185: Rats! Not Another One Of My Birthdays!!! :-(
12:2:00 5\40Nite

well, i its that time of year agin, folks, when I have my annual birthday. This year its on december 7th, and, as always, I will be turning 21. I don't want to turn 21, its too old, too age-intensive... but when can i do? Oh, how i long to be 16 again, but we all know the chances of that are about 97 to 3. Ag. You may send me cards, gifts and birthday greetings if youd like, to me of course, at the following address:

Ben Garber
PO Box 2306
Providence, RI 02906

401-421-0537

I want you to remember on my birthday, that i love you all.

Here is my newest idea for a movie. Its called FELINIA!!!! It is a town with nothing but felines, and i will be their king. The cats will make cat noises the whole time, but there will be english sub titles. I have not bothered to come up with a plot yet, but with a movie like this, do I really need one???

I was watching Dances With Wolves last night. That movie is so god damned awsome. You know, i saw it when I was 11 or so, in the theater when it first came out, and i didn't think much of it. But now that i am older, smarter and more indian than ever, i finely see how awsome it is. There is one scene in the movie where a guy is taking a crap, and it got me thinking about how much i like taking a crap at work. I have three good reasons for enjoying this:
1. The toilets at work don't clog very easily, unlike my toilet, so my toilet at home stays clean and pure.
2. I really like the idea that while I'm taking a dump, i am getting paid. In fact, that i dea is magnificent.
3. Wether I'm at work or not, it always feels good to take a load off. Ahhhh.... relaxation.

I don't know if i told you all but i no longer like conan o brian. I got sick of conan o brian when I was 19, not long after finishing school. I noticed the show, after becoming popular, had been "NBCed". They were doing the same gags over and over and over and over and over again and again and again and again like deja vu every night, is what it was like. Staring contests, art cratiquing, finding some one in the audience to "improvise" a song on guitar about and then the person gets real upset, the more you know.... these are all well and good every so often, but they stopped doing anything else, they just did what people liked and stopped doing new things. The show just progressed in a way that it became less and less likely for them to do anything worth staying up late for. The musical guests used to be great at one point, but now he just gets the same crap artits all the other shows get. Also, now Andy has left its complete crap. Why did Andy leave?? I heard its to persue a movie carear, but i suspect that its because he couldn't stand NBC. They did it to Letterman, you know, and i think they have now done it to Conan.
I now watch Craig Kilborn. he is not the funiest of the bunch, but he is funny. Hes also pretty cool. And, of the bunch, he is the most honest and inhibited of the bunch, which makes it pretty cool. You aggree with most of his jokes, you say "its funny cause its true," not like the other hosts when they just make something up and add it to the end of a true story. Craig is also pretty creative. He does a lot of new stuff. I recomend you give him a couple nights of watching.

A while back, i wrote an article about how i didn't like the fact that they only show the recent episodes of The Simpsons in syndication, and fail to show the older ones. Well, lately they have been showing older ones. Some of the first couple of episodes, they weren't nearly as funny as they were just a few seasons later, the show slowly progressed to well writen comedy show that it is. Even though the Simpsons weren't as funny back then, i remember being 10 years old when the show started up and it was HUGE from the start. But why??? What was it about the simpsons that we loved so much?? A lot of it was Bart. Bart was a bad kid who was just plum cool. He acurately embrased what we thought of as being cool and acurately disrespected what sucked at the time, but while maintaining his cool. And, its not like it was cool because of bart simpson. No, it was the other way around: Bart did things that we all ready knew were cool. What made bart cool was he did them, not like the fake 10 year olds they put all over TV, like the ones on full house. The life bart lived reflected that of any 10 year old of the day. On top of all this, parents hated him and called him a bad influence, at my school he was banned, and that just made him so much cooler. That is why we loved the simpsons, because, like skate boarding, it was so damn cool, not cause it was funny.

Now, i do give a knock to full house just a minute a go. I must say though I knocked it, i still like it. If you asked me to name the show that most represnts the classic sit-com set up, I would by all means say Full House. ITs not the funniest or most intelligent sit com ever, no way, but its never ending parade of new charcters, each with an easily discribed personality different from all other characters on the show, including children, and then the touching moments at the end of the show, where the apolagies are made and the lessons are learned. The classic sit com has long been lost, thanks to NBC, and the up heavil of shows like Friends and all those shows that take place in an office... The shows that try to add a sense of "realism" and any well off single person in their 20s or 30s can relate to... CBS seems to be trwying to bring back the classic sit com as of late.

here is a new song i wrote:

now you can suck my dick
and fuck me till i'm sore
while you have 10 of your friends
coming in through the door
to join in
on our fantastic bed
but all of that doesn't satisfy my head
(like a)
t-bone steak or
a pumpkin pie
an oatmeal cookie
or a lagre french fry
indian pudding or an ice cream cone
if you can't cook then you should leave me alone

i don't care if your in the mood
because sex just ain't as good as food
i'd rather eat
a slab of meet
than have sex with you

when you put your tung on my penis
it sure is nice
but i'd prefer stemed dumplings with a side of white rice
i enjoy making out with you and your friends
but it never compares to barbaque chick en
i like fuucking you between the tits
while you kiss me on my cock
but chese burgers and candy canes
are what really ties my boat to the dock

i don't care if your in the mood
because sex just ain't as good as food
i'd rather eat
a slab of meet
than have sex with you

mid 8:
sex is good but food is better
if you feed me more than i will get you wetter
all you need to arouse me is some crackers and chedder
if we have sex in the kitchen
we can fuck while you make chicken
there'd be lots of finger licken
everythings better when its tender

i like pizza
its chease and pizza sauce
pizza is fantastic
pizza is the boss

i like milk shakes
they are big and tall
they come in different flavers
they taste better than my balls

i like french frise
i like that salty taste
when i am hungry
i stick french fries in my face

i like butter scotches
they are small and good
i would eat a billion of them
but only if i could

i like french toast
with syrup and butter
its not really french
when i finish one i have a nother

i like chease burgers
they have grease running down
they are so goo tasting
that they own the town

i like cereal
there are many different kinds
but the kinds with marsh mellows
are the kinds that blow my mind

i like licorice
i like both black and red
if it werent for licorice
id probably be dead

i like artichokes
the only vegatble that i like
their green leaves and heart
dipped in melted butter is just right

but i hate salad
it tastes like crap
yes i hate every kind of salad
easting some makes me mad

i hate sald
yes i hate sald
i hate salad
yes i hate salad

i like to put my penis between your legs
put it in than pull it out, while for more you beg
while doing this your girl friends
are kissing and licking and jerking and fingering me and you
but only when you make grilled chese will i appreicate whasyt you do

i don't care if your in the mood
because sex just ain't as good as food
i'd rather eat
a slab of meet
than have sex with you

mid 8:
sex is good but food is better
if you feed me more than i will get you wetter
you can arouse me all you want with some crackers and chedder
if we have sex in the kitchen
we can fuck while you make chicken
there'd be lots of finger licken
everythings better when its tender

i don't care if your in the mood
because sex just ain't as good as food
i'd rather eat
a slab of meet
than have sex with you

Any hopo, thats it for now. Thank you very much, AND REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY. My birthday. My Birthday!!!!

Love,
21-Year-Old,
Lance Romañce


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