189: Viva Lance Romañce
1:29:01 6\03Morn

I am usualy up till about 4 or 5 AM every morning, often quite bored. Right now the garbage truck is outside gathering garbage. There is usually nothing on TV at this hour, not that there is usually something good on at any hour in paticular, especially with out cable. But on saturday night, there is good stuff on TV. Why is this night unlike other nights???? Last night I watched a rerun of saturday night live, with chris rock as host and the walflowers as guests.It was entertaining, but what got to me came on right afterwords: An hour long show on Las Vegas. It described all the big shows currently going, casino security, restaraunt, hotel suites, sigfried and roy, how to get lots of freebies at casinos and hotels, weddings, where to get face lifts and celeberties who are common sight, such as Don Rickles, one of my all time favorites. Now, you know that I love gambling and i love local low stakes video gambling at Lincoln Park, and i LOVE foxwoods casino, but what i really really want to do is meet Don Rickles!!!! Ladies and gentlman, I, Lance Romañce, MUST reach Las Vegas sooner or later. I know most of my vacation plans go bust, but Las Vegas is a place I have to go to or else. So, I must call to action a sapurlative vacation. Lets ALL go to vegas this summer!!! The first mailing list vacation!!!! All of you and me, this summer!!!! I mean, seriously, can you think of a better way to spend your summer??? You can bring friends and shit, who ever you want, but lets seriously plan a mailing list trip to Las Vegas. When would be the best time for everybody???? Let me know.

I like my apartment a lot. Its big and has great location. Its the first time in my life i have really liked where i live. This after living with my parents for 19 and a half years, at berklee for one year, and I have been happy here since last June. There are a few small problems though. Like the kitchen is kind of small, the toilet clogs WAY too easily, its not ment for human shit, and the freezer door doesn't stay on... A small dead end hall way comes out of one side of my living room. Its just a small hall way that doesn't go any where, a bout the size of a double bed, but longer. I have a big stereo, which takes up an entire table, and the table is about the size of a twin bed. I keep this table in this dead end hall way. This hall way also has an electrical out let, a heater in the middle of the floor, and a box with all the electrical switches for every room in the building. I don't know if that box has anything to do with it, or if maybe some how the heater, but something in this room is very poorly grounded, because there is a LOT of excess electricity in that room. When ever i touch my stereo I get an electrical shock, particularly from my turn tables, the side of one of my tape decks, and worst of all, any microphone connected to my stereo. I have a goose neck microphone plugged into my mixer, and when I'm playing with my turn table, my elbow sometimes touches thegoose neck part of it and i jump, or i'll be leaning over and the mic will touch to the metal part of my fly, whitch is touch my penis too, and ZAP!!! Ow!! How ever, the worst and most irritating is when I put my lips to a microphone, because my lips are usualy moist. That is bad for recording for many reasons. Also, if i spend a lot of time near my stereo, like if i'm making a tape or something, after a while i start to feel sick and get head aches.
I probably should talk to my land lord about this, he is a nice guy and he would probably be happy to fix all of these problems. I just don't because I'm lazy,a nd don't want to deal with having people come in my place and fix it. So i will tell him before i leave. Also, the electrical shocks are just zaps. They sting you quick but they don't really hurt or anything. If i hold my finger too my turntable for a minute, I can frrl the electricity flowing through my finger, which in many ways is entertaining.

As many of you know, I am in the writing process of my third album. Inspiration hit me for a new song when I had frequent unplanned run-ins with super-actress Sandy Duncan. she just happoned to be in a lot of videos i've been watching over the past few months, by complete chance. Did you know that this beutiful star of Hogan Family has a glass eye??? I wondered how she got her glass eye, and thought it would make a great song. I imagined a song about how Sandy Duncan one day got in the car, on her way to doa comercial, and got in a car accident, and her eye got gangreen so they had to cut it out. Or maybe she got into a fight with somebody. Maybe she got a part ina movie somebody else really wanted so that person came back with a gun and shot her in the eye. The idea of this song was that I would tell the story of something that sandy duncan wanted to do, then she would start to do it when everything went wrong, but she got out alive, how ever she lost her eye, so it was replaced with a grass eye. A sad song it would be, but with a lesson to be learned and a nice tribute to Sandy.
So how did Sandy Duncan get her glass eye??? I needed to find this out to write the song, so i started asking every body I talked to over the next couple of days. I didn't have a whole lot of luck. Some people thought they knew but they weren't sure... I didn't want to get any false information or i would be sued for slander. I tried searching the internet with out much luck either. But , after a few days, i finely found it.
Aparently, in 1971, Sandy Duncan began having head aches while working on the tv show Funny Face. As it turned out, the head aches were cause by a tumor growing like boner on her optic nerve. I don't know all the linguistics what happoned, but either the tumer caused her to go blind in one eye or the opperation did. Eiether way, the eye was removed and replaced with a glass one,
This story was a bit more sad and uneventful than i was hoping for. No motercycle explosion or nazi envolvment. I felt that writing an entertaining song about the matter, and the way it occored, would be inapropriate and not entertaining enoug, so I "opted" not to write the song.

The first letter this week is from Louise E. from Darin, Tabitha:

Dear Lance Romance,
That sucks I'm really sorry that whole thing got blown out of proportion like
that. But whatever, it will probably work out for the best. Do you have any
plans for what to do next? Ok, I'll talk to you later!
Love,
Louise
PS have you started brishing your teeth yet? remember we bought the Tom's of
Maine Strawberry toothpaste?

Dear Louise,
Since wuitting my job, I have been living like a king!!!! I know enough people in the naborhood that I've been getting lots and lots of free food. Ocean Coffee, Spikes, the Bickfords on jefferson boulavard, as well as my abillity to get into local university caffaterias, has been serving me well. In fact, I eat MUCH more now than when i was working. In fact, When I was working, I ws always starving and couldn't afford to eat every day, and was 10 pounds under weight. I have now put on a healthy 10 pounds ir so. I actually feel that gaining weight was good for me, because I really was starving all the time.
Tomarrow, my friend Beth is not only taking me to the grocery store, but is lending me 50 bucks to grocery shop with!!!!! Ain't this magnificent????
I do love not working. My bills are pretty much paid up, but thats only going to last another 30 days at most, then i start being over due. I am trying to find a job that I will like, but the search is going some what slow. I am not worried yet though as i am sure i will find one soon enough, and there are always jobs I wouldn't really like that i can take when i get desperate. I must say, my excess of free time and free food aren't really the push i need to get me out looking for work every single day.
As for brushing me teeth, i keep my tooth brush in my shower, and brush my teeth every time i shower.I showered every day when I worked, some days several times. How ever, living in my world of relaxation has caused me to forget sometimes. But when ever i do take a shower i give my teeth an extra good cleaning.
Love,
Lance

The second letter is from Sarah E. of Shake, Spear:

Dearest Lance, I would like to remark on how much I enjoy your insightful
commentary on most everything known to man. However I would like to hear your
thoughts on vegetarians vs. people who get fat and die of heart disease or
cancer. Love Sarah Ellen

Dear Sarah,
Every girl i meet these days seems to be a vegitarian. This is bad because when I get home from work I want a stake on my plate, and finding a girl who will make me one these days is harder and harder. However, I do respect vegitarianism greatly. I sometimes think that based on my general politics, being a vegitarian would be the right thing for me to do. How ever, I do LOVE meat, but i could live with out the taste i suppose. How ever, I am very hungry, and often find my self starving. If i didn't eat meat, I might get too skinny and die of hunger. And this is not a lie or an exageration!!! Meat is probably one of the healthiest things i eat these days, and i need the extra pounds. If you followed me around all week you would see. The poor can not be choosey.
Now Veganism i strongly disagree with. I under stand the political responsability vegans feel, and respect it. I too oppose the conditions that are presnted by the dairey industry, but becoming a vegan does not help the cause very much. You see, the dairy market knows you won't deal with them, so if a company considers bearing the extra costs to be friendlier to its animals, it likely won't because it knows that even if it is friendlier, the other companies still won't be friendlier so you'll still be a vegan and they will not meet supply demands, raise prices and just lose lots of money to unfriendly competitors. This would eventually put them out of business. There is little good reason for a dairy company to become friendlier to its animals, so it keeps its crule conditions in place. Its really the only way to stay competitive these days.
Now, there are dairy companies that do have good conditions and are friendly to their animals. Their milk is usualy more expensive, and they are FAR more localised, but if you really want to make a political staement, you should show the dairy industry that you are willing to pay more money to companies that make the same product in nicer conditions. No matter what you do, a majoraty of the population likes and consumes lots and lots of milk, and you aren't going to change that very easily. If you really want to change things, you have to support the better company, and convince other people that these other companies are worth paying a little extra for. If enough people did that, and more and more people started to buy milk from other companies based on the fact that they have better conditions for their animals, the rest of the industry would eventually see that and make its conditions better as well.
How do you find a friendly dairy?? Well, they probably don't get their stuff sold in the super market, but i bet you can find a few in the phone book that will deliver friendly made milk, eggs, butter, and all that crap, right to your door. And it will taste much better than the crap you get at the super market too.
Love,
Lance

Write your letters into me right now.

LANCE ROMAÑCE'S POLITICAAL CORNER
On the news lately, there has been a lot of talk about a murder. The girl murdered was named Kate Brown, a young girl who grew up in Barington, but, until a week ago, lived on her own on the same street I currently live on, just a few blocks down. She was murdered at her boy friends house in Barington, Rhode Island. She was murdered by her boy friend, a young man named Ron Posner. Though this girl lived on my street, and i've probably passed by her several times, I do not and have not ever known her. How ever, some of you may remember that when I started this mailing list in 1997, I was just finnishing up my only year at a horrable school called Providence Country Day. Another student at the school that year was Ron Posner, the murderer. I can't say i liked theboy much, he was just another jock as far as i was concerned, but none the less i knew the boy, so this has been a case I have been following. I must say that I don't like it at all. I never have to deal with death or murder or anything like that very often, so I always asume i could deal with it just fine, and i could rub it off like its nothing. I often tend to be light hearted twards criminals, and hope for a lighter sentence. I usually figure than 20 years is enough, that the person won't do it again. But when it hits close to home, i feel quite the contrary. This really bothers me, and i am hoping that this guy will get life in prison. I still think murder is ok sometimes. For example, I believe the murder of George W. Bush would be just dandy. I myself have even dreamed ofa violent death to Charlton Heston, the lhead of the NRA. But I am sorely against the murder of a normal everyday person for any reason what so ever.
My view on the death penalty is mainly against it. I have long felt this way, and i strongly think life in prison is a far worse punishment. I don't think that Ron Posner should be put to death at all, even though its likely he could get killed while in prison. I only feel the death penalty is apropriate in extrordinary cirumstances. I aggree with it in the case of the oklahoma city bombing, ted bundy and the exocution style murders that took places last year here in providence. But in most cases I am against it.


Anyways, thats it for this week. Let me know about las vegas, and write in more letters, and get more girls to subscribe. Until next time, see you later.

Love,
The Bomb Squad's Peticurist,
Lance Romañce


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