Happy Closed Day!!!!
10/11/98 1:47 AM

Hey everyone. Tomarrow, or today actualy is another one of those days when everything is closed except the movie theater and the place in which i am working. so i have to work dang. dong. darng. darn. fuck.,\\\\\

Eh, ehnny hoo, whats up??? How are you all??? In the last mailing i made a mistake. I said that once i hit 100 list members i will give evry list member 10 dollars. This seemed like a pretty good idea until i realised that was 1000 dollars. Sorry, but thats too much money for a white man such as myself, so I am just gonna send every body a piece of paper that has been touched by room mate Jason.

Well, youve probably all ready herd this, but president Clinton has been shot dead. I am watching TV and they just interupted with the news and they are going all off on how clinton has been shot. Well, youll read about it and probably here about it alot so im not gonna waste your time but i dunno, just make sure to watch those late night TV shows. I am wondering if they will still do monologues.

here is another story i wrote LONG ago. Its nothing great, but its somewhat amusing. In fact it sucks, but you can read it anyways.

It was 1968, and a man in a faded red bandana and blue jeans was
just turning 18. He had waited his whole childhood for this. It
had been so long since he was born. It was about time he became
an adult. He was very excited. And it would figure that the very
day he turned 18, he would get his high school diploma. He was
now an "educated adult." He was very happy about this. In the
fall, he would be attending RIJC and would be continuing his education
there. He was going to be a medical doctor, preferably a surgan
of some sort. He was very infatuated by cutting things open, and
fiddling with the insides
He always carried a briefcase around with him. It was old and
beat up. It was something he had had for about 9 years now. He
got it when he was younger because he wanted to look like an adult.
Ever since he had been using at school to carry books and papers
and mice and pencils in. It had gotten very beat up over the years,
more from people playing "keep away" with it than anything.
A lot happened with that brief case. When he was in the 11th grade,
for example, he got to take a tour of the hospital. He went into
a surgery session and saw the doctors fix up somebody's appendix
that had erupted. He had his briefcase with him when he went in,
but not when he went out. He left it in the surgery office. And
it somehow spilled open and they mistook the scalpel that he had
in it for the scapel they were using. His scalpel, though visibly
clean, was infected with euphoria. The patient ended up getting
euphoria and dying. Then the family sued the hospital. Woops!!!

A few years later, he graduated. And, right after graduation,
he went on a cross country trip. By canoe!!! He packed every thing
he could into his briefcase: Food, water, a tent, clothes, a telephone....
He got that thing mad packed. About 2 weeks into the trip, a trechid
storm came.
"Boom, crash,"; said the storm. Then God appeared in the distance.
In a vibrant voice, God called to him.
"Give me the briefcase."
"No," he said.
"Give me the damn thing, you fuck face."

ho hum. I dunno. im just el mucholio boredo! I guess the first letter is from list member Marro T. of ICan, County:

dear lance
even though she is a nonlist member lindsay the waitress who goes to brown
university deserves to be thanked lindsay quit the newport creamery a few
days ago after months of dedicated service to the common restaurant patron
never again will you be able to come to the newport creamery on wayland
square after staying out all night and get a free cherry awful awful and a
junior cheeseburger that she made sure no one spit in we can only hope
that shell get a job at the silvertop or the foxy lady next
dick morrow

Dear Marrow,
This has come to my attention. But why worry??? As long as we still have margerette we can still get kids meals and all sorts of bags filled with 3 dinner rolls, a plastic salad container of ice burg lettuce, a small cup of jimmies, a small cup of colored sprinkles, a small cup of butter, 2 grape jellies, 2 strawberry jellies, 2 orange marmalades, 25 pickles in a chinese restaurant box, 3 mustards, 6 ketchups, 2 knives with out even charging us a muther fuckin penny. So yeah lindsey is gone, but we still have our delicious Margerette.

The 2nd letter is from Martha P. of Abu, Dabi:

dear lance,

let's have a limerick contest. this is my entry:

There was a young girl from Japan
Whose limericks never would scan.
When she was asked why,
She replied with a sigh,

love, cornflake

Dear Martha,
Ok, thats a good idea. You send in the first one and i'll print it in the next mailing.

ps. Not a contest. Just a publication. Anywone can send in and they dont have to worry about being loosers.

I dunno. I lack creativity tonight so i will just give it up to my man Disclaimor. See yall next week, i have some fun things planned and assure you another amusing list el soonero.

The co founder of Cheese Puffs™,
Lance Romañce

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