169: My Weekend At Woodstock (No Sleep Till Brooklyn )
7;28;99 4\24Morn

So i went to woodstock this weekend. Most of you probably heard about the riots that took place there, among other things. Well, i was there!! Was ai a rioter??? Read on. I spent the whole week in new york too.

I'd like to start of by taking a moment to say a few words about JFK Jr: Shut up about him!!! There is no reason they shold have to have his plaine crash on every tv startion, hes not the president. He didn't do anything special, he was just a member of an extrordinaryly rich family. Sure, a tribute here and there are fine, but this has been blown way out of preportion. Why didn't they do this to me when I died??? Because i dont have the money. And whats all this about the "kenedy curse". Rose Kenedy died at age 105. Thats a curse??? Most people dont live to see 80, thats an extra 25 years. But none the less, when she died she was all over everything, just like when jfk jr. died this past weekend. Only because they are rich. And what did i get when I died??? I just got spat at. Im insulted. Fuck you, kenedies.

I love to play practical jokes. It doesnt matter who its on, its just always fun to successfully play a joke on someone or something. About two weeks ago, i played a joke on myself. I took a shit and used the last of the toilet paper and was about to go get more so i'd have some next time i took a shit. But then i had idea: i could play a practical joke on myself!!! I decided N OT to get more toilet paper because i knew i would forget and take a shit and then not have any toilet paper. So i didn't get more toilet paper. Sure enough, a few days later i had to take a shit, so i went in and took it. After the shit was done coming out of my anus, I reached for the toilet paper, as i routinley do after shiting, only to find an empty cardboard roll. Thats when i realised i had gotten me!!! ha ha!!! I knew i would forget and i did!!!! You should have seenthe look on my ass face!!!

Before i get into new york, I would like to get 2 very important shots out this wee, to listmembers Nate R. and Lani D, because with out them this past week wouldnt have been possable. Hold on i have t o take a shit. Ok I am back. I think I got diarhea at woodstock. I normaly take a shit every 3 or 4 days, but i have now taken 3 shits in the past 24 hours, the past 2 of which have been squirty,. the one i just took was really squirty. In fact I got some in my pants because i thought it was just gonna be a fart and it turned out to be diarhea. Dang. So i took off my pants, yo!!!

Its not just a beastie boys song, but it turned out to be half my week. Well, last tuesday I went up to new york. I arrived in new york at about 9.30 or so at the port authority, then went to penn station to catch a train to Long Island where i would be staying that night with a trick named stacy, who used to be my room mate's lady. The only problem was that i lost the sheet of paper that I had with the directions to where i was going, as well as the whole weekend. I couldn't very well call the girl i was staying with cause the sheet was also where i had her phone number. So i was stuck in penn station for a while. Listmember Nate D. had all the phone numbers though, so i spent the next hour trying to call his busy phone line, and finely got him and he gave me all the numbers i needed. So i went in to long island, met stacy and we went looking around town for a place to chill but there werent nothing to do so blah blah blah next morning i took the train back to the city. I guess this story isnt that exciting so lets move on.

The Land Of Tits was my home this weekend.

I bussed up on friday, missing James Brown, but catching the end of jamaraqui, who im not much of a fan of, so i left. Blah blah blah, ran in to listmember Pete M, lots of tits, i got coverd in mud. A few hours later, I thought I herd Onyx on the 2nd stage, who i love, so i went over to see them. As i got closer, i relaised it was Insane Clown Posse. Who cares. Then P-Funk was next, and they had Bootsy Collins on bass and the Digital Underground's Humpty Hump playing keyboards and rapping, making an awsome show. But some other cool things happoned.
At one point they had some whit guy who was fat and old and bald and smooth and had sunglasses, and he was just very chill and h ad mad style, he was awsome. He busted this rhyme p-funk frequently plays, which i thinbk is called called "The Bootay". Very slick and cool, and the first time i'd ever seen a cracker on stage at a p-funk concert.
When the cracker came out, some asian guy behind me started yelling "Who the fuck is that? What the fuck is a white guy doing on stage? Get Him off the stage" and shit like that. I don't know why the kid decided to g o to woodstock if he hates white people so much. He will disappointed when pick's up Funkadelic's next record to find appearences by Flea and Henery Rollins.
ALSO: There was some chick in front of me who was 100% naked on some guy's shoulders, dancing and singin along and shit. The security gaurds took her aside and took pictures with her then put her back on the guy's shoulder, and put some ice on her shaved yak. Security was pretty chill.

I only went with what I had in my pants pockets, which ment no tent or sleeping bag, and i had to make extra sure i didn't loose my pants. All i had were my woodstock ticket, my bus ticket and 30 bucks. And in the past 5 days i had only gotten about 20 hours asleep, meaning that i had very little energy so sleep was VERY important. So i had to find a nice place to sleep that would be nice and cozy and in a place where no one would step on me. After a few tries of sleeping in various places of a noisy field, so i set out to find a new place sleep: Under a tree. I figured the camping area would be quieter, so firts i went there, then tried to find a few tents facing away from a tree , which i found, and so i slept under the tree they were facing away from. Now, all i was wearing was pants and a light t-shirt, and nights were VERY cold here which made it hard to fall asleep, and made the blistiring heat that woke me up quite a sirprise. My shirt was so light that the sun went right through it and burnned my skin anyways, and the fact i was still covered in mud i think increased the sunburns (mud helps you sunburn much faster). So when I woke up i went over and washed off all my mud and was now pretty clean.

I've never heard anything by the tragicly hip, but there are canadian. This attracted a very large group of about 50 or so very patriotic canadians, who wielded at least 20 or 30 canadien flags and in the midst of waiting for the band to come on, started singing "Oh, Canada," the canadien national anthem. The Americans, which included myself, started chanting "U-S-A! U-S-A!," which was pretty funny if you were there. Then the woodstock anouncer came out to introduce the tragicly hip and said "I have two words for you canadiens: no goal." I didn't get that, i figure its probably some sports thing, but everyone else found it funny, so i guess it probably was.
After the band i went and played in the water and got some ice cream and some goldfish. There were about 5 or 6 tracter trailer trucks which i decided to eat my gold fish under because it was so shady under there. Then I got up and there were about 30 or 40 guys on top of the trailers who chanted "show your tits" at every fine lady who happond to be standing close buy, and then they would cheer when i work. I cheered too! But next thing you know some cop started yelling athem to get off the top of the trailers, and the=n some woodstock security guys started yelling too. Most of them didn't want to get off, but then one kid fell off. Now these are full hight tracter trailers. If you jumped off you woiuld probably be fine, but falling off on to hard concrete is much different, as the kid lay motionless. The woodstock ambulance cart showed up and did CPR on him, then put him on a cardboard stretcher and took him off. He left behind a big pool of blood, very big, he must have lost about a pint. Then some woodstock people were talking and the more charge guy said "clean it up and think of something to tell people" and that was that. Blah blah blah, ran into listmember Vikki H, accidently took a nap on a field (i was just sitting down for a moment, i didnt mean to fall asleep it just happoned".
That evening was the notorious night of violence (not the riots though). Durring Alanis Morissette, I worked my way up to about 15 feet from the front, and in the center for limp bizkit. Puff Daddy watched from the side. Moshing got crazy, and normaly i would have stayed, but i was having trouble breathing and my back hurt, and i was dehidrating, so i went to get more water an d watched from the back. Thats when the lead guy from lead bizkut started to walk accross the audience on a piece of card board. The front security normaly sprayed people with hoses but i guess some one had stolen the hoses, which is what really cut the straw in me having to go back
I stayed in the back through Rage Against The Machine, who i love, but stayed reluctently, as standing up was making my back hurt so much. I really needed to sit down, but i stayed. THen rage burned the american flag, which was awsome, those guys do what needs to be done. I left after words to lay down and go to sleep so that my back could feel better for the sunday so i could stay up front ALL day. I didn't see this as a big deal because i am not a big metallica fan, but i would have like to have seen them. Aperntly, it turned out to be one of the best shows of the weekend, and i just lissened to it mildly in the backround while i tried to fall alseep, sopp i didnt really notice it. Through the whole night, since before limp bizkut went on, the woodstock people kept saying from the stage "don't climb the scafold because it cant support you and it will break and if it breaks the concert is over cause we need those scafolds to hold everythiung so please dont climb them or youll get hurt" and they said that over and over. Well, durring metallica, aperntly some 15 year old girl didn't lissen and she plunged to her bloody death. Man, that sucks i didn't get to see that, i would really like to have seen that, but no, i had to be a pansey and go to sleep. Im such a nerd. I think that if i was able to get more rest before the concert, which i wasnt able to do, i would have been able to watch a girl die.

This was a rough sleep. I was dead tired, but before i fell asleep under the same tree again, it had gotten too cold and started to rain mildly. I decided to get a poncho, which would keep me dry and a tad bit warmer, so idid, and went to sleep under a different tree. Some woodstock medic found me sleeping on the ground under the tree and woke me up cause he thought i was dead. What a dick head, waking me up and shit, and now i couldnt fall back asleep again, simply because of the cold. But i needed to sleep cause i was so tired. So i walked around for a little bit, till i came accross some art work. There were these kind of art towers made of wood that were kind of near the stage. Some people had knocked a few down and were skleeping in them, so idecided to do the same. Itg was nice and cozy in there, and warm and i fell right to sleep. Then maybe an hour or 2 later, the woodstock "Peace Patrol" comes and wakes me up and asks me to leave the park. I started swaring and swore for a long time cause i knew there wouldnt be any place as warm. Eventualy i laid down near a second stage speaker, and was woken up by the cold again a short time later. But the sun was starting to come up, so i knew it would be warm soon. The horizen was light, but the sun not yet in sight, so i, wearing my poncho and carrying a bag of gold fish, walked for a little while till it was just a tad warmer then set down my goldfish and went to sleep inthe field. I was woken up by the sunburning heat at what turned out to be 8 am to find some one stole my gold fish while i was asleep.

This was THE day. After waking up, i went and got some water and got all wet, then waited by the stage. I was excited because today the first 2 acts today would be willie nelson and the beloved Al Green. It was now 8.30 and only 3 people were all ready at the stage, and i walked up and took my front row position. The show was to start at 12 with Al Green, but to my dismay, I learned that Al Green had cancelled. But Willie Nelson was still great and he started at 12. For the rest of the day i held my front row position.
Three notable things happone dthat afternoon that i saw from front row. The first of which was everlast, who sucked shit. Everlast used to be the leader of House Of Pain, and decided to delight the audience by playing Jump Around. But the way they played it sucked shit, so he sucks, dont see him. The 2nd intresting thing was Elvis Costello, who was absolutely amazing, one of the best performers I'd ever seen. He came out with an acoustic guitar and a pianist and just played and told lots of stories, similer to Arlo Guthrie, but far better. Then he decided that he would switch to electric guitar, but there was one problem: Brittish Airways lost all his guitars. So he made the entire audience boo British Airways, and he played the rest of his set on a guitar that Brian Setzer lent him. The third intresting that happond that afternoon was Creed. Now creed alone is not very intresting at all. But then they started talking about how the doors refused to play the origional woodstock in 1969. That was pretty cool of the doors to do that. Also, as you know, all grungey singers try their damndest to sound like jim morrison, but raspier. Well, Creed brought out the doors's origional guitarist, Krieger or whatever, and played Roadhouse Blues and Riders On The Storm. It didn't sound very good, but it was still pretty cool. After which, the woodstock anouncer said that we had just broken the record for most tits at a rock concert, and then spent a few minutes ghetting more and more girls to take out there tits. This made me regret being in the front row. Also, after spending 3 days now in the post-100 degree sun, i was littery baking. My nose, which has always been nice and smooth and soft like a bunny nose, was no crispy like chicken and hard like my dick. This is no exageration, and anyone who has seen me since will vouch for that. The security up front kept spraying us with water, which was great, cause i cant imagine how much worse i would be if they didnt. I probably wouldnt have been able to stay up front for the 14 or 15 hours whhich i did. I was also standing in front of this topless chic who was on some guys sholders, and so when ever people took a picture of her, i was in the picture too.
the evening you herd about on the news:
Well here is what I had waited all day for: the red hot chili peppers. You all know how much i love these mother fuckers, and here i was up front and waiting for them to come on. Well, all the sudden, flea came on the stage completely naked, only wearing his grey bass, and started playing, just fooling around and then just started up with All Around The World, at which point the rest of the band ran out and joined in. I think the next song was Give It Away, at which point every body went crazy. Everyone started pushing my balls off literaly to get to the front and crowd suring a lot more. I got pushed very hard into the front thiong for long periods of time, which hurt. And that naked chick from before was now just standing on the ground, between some guys arms to protect her, andsome times he would drive his elbow right into my ribs to keep her safe. I was cool with that though cause she was cool and it was dangerous. But it ultimately fucked up my rib. I also kept getting kicked by crowd surfcers as well as the hundreds of people security were taking out of the crowd, but i didnt care cause i was enjoying the show. Anthoney Kiedis then said "All the girls who are currentyly mesntrating, if you could take out your tampons and throw them at the stage..." and then you herd a lot of guys say "nooooooo...." but i thought it was pretty cool, and then they started playing My Lovely Man, NOT purple stain. Joe Strummer was on the side watching. They had so much energy and got every one worked up and excited so when they got off the stage everyone got pissed, and a lot of bands didnt do encores at wood stock, so wno one was sure. Then some woodstock guy came out and said "Those fires back there are not part of the show, and are dangerous, so if you could please make room for the fire engines to get through" and what ever thats what He said. From what I hear, the fire engines never got through. But the chili peppers came back on and played Sir Psycho Sexy!!! Boy that was fuckin great!!! Then, because of the fire, they decided it apropriate to play "Fire" by Jimi Hendrix, which they do so much better than hendrix and 20 times faster so it got every one crazy worked up, which is why every one was twice as pissed when they didnt play anything else after words. It was now only about 10.15, early cause of the Al Green cancelation, and the woodstock people played some stupuid 4 minute jimi hendrix tribute laser show, but no one cared we all wanted more music, it was too early at night for this thing toi end, and the chili peppers built up all our energy, so we'd damned well better get more music or we are gonna have to do something drastic. Thats when you knew when there was gonna be a riot, and all 4 speaker depots were on fire now which made everyone even more excited. But the riot wasnt as bad as they said, but MTV was pretty pissed off i think cause i guess their satilte van got destroyed, so they got pretty mad. But what happoned really was quite apporopriate. I dont know exactly why, but it just felt right, and it felt good. I got some free bagles and some water mellon. It was really pretty peaceful though, there were just some fires and a bunch of looters gathered around cirten venders, and hundreds of cops showed up in helmets about an hour later. The cops brough drg sniffing dogs. Can you believe that??? They brought drug sniffing dogs to woodstock!!! Thats just plain old obnoxious, 99% of the people at wood stock had shit on them. And they wonder why people were throwing bottles at them??? They are morons. Cops are stupid, except Dirty Hairy. This was the first nationaly publisized white boy riot in quite a long time.
Well, I went to make some phone calls and i got this great grilled chease like thing from columbia called Arepas. It was so delicious, it was like grilled chease but a ganillion times better. Then I went walking around the camp sight looking for dropped t-shirts and burned out tents. And remember those trailers that that i told you about that some kid fell off on saturday afternoon??? All 5 or 6 of them exploded. That was pretty cool.

Well, at about 12.30 pm i left woodstock and went to the parking lot to wait for my bus, which as it turned out wouldnt be there till 7 am. So i dunno. The air was so smokey that you could hardley see 20 feet amnd brething wasnt so fun, and keep in mind that this was outside the woodstock, all the smoke was the smoke that couldnt fit inside. I only slept about an hour or 2, it was freezing ain at night, as usual. I had spent too much time in the cold that i now had the choills, and shivered constantly until i fell asleep on the bus in the morning. Im gonna go take another shit, i must have diarhea.

The bus came at 7 am and i got on and went right to sleep for 2 or 3 hours. We were headed for new york, which is where i came from. I got stuck sitting next to these really annoying really nerdy really jewish really rich really ass hole really fat kids from long island who kept giving a real hard time to this really great guy named Melrose Larry Green (www.melroselarry.com). He was really funny and cool but these kids were so obnoxious to him and just wouldnt shut up and every conversation they had turned into a conversation about pot with in 5 minutes. They are the kind of kids that think they so cool just cause they smoke pot which pisses me off, and are the type of persons that keep me from smoking pot. They were really really stupid, unbelievable and were the only ones giving Melrose Larry Green a hard time, and they thought they were so cool cause of it. That pissed me off. And on top of that, I had to sit next to one of them the whole way, whos name was Isaac.
So the bus got to New York around 12.30 or so, to Belmont Park, i think thats what it was called, just out side Queens. So i took the bus through run-dmc famous Hollis, and even got to see Hollis Street, and to Queens, to catch the F train back to Brooklyn to Lani R's apartment. I stayed at Lani's on Wednesday and Thursday and left my bags there while i was at woodstock. So i went tehere and took a nice shower and changed my shirt and shoes which i hadnt taken off since friday and my shirt which i hadnt taken off since tuesday. Boy that felt great. My feet smelt so bad though and were all wrinkled and pruned and smelled like the porta-johns, i left my shoes out side the apartment so they wouldnt smell the place up. Lani lent me some money for lunch, and then I packed my bags and left, got some delcious new york pizza, and then went to the port authority to take the bus back to providence and was back home by 10PM.

It was fucking awsome, if i had missed it id have been very pissed. Great music and a great crowd and a lot of nake girls and on top of that a great riot!!!! I managed to get through would stock only spending around 15 to 20 bucks, using the rest of my money for expensive new york city transportation, and spending it just perefectly so that by the time I got to Lani's, all i had money for was one more subway ride. So thank you very much for buying me lunch, Lani, she keeps it all good. Very special thanks again toi Nate D. as well, because I had to call him 3 times cause i kept loosing phone numbers, and with out him the weekend would not have even started, let alone happond.
Like I said, I only went to wood stock with what I had in my pockets, which proved effective cause i didnt loose ANY thing. In fact, its better than that, as i got only goty things at would stock. I come back from woodstock with red skin, burn bubbles, scraches, pealing skin, a hard nose, bumpy cheacks, lots of bruises, lots of cuts, mild diarhea and fucked ribs and a pair of sunglasses that i found. I am proud of everything I got wear it all with great pride. Tomarrow I am gonna try to get down to the hospitol to get my ribs checked out. I am excited because i fucking love the hospitol!!!!

Here is my list of all the bands i saw and a quick assesment:

Jamiroquai - ok
Live - sucked shit
Sheryl Crow - not bad
The Offspring - awsome, their albums are decieving
Insane Clown Posse - pretty good
P-Funk - awsomne
The Tragically Hip - not bad
Kid Rock - ok
Wyclef Jean - pretty good
Counting Crows - sucked
Alanis Morrisette - amusing
Limp Bizkit - awsome
Rage Against the Machine - pretty good
Willie Nelson - fucking awsome
Brian Setzer Orchestra - good
Everlast - sucked shit
Elvis Costello - fucking awsome
Jewel - not bad
Creed - ok
Red Hot Chili Peppers - fucking awsome
Jimi Hendrix Laser Show- stupid

And thats it for now. Send in your comments and questions. If you went, send in your review. If you watched some of it on tv, send in your review. Until next time, peace in the middle east.

And Understanding,
Lance Romañce

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