193: Lance Hits The High Way
Hi everybody!!! Your good pal here, writing you from the road. "The Road??" That's right, Lance romance has packed his bags and hit the road. Remember a few issues ago and I told you about my dream vacation???? Where I would go to new york, then to Memphis, then to Florida???? Well, Iím not on that vacation. So forget about it. The problem with that vacation is I would have no where to stay when I got to Memphis. So instead, here is my vacation itinirary in a little piece I callÖ
NATIONAL LAMPOONíS LANCE ROMANCE VACATION
INTRODUCTION TO VACATION
Well, I have been in Providence my entire life. Providence is ok and all, but I am getting so god damned bored with the ol'town. I sit around every day, jobless and getting fat, watching The View and OprahÖ I was totally turning into Peggy Bundy. Though that might seem like the easy life, its really quite tedious and boring. Through a series of well-thought-out questions, I determined the best thing to do is to take my self a muther fuckin vacatione. In less than a week, I was ready to hit the road. Thus, with "A Leage Of Theair Own" as my inspiration, I began my journey
In the past, I've told you many times about places I've been planning to go to, but then I would never go. Remember when I tried to move to Los Angeles????? Well, I figured the only way to truly and effectively go on vacation and not back out was not to tell you guys until I had hit the road. Thus, I am all ready in New York. I came in on Friday morning, and since I have been back and forth between Brooklyn and Manhatten. I came up that day spacificly to go to an all night rave. Some pals of mine, list members Nate D. and E.A.R, took me down to a place in Jamaica, Queens where the party started a little after 11pm and ended a little after 8 am. The rave was fun, but it was expensive, and there wasn't as much dirty dancing as I was hoping for. It was a Synthetic Trance Rave, which means every one there was in a trance and was just dancing by them selves pretty much. I also had trouble because I am just not fit enough to dance for 9 hours straight. It was lots and lots of fun n
I spent the next 36 hours after the rave hanging out with good pal Nate D. at Columbia University. This could potentially been a blast except for the fact that I became yeast infection stricken. Though I am not sure what I have exactly, a back breaking cough, a fire starting sneaze, a floom coming out of my runny nose and head splitting head aches have been just some of the symptems which have been keeping in bed for my vacation thus far. Hence, my trip has been largely uneventful thus far. I do feel better today, as I am just down to coughing and a less-runnier nose. I am currently in the home of my good pal Lani R. in Brooklyn, writing this mailing list on her computer, listening to a johnny cash tape, and awaiting the chance to move on to my next destination. Lani's phone has been ringing off the hook and its driving me crazy. Its probably the IRS.
Now, I hate banks, they drive me crazy I donít have a bank account, which relieves me quite significantly from both deubt and stress from dealing with the bank. But, I figured I should open one for my vacation so that if I get stuck some where, my mutha could put some money in. We opened the account with $100, and they told us that the bank card would arive in 2 to 3 days. Well they lied. And if I wanted to go to the rave on Friday night I would have to leave with out it. My mutha is forwarding the bank card up to me as soon as it comes, so I am waiting here for the mailing the hopes that it will be here. If it does, I am going to get a 6:00 bus at the Port Athority down to the next leg of my vacation.
I hope that the warmth down there is able to take care of my cold. Hold on, the mail is here... Well, no bank card today, so I am probably stuck here another day. I will call home after I finnish this mailing list. Anyhoo, next stop is Olando. I will be staying with my good pal Jenny M, who is also a list member. I plan on visiting local theme parks and beaches, and partaking in near by spring break activities. I have been watching the wether channel and its been in the 70s and 80s down there, so going to some water slide parks seems likely. Also, I hope to find some spring break which will hopefully have better dirty dancing. I hope to stay there for about 2 weeks or so. Unfortunately, the 22 hour bus ride will have to wait until I get that bank card.
I donít know much about Texas but my pal list member Javed M. goes to school there. He hates it, but I figure as long as I know somebody there I might as well go there, just so I can say I went. I am also hoping that the bus from Orlando to Texas will stop in birming ham. I want to go to birming ham for just a few minutes, just a couple small minutes, so that I can go to a local restaurant and get myself some Grits. There is scene in the movie "MY Cousin Vinney" in which Joe Pecci goes to a restaurant in alabamma and ends up ordering some grits. As your dear Lance Romance is hevily influenced by movies, your deer Lance Romance has decided he wants to copy Joe Pesci and have some grits. This, as well as mention of grits in a song by the beach boys are why I want to stop in birmingham for just a few minutes. I donít want to stay there. I donít know any body there so I couldn't afford it, and also I am afraid they would try to lynch my yankee ass. So if the bus doesnít stop there,
That's right, I am 100% going to Lance Vegas. I donít know any one there, but I don't care. I am going to get a hotel, and just gamble and gamble and gamble. I have a book on black jack that I am going to try to read on the way that will help me to win, and I fully intend to become a millionaire while in town. I will stay in Lance Vegas for as long as it takes for me to reach this goal. I also intend to find Don Rickles.
ITHICA, NEW YORK
>From what I hear, I have a rather large fan base at Cornell University. Thus, I will stop there on my way back and take every one out for drinks.
As you may or may not know, your dear Lance has a strong intrest in ghosts. I fully know for a fact that there are a such things as ghosts, and Gettysburg, where many of the most important cival war's events took place, is said to be the most haunted town in the entire country. Ghosts left over from the civil war still remain all over this historic town. Some can be seen, some can be heard, and some can be felt. I will stay with my pal, non list member Sarah G, who attends Gettysburg College which, in the civil war, sereved as a hospital. And hospitals back then either ment Amputation or being "thrown in the pile." This will is intended to be the last origional stop on my vacation.
Well, that's all I have planned so far. How ever, things could easily change. I am still trying find myself hospitallity for a few days in Los Angeles and Chicago. Also, if you are in a town I am not visiting, by all means let me know, because I would love to come and visit. My entire trip should last from about 4 to 6 weeks, at which point I have no immediate plans.
I just talked to my father, and my card has been fed exed up here and will arrive here tomarrow morning, so I will be in new york for one more nite. But while I am here, I will se you later. So long, have a good night, and enjoy my vacation.
The Reason You're impotent,
Lance Romance Vegas
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