192: Robotic Maids: Why Their Not Worth It
Good morning, suckers. Here I am, sending out another mailing lisp on thith earwy wendsday morning. Though to me, it is REALLY late on monday night (thats right, two days ago!) so I am going to send this brand new issue of the Lance Romañce Mailing Bitch out and then get me some pink eye.
As many of you know, I Have a messy room. I am naturally very messy, so having a clean place would be un natural for me. None the less, I would prefer to have a cleaner place, largely for the purpose of impressing girls. Well, after months and years of asking girls to clean up my crib, I had no luck. So, I saved up my money and I bought a robotic maid. Remember Rosie from The Jetsons??? It was just like that. I got a robot made that beeped when she moved and talked when she had something to say. I payed $15,000 for the old bessie, and let me tell you she wasn't worth a dime.
She started out ok. First things she did when she got to my pad was introduce herself. We talked for about and hour or two, just getting aquainted. Then rosie did the dishes, and made a nice T-Bone Steak. That was the crappiest steak I ever had, It was very mushy, a slush puppy would have been tougher, and it tasted like rotten oranges. But I have clean dishes now, so thats nice. Well, they don't really do any good any more because the old bessie ate all the damn food. Not literally, of corse. She just keeps it all inside her for easier access, and apparently control too. Aperntly, shes decided that I should go on a diet, so all i can have is what she wants me to have when she wants me to have it, and when she does feed me it sucks.
Then she starts cleaning the apartment. Oh man, oh man, oh man, I used to think my mother threw everything out, but I've reconsidered since the old bessie has taken over. Old school papers, tapes, nintendo games... Thats right she threw out all my origional nintendo games!!! Aperently they are too old and unsightly. She felt my Nintendo 64 was modern enough to keep, but she locked it up so she could ration my playing time. This woman robot is driving me nuts! and bolts!!! And if she thought my nintendo games were old and out dated, just wait till she got to my record collection!!!! I had to say goodbye to goodbye yellow brick road, as well as all the rest of my estimated 5,000 records.
The situation gets worse. Next came cleaning the closet, and let me tell you I didn''t like this one bit. You all know that I have a very fine collection of t-shirts, hats, and even a couple pairs of pants. Well, the old bessie took them all to the salvation army, then went to the gap to get me a new word robe!!! ARRGGHH!!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS HEAP OF SCRAP METAL?????
Yesterday I mailed her back to the company I ordered her from, which incidently was the Grow-A-Frog company. I got my money back, but only for the cost of getting her, not for all the money she ended up costing me. Though I by all means should of, i was apperntly waived Grow-A-Frog's responsability when I signed an aggreement they had me sign when I bought her. Thats my experience with robotic maids, and let me tell you, they are just plum not worth it.
I wait around all week for a call from the RISD Store. I would go out in the afternoon usually, leaving my job nabbing to my answering machine. Well, as late in the buisness week as possable, friday night, I discover that my answering machine is disconnected. I do not know how long its been disconnected, so it could have been discoonected all week for all i know. So I probably had some jobs call me up durring the week telling me they were desperately waiting for my good looks and irrisistiddilyiddable charm to show up at work, but they were un able to reach me. So being the good natured fellow I am, I took it upon myself to go down to the RISD Store to inqure as to weather or not I had won their affection. Good news folks: I didn't get hired. Though that might not sound like good news, I said it would be good news to make a joke. And, the fact that I made a joke is of corse very good news.
So anyhoo, the search for new work continues and is stepping up. Today I got a few applications, and tomarrow I will get a few more. In the mean time, PLEASE buy my new cd because i really need money. You can buy it at my website at www.GiantRats.com or at In your ear or Tom's Tracks or at Mars Records on 299 newberry st in boston. Or just send money to me. My address is:
PO Box 2306
Providence, RI 02906
The first letter this week is from Adirenne S. of Typho, Id:
I heard that you are in want of a new secretary because the old one
broke. i myself am not a secretary so I cannot be your secretary, but maybe
the new secretary could be your mom?
First off, I never had an old secratary, so it never broke. This is the first tiem I've ever attempted to hire one. Secondly, hire my mom???? You obviously haven't tried my mom's roasted chicken. I'm looking for a girl who can COOK!!!! Or at least one I can have sexual relations with, and we both know quite well that incest always ends in tragedy.
The second letter is from Jenny. M of Mtv Beachehou, SE:
Hello I have been meaning to respond to your mailing list for quite some time however Florida is soo great I hardly have the time but here I am none the less and I would like to adress some of your issues such as the resolution to be more sexually harrasing that is just the best thing I heard in years, I am glad to hear that you were successfull in getting fired from your job at the Brown University Bookstore, CONGRATULATIONS!!! So you should go hang around Wings To GO on Thayer ST. The guys there accept for GABE(the fag that kicked me out) are all usually quite cool and if you do stupid things for them like run to store 18 for some smokes or something they will "hook you up" try to avoid LAte friday nites, as it is usually filled with obnoxious drunk Frat Boyz I find these people the Most annoying specimines of human life. or what ever they call themselves these days. and the workers there generally hate frat boys so they are usually in a bad mood at these times.
On another note some of your former coworkers should be fired for sexual harrasment, they send me total smut on the internet, and these are your former managers and bosses, possibly your, chain smoking, secret santa from last years holiday season. I'm not saying any names but you get the Idea, if you can give me written permission I will forward some samples to you.
I recieved a wonderfull unexpected phone call last night from a former fiance. We had a wonderful conversation about the Lance Romance web site, and he mentioned that there are some older ones that are laugh out loud funny, I wonder if you tell me how to get access to these, as I aready laugh out loud and would like to se the "really funny ones" well enough from me for one day be cool don't do drugs, have sex with strangers and always remember no one is stranger than you
that girl that you left at McCoy staduium in the rain on our "wedding day" I
Talk about run on sentances. Sistah, there were so many run ons in that letter I thought I was at the boston marathon for a moment.
As for find old mailing lists, go to the www.GiantRats.com and click on the button up top that says "Lance Romañce Mailing List Archive." There you will find all the old mailing lists, including all the ones from the hillarious summer of 1998.
PS. I've told you a million times, the wedding was to be at fenway park. Do you know how much it costs to rent out Fenway Park for a wedding??? Well, you don't know crying in the rain until you've spent the money to rent Fenway Park for your wedding and then your bride never shows up. Move up to the big leagues and pay attention.
If you look at people like Elvis, and watch the excitement and controversey surrounding him, its really quite something. The way the kids love him and everyone else seems to hate him. To be a pioneer in a new kind of music. Elvis is kind of amazing because he came accross as quite rebelious, but yet get lots of media attention, and was quite charming, makinging him a teen idol. Being able to attract both rebels and teeny boppers is quite something. The excitement that surrounded frank sintra, the beatles, led zeppelin and most recenly kurt cobain, never quite matched up to when Elvis first appeared in the 1950s. None the less, the kind of excitement that surrounded all of these groups is an excitement i wouldn't mind having around my self. One of the most important aspects of being gigantic is that parents have to hate its, it has to get bad reviews. Anyone over 30 shouldn't be lissening to it. But these days, we've reached the limits. Music can't get louder, or more offensive. Heavy Metal reached its peak, its what today's parents lissended to so they don't mind it. Now hip hop is bigger than ever because so much of it is so offensive. So, considering this, the parents of tomarrow won't be very easy to offend. They will have heard it all, so what way is there left to make parents mad??? How does one attract a rebelious teen youth to be come super huge???? Well, your sweet beloved Lance Romañce has figured it out. Ladies and gentlemen, please raise your hand now if you love easy listening! Most of you would rather catch on fire than listen to easy listening. I, on the other hand love it, and declare it as the wave of the future. The fact that you hate it is exactly my point because you are one of tomarrow's parents. I say, why lissen to something so hard on the ears when you can lisent to something easy. Just kick back, take it easy, relax. In fact, thats going to be the slogan for the next generation. "Relax." Parents used to say to "turn off that racket". The parents of tomarrow will say "turn off that sissy shit." But wait, theres more!!! Once nice and easy going music is the thing, people will live longer!!! Everyone will have a much lower rate of strokes and ulcers, crime will go down, and everyone will be nicer to each other. Tomarrows genereation will be a generation pussy cats, and you will hate them, and i will be there leader. Of course, as all great eras end as quick as they start, as I will suffer a fatl suiscide in 2010. After that, life will just kind of fade out and the banks will all (for) close.
By far the largest and most bigamist reason I took this mailing list on such a long hiatus was an increasingly humungus brief case of writers block. Boy, did I have bad writers block.
"How bad was it?"
It was so bad that, well, when it rached its peak this past fall... Well, you see, I made some tapes that i was going to give to friends of mine. Just some mix tapes I had made. Well, I had finished the tapes, and put the stickers on the tapes, and all i had to do was give them some sort of titles. Now, its not hard to come up with a title for a mix tape. I could have a clever name like "Music To Hop Trains By" or even something real blunt anbd stupid like "Oldies," and then I could have called the other tape "Oldies II". Thats not to hard to think of. I could have just written "Hello" or anything, so that the tape could be identified. Well, my writers block was so bad I couldn't even write anything down. Nothing. One of the tapes was a copy of a tape I had made a year earlier, and I had all ready titled it "Ben's Favorite Songs." My writers block was so bad that I couldn't even copy something i had all ready written!!! Oy vey, is that bad. I ended up just drawing horizontal lines on one tape and vertical lines on the other. I couldn't say anything so i just made lines. You see, writers block isn't nessisarily not being able to think of anything. I've had that before, and thats not all so bad. What I had this time was just extrordinary extrordinary extrordinary paranoia. No confidence what so ever. I just thought that every word I wrote was horrable, and people were going to hate me because of it. There were times when I could spend up to 20 minutes trying to write to someone I bought something from on ebay to say something so simple as "How much will shipping be?" Writing something that simple became near impossable for me me to write and acaused me a lot of pressure. You can imagine if had so much trouble writing something so simple, how much trouble I would have sending out another one of these mailing lists.
Well, eventually it got so bad that it just kind of snapped, just went away. Not completely of course... I'm still not totally recovered. I'm still working my way back to normal... It takes a long time to completely get rid of case as severe as what I had. Your encouragement is very helpful, so all the letters you send in, wether they say anything of value or not, its just nice to get letters that let me know your even still reading my mailings, its all greatly appreciated, and its what is allowing me to be able to recover. So thank you to every one who has written in. There are a lot of reasons i have figured out that probably caused such bad writers block, and there are a lot of reasons I was able to start writing again, but i'm not going to get in to that yet. But i don't know. Its nice to have this mailing list up and running again, eh??
Any ways, thats all for this week. Join me again next week when my guests will be Sterling Hideaway and Don Rickles. I hope to also tell you about my new adventures in cigar smoking. I also help to tell you that I've found a job. I also hope that you will buy my new record because I really really need money. Really really really really. Well, until next time, have a nice day.
Dale Earnhardt's Chiropractor,
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