187: Lance Talks
1:4:01 1\02Morn

Good year, everylady! Happy new year!!! It is now the year of the space oddisy. You know, a new year means getting a new calender. However, a lot of todays calenders are boring bull shit. If you are like me, than you need an older calender. "But Lance, I need a 2001 calender." Relax, doll. The fact of the matter is you don't need a 2001 calender. You need a calander from a year that has the same days as 2001. My calander is from 1962, and the days match up exactly. The way to find that is to match up all the years i on which Febuary 28th falls on Wednesday, as it will in 2001, and make sure there is no Febuary 29th the next day. So, in order to help you find a calander from a previous year to hang up on your wall, here is a list of years in the 20th centureythat had the same days as 2001:

1990
1979
1973
1962
1951
1945
1934
1923
1917
1906

And, when the year is over, you will be able to reuse it again in 2007, just 5 years later ! (from the beginning of 2002 i figure)

Speaking of new years, lets talk new years resolutions. Lance Romañce makes New Years Resolutions every year. Last year my resolutions were to talk in a deper voice and be more sexually hurrassing. I don't think i did as good a job as i would have liked with the deep voice, but i did so well with the sexual hurasment resolution i almost got fired from my job. This year i have some new resolutions. My first resolution is to be more like Groucho. My second is to be nicer to people. My third resolution is to get myself a woman.

Do you have new years resolution???? If not, write me immediately, and together we will find you a good one. If you all ready have a resolution, write meand let me know what it is. I would like to discus this more in future issues. If you won't want me to mention your resolution here on my mailing list, let me know, but I would stilll like to discus it with you in private.

Another hope for this year is to go on a vacation. When? Where??? Well, here is what I hope:
I was talking to a friend of mine who goes to college in Gettysburg. Gettysburg, as many of you may know, is a major place fore american history and is where many important civil war battles were fought. As a result, there are many ghosts in Gettysburg. Apperantly, its the most haunted town in the USA. There are ghost tours and everything. Well, I plan to go down to Gettysburg and go ghost hunting. I have a video camera now and will try to get some tapes.
My next stop will be Memphis. I will visit Sun Records, easily my favorite record lable. I will also visit Graceland. Now I have heard bad things about grace land, even that it was absolutely horrible, but god damn it its the home of Elvis. And I'll be damned, literaly damned, if i don't visit the home of elvis before I die. I owe it to my heritage. And then of course comes the high lite of memphis: DOLLY WOOD!!!! Yes, Dolly Parton's amusement park, which is actually outside of Memphis, and is even suposed to be pretty good. But eiether way, I love dolly parton and I can't wait to go.
The third part of my trip is disney world. You know about that place all ready so there is no point in me explaining.

and now for leathers:

The first leather this week is from Matt R. of Brown, University:

hey, this was the best email you've sent in a while. does dinah in your vagina song (which is an instant classic, by the way) refer to Alice's cat in Alice in Wonderland? yet another twisted hidden meaning in that story..
congrats on the gambling! i won $24 at foxwoods once, and i thought that was good, but i guess that's nothing to brag about. bastard. and foxwoods is nothing like the emerald ciyt.

longlive fort thunder

~matt

Dear Matt,
No. The Dinah in The Vagaina song refers to the song that goes SOMETHING like this:

I've been working on the rail road
all the live long day
i've been working on the rail road
just passing the time away
I can hear the whistle blowing
as it blows its horn
I can hear the whistle blowing
oh so early in the morn
some ones in the kitchen with dinah
somones in the kitchen i know
someones in the kitychen with dinah
someones in tyhe kitchen i know

I have not heard that song in so long. If you know the lyrics better than i do please correct me. See you later. Thanbk you.
Love,
Lance

The second leather is from Dave N. of Sgar, Town:

Lance,

I like boobies. Do you know where I can find some to touch.

Love,
Camel Cock

Dear Dave,
Probably at the super market.
Love,
Lance

So how did my concert go the other night? Eh.. Well, the biggest problem was we had trouble with the way everything was set up and we couldnt hear each other, let alone our selves. The drummer couldn't hear any of us and so that caused trouble. There was also a distortion on my guitar that we couldnt seem to get rid of. We had this problem largely because we rushed to take over the band that was playing before us, and so we kind of ended upo with thos levels, and we didn't really plan it. We only played 5 songs, here is what we played:

1. Carolina
2. Sputnik Salley
3. Mrs Doubtfire
4. Achey Break Heart
5. Lance Romañce's Wiggle

Ah, Lance Romañce's wiggle... One of the lines in that song goes like this:

If you want to do the lance dance
i will teach you how
the only rules are that you've got to be a girl
and you can not be a cow

Now, the problem I had with this line is a friend of mine, who is much older than me, was there with his wife. Now they are both wonderful, but she is a humungus cow, and she was standing right in front of me, and with her kids who are some what big as well. I didn't want to insult her or anything and so I was reluctant to go with the song after that.

The next line of the song after the cow line goes like this:

you start by taking off your shirt
while your jumping up and down
then you take off your bra and show your tits off
to the enitre town

I didn't sing this verse. But, some one must have been anticipating because someone through a bra at me. I didn't see who or anything, but I stuffed it in my pocket, but i guess it fell out cause i lost it. Dang.

Another thing that went wrong was the band didn't know my songs very well. This is because i put the band together so quickley. But with good thinking. As you recall, this concert was a battle concert and I was to beplaying against another band. Half of the band I was playing against work at a place Stereo Discount Center. And all those people regulaly go to a nearby coffee shop near by called Ocean Coffee. All the clerks no each other. I was getting frustrated that all the people at Stereo Discount Center were going to be in this band and i didn'ty have much of a band, so I secretly went over to Ocean Coffee and got as many people that worked there to join my band as I could get. I got two people plus one of their room mates. I also had another friend but he was irrelivent to this plan, which the guys at Stereo Discount Cenetr seemed to get a kick out of, so it worked out well.

Well, thats it for this week. Also, i probably wont be sending out another mailing any day before Elvis Day, so Happy Elvis Day!! Remember, its coming up on monday so get ready. You know, many drugs stores and super markets and shops and stores and all those set up a special display every year for christmas, easter, valentines day, st patricks day, holoween, summer.... Why not Elvis day???? That bugs me. Any hoo, I hope you won't forget it and i hope yours will be a happy one, and not blue.

Anyhoo, until next week, I'll see you later.

Love,
Butter Churning Champion,
Lance Romañce


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