i could walk back to my hotel and check out the entire strip in the process. In doing so, the following happoned:
-I bought a ticket to see 50s swing sensation Ray Anthony on Saturday Night
-I learned that the strip is a much shorter walk than the travel books made it out to be. In fact, i consider that walk to be "nothing."
-I got a cupon to see the only topless afternoon show in town, "Bottoms Up," for just 7 bucks. The girls were pretty good looking, but there were only two, and they were clothed for most of the time. The rest of the show was just unexciting comedy. The show didn't suck, but i wouldn't recomend the show. How ever, after tipping the Metra'd 3 bucks, I got to sit in the very front row, even though I was near the end of the LONG LONG line. I then went back to my room and rented another adult movie.

That was not the end of the night, but thats the end of this mailing list. I will tell you more in the next mailing, but for now I've had enough. Anyhoo, until next time, good night.

Love,
King Jigaboo,
Lance Romañce


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