196: Goodbye O-Town Part Two: Goodbye Austin
Ah, Lunch was nice. I had a turkey sub and some stuffed pizza, which, incidently, stuffed me.
I am currently writing you from Austin, Texas, which I must say I like a lot. Orlando was not a town that impressed me, it was too big and corperate and the people were snobby. Austin is nice, its a very loose and artsy town, and the people are delightful. All my prejuduces of Texas of been delightfuly decived by this town, which is somewhat reminicent of my hometown: Providence. It is the capital of texas, and is a very laaid back place. I always thought of texas as being very conservative and hate filled. While there are many conservatives, religious freaks and white supremicests in the area, I aam very pleased by how many "Vote For Ralph Nader" bumper stickers I've seen. Many of the other parts of texas are supossedly far more what I think of when I think of texas, but Austin is a wonderful city, and very beutiful too. I definately plan to come here again. If I had to, I would not have any problem living here either.
I watched Steve Martin hosst the acadamy awards last week. I really like steve martin, and i like julia roberts a lot too, so I am pleased that she won Best Actress. I can't say I was all that excited with all of the winners, but i found the show to be amusing. I started thinking about what I will do when I am at the acadmy awards. Weather presnting an award, accepting award, performing a song from a movie, or just hanging out, i will no doubt be attending the oscars some day, and fully intend to make an impression. I brain stormed about things I could do, and wrote down a few of my ideas. Here are just a few of them:
- I would like to wear a spinning boe tie. The whole night, my tie would just be wurring around. Maybe it would shoot water out of it too, i do not know. But it would spin, it would be amusing, it would fit in the restraints of a black tie affair, and I would wear it every year.
-Call seat fillers up on stage to sing song
-Who would my date be? A 12 year old girl?? The first Lady??? Another man??? Maybe some years, but my plan next year is to go with a monkey. She would wear a fancy oscar dress, and if they don't let her in, i will say"but she got all dressed up."
-I would finger my date durring the show. This would be particularly amusing when my date is the first lady or the monkey.
-For an acceptance speech, i would just make a long attack on Liza Gibbons.
-Drink a lot of nyquil and sleep through the entire show.
-For acceptance speech, just repeat the speeach the person before me gave
-acceptance speech: "fuck yous" to people who didn't help me or got in my way
-send some one else up for me, just because i'm too lazy to get out of my seat
-throw tomatoes at the stage when people i didn't like won an oscar
-not go up, and just stay on my seat, bashful, waving my arm, and completely deny the fact that i won
-while on stage, piss in to Sarah Jessica Parker's mouth
-Present a greammy insted of an oscar
On the cover of my first album, is an elefante, which is english for bearded elephant. The ele\fante on the cover of Sonnets Set To Music is named Harry, and the other day, I wrote a rough draft for a new song for my third album, called The Balled Of Harry The Elafante. It is a song about how Harry came to be, and this is how it goes:
deep in the jungle
where the alligators grow
there lived an elephant
she was the prettiest elephant
that you had ever seen
long brown hair, a puppy dog smile
and giant eyes of green
in the fall of '42 she packed her bags
and sailed accross the sea
and when she got off the boat she got a hotell
in the town of NYC
in the room accross from hers
was a tall dark man
he came all the way from the shores of bombay
sailing on his catamaran
and when his eyes met mary-joe's
the sky lit up with love
so right away they went into his room
and did it in his tub
this story goes on similarly
to the story of barby and ken
a sthe tall dark man knocked up mary joe
and was never to be seen again
seven years later the baby was born
and harry became his name
he was half man and half girl elephant
and a little bit of lion's main
harry is the only elafante
in the entire world
he's still single, ladies
and he wants you to be his girl
so if you want to be harry's girl
all you have to do
send your picture and resume
and harry will get back to you
oh , harry will get back yo you
yeah, harry will get back to YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
The first letter this week if from Matt R. of Swansea, Ma:
ben, the trip sounds awesome. i'm jealous. send me postcards and take
lots of polaroids.
As usual, i do not like sending anything to you, and cirtenly not a postcard. I wasn't going to send you a post card, but then you signed your letter with "xoxox" which I founnd delightful. So, to thank you for your affection, I will send you a post card.
The second letter this week is from Matha P. of Providence, RI:
I have no time to read my email thoroughly right now, but the word
Orlando caught my eye. Get this: the reason I have no time to read my
email is that I'm working on costumes for the Orlando Shakespeare
Since you do not haave time to read my mailing list, I can saay anything I want to about you. Fuck you, you short, weasal-toothed dirty cunt-faced, bitch-assed, snake-tunged whore.
No Love At All,
For the time being, send lots of letters to email@example.com
Now back to where i left off the last letter: at splash mountain...
So I got on splash mountain. It is quite a ride because, you go down small to medium inclines, which you figure is preparing you for "the big one". But between the inclines, there are sometimes up to 10 minutes worth of animatronics and happy music to make you totally forget that you are on such a scary ride. The whole time I'm regretting going on this ride, nervous about that final incline, wondering why the fuck I got on this ride, but yet relaxed and sedated by the Song Of The South song and dance routines. The suddenly, a steep incline. Maybe 50 or 60 feet, probably higher. Thats when I know I'm in for trouble. The incline brings my boat up, and has me looking straight at Cinderella's castle, but my boat is higher up in the air than cinderella's castle, and suddenly the boat tilts forwars and goes flying twards the ground. The drop is soon over. I realised that it wasnt bad at all, in fact that was pretty good. But what really impressed me is that wasn't the end of the rid
So i got out of the boat, and was going to go on more rides, but i was trapped by the Main Street Electrical Parade. The street I needed to go into to get out of the Splash Mountain area had been invaded by walt disney's most popular parade. Now, I probably could have made a run for it and crossed the street, but insted, i went back down the line-less trail, and went down splash mountain 2 more times without getting out of my boat. What sirprised me the most was when I found that there are two different routs your boat can take, and each was has slightly different animatronics, making this a ride well worth repeating. I then left the splash mountain, when on SPACE mountain again, and came back from space to find the park had closed.
I cought the bus back to down town orlando, where i was planning to catch a connecting bus back to my friend Jenny's place, which is where i've been staying. I was saddened to learn that bus back to Jenny's stopped running at 7pm, and it was now after 10pm. So I called Jenny, who doesn't drive, and tried to get a ride. To no avail, as Orlando is bigger than Rhode Island, and Jenny, who all thogh she is techically in the same city, lives 45 minutes away. So I found my way back to Jenny's in the form of a $30 cab. Yay!!!
I got back home after 11pm, and seeing as how i had left for disney at 7am, and had been walking ALL day, i was sore and exausted and reluctant to go again the next day. Well, I woke up a little later in the morning, which was Tuesday Morning, and said "why am I not going for the second day???"""" So I hopped on the bus, transferred to the other bus, and arived at disney around noon. This was too late, because the park opens at 9am, and at the price it costs for a ticket, I'll be damned if I don't stay there the whole damn day. So insted of wasting a day on my ticket, I decided to spend the day at disney out side of the theme parks. Considering cab prices, I figured it would be most worth it to just get a hotel room for wednesday night. I went to disney's Grand Floridian Resort and asked how much their cheepest room was.
"Hail no, bitch. Whats the ceapest room at disney?"
"Hail no, fucka. Do you know of any cheaper hotels near disney?"
"Yes I've seen some hotels just out side disney for as cheap as 30 or 40 bucks a night, and many of them have free shuttles to and from disney."
This sounded like just what I wanted. I figured i would go reserve a room later, but it was hot, and first I needed a swim. I went into a bathroom, changed into my bathing suit, swam around the pool, and chilled in the hot tub of this 400 dollar a night hotel, with out paying a dime.
I swam for about an hour and a half. I remember staying at a hotel else where at disney called The Contemarary when I was a little kid, and in the back you could rent speed boats. So I took the monorail over that hotel and rented a speed boat.
I was going to go next a rent a hotel room, but it started raining, so I went back home to Jenny's, never renting the hotel. I was really dissapointed that I wasn't in the park for the day, because 2 days of rained out lines would have been magnafique, but alas I wasn't.
Wednesday, the next morning, was unseasonablly nice. Well, unseasonable if I was still in Rhode Island. It aperently snowed again in Rhode Island, but in Orlando it was very sunny and plesent.
I am going to hurry through the next couple of days, so here is a quick journal of my vacation from wednesday, March 21st through right now, being monday, April 2nd.
LANCE'S VACATION JOURNAL:
-Woke up on time, took buses down to disney
-Decided to start day at MGM
-While waiting in line for the bus to MGM Studios, I cut the line. Some guy said "hey buddy, theres a line here." I ignored him, and then he said "for all i know this guy doesn't speak english." Everybody laughed, then he continued. "our buddy here is french." Every body laughed. I proceeded to get on the bus before him.
-Went on MGM animation tour, had a bacon double cheeseburgber for lunch, Star Tours, Backlot tour, took bus to epcot, went on test track, body wars, mexico boat ride, norway boat ride
-Next i went over to the new disney park, Animal Planet. I went over to a new ride called Dinosaur, and proceeded to vut the line. Some people started to give me a hard time, but then said it was OK that I cut, so I didn't get thrown out of line.
-went on raft ride just before it closed, went to magic kingdom, went on jungle safari, flying dumbos, ceramonious last ride of Splash Mountain, park was closed when I came out, but i left very happy. Took boat from magic kingdom to bus area. A group of young girls had me take their group picture.
-FINDING A HOTEL: i needed a hotel. I found a shuttle to holiday inn, so i was going to get on but they wouldn't let me because I wasn't a guest yet. I got on the bus to Howard Johnson, and spent the night there.
THU, MAR 22:
-had crappy continental breakfast
-tookshuttle back to disney to visit Disney Water Parks
-went to Typhoon Lagoon, paid 30 bucks to get in to here and the other water park, Blizzard Beach.
-Typhoon Lagoon was pretty cool. They had wave acation pool, and a lot of water slides. They also had a shark tank, which I went snorkeling through. Snorkeling was fun.
-I left to go to blizzard beach
-Annoying bus transfers, took an hour and a half to take half mile trip between two water parks. When I got there, they told me I had paid 30 bucks to only have access to the other water park and that I couldn't come in. I said that the other park wasnt worth 30 bucks, and got mad. After a dispute with the disney people, I left angry.
-Cought bus back to Jenny's
-Talking to the cab driver who drove me home on Monday Night, he incouraged me to go down to Ft. Laudedale. So on friday, i hopped on a bus and went down to Ft Lauderdale. It was a 5 hour ride.
-A jamaicain cabbie brought me to my hotel, where i arrived at about 1am, and promptley went to sleep.
SAT, MARCH 24:
-Had Breakfast at a nice diner
-Asked around about how to taake bus to the beach, found it no problem.
-Found people in Ft Lauderdale to be extrordinarily NICE!
-Dissapointed to find that beach, although it was spring break, was nothing like the spring break presented in my Girls Gone Wild videos.
-Walked up and down beach, Got Sun Burned
-Bought a new brand of cigar
-turned out to be a shitty cigar
-Took bus home.
-Learned that the people of Ft Lauderdale may seem nice, but they will turn around and snap at the snap of a finger. Ft Lauderdale is just one big dysfunctional family.
-I was going to go to a strip club but i decided i didn't want to deal with the people in this town anymore.
-Went home, watched spice channel through wavey lines. It was scrambled, but i could make out some nice things anyways.
-Went to sleep
-Went back to beach
-Wanted to rent Jet Ski but didn''t have enough money.
-Got some REALLY good pizza.
-Got some sandles
-Got some strawberry chease cake ice cream, which was really good
-Went back to hotel a bit early because of reduced Sunday bus schedual
-Watched Steve Martin Host the Oscars
MONDAY, MARCH 26:
-Time to go back to orlando
-Had trouble getting a cab
-Cab got lost, didn't know where bus station was
-Eventually, got on bus, took some nyquil and arrived safely back in orlando
-When I got off the bus, i headed outside to catch a city Bus back to jenny's. Some one just standing there said "Excuse me. Are you Lance RomaÒce??" It was a friend of mine from Berklee, named Paul. He lives in Orlando and was picking up his brother who had taken the bus back from West Palm.
-Paul gave me a ride back to Jenny's
-Jennny wasn't home
-Jenny came home with in an hour
-Took it easy for rest of night.
Tuesday, March 27th, through Thursday, March 29th:
-I just took it easy around orlando for the next few days. I wrote a few songs, and went for a few walks with jenny and smoked a few cigars.
-Jenny's friends took me to the airport
-I have always been scared to fly, and was very nervous.
-Hopped on plane to Austin
-I REALLY enjoyed the 3 hour flight, and am no longer scared of flying. In fact, i am looking forward to my next flight.
-Met friend Javed M. in Austin Airport
-Took bus to University of Texas, where we would both stay with Kyle D. in his dorm.
-We went over to a hip part of austin called "6th Street." I went to a cigar shop where they made their own cigars. I had one and it turned out to be one of the best cigars I've ever had. It was rom a place called Babaloo's, or smotheing like that.
-Went back to kyle's, watch tv.
-An add for some new Girls Gone Wild videos came on TV. I went to the web site and ordered the videos, so they should be at my house when I get home.
-Kyle D's room mate didn't come home that night, so I slept in his room mate's bed
SATURDAY, MARCH 31st
had a BIG breakfast, went to some record stores, went to 6th street again. Just walked around austin most of the day really. We went down to some creek where 4 people were masacured in the mid 1800s, and just hung out.
SUNDAY, APRIL 1st 2001:
Javed left early in the morning to go back to College Station, TX where he miserbaly attends Texas A&M. Me and Kyle had breakfast at a nice restaraunt called Star Seeds here in Austin. They were very nice. I had a texas dish called Chicken Fried Chicken. I wanted Chicken Fried Steak but they were all out of it. I also had some southern Hash Browns, which are very diffrent from the things called hash browns they have at mcdonalds, or in your grocer's freezer section. I then split off from kyle, who had home work to do. I wondered around austin, cutting trough some suburban areas. I went to some record stores, then wentto a movie theater and saw "Pollock." It was ok, but not great. After the movie, me and kyle went out and had some of that famous texas BBQ. I had some delicuos beef ribs, its true what they say about how they just don't make them like this up north. They were REAL good. Then, after dinner, i saw the midnight showing of "Requium For A Dream," which i thought wa
MONDAY. APRIL 2nd:
That is today. I just woke up, and am writing this mailing on Kyle's computer while he is at class, afterwhich I will go around Austin and do more exploring, go to more record stores, and have dinner at a place where they serve Chicken Fried Steak.
TOMARROW: TUSDAY APRIL 3RD:
I will be flying out to LANCE VEGAS!!!!!! Lance Vegas, where, where antees are high and panties stay low, is near the last leg of my trip, and I do not know when I will be leaving. I will write you again after Lance vegas, as i do not expect to have much computer access while I'm there.
Until next time, keep your antees high and your panties off. And to all you fuckas in Ithica, NY, i will be visiting promptly after lance vegas. See you ina few weeks!!! Remember, send your letters to firstname.lastname@example.org
Thank you for reading this issue of tha Lance Romañce Mailing List. To subscribe, send an email to email@example.com with the word "Subside" in the subject. For back issues, and just more entertainment, visit www.GiantRats.com.
comercial use or mass emails using the names and/or email addresses of subscribers to this mailing list is strictly forbidden
©2001 Lance Romañce All Rights Reserved
this mailing is anti-dave mathews