191: Children & Fire Crackers: Why I Love To Blow Up Children
2:11:01 6\31Nite
Good evinoing, johnnys and janes. Lance Romañce back again fo' the rebound tip. Flying at you at lighting speed, this mailing list is ready to get it on. So, come on in, and lets get it on.

Last Tuesday I donated blood. As the Rhode Island Bllod Center frequently holds blood drives at neer by BRown University, I stopped in and offered my services. Just think how lucky some one must feel to have Lance Romañce's blood flowing through their warm heart. When I went in, they asked me for some ID, and gave me a form to fill out. Then off to the interview, where they took my pulse and blood pressure, and took a small prick of blood from my finger to make sure i had enough iron in my blood for donating to be a healthy choice for me. Everything was well and good, so I was off to the operating table. While they liquered up my arm, the lady told me all the things not to do after donating blood.
"After donating, leave the bandage on for at least 4 hours. Drink plenty of fluids for the next 24 hours, drink more than you would normally drink. If you smoke don't smoke for at least an hour after giving blood. Don't drink alcohol for at least an hour. Refrain from any strenuous activity..."
"No strenuous activity??!!" I questioned. "Well, so much for donating sperm today."

Unfortianately, i thought of that clever little answer about 10 minutes too late. I will be sure to make good use of it next time though. You know, donating blood isn't bad at all. It doesn't really hurt, its just the fear of it hurting that really scares people. The trick to getting shots and blood work done with ease is to look away when they are doing it. I mentioned that they took my pulse and blood pressure. In case you are wondering, they are 68 and 132/85 respectively.

At my www.GiantRats.com web site, I have just posted two brand spankaling new MP3s of lance romañce songs you've never herd. I took down A Day In The Life and The Offensive To Women Song, and replaced them with the brand ne 808 Boogie and The Manbeard Ballet.
808 Boogie was a song I recorded last sunday with out using any microphones. I plugged the bass and guitar right into the mixer and played over a drum machine. The drum machine i used is the same the beastie boys used on their first album, the TR-808, which was the most popular drum machine in rap in the 1980s. Hence I call it 808 Boogie. It is kind of a surf/chuck berry style instrumental piece, and one of the few songs i've done with distortion. Due to poor wiring choices on my part, I ended up with a lot of hiss. This song will be rerecorded one of these days, but the demo i've poster i really like a lot. So check it out.
The other song is called The Manbear Ballet. As some of you may recall, my new years eve concert this year included somewhat of a battle between me and another band callee Manbeard. This is a song about that band. The chorus, which just repeats the phrase "Man Beard's Here" was concieved by Manbeard front man Dave LiFriri, a good pal of mine. I took that phrase, put some "cha chas" over it, wrote some lyrics and some music and made it into a ballet. Again I had problems with poor wiring choices so their is a lot of hiss, but its ok. This song is pretty much done.

Well, the first order of business this week, i suppose, is to tell you about my job interview I had on Monday, which i mentioned last week I would be having. My interview was at the RISD Store, a book store tailored for the needs of students at localart school Rhode Island School of Design. RISD, founded in 1902 by hungarian imigrants, RISD has been school to such famous arteests as the Talking Heads, Martin Mull, Dale Chahuli, They Might Be Giants, my father and Dwight D. Eisenhower. My interview went all right. I went into the office that day and said "I 'm here for the 2:00 interview."
"I'll be with you in a moment," said the lady, who seemed nice, and who seemed to enjoy her job.
"OK," i responded to her, dreary eyed, and covered in snow from the outside snow storm. I had been up barely an hour, but had gotten myself dressed, showered and shaved for this interview. I waited patiently outside her office til she called me in. She explained to me that the job was a temp job, as they need extra people for book rush when the students start their new simester in a few weeks. They are looking to hier 5 or 6 people to stay on tempirarily for 4 to 6 weeks, and of those people, two will be selected to stay on full time. I responded honestly as i could. "I worked a book rush at the Brown Bookstore," I told her, "and ended up staying a year and a half." This i felt was a good answer because it showed i knew how to work with students, i know how to handle a book rush, and I feel made me a likely canidate to stay on. The woman then scrolled down my application and seemed delighted when she went over the edumacation portion and noticed I went to Berklee College of Music.
"Oh! Your a musician," she exclaimed witha valuptuous smile. "What do you play?"
"Well, drums mainly, then some bass, and then a litrtle bit of everything, but drums first." I said this in kind of a show offy manor. Nothing good or bad about this.
"Whay do you want a job at the RISD store?" was her next question.
"Well, its a job I know how to do, so I'm quite comftrable" which was an ok point, but then I went on with "Also, most of the people I would be dealing with will be my age." The way i said it, I kind of made it like this was the more important point. I kind of regret saying it, i think it was kind of a stupid thing to say. But I got a friendly nod of agreement from her, which was re-assuring. Unfortuantely, I went on to emphasise that point by saying something just plain dumb "I've worked in placed before with people who are a lot older and it wasn't as nice." Or something similer to that, That was just dumb of me, but it was the lowest point of the interview. An interview which continued with the following question:
"How will you be getting to work?"
"By foot," I declared, "I live about ten minutes that way." Those were my exact words, and I pointed in the dirrection of my house when I said "that." I probably live a bout 4 minutes actually, but 10 minutes seemed like a safe thing to say since I havent timed it. But again, I just couldn't stop. I went on by saying "One thing about me is that if any body calls in sick or they can't make it to work cause of the snow or something, I can always come in on short notice." There isn't a store manager in the world who wouldn't melt like butter over that line, making it the interview's high point.
"Oh, maybe we could use you tomarrow," was her delightful response, which I think was a very good sign.
"Ok," I said with pleasure as she continued:
"Just kidding." Did you here that??? She told me i could start tomarrow than said Just Kidding!! A jokester, she is. This is my kind of woman!!!! Its still a good sign. She then proceeded to tell me what to do if I can't make it, which is to call in and talk to a person, don't not call or just leave a voice mail. This was the same proceedure as at any store, i Told her i wasn't usually late, though she might not have noticed I said that. But when she was finished saying all that, I paused for a second before coming up witha good response.
"Why don't I get that number now, just in case." This showed that I was responsable and thought ahead. She seemed happy I asked, which was a very good sign, and tried to write her number on a business card. Her pen didn't work, so I pulled a pen out of my pocket and let her use my pen, which though that doesn't do much, i see that as a posative thing.
"Do you have any questions?" was her last question.
"I had thought of one I wanted to ask, and ive been thinking about it for the past 2 or 3 days, but now i get a chance I just can't remember what it was." This was a slightly negative thing, but not really, because I feel i had proven myself well in the interview. I went into that interview confident I would get the job, and so I was very calm and relaxed. Over all, I'd say it was a very good interview. She didn't tell me if i got this job, which starts at a whopping 8 bucks an hour, and if i stay on after rush I get benifits, but she told me she had a maybe 3 or 4 interviews left and so shed let me know in a day or two. We shook hands and "I said "nice to meechya" as I smiled and went back out side into the cold snow.
So i waited the next few days. And waited. Tuesday. Thursday. Wednesday. Tuesday. Friday. Thursday. No calls. From any body! On friday, I took the initiative to follow up on my interview. I went down to the store, and asked the lady who interviewed me if shed maid any decisions yet. She said she still had one more interview left, but she would let me know soon, and thanked me for stopping by. I figured it took them a month just to read my application and call me in for an interview, so this wasn't sirprising. I said thank you and left, pleased that my job was still pending,
I decided that while I was there, I should check another job I applied for on the same street. I had applied athe the Cable Car Cinema & Cafe 2 weeks earlier, but kind of pushed the idea aside when I got called in for an interview at the RISD store. I hadn't heard from them yet, so I stopped in and inquired. What they told me is the job would start in 2 or 3 weeks, when RISD students start their new simester, so he hasn't started interviewing yet, but he will soon. He then asked me if i had an answering machine, which I do, so he was pleased. I was pleased too because it was nice to know I have at least two jobs pending. Both of these jobs cator largely to art students, which will be wonderful, because I've been working Ivy League students at Brown for too long and art students will be a blessing. But I guess RISD has a vacation , so there is no sense hiering before or in the middle of vacation because niethert of these places will make enough money at that time to pay lots of new help, or enough customers to adiquitely train new help with.
I might actually try to take on both jobs if I can. I would do the RISD store full tame durring the day, then work at the Cable Car part time a few days a week. This would be nice cause I really need to pay a lot of people back who have been helping me through my unemployment, I have to pay bills, I will meet more people, I will get more experience, and if one of the jobs doesn't pull through for some reason, I will still have another one. The risd store, I am being higherd only as a temp, so there is a chance a could loose my job after a few weeks. I am pretty sure that I will stay on, why on earth would they get rid of me???? They need me. The cable car seems a bit iffy though, and I can't expect to get that job. The reason is that it involves cafe work, which I haven't done before. I don't really know much about sandwiches or coffee, which is most cirtenly a draw back. But I like the place a lot and would love to work there, so I am going to try any ways.

One fellow of mine named Joe suggested to me I get a job at Amtrack. Wow!!!! Thats a brillient idea!!!! Can you imagine me collecting tickets??? And i would get to go to new york and washington every single day. It something i might actually look into.

The first letters this week is from Amy M. of Glacome, Ma. Amy sent me three letters each containing one sentance, so I will answer them as one letter:

The little mermaid is the best movie ever. did you sing all of the songs?
-Amy
I'm going to San francisco soon. I need candles. Or maybe I'll like the dark.
what do you think?
it's too cold to swim

Dear Sexually Arousing Amy,
You know you are my little mermaid. You are so much more beutiful than that whore in the movie. And you are much smarter too. I can't wait to go to san fransisco with you, where we will make love under the golden gate bridge, and make passionate whoopie while riding the street cars. Have you ever gone ice swimming??? When you get back we will go iskinny dipping in the frozen scituate resivoire.
Love,
Lance

The second letter is from Emily S. Siphol, IS:

Dear Lance,
I am very glad that Grey Poupon won the mustard challenge, because
French's "mustard" sucks. I refuse to eat anything so yellow. Sylvia says
that she once saw an actual person offering Grey Poupon out of a car window.
I think more people should do that.
I am also glad that you go to Bickfords. Not only is it an excellent place
to go, but Carissa deserves some company. What a wonderful fellow you are.
Love,
Emily

Dear Emily,
That was just a gag articale. To be honest I don't like mustard at all. I am more the katsup kind of guy. Is there a such thing as a gormet katsup???? Grey poupon does make excellent bottles to throw at losers, I give them that.
Love,
Lance

Keep sending in those letters and getting more subscribers. You know, I tend to send out better lists when more people subscribe and write letters.

Many of you may recall that my new years resolution last year was to sexually hurass girls more. What I learned is that, believe it or not, girls just plum don't mind sexual hurassment. They are used to it and expect it, and are sometimes even flattered by it. You can joke all you want with agirl about getting her to sleep with you, but what girls really hate is when you hurass them about cooking. Its true. If you want to get in good witha girl, never try to get her too cook for you, especially if you don't know her to well. For some reason, girls find this highly offensive. Ladies prefer to be looked at as a piece of meat rather than cooking a piece of meet. TV has always tought the other way around, but this strange but true fact is something to keep in mind. Like wise, if you really want to impress a girl, you can knock her socks off literally by cooking her a fine dinner. The lesson is do the cooking your self if you want your relationship to really get cooking. You know, I've thought about making my next album more about how i want girls to cook for me, but i would loose my entire female audience, as well as their boy friends who wouldn't be allowed to lissen to it. How ever, when girls are coming on to you and ready to get a movin, it is always funny to try and stop them and say "hey, not until you cook me dinner." I call that the al bundy approach.

You know, there are a number of questions that i would like to have asked the lady at my interview, but i refrain from doing because I figure I will find out the answer when I start working, and feel I shouldn't ask before i get hired because I don't want to give the impression that I am overly concerned a bout this thing. Here are some of the questions I refrained from asking that reason:
-What kind of music do you play in the store? Can i bring in my own music?
-If i need a day off, is it easy to get a day off?
-Are you hot with that sweater on?
-Is security tight here?
-Do you have itchy tits?
-Is it easy to give my friends discounts?
-Who put the bomp in the Bomp Shoo Bomp?
-Do you ever open up the spray paint cans and breath in the fumes to get high?
-Who put the Ram in the Ram A Lam A Ding Dong?
-Is it ok if i run a prostitution ring from be hind the counter?
-Is this the worst atempt at a comedy piece I've ever put in this mailing list?

On this past friday, I played a very little known concert at Temple Beth-El, a local synagogue. I didn't play any of my songs, but rather, they called me up and asked me to play a Tof drum, a middle eastern drum. They were doing some wacky service where they had hired an entire choruse a piano player, at flutist and a hand drummer, who was me. It went well i guess.

Well, thats the end of that chapter. I will see you again next week when my guests will be Robert Redford, and from the Washington National Zoo, Chin Chin.

Until next time, I'll see you later.

Love,
Your Waiter for This Evening,
Viva Lance Vegas


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