113: Jerry: Portrait of a Moron
9/20/98 1:39 AM

Hello all, and welcome back to my mailing list (not my list of names). I would like to start off by welcoming two new members: First of all, I would like to welcome two brand new list members. List member Josh B. is joining us from the sky. Thats right,, he lives in the clouds. He is the son of frankenstien, and the daughter of a sperm. New list meber Sarah, who has no sur name, joins us from her home in your ass. Thats right, Sarah lives in your ass, as she is a part of the small intestine.

Now, i know the both of you are new to this list and i dont want you to get the wrong impression, this mailing list isnt normaly one that will be telling soime one off or dedicated to insulting one person in paticular, and i hope youll enjoy my future mailings. But be aware of some of the rules that i post at the bottom of each issue, and i like you to follow these rules. What happens if you don't follow these rules???? Well, you might want to ask listmember Jerry St. J, who broke a few rules. In this issue, i will show you what jerry did wrong, what he did wrong before this, and why he is a fuck face.

Broken Rule #1:
If you have something that you would like everybody on this mailing list to read, send it to me and I decide weather it is apropriate for the my mailing list or not. But mass mailings, including forwards and/or advirtisements, are strictly forbidden.

Here is an excerpt from jerry's mail, showing an uncanny violation of this rule:

>I'm taking advantage of Ben Garber's Mailing list list of names to send
>out a letter to my friends and associates.

There!!! How blatent is that!!!! What a fuck face you are, jerry!!!! This isnt just some list of names you can take and do what ever you want to do with!!!! You cant take my mailing list and make ity yours. People signed up for mine, and thats what they get and not your crap and bull shit. You dont even know most of these people, I dont even know most of them, and most of the people you know on the list probably dont want to here from you anyways. And the fact that you tell every one you got there names from my list makes me a bad person to them, if people use my mailing list as their own, then people dont want to be on my list cause they dont feel safe. You have to respect their privacy, Jerry, and your invading. As usual, you didnt think jerry. Thinking before you do things is an ability you have prooven to the world over and over that you dont have and your a selfish pompus shit faced muther fucker. I think every one who knows you would agree. Jerry, you dont read my mailing list anyways.

Broken Rule #2:
All names and email addresses that appear in this mailing, and/or are members of this list are not for sale and not to be used for commercial use, and are protected under this statement. Using these names and addresses for any sort of commercial use may result in penalty.

Jerry, i know how you are. You just as heartless a corperation as mcdonalds or microsoft. I know as well as you do that if some one wants to stay with you, you will want some thing in return. Saying you would compensate for people to send you stuff is bull shit too, and you know that. Jerry, remember the time i really need a ride and you refused to give me one unless i paid you????? Remember the timeS you tried to guilt me into thinking that you had done me a favor by giving me a ride and tried to get me to do something for you??? And you do this to every body. But you cant guilt me jerry, cause i did pay you for that ride, and it was no incoinveniance to you and gas didnt cost nerely as much as you charged me. But you knew i was desperate and you took advantage of me, and then tried to convince me that it was a favor and that i should return it. You know what though???? When i was really hubngry and i stopped at mcdonalds and asked for some fries and they made me pay, they never said "we did you a favor cause you were starving and we gave you food, so maybe you could help us out by wearing a mcdonalds shirt." Thats because your worse than mcdonalds, jerry. Classical must be a far more joyus place this year.

I remember about a week ago or two, and me and listmember Matt R. were both on the T, coinsidently enough, the same exact car you happond to be on. You were with your pals who obviously werent very fond of you, and you obviously werent fond of them. And you came over and asked me if i could give every one your address so they could sleep with you. Do you remember that matt???? And the funny thing was that you were serious about it too. Jerry, I know where the hookers are back in providence.

I bet that list member Jen B. is smiling very widely right now, right jen???? Jen, why dont you do me a favor. Why dont you write a little piece on why YOU hate jerry, what did jerry do to you>??? DOn't hold back, be brutal. And at that, i would like to invite anybody who has anything nasty to say about jerry to write in and let me know, and i will probably post it. And remember, send it to me, not the entire mailing list.


Now if anywone else breaks a rule, you probably wont get a whole issue dedicated to you. It really depends on who you are. Jerry is a shit face and just kind of cut the last straw. The main thing is i want jerry to think before he does somnething stupid again. Maybe he'll think he doesnt want to get pub licly dissed again and turn around before he does something thats gonna piss people off. Though this is doubtful cause we all know that jerry doesnt think. He literaly doesnt.


Todays first letter is from listmember Laura S. of Jerrysucks, Yeah!

Lance,

Je sais comment tu aimes les lettres en francais, si j'ai decide de t'ecrire. Ca va? Ou est ta chatte? La plume de ma tante est sur la table.

Aller s'installer sur une autre planete n'est plus exclusivement du domaine de la science-fiction. Comment envisagez-vous la vie sur une de ces planetes avant et apres l'arrivee d'etres humains? Seriez vous tente de participer a une telle aventure?

ton amie,
Laura

Dear Laura,
I think they call it a penis in spannish too.
Love,
Lance

The second letter is from listmember Amy no last name of Hell Yeah, Jerrysucks!

Hi Lance. Just wanted to say hi. I don't know you personally, but hey, I like to be friendly. Just ask Pete M.- he's on your list.
Bye, Amy

Dear Amy,
As you all ready know, i like to be friendly to. You know that i love you and i always will. Fuck hold on, i think i here a mouse.We have mice in my room and i think there is one in my stuff right now. Oh well, cant do much about it. Hey, at least its not jerry!!!!
Love,
Lance

Anyways, im gonnna pretty much leave this mailing at this. I will tell you about work and my new band in the next mailing, which will be much kinder and gentler. I apolagise to my new list members for having this be your first list cause i know its not very welcoming, and i apolagise t all the people that jerry wrote to today in the hopes of getting laid. And to jerry, dont worry. There are girls who will sleep with anything, so hang around them you might get lucky eventualy.

Yeah theres definately a mouse around here. Well, untl next time, so long. Send in those nasty stories about jerry. Good night and thanks for the unlevened bread.

Love,
The disney land of your heart,
Lance Romañce


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