132: Sexy + 17
11;25;98 8\36Morn

Hey all you turkey brains!!!!! What the fuck is wrong with you!!!!

I would like to start off this week by dancing off a rumor: Lance Romañce is NOT funny!!!!! Some people seem to think so and i am not sure where they get this idea from. I mean, just lissen to this joke that lance romañce made up:
Q: How long does it take a duck to cross the street?
A: 5 Minutes.
There, thats the joke. Thats not funny, thats stupid. Anyone who finds that funny should be hanging their head in shame. In other words, no body will be hanging their heads. Here is a nother example of one of Lance Romañce's shameless attempts to be funny that, as always, is just stupid:
Q: Why do doctors where lab coats?
A: Because they want to look like doctors.
See??? Now thats not funny. Just more proof that lance romañce isn't funny, so just shut up.

2ndly, i would like to answer another question people ask. "Where did you get the name Lance?" I got the name "Lance" the same place i got the name "Carne De Vaca": Spannish class. We were reading the book "Don Cayote" in spannish, and one of the words use ment "lance", as in that long stick thing that knights used when they rode their horses. You now what i mean??? They used them in jousts and shit. And i was thinking about the word and then i said "thats a great name" and my teacher told me to be quiet. But after that day i insisted on being called lance, and i started signing my papers "lance". My teacher started calling me "Lance Romance" (though i'm not sure why...) and i dicided i liked that too. So i kept it. I am now lance ro fucking mance and you fucking why so dont say you dont, pig! And on top of that I am changing my name once more. I am no longer Lance Romañce, I am Tofu Jenkins.

3rdly, i present you with listmember Bat M's nerdy report card. Why does she send me things??? Well, who cares. It fills up list space, dont it???

English 12/CP B
Intro to Psych/CP A-
French 4 H C
Adv. Alg & Trig/CP B-
Physics & Lab/CP A-
Wind Ensemble/H A
Health 12 B
Teacher Aide S

Ok, well here is this week's CBS mail bag. My room mate just farted:

The first letter is from list member Dana P. of Glocken, Spiel:

ben ben ben,

i didnt read this list because....actually, i dont know why...i just didnt...anyway, im a dave matthews advocate. but thats not the point... my point is to tell you it's a gay idea to protest a concert. and this is why- 1. it is stupid to spend your birthday with people you hate...you hate dave, so why would u want to spend time at one of his functions?? 2. at a concert, people go because they like the people playing...no one spends money to see people they dont like...therefore no one there shares the same cause as you... 3. it only draws more attention to his event and provides a greater chance that blunt object may be thrown at you.... anyway ben, im glad your roommate saga is over and i hope next year i dont get screwed over like that....have a good weekend.
yours most truly,
dana allison

Dear Dana,
Well, it may be gay to protest a concert, but its even gayer to protest a protest. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but thats just how it goes, titsie.
Love,
Tofu

The 2nd letter is from list member Rachel S. of Ear, Plugs:

Dear Lance,

Congratulations on your roommates moving out! And happy 19. you're right, nothing much happens at 19, except you gain some dignity. and dignity almost always works in your favor. i am turning 18 on the 29th, and these are all the things i will be able to do that were illegal before:

buy cigarettes
buy pornography
be served alcohol in quebec
vote
have sex with people over 18

isn't that nice? the classes you're signing up for sound totally amazing. i miss you around providence!

rachel

Dear Rachel,
Blah blah blah ginger. Blah blah ginger. Ginger, blah blah blah. Bettie Davis.
Love,
Tofu*

Here is a snippet from last summer when I went to see stray cat Brian Setzer:

>On saturday, The Brian Setzer Orchastra had a free concert at the
>governement center. The upside is that it was a fantastic concert, it is
>very far beyond the stray cats, this is a full piece big band. He did do
>stray cat strut though, but for the bass solo they went into the pink
>panther theme {and after words went right back in tostray cat strut to
>finish it], and he did rock this town and rumble in brighton as well.
>But most of the show were covers of classic old big band and jazz, from
>the 30s, 40s, 50s, early 60s. He did route 66 VERY well. And some
>origionals too. The down side, is it made my hereing a lot worse".

That was a good show, espeshaly since back then no one even knew who the Brian Setzer Orchestra was. Though i feel kind of silly for saying that the Brian Setzer Orchestra are better than the Stray Cats. The Orchestra is missing 2 very important things: Lee Rocker and "Slim Jim" Phantom. the bassist and drummer respectively. And they did use horn sections, but only when appropriate. No body knew him until they started playing Jump, Jive & Wail on the radio a lot, and also that was before all the new alt.swingers were around, the only people who knew Brian Setzer were cool. Not that I'm cool or anything, but i first started lissening to Brian Setzer Orchestra way back in 96. I first got into the stray cats back in 94. Well, brian setzer came to town again and i saw him again and he played rock this town again. The origional Rock This Town is great but the reworked version kind of sucks. But I went with list member Dick M.

Also, i'd like to mention again that though her report card was nerdy, Bat M. is a cool kid. Similer to Dick M. who also gets nerdy grades. Here now dick M. takes his nerdy skills to tell you about our weekend:

i, dick morrow, swear that this is as accurate as this story is ever going to get this weekend i went to boston by bus looking for love and found lance romance we walked from south station, where we bought our round trip bus tickets to worcester, ma, to a joke shop but the only funny thing in there was that old men were playing with fake crap we then went to the cajun kitchen and had some of that swamp food which was really good and they had ketchup in those plastic cylinderical squirt bottles and were playing some zydeco music we then went to berklee and of course right when we go in theyre playing jazz then we got a guest pass so i could sleep in lance's room but i think that i wasnt going to be allowed in after 12midnight anyway so a guest pass was really no use as our bus back was at 12:05am we went up into his room so he could change from his green army jacket into a suede leather and sheeps wool jacket which he had written "stop wearing fur" on the back of it in black magic marker and im surprised that he was able to get his room so messy in only two and a half months we then went to jp licks and got some milkshakes and lance complained that the cups had a stupid cow on the side of them we went to starbucks to drink them and to nerdwatch mind you we didnt and would never buy anything from that place we then walked back to the bus station to catch the 7:05 bus to worcester on the bus we had extensive talks on how to start our own country and the bus driver was friends with every tollbooth operator on the mass pike it seemed at 8:05 we arrived in worcester we walked for about 20minutes through a mall, that had a seat already set up to take pictures with santa, to the polladium to see what band was playing that night it was the brian setzer orchestra led by brian setzer who also led the most famous 80s rockabilly band ever: the stray cats and it just so happened that i had a ticket that i had bought earlier from lance lance thought he had a ticket too but after he looked through all his pockets he remembered that he had left his ticket in his green army jacket in his room at berklee i laughed and lance kept looking through his pockets then we started looking for a way to sneak in as we were looking a helpful man offered to sell us a ticket for $20 lance gave him a $10 bill and he gave him the ticket then a police officer came over and the guy said we could keep the other $10 so he got a ticket for less than half of what he originally got it for they let us both in and we found that they had oversold the show which meant that there were more swing kid dorks and their parents than the place could hold we walked around calling this non listmember girl rena's name and eventually found her boyfriend who she was supposed to go with and he said she stayed home to watch a friends band practice and lance saw a girl from berklee so we walked around trying to find a place to watch the show from and got yelled at by the bouncers for standing on the stairs then we went up to the balcony to watch the show and we sat on some seats by the doorway to the balcony we said "enjoy the show" and "rock n roll" to people and i held out my hand for tips two voluptuous women came up to us and asked to be let in i looked them over and said "yes i think ill let you come in" then i told about 5 kids to clear the way for everyone else to which some guy yelled "oh thank god the way is cleared!" and there was this one 18yr old girl who was trying to find seats for these 5 kids i asked if i could help her and she began telling me about her search for seats i shook my head in understanding and said "well maybe you should talk to mitch (and I pointed at the bouncer) because he has the seating tonight" and one of the kids she was with a girl around 14 years old said "he doesnt work here or anywhere look at the way hes dressed" i said "how dare you say that i dont work here" they turned to leave and lance said "enjoy the show" then we went to the other side of the balcony, after we handed out some fuck work stickers and some lady said she liked my hair, where we saw those two girls again we asked if they found their seats the 18 year old was mad but the 14 year old said "yes thank you for your help" then we were standing on the balcony pathway overlooking the stage because there were no more seats while the bouncers yelled at us to find somewhere else to stand we couldnt go downstairs because they would yell at us to get off the stairs as that was the only place to stand and there were no seats upstairs it was so packed even some cops were there a silly swing band opened called 8 1/2 souvenirs or something like that but they were terrible and had no energy you could tell they just figured out what swing was a few weeks ago two 23 old year girls and a 23 old year guy came up to us and started yelling and swearing so we joined in and they said they saw us at south station they were drunk and i asked if i could have a sip of what they were drinking one girl gave me her cup and i took a swig and gave it back then they asked where we went to school i said brown but they didnt believe me and so i showed her my moses brown id with the word moses covered but she took it and saw i was in 11th grade and she was impressed that i was in high school and she said she was 6 years older than me which i guessed meant she wasnt going to fuck me they, like us, came to hear stray cats songs not "jump jive and wail" the lights were turned down and we went and sat on the seats near the edge of the balcony they opened the curtain and people went wild the band (4 trumpets, 4 trombones, 6 saxaphones, drums and an upright bass) was dressed in green smoking jackets and brian setzer came out with a big piece of blond hair hanging off the front of his head and a hollowed body orange gretch guitar he played some big band standards then he said "i seem to write a lot of songs about cats" and started "stray cat strut" in the middle of this the lights went pink and he broke into the pink panther theme he wouldnt have played "jump jive and wail" if he were really a punk but a least he didnt play it for the encore then the band started a song that i had no idea what it was it turns out that it was the new version which i didnt really like of "rock this town" another stray cats classic he also played "wild saxaphone" which lance really liked and "sleepwalk" a slow dance classic for his first encore he played "rumble in brighton" on the second encore the curtain closed and when it opened the band had on yellow smoking jackets they mamboed and played "tequila" and finally "sexy and 17" which is a song that can teach all of us something then they started filing everyone out in front of us were some teenage girls that kept dancing in front of us and looking at us when we tried to give them a "fuck work" sticker they just looked at us maybe it was because their parents were right behind them we also tried to give a fuck work to this guy handing out radio station stickers and he got pissed off cause lance made fun of the station then we stood around and tried to include ourselves in conversations with people we didnt know and said "yeah lets go do that" to them when they were making plans then these girls were calling for their friend becca to get out there and lance started screaming "becca get out here right now becca get the fuck out here" then they found her and they thanked us then lance said "fuck you" to some girl while her father was right behind her it was about 11:48 so we decided to head over to the bus station to catch our 12:05 bus we started walking through worcester towards the greyhound station the mall was closed so we walked into a parking garage and asked the attendant where the station is some girls were laughing at lances coat but we just gave them them finger and yelled it never occured to us to ask them for a ride then as we walked out on the highway towards the bus station the same girls passed us and we waved to them and they waved back but they didnt stop also a different girl in a car started singing "kill the rabbit" like elmer fudd when she saw lance's jacket and they yelled some more insults at us we ran the rest of the way towards the bus station until we saw there was no bus there it was about 12:03am we then walked the rest of the way and asked a guy there if the bus had left he didnt really speak english but he said yes anyway then at 12:15 we asked a cab driver who had been waiting there and he said "it left early and its 80 bucks to boston" it left early!! and this was the last bus until 7:30am!! it was quite cold that night so lance tried to call some girls named maura, who goes to berklee, and briana in boston to pick us up we talked to them for about half an hour and i even ran up the highway to see what exit to get off they said they would not come we were pissed we walked back to the polladium to try and get someone there to give us a ride to boston but everyone had left also all the bars were letting out and we asked some drunk people for a ride but none of them were going to boston or were just way too drunk then we went around and asked the guys around brian setzers tour bus if they were going to boston and they said no so relying on survival methods learned in providence we looked for a hotel so we could sleep in the lobby the first one we went to was the regency suites we went in and the guy saw us and said "can i help you?" i said "we just want to use your phone" and he said "those are not public phones those are for the use of paying tenants only" even though they were plainly bell atlantic pay telephones so you can shitlist the regency suites for puting a couple of poor kids out into the freezing cold for the entire night then we went to a convience store and tried to use their phone but it wouldnt let us dial 1-888 numbers so we went outside as we stepped outside we caught a glimpse of our sanctuary: the crown plaza hotel this we about 1:30am we went right to the pay phones and tried to call listmember andre but his number was down and non listmember and ex waitress lindsay laxon but her mom said she was at brown then we tried to call maura and briana again this time lance called on public phone 2000 and talked for about an hour they said that they only had a 2 seated car and lance thought they were drunk and they said they were falling asleep we gave a few reasons why they should pick us up like: she could drive out to worcester and only lance and i would drive back to boston, my nose was purple because it was so cold, we were in the ghetto, it was only a 10 minute drive, we would tell her stories, we had tapes, and i would sit on the gear shift but then the phone went dead but we could still hear the tv in the background we dont know where they went so i decided to call greyhound bus and complain about what time the bus left: the greyhound operator answered: "can i help you?" i said "yes id like to make a complaint" she said "ill give you the customer service department number" and she gave me the number i called and a recorded message said customer service was closed so i called back and the operator answered "can i help you?" i said "id like to make a complaint" she said "let me give you the customer service department number" i said "actually the complaint is about the customer service department not being open" then we inspected the hotel for any rooms we could sneak into and sleep but found none instead we just went out into the lobby and sat on the couch we started to go to sleep and the manager came over and said we werent allowed to sleep in the lobby he also said there was a tv on the other side of the room so at about 3:00 we went over to the other side of the lobby i sat up right and took out my sunglasses i put them on and went to sleep and the manager couldnt tell if i was asleep or not but he kept checking on us anyway but for some reason lance kept waking me up just to tell me stupid things or like he did one time to get me to give him my calling card while i was half asleep and he used it to put annoying messages on maura and briannas answering machine and to be a pain in the ass because he forgot his sunglasses and couldnt go to sleep instead of sleeping he tells me he watched charles in charge and the news and such and such and such it was about 6:00am when lance woke me up one final time to tell me that we were going for breakfast we went out into the chilly chilly morning to find out that worcester sucks!! theres nothing open at 6 except for this one convenience store at the shell station across from the bus station we went in there for some breakfast there was a cowboy looking white guy with a big handbar mustache and this hindu looking husband and wife all guarding this store with no one in it except us lance picked out some mini muffins and then put them back when he found he could get popcorn for 25cents and a strawberry milk for $1 i got some raspberry jelly candy and we went up to the counter with the wife behind it she said right away "wheres that other thing that you had?" i asked "what other thing?" she said "that other thing that he had" i said "he put that back thats allowed isnt it?" she said while pointing to a bulge in my leather jacket "whats this then?" i said "its my jacket" then she came pretty close to touching my jacket which would have pissed me off and said again "whats this?" i unzipped my jacket because i just wanted to go and said "see theres nothing here" then she started to ring everything up and she forgot to charge tax on my item and didnt know if there was tax on it so she had to do it again which was very amateurish and then she didnt even charge tax on lances items which was stupid of her because i dont think they were considered food so we paid and said "asshole" and "bitch" on the way out so theres another place to boycott: the shell convience store in worcester across from the greyhound station so i want everyone to drive there and walk it and handle a lot of items and then just leave we continued on to the station across the street all the while watching over our shoulders for a guy with a shotgun lance asked the guy where a man can get breakfast in this town at 6:30am he said the whitetower we thought he meant an actual white tower which was pretty close to us so we started walking towards that about two blocks away we saw a pizzeria right out of the eigthies called the whitetower and there were lots of old gristled men in there eating breakfast presumably stuck in this town just like us and we had already given up on worcester when we found the holy grail on the back page of the menu lime and raspberry-lime rickeys!! i ordered hash browns a ham and cheese omelette toast a raspberry-lime rickey and i ate lances bacon he ordered four pieces of french toast and a strawberry milkshake all this was $8 and some cents we walked back to the bus station to see the boston 7:30 bus pulling in at 7:15am we ran not wanting to be stuck in worcester until sunday night or whenever the next bus was luckily we caught the bus and the bus driver sang to us until 7:30 when the bus left i slept until we got to boston at 8:30 and lance and i said "fuck you" to each other the next bus for providence was at 8:45 but that bus had a stop in worcester!! there wasnt a bus after it until 11:00 so i took that one i slept in the three seats in the absolute back of the bus near the bathroom until we were getting off the highway into providence when i got off the bus i noticed about three seats in front of me sat amy sanderson a moses brown teacher with some other guy luckily she said nothing to me and hopefully she didnt notice me because i stayed home on monday sick but really i had too much work to do and too little sleep from this trip i was glad to be back in providence and so all we left worcester with was a few more companies to call and complain to: greyhound bus, shell gasoline, and regency suite hotels and throw in starbucks coffee too


Yeah, good story. I gavent read it yet, but i will tell you more in the next issue. But, man! What a weelend...

Anyways, thats it for now. Be sure to write in. This extra long list hopefully kept you busy all weekend so write in, young nazis!

Love,
Your Humming Lemming,
Tofu Jenkins


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