114: Your Letters
9/22/98 12:47 PM

oh no!!! Here is a big big problem: I just went to the ATM and found that I am 900 bucks in debut. This is a bad thing, espeshaly since i never spent 900 bucks!!!!!! I havent even bought anything since LAST monday (not yesterday, the week bore yesterday). I hasve not bought anything in 8 days but some how im 900 dollars in debut, which i wasnt 8 days ago. This is no good. 900 bucks is a lot of money.

The band I'm in i thought went well. We arent the punk band that we thought we woulkd be. We just jammed for a while and sounded a lot like anthrax and sonic youth. We started to work out a song last night and it sounded good, i dont know how to discribe it. But our worked out bit didnt sound like either of those bands. I was sirprised that we sounded good cause i really expected us to suck.

This last issue has resulted in more letters than i have evr gotten for a single mailing in the history of my list. I was kind of sirprised that it was actualy quite popular, and no one really stepped in to defend Jerry. I have not yet herd from jerry, though, but i hope to. Maybe jerry will learn something.

Anyways, here are some of the letters I recieved.

Leon Z. of Death Row Records writes:


I think that either Jerry should be excommunicated from the list or should
should send a special issue to him where the names are in a BCC field. That
would show the bastard. You hear that, Jerry? He's new to the list too,
isn't he? Think you can just hop in and screw us over? HAH! I THINK NOT. If
you broke a wrist I would laugh a thousand laughs.

1000 laughs!

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

That is only 1/10th of what you would get! (+1!) ha!

-Hunter, King Elessar of Middle Earth

Dear Leon,
Actualy, Jerry isn't new at all. He subscribed last summer, thoiugh he has never read the list. I tried BCCing the list before but AOL wont let me send it like that. I would take Jerry off the list but, thats just what Jerry wants. Nope, no way. Jerry is stuck on the mailing list as part of his punishment.

Jill M. of Fluffy, Balls writes:

hello, hello, hello!!!
long time no see, huh? have you missed me? i'd just like to tell you and all the people on the list that even though i don't know him, JERRY IS A FUCKHEAD!!! ok, that's out of my system.well, i'm gonna go, i'll talk to you later!
p.s. ben, we should go try out for Rocky Horror together, i think you'd make a good Dr. Frank N. Furter. :-)

Dear Jill,
Ok, lets do it!!!

Shannon A. of Toilet, Seat writes:

Ben... I have to say that this was one of your most entertaining letters ever... I mean they're all entertaining but this one was the shit. I absolutely despise Jerry and he treated me like I was stupid for the longest time, meaning he would patronize me and make fun of me and have his loser friends try to bother me online when in fact his loser friends ended up making fun of him to me... so once again I just want to say that you are truly the bomb and feel free to bash Jerry whenever you want.

Dear Shannon,
This weekend, let's toilet paper Jerry's car!!!

Rachel S. of Hamburg, ER writes:

hello lance,

i know it's been awhile, that's b/c my motherboard is gone, it's left the fatherboard and babyboard without so much as an alimony payment--er, yeah. anyhoo, now i have my computer again. <<much joy>>

nice job bashing jerry, i haven't heard anything so appropriate in weeks!

finally, one question: if baby oil comes from babies, where does extra virgin olive oil come from?


Dear Rachel,
It comes out of my ass. Want to come toilet papering with me and shannon?

Laura S. of Moo, Cow writes:

I feel my letter was a tad overshadowed by the overwhelming Jerry-hate that was going on in your last newsletter, not that he didn't deserve it.... I'm just saying that was an excellent french letter and it got buried. I'm sad. :(

Dear Laura,
French is for girls.

Dana P. of Chocolate, Milk writes:

dear ben,

i would like to file a complaint about jerry... he wanted to sleep with my dog... i tried to tell him no, but he was persistant. he called at all hours of the night and would leave love notes on the front step for the dog... finally we had to get a restraining order... jerry has ruined my dogs and my family's lives.
but on a less serious note, i suppose i could ask some questions that other list members may be curious about..... like what is the T??? and whatever happened to that mouse in your room??? i think thats about it for now....have superb rest of the day..

what do you think when someone tells you to go suck an egg,
dana allison

Dear Dana,
Why does this story not sirprise me. The T is the boston subway. Being from the chicago that you are, i supose it would be similer to the L, only the T is not always elevated. I took out the trash and the mouse noises stopped. When some one tells me to suck an egg, i think of you.

Krissy F. of Super, Man writes


just thought I'd comment on how great the last letter was from you. You're

so right, Jerry has way too much of an ego trip going for him.

Dear Krissy,
I don't think its a trip. You usualy come back from a trip.

Ahhh, the sweet smell of mail. Well, I hope to be back to regular writing soon. Send in some new letters, about what ever, wether they are jerry or not. I think this last letter is gonna be getting mail for a while, and i still await Jerry's own response.

I have to send a shot out to listmember Bat M. who got her self a promotion at work, shes now a counter girl. I also would like to send a shot out to Fred, the dunkin donuts guy, who retired exactly one year ago (maybe it was tomarrow). I hope retirment is treating you well. We miss you, ol' buddy!!!

And on one last jerry note, I would like to share with you all an excerpt from the letters section of the mailing entitled "Aruba, Jamaica ", sent out on 2-11-98

listmember Jerry St. J. of But, Ler.

Grrr Ben,
My very own, one of kind, once in a life time, 18th birthday comes and
goes (February 7th) and do i get anything? NO... NOT EVEN A HAPPY
BIRTHDAY or anything. Well, I guess you sure showed me how much you
care, so much for the king of the lions.


p.s. how did the hair (or lack there of) thing work out?

Dear Jerry,
Its kind of funny that you say that, as i have absolutely no memory of
you ever wishing me a happy 18th birthday. I guess you showed me how
much care too.

p.s. is my hair working? what a strange question.

Anyways, i will see you liter.

the king of lions,
Lance Romañce

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