186: Year Of The Space Oddisey
12:28:00 1\05Morn

Ah, 2001... Its finely here, just like in the movie.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to announce Lance Romañce will be playing a concert this very New Years Eve. It will be Lance Romañce vs. Manbeard another local band. A battle/fight concert, deciding who is better. So come and cheer me on on Unday December 31st at Fort Thunder. I suspect I will be playing around 9ish, but thats no garentee. There will also be other bands playing, and lots of dancing and video games and swings and ropes to swing from if its not too crowded, and Fort Thunder will be hosting the best party you will find on New Years Eve. Admission is FREE!!! However, donations are collected at the door if you wish to make one.

HOW TO GET TO FORT THUNDER: Well, its right here in Providence. If you are down town, go under the big pineapple at federal hill and go ALL the way down to the other end of atwells. You keep going, you willcross a bridge, go a little further and see Dunkin Donuts. Behind Dunkin Donuts is a big parking lot and a brick building that says FLEA MARKET. Go in the door, which you will see, and go UP stairs. You will soon find a door on your left which is where the party is. This is not a club at some people's crib, but rather just a part thats open to everyone

Some of you may remember me talking about fort thunder a few weeks ago, because they wanted to tear it down and build a strip mall. Well, we all went to city hall and protested, and the city council denied the developers, so fort thunder still stands for now.

Here is a new song i wrote for my next album, its called The Vagina Song:

let me tell you about a thing called the vagina
girls protect it like its a fine piece of china
but theres no need, i'm not gonna hurt it
i dont need to fuck it, i just want to appreciate it
but theres nothiung to be ashmed of and nothing to fear
all i want to do is touch it my dear

let me tell you about a thing called the vagina
all girls have one, even girls in the carolinas
its a magnificent thing that was made by god
but when girls keep their pants on they fail to show it off
so take your pants off and wave it all around
be proud of what you have dont ever let it get you down

let me tell you about a thing claled the vagina
when its happy it produces a sweet wine-a
show it off and be proud of what you have
no need to be embaressed no body is gonna laugh
what you got can bring so much joy
to every little girl and boy

let me tell you about a thing called the vagina
all girls have one and i wish they all were mine-a
but girls are over protective of them
they don't want anything injected in them
they don't even let me see it at all
they are embaressed for some reason, but they shouldn't be at all

let me tell you about a thing called the vagina
bette davis had one and so did patsy clina
when i see one you know my dick becomes kinda
like the horn on the face of a rhina
did i ever tell you bout my friend carolina
i used to eat pancakes right out of her vagina
i never compain when she lets me 69'uh <-(her)
while her husband is workin on the the rail road all the live long day i'm in the kitchen with dinah

The first letter this week is from listmember Javed M. of Eskimo, Fondler:

aahhhhhh lance, that email was just what i needed. it raised my augmented
my morale and keeps me running on the little sanity i have left until i
catch a flight home in 2 weeks
peace in the northeast

Dear Javed,
My emails are a leading cause of cancer. be careful.

The second letter is from listmember Jenny M. of Icibaad, Craine:

Ben, I love getting your emails even thogh they are not personally to me they are so entertaining I forward them to people from my job and to members of my family I had some links I wanted to send you but you have that clause in the end of your emails talking about charging for all unsolicited messages so I decided to keep them to my self, My aunt and uncle said you are welcome to visit us here in Florida they think you are quite witty and the fact that you love vinal has really impressed my uncle that and the Beach Boys Beatles debate he is very impressed so good news there I want to let you know that I did vote for Nader and being in Florida I have to keep that fact to myself they blame me for making this such a close race, but I feel I did the right thing, I will be sending the 5 dollars for a copy of your new album next week should I include more for shiping? let me know I would also Like to have it signed if at all possible (Please Please Please) well my love as much as I want to go on and on I have to get ready for the Oviedo day in the country festival Florida is pretty cool I hope you will visit some time Thanks for the great entertainment and I am looking forward to more in the future bye Ben LOve Jenny

Dear Jenny,
First of all, this mailing list is run by me: Lance Romañce, not my manager who you addressed your letter to. Second of all, why don't you go fuck a pig. I don't need this kind of shit.

Send your letters, complains, questions and answers to me at tendonitus@giantrats.com thank you.

Remember my birthday a few weeks ago??? Well, I went with some friends up to foxwoods casino. We took the bus up, and the bus company gave us three free tickets: one ticket for 10 free games of keno, and two 10 dollar match tickets for the tables, which mean that when I put down 10 dollars at a table, the bus company put in another 10 dollars on my behalf, meaning that if i put down 10 dollars, its like putting down 20 dollars, which is very nice if I win. So here is what happoned:

We took the bus up to foxwoods casino at about10 o clock. It was an hour bus ride so we got in about 11 or so. We planned to stay until 1 am, which is when the last bus of the night left, but we decided this place was to great a place to explore in just 2 hours, so we got ourselve a hotel room. We then walked around for a while, just looking around, because this place is damn amazing. It is like the emerald city in the wizard of oz. We looked in some expensive souvaneer shops, and the ginger bread house and walked around the floor a little bit, just watching some of the games. Roulette, craps, blackjack, and about 30 different types of poker. After watching for a while, we went and ate a chinese restaraunt, where the portions were small, expensive and delicious. But the service is grand here, they treat us like kings. Finely, at about one AM, we went on the floor and started playing. I had 50 dollars to gamble with.

Now, I know that the slot machines are a horrable way to gamble, the casino makes more money from slot machines than all the other games combined, but I figured i come all the way here, I have to at least play some slots, just a dollar or so. Right away I was addicted. The addiction of slots is, even knowing that the chances of winning are so slim, the fact that its possable to win so much money from just one quarter is what keeps you playing. You constantly hear the bells ringing at other slot machines so you know people win and that makes it seem possible, and every so often you win about $2.50, which is encouraging, and you immiately put all $2.50 back into the slot machine. I kept trying to stop, but then I would say to myself "well, i'll just do one more cause it could be my luky one." After loosing 10 bucks, I had to yell at myself and tell me that I wasnt going to win on these things and to play something else.

As I told you before, the bus company gave me a ticket that was worth 10 games of keno. How ever, the 10 games of keno are played on 2 keno cards simutaniosly, and the casino picks your numbers. HOw ever, you don't have to sit and wait, you can go back later with your cards and they will tell you if you won anything. So i went and played some video black jack.

Craps, roulette, 30 kinds of poker... to hell with all them, black jack is my game. Black jack, as i describe it, is just like The Price Is Right. The object of black jack is to have your cards add up to as close to 21 as you can with out going over. I decided to warm up with some video black jack. I was going back and forth on this game. I went down about 10 bucks, which added to the 10 I lost on the slots, ment i was down 20 bucks. I had 30 bucks left to gamble with. I then decided to up my ante, and put a 10 dollar bill in the machine and played it all on one hand. I got a 17, and stayed. Getting a 17 is a very nervous thing, because 17 is a decent hand, but not a great hand. Its too high to hit, but to low to relax. The computer drew 17 as well, which is called a push. What this means is I didn't win, I didn't loose, I just get my 10 dollars back. Well, I put the 10 dollars right back down and played another high stake hand. I drew 19, the computer went bust, so I got back twice what I put in. I played video black jack a little longer. When I quit, I was up a quarter from what I came with, meaning I had won back the 10 bucks i lost on the slots, giving me a total of $50.25 left to gamble with.

KENO pt 2:
I went back to the keno counter to see if I had won anything. Yep, I won 5 bucks. New total: $55.25

Remember those two10 dollar match tickets that the bus company gave me? Well, I still had them, and intended to use them. I went up to a black jack table and put down my $10 mtachticket and a 10 dollar bill, making my bet 20 bucks. He shuffled the cards, let me cut the deck, and then started to deal. Blackjack!!! I got a Jack and an Ace, which adds up to 21. Now, normaly if you win in blackjack, you get back 2 times what you bet. But when the dealer deals you 21, you get back two and a half times what you bet. My bet was equal to 20 dollars, so I got back 50!!!! Now, minus the 10 dollars I put down, means my net profit off this hand was 40 bucks, bringing my total to $95.25

Now, I still had one more $10 match ticket left. I wanted to used it, but I realised the reason they gave me this ticket because they knew I would probably loose. I had just gotten black jack at the last table and that probably ran my luck out. Well i walked around and watched roulette for a few minutes and learned how to play exactly. Didn't feel it was worth it. Just walking around, i came accross a completely different black jack table, and with out even thinking, I just sat down, and put down two $5 chips and my last $10 match ticket, making another total bet of $20. Blackjack!!!! Holy shit!!! I got black jack twice in a row!!!! I got back 50 bucks again!!! Luck like this is neer impossable and so I immediately cashed in my chips. I'm not exactly sure how it all added up, i must have miscounted some wher, but I now had $145.25. My friends had been loosing money all night, and then stood beside me as I won 100 bucks. I turned to them and said "ok, i'm going to sleep now." It was around 4 or 5 am. I went up to the hotel room and went to sleep.

Well, the alarm went off at 9 am. We had a 10 am bus to catch back to providence, and I had to be at work at noon. This trip prooved grand. You know, there are two important things that make you a good gambler. The first is knowing which games to play. Playing the slots will almost surely eat your money, where as black jack, which is a VERY easy game to learn, also gives you good odds at winning, Granted, you shouldn't just play one game or you'll get bored, i mean craps has some excitement, but just never waste much money on slots. The second trick, which is far more important and very true, is knowing when to quit. This is something I did very well this weekend, and walked away with tripple my money. With luck as good as mine this weekend, the chances of me even winning again were too slim. I have gambled in the past and done well then lost all my money because I decided not to quit. My third tip is don't drink any alcohol or caffine before you gamble. Though the effects may be transparent, they make the sensation of gambling very high, and there for make it very hard for you to quit at the right time. Keep a clear head while you gamble, then quit, then drink.
One of my friends who came with me told me ai beet the system. The whole way casino's make money is by people loosing, and they give you all these things to help you loose: free alcohol, match tickets, slot machines.... its very easy to fall victum to these things and the casino will take your money, Thats the system. The match tickets I was given were designed to make me play more, figuring I would probably loose the money, But I quit soon as I won, there for beeting the system. I like that a lot.

If you would like to play strip black jack, come on over to my place anytime. If you would like to go to fox woods, let me know and I will go with you. I still haven't been to Mohegan Sun yet, so lets go there too.

good night everyone, see you on new years, at my concert!

The Race Car Tampering,
Lance Romañce

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