138: Happy New Year!!!!
12;15;98 1\57Morn

Howdy hi!!! I thought i would wish you all a happy new year early so i could just get it out of the way and i can sware at you more on new years. But in the mean time, i am proud to announce that the issue after next will be the 175th issue my mailing list. Not this one, not the next one, but the one after that, that one will be issue number 175. So, in conclusion.

In honer of this makeral event, I present you all with limited edition globes, which will allow you to find any place in the world with in seconds. This globe is 90% round and is capable of mairage. Thats right, it holds the legal title of Priest, so you can have this globe be the marier or your wedding. But its limited edition, so only a few exist, and you all get to have them!!!

I dunno. A few other people have tried to come up with their own mailing lists in spite of my own. One thing that inspired me to start this mailing list was an article i read in a magazine or on the internet or something (yes, reading is nerdy). It was about how to make your own mailing list, and tips of the trade, things you should and shouldnt do, and shlinkies like that. So i dunno where that article is, or anything, but here in my own words, are my mailing lists tips and tricks, to help you successfully start your own mailing list that will compete with mine until i dont have to write it any more (yay!!!).

1. Never subscribe people to your list. Send out ads, mention it to friends, but not obsessivly. Every mailing list member should come on by choice. If your list is good, word of mouth will get you plenty of new members. Most of you subscribed bnecause some one else suggested it, or some one forwarded an issue to them. i addvirtised very little. But just signing people up is annoying and people dont like it, so dont do it. Parots don't mind though.

2. Always provide information on how to subscribe and unsubscribe. Each and every issue of your list should provide a way for list members who dont like your list to get off, and for people who do like it to tell other people how to get on. Its only fair, much like the weather.

And thats it!!!! Those are my tits on making your own mailing list!!! But please don't do it.

The first letter this week is from list member Lizz W. of 6, 9:

Hey ben
im sorry your roomates suck. i wrote to u before about mine, and its gotten worse! This chick never goes to class, ever! she sleeps all day and leaves nasty take out food remnants ground into the rug. she has strange guys sleep here who she met from aol, everytime day i wake up shes got another guy in her bed. she goes out around 2am all the time and comes home at like 6 am and wakes me up each time, shes on the phone or computer all nite so i cant sleep wiht al the racket she makes. good thing is, im moving out! im moving into another dorm, pray i get a cool roomate!

Dear Lizz,
So now your siding with my cats??? Let me tell you, little miss prissy!!!! Thats the last time i let you change the litter box. Your fired!!! I'm putting you in the grooming department. Maybe you can get brain groomed, stupid!
Love,
lance

The 2nd letter is from list memmeber Bat M. of Lars, Bridges:

i hope your cats are ok. did you pull out theres eyes!


Dear Bat,
My room mates are move out. I suspect they will all be gone by no later than friday. Thats when i come home. I would be pretty annoyed if my room mates brought Steve Case home every night too. I don't really like steve case. If you want, i'll sleep in her bed some night and i will wear my america onlin sweat shirt and i will pain my eyes yellow so it looks like i have hepatitus. That would be awsome!
Love,
Lance

When i was 8 year old, i got a brand new Grow-A-Frog. Remember those??? You would send away for a tad pole and then you would grow it to a frog?? I had a about 3 or 4 unsuccesully, all of which i named Swimmer, Swimmer II, or something else along those lines. yeah, i think i had a 3rd named Jumper. Yeah so just 3. Well, the first one was when i was little. Maybe 3 or 4. You know the house i live in now?? It was before we lived there and we lived on the corner of williams and thayer street in this sort of house/apt. thing. My mom pickewd up the grow a frog kit at cvs or somethiong. We got the tad pole, but it turned into a polywog and so we sent away for a bigger tank (the tanks were small). Then we turned into a frog, and my parents decided that the bigger tank was becomig to small for it, and we needed a bigger tank. Now, sometimes i dunno how stupid my 20 something parents decided that insted of getting a new tank right a way, in the mean time we could just put the cover to the tank side ways. Well, aperently, they didn't watch all the cartoons that i did. Did they not know that frogs can jump? Well, swimmer jumped, and mom and dad told me the next morning. We didnt know exactly where Swimmer jumped off to, but i didn't grapes again for about 10 years. I couldnt tell the difference between green grapes and swimmer, and was afraid of accidently eating swimmer. So i declared my self a non grape eater, not even the purple kind, and didnt eat grapes again till about age 14.

But hark!! There is more!!!! a few years later, being 8 years old and living in my parents current house, not to mention 6th grade, we got our first cat. Being the only child of the family, i named the negro cat Sylvester "Cat-Nip" Garber, who i always referred to as Sylvester. Now, the very night that we got sylvester, i had an acadamy and i had to be taken to the hospitol. To the hospitol my family went, but, woops, wefor got Sylvester!!! Well, a few days later i was schedual to get my appendix removed, which they said would cure my acadamy right up. Well, it hurt so much i demanded they take it out early. They said it would have exploaded if they took it out any later. Looks like i knew better than the hospitol!!! My room mate in the hospitol was in cause he had really really bad constapation (this is the truth!). His family would always come in with GI Joes and all sorts of things and i was always so jeolous. I begged and begged and begged my parents and all i got was one Transformer. Well, i go back and stayed in my room every day for a week or so. I had Swimmer II at the time, which i dunno when i got him, but he was still a tad pole. They gave me a little green plastic spoon to feed him with, so i tried to. My dad's mom was a retired nurse. Betty, or Nana as i knew her, cared for me while my parents were working. She saw the PLASTIC spoon and assumed it was garbage, and threw out. I no longer knew how much to feed the frog, because i didnt have the spoon that carried the perect amount. I figured if i didnt know how much to feed the frog, i shouldnt at all. The frog died. Nana is still alive.

About a year later, my family went our first trip down to Disney World. With the frogs dead, as well as the lizards i never told you about, and the fish were dead too, and my great grand father died, well, the only one left at home alone was Syvester. My great grand father NEVER lived with us. He always scared me cause he was so old and he never flushed the toilet. But anyways, we had a lady come to our house and care for Sylvester a little while we were gone. The lady came and opened the door, and ZOOOM, Sylvester ran out the door. Later that night, Sylvester was hit by a drunk driver, and died. I found this out when i got home and for the firt time in my life, i cried.

Well, with sylvester dead, we needed another cat. We went down to the Local Animal Rescue Leage. This time, insted of buy the cat new, we decided we would buy it used. We went down and there were these 2 cats who were brothers. One i thought was particularly sexy, but the other kept licking my hand. The sexy one wasnt licking my hand. I copuldnt decide. They were cheap though, and i convinced my mutha to get both. The sexy one i named Cotton Ball, who earned the nick name Cotty. The one that thought i was sexy, the licky one, i named Tigey. Two years later, tigeys eyes turned yellow and he died of hepatitus. We replaced Tigey with Garfield. Garfield and Cotton Ball were still alive when i was home last weekend, and i presume they still are. Garfield's only problem is that she is missing a brown thing from her eye.

Well, i dunno. I guess you should write in some more letters and, if your really nice, youll find some new list members. But, until then, lets call it a day.

Love,
The Chicken Emprorer,
Lance Romañce


Thank you for reading this issue of tha Lance Romañce Mailing List. To subscribe, send an email to tendonitus@giantrats.com with the word "Subside" in the subject. For back issues, and just more entertainment, visit www.GiantRats.com.
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