190: Mashed Potatoes
2:3:01 10\58Morn
Good morning, lads and lassies. Lance Romañce here, we;coming you to your weekend with a welcoming welcome from Lance Romañce. I tried going to slkeep at 4 am last night, laid in bed till about 6.30 with out sleeping a wink. So at 7 i went out to Ocean Coffee, a local coffee shop a block away, where i got myself a free breakfast: Blueberry pancakes and a hot choclate. I stayed there till 10 past nine, just talking and hanging out. It is now 9:20 and i stilll have not slept. Being out of work for over a month now, my hours are completely reversing. When I do sleep, I frequently sleep till 4pm or so. What do I do when I am a wake??? Well, not a lot. I usualy go to coean coffee when I get up so i can get fed, then go to the post office to check my mail. I a lot of times will check out the nabor hood and see whos around. I usualy try to be in at 6pm so i can watch reruns of the simpsons. Then i go out again.... I don't do much. As night goes on, i usually call people, and i usually flip through TV stations, trying hard to find something to watch on TV. I watch the news a lot. Letterman and Kilborn are usually high points of the night. After those some times i will watch a video, or make a mix tape. Through out all the day and night, i am back and forth between my stereo, which is nice time killer as well. Late nights are often the time i will check the internet on things. I also try to write a few songs when I can, as I really want to put out two more albums in the near future. I don't do any recording yet. I just write.

On Monday, I do have myself a job interview. It is atthe RISD Store, in which I would be doing the same exact job i did at brown book store, but with a few favorable differences:
-Pay is significantly higher, the lowest possable being $8, but I have experience which could make me a little more
-I don't have to deal with Brown students any more. The Ivy Leagues are being replaced by the pleasurable art students who attend RISD
-Thats all i know so far.

mustard wars:
GREY PPOUPON Vs FRENCH'S
Is Grey Poupon REALLY gourmet??? We tested it with popular French's, the mustard ment for hicks. We ran the mustards through a garage of tests to find an answer. Here is what we found.
The first test was cost. We went out to several major stores and compared prices. We first found that many stores did not carry Grey Poupon, particularly those in poorer regions. The places that did carry it, Grey Poupon was generally $13 more than French's Mustard, and $16 more than the hideous store brand. Not only was the price much higher, the amount of mustard available in a container was significantly less, which means that Grey Poupon is extraordinarily expensive. Grey Poupon won this test with ease.
The second test was the packaging. Grey Poupon, as you know, comes in a beautiful glass container with a shiny white cap. The writing on the bottle is very elegant as well, a navy blue with crowns on either side of the product's name. The bottle also clearly states "made with white whine." That statement alone puts Grey Poupon way ahead of French's obnoxiously bright yellow squirt container. The container doesn't even require a knife, demonstrating the kind of slob this Hyundai of a mustard is ment for.
Thirdly we tested the look of the mustard itself. Grey Poupon, which unlike its mistitled competitor, actually is French, is an elegant pale dark yellow. Almost a tan, it is almost the same color as roasted duck a la mode. Thus, when using the dijon mustard when eating duck, it is almost invisible. French's mustard is the same bright obnoxious banana yellow as its container. Positively atrocious, the victory again goes to 231 year old Grey Poupon recipe.
Like fox hunting, Grey Poupon has proven itself very elegant and lives up to its reputation. French's mustard reminds more remanicent of a bowel movement, and is suitable for your company's mail room clerks. How ever, you yourself should avoid French's at all cost. Grey Poupon is clearly the finer choice.

The first letter this week is from Zara of Zel, Da:

This is Zara (adrienne's friend). Adrienne told me about your website, so i figured, hey, I like email, I like Ben, I bet I'd like getting periodic, random emails from Ben. So...TADA...I'm subscribing for your infamous random newsletter.

Also, thanks for inviting me to your Little Mermaid party....i had a lovely time. I hope all is well with you. See you around.

Zara

Dear Zara,
Its so nice to hear from the little people once in a while. It gets so stuffy up here with all the big shots, its very refreshing to get a real normal plain old small person. And the fact that you appreciate it is twice as refreshing.
You know, i've watched TV shows when partys go wrong. Cosby's Theo Huxtible and Growing Pain's Mike Seaver were two teen agers who i saw throw wild parties, then everything gets ruined, then they had to fix everything before mom and dad got home. Well, I thought I had surpassed that by having a little mermaid party. How could anything go wrong??? Most of the people at the party were calm young ladies sitting and watching, of all things The Little Mermaid. There wasn't any drugs or alcohol, or hot teen idol in the film to make the girls shoot estrogen out of their eyes. None the less, my lazy boy recliner, which was just dandy before the party, is now falling apart and doesn't recline unless you get out of the chair and physicly push the back back and pull out the foot rest, AND my bathroom door no longer closes. None the less, I enjoyed it too. I might have a Monty Python and the Holy Grail Party one of these days, so I hope that you will come. Then again, I might not have one.
Love,
LANCE

The second letter this week if from Carl S. of Tra La La La, La:

dear laenyece,
any time in june would be good for me, since i'll be away later. las
vegas, but by what means of transportation? don't say boat, that would
just be dumb.
love, carl smith

Dear Curley Carl,
Actually, i was going to say boat. By what means would you propose??? Lance Vegas is just too far to go by horse. It would take years!!!! It might be fun to travel by cannon. How much would that cost?
Love,
Lizance

Keep those letters rolling in ladies. Remember: I love getting mail from YOU. And i don't mean plural you, i mean singular you. Please write me soon, sweety pea.

You know, I really do have a bad back. When I was getting ready for my little mermaid party, i was really having a hard time cleaning up because I couldn't really bend over far enough to pick stuff up off the ground. I was having trouble bending over to get stuff off the table. There was one night a week or two ago when I went out with some friends, but i went home early cause I couldn't deal with getting out of the car and sitting back down again, which we were doing a couple times. My back started to do better for a little while, but now the pain is BACK!!! I really need a chiropracter but there is no way i can afford it. Ladies, there is nothing I would love from you more now than a massage. It hurts now when I am sitting up writing this email. If you would come by and give me a massage it would be duely appreciated, and you would get a free copy of my CD. Even if your not good at all at messages, boy, it would still be great. Its not like I'm just sitting here thinking " a massage would be fancy" and dreaming about pretty ladies giving me a massage just because it would be pleasurable. I am in pain now and I need a message now for medical reasons. It would be a very soothing anecdote to the pain I am feeling. This kind of pain will not help me with my new job. If you give me a masage, when I get my job, I will take you to dinner at Al Forno's if you do a good job. Oh man oh man oh man. If you are too far away to give me a massage, at least send me a nice email to keep my spirits up. You know I love you, don't you? Just please please help.

POLOTICS:
I am not much one for football. I only watched the super bowl once, and that was in 1994, when I was in 8th grade. Last Sunday, I was at Bickfords. My nice friend Carrissa is the bartender at Bickfords. Its not a busy bar, there usually isn't any one in there, so I frequently go and keep Carrissa company and she gets me free food. And I don't mean like free crap but delicous, delicous food. Well, I spent last sunday with her, and this sunday happoned to be super bowl sunday. There were a few people in the bar, and a few TVs, so I watched the super bowl. Now I do know a thing or two about football, even though I don't like it. So the game was New York vs. Baltimore. I immediately sided with what was closest to being my home team: New York. Well, as some of you know, the game ended 34 - 7 in Baltimores favor, so it wasn't a very tough game, and was especially boaring,
The high light of the super bowl was a young blind boy named Ray Charles, who played a wonderful rendition of America The Beutiful. While watching him, I started thinking to myself what I would do if i was ever asked to perform at a super bowl. I decided I would not perform because the Suoer Bowl is NOTHING but a big corperate comercial fest. Its too commercial an ordeal for me to support. And further more, the musicians who play at these events are NOTHING but pawns for the advirtisers. The Backstreet Boys came on to sing the national anthem. The backstreet boys??? Do you know any foot ball fans who like the backstreet boys??
How many of you saw the half time show. I must say, it was one of the funniest things I ever saw. I thought it was hilarious. NSYNC, Britneyspears, Nelly, and Mary J Blige all helping aerosmith sing their signature Walk This Way. Now the performance itself was hilarious, but the reasoning behind the conglomerite was not to be seen. Then I figured it out: The Super Bowl is a gigantic audience mainly of men, the biggest audience available to TV advirtisers, so as you know, the shell out billions and billions of dollars to get their commercials aired to such a large audience. Well, this gigantic audience, is not big enough for todays greedy companies. Not enough teen aged girls watch the super bowl. So they put on the back street boys AND NSYNC in one show, not to entertain their audience, but to attract a whole other audience that other wise wouldn't have been watching. But wait!!! The super bowl's REAL audience doesn'ty want to watch NSYNC, so they could change the channel durring the half time show. Well, to prevent them from doing this, they got Aerosmith, which is just the kind of band the people who are watching for the super bowl would most likely like to see. Now you have virtually every target market an advirtiser could want watching the same half time show, make the commercial spots around that half time show twice as valuable than any other spot in any other moment in advertising history. Brilliant marketing, but brillient marketing is a form of evil, so this move is one to be hevily unrespectable, and is to be looked down upon. I hope you all will join me in doing just that.

POLOTICS
Ah, teh california black outs..... a dream come true!!! Well, for some at least. And its spreding through out the west coast, even hitting nevada, including the heavily electric Lance Vegas. Some say it could spread and this whole country could run out of electricity. I don't know exactly how its happening, but it surely is a crises. Remember that essay I wrote a few weeks ago where i told you about the great depression, and how president Hurburt Hoover refused to help the country when it was in need, and then i told you that George W. Bush was justy like hurburt hoover??? Well, george w. bush's response to the west coast electrical crises is exactly the same as hurburt hoovers: The government owes its people nothing. hence, the federal government is not helping. Well, apparently there are deeper reasons for this. You see, there is an electric company in texas that made hundreds of milllions of dollars in donations both to the bush campaign AND to the republican party. This very same electric company is now raking in GIGANTIC profits as a result of the crises on the west coast. And that is the sole reason for bush 's refusal to help, as close friends of his are profiting, and i am sure he is getting a nice cut of that for himself. Now i don't get it. He is so rich as it is, and he sits in one of the most powerful chairs in the entire world, but yet he still needs more money? For what???? I really don't like the George W. fellow. When is he going to get shot all ready???
One of the most intresting things about this is that I didn't learn about this in some small leftist news paper. I learned of this bit from, of all places, the CBS Evening News with Dan Rather. CBS a major television net work, a MAJOR part of the media, which works together with big corperations and the government to fuck over the american people. Apparently, bush's extrordinarily poor behavior is really pissing off some big executives out west who can't get enough electricity if their reporting it now on the cbs evening news.
Can you imagine if there wasn't any electricity left??? Almost every job that is available these dats uses has at least some dependencey on electricity, and with out any electricity, most jobs would lost. Unless Bush steps in and does something, this is absolutely going to wreck complete havoc on our econamy, and we will have another great depression. That essay I wrote is becoming more and more true, and that bitch faced cow boy hasn't even been in offce more than two weeks yet.


Any hoo, thats all for this week. Its now 10 of 11 and i've been writing this mailing list for an hour and a half. So write me in some mail, raise up some bail, and break me out of jail. I also have revised the blurb at the bottom of the email again. Thanks for your patience and see you again next week. Nighty night.

Love,
The Appollo's Janitor,
Lance "Vegas" Romañce


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