166: Some Magic Johnson
6;6;99 12\49Morn

Hey fukcas. What the fuck. We had that party on friday and we didnt get there till late and we were so deep in the woods, so if you issed us, sorry about that. We swam out to some island and i drowned, so I am writing you from the grave. No but seriously folks, i learned that I really can't swim. Every time i tried i stopped breathing, and so if i had to swim a whole mile i would have drowned, maybe even a half a mile. It is funny cause i must have taken 12 years of swimming lessons. I dunno. So who cares.

I ran out for a while, but I have more again, and the supply is, more or less, unlimited. If you would like one, find me and give me $5 and i will give you a CD (i will always have a few with me) or send $5 to:
Ben Garber
98 Elton st.
Providence, RI 02906
and let me know your address and i will send you one. If you want more than one, get one, and if your friends want some then get some for them or make them get it for their damn selves. Either way, just give me money.

Today we were on the high way, we saw a car that was on fire, coming right from the engine, and there was all this white colored smoke that was really bad. Then there was a man trying to put it out, covering his eyes as he tried to pour water on the fire. Now, this was a stupid thing to do. When a car catches on fire, water only worsens it. But people make mistakes all the time. People can't be expected to know what to do in every situation, and, what may seem like common knowlege to you and me, some one else might not know so well. Well, I know that someday, you will be in a siutuation where you don't know what to do, so I am gonna try to be of some help. I have here a list of common scinarios that people often do the wrong thing in, or just plain old don't have any idea how to react, and will tell you the best way to react. Now, if you think this is just some joke piece i'm doing, you are wrong. I madde this list with experts and these are how you should react, and not reacting the right way could possably result in tragedy. I talked to experts to find the best way to avoid tragedy, so remember this handy little thing i am making, and be safe, courtosey of the Lance Romañce Mailing List.

Scinerio: You get into a car accident and your leggs are stuck in the car and one of your arms fell of and your hair is on fire and you are sitting on the horn so the horn won't go off and you can't get out of the car.

What To Do: Try not to move too much, as this could only make it worse. If you try to roll over, you might scratch your self on broken glass or something, or get in a position that is harder to rescue you from. You need to get somebody to call 911, and in these days of car phones, some one probably will and paramedics will be there shortly. In the mean time, try to stay out of the way of passing traffic.

You are on an elevater and the cable breaks and you go hurdling twards your death.

What To Do: Jump up and down. If you are lucky, you will be in the air when the elevator hits the bottom, and so you wont feel the strong impact. This could save your legs, and possably your life.

Scinario: You are walking down the street when you see a baby stroller, which DOES have a baby in it, rollining into busy fast moving traffic. If the stroller is not stopped, the baby in side will surely die.

What To Do: Let it go, it is just a baby. By trying to save it, you are risking your own life, and might not even save the baby. By letting it go, you ensure that only one life is lost and not two. Besides, a baby is too young to have any idea what is going on, so it won't even know.

Scinario: You are at school and some kids that no one likes come in with bombs and start shooting everybody. You are a popular kid and have made fun of them, and are at high risk of getting shot.

What To Do: Join in and do what they are doing. Chances are, they will gain respect for you and not kill you. You can then claim it was self defense.

And this week we mark the return of the LETTERS section with a beutiful letter from listmember Loise E. of Shutup, Stupid:

What's up Ben? Hey I was wondering, you said you found a cure for my leprocy, and I forgot what you said the answer was? and it's picking up again so I need to know what it is so I cna get this problem under control! Anyway, time to go tak my English exam, but I always see you around! see you later!

Dear Louis,

Listmember Lani R. of Transilvania writes:

things NOT to bring:

dave mathews
bathing suits >>

I am highly insulted ben- no teachers! thats not nice...


Dear Lani,
If you would choose another profession, you would be very welcome. Thats just the way it works.

Will the letters section stay again??? Thats up to YOU to decide. Write in!!! Thanks, assholes.

Anyways, untill next time, I'm trying to get a prom date. See you later, mother caterer.

What Blasphamy is all about,
Lance Romañce

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