98: Lance Is Leaving
7.5.98 12\25Nite

hey everybody. I am going to new york until friday so your lives will be misrable and boring till then.

I'd like to start off this issue by welcoming a new member: Lindsey C. Lindsey is a deer hunter from Montrial. She has great cunning, and a big gun.

LANCE ROMANCE'S BACK: a special report
Lance Romance has back problems!!!! Ow! What kind of back problems??? Well, his back hurts, and he cant look down. A massage would be great!!!! But as back problems presist, i dunno, i am gonna take a shower right now. Then I will come back and write some more list.

I took a shower now and my back still hurts, its been hurting a few days now. Ow!!!

here is a story i wrote based on a moral, so here ya go. Remember i own it:

There once was a dog who was made of katchup who didnt like to eat chease. "Donkeys are our friends," he would frequently complain. He would always like to yank un turtle bums and puch people off the sides. If that wasn't enough, her big teeth looked like big hairy apples. "Paris?" people would say??? No, apples.
Yesterday two or three of them thought they were kids but they werent. So insted they tuned into a great station south of the bronx. Elvis sometimes wore her hair like that too. But frequently it was really thelma. So what really happond was just that.
Cancer was taking its tole on the rest of my kids. My kids always asked me for gum but i would say "not till daddy goes to sleep." So they would poison her sandwiches then kill the moths and go back to bed. No gum.
I think it was a bad idea for the pigs to act that way. I mean, thirty of forty. Sometimes they sell more than they make, but thats life. Thats buisness. The end of the cactus trail always ends up.
Where ever it is, its not in texas. The all ready tired tomato saucers were killing it, though. So i guess that was ok. The moral is that this story makes no sense.

And now, Lance's list of the top ten signs your cat is lost. I am gonna make this up my self.

10. You can't find your cat
9. You;re cat is lost
8. Your cat is reading the map upside down
7. You yell "here kitty, kitty" and you're cat doesnt respond
6. You threw you're cat off a bridge
5. You lent your cat to Jimmy Hoffa
5. You're cat calls you up and says "where the hell is Saskatchawan?"
3. You're cat is dead
4. You're cat is bad at counting
3. You told a bear to watch you're cat but never told it not to eat it
2. You call the police and say "my cat is lost"
1. Who cares?

And now letters:

Buzz W. of The Far Left writes:

Dear Lance
Ben this is Buzz I play the flute and sing

Dear Buzz,
Flute toot toot. Root goot loot flute. Tooty flutey, oh rudy. A womp boba lu bomp. A wamp bamp boom.

the 2nd letter is from Erin S. of Ginger, Spice World:

go to http://www2.bc.edu/~sullivnv/family.html and at the bottom there is a gimp picture of me and my sister, im the one on the right. i look stupid but you will finally get some idea of what i look like

Dear Erin,
I am the one on the left.

And a special third letter from Jen B. of Hitlerville:

Why were u in the paper? what section was it?

Dear Jen,
I was in the paper cause i saved a burning cat from a building. I was in the metro edition, which only comes out in providence and east providence, I believe.

NOW STOP CALLING ME BEN!!!! and write more letters please. I leave for new york tomarrow and i expect to see at LEAST two letters from every list member, as well as at least 2 new list members. I am expcting this. So do what i say, list members. Or beware!

go on down to kenedy plaza. When you get there, locate the fleet building, and across the street from the fleet building is the bust stop for busses 20, 21, and 22. If you look in the middle of the street, there are painted barriers, one which largely says "art on the go". If you look just to the left of that one that says "art on the go", you will see a picture i painted (and you will see it if you look cause it says my name). Anyways, go see it, please. Anyone who tells me what my picture says will get a free posicle (my name is on the picture so you cant sty you didnt know which one was mine if you look). Insidently, the number 20 bus was the bus i took to school every day. Though the 21 and 22 would both take me with in a block if i missed the 20.

And now, the real world:

>Mattski300: are you still there, I'm back
>MLSchind: I'm here
>Mattski300: d'accord, je n'ai plus de faim
>MLSchind: qu'est-ce que tu as mange?
>Mattski300: mmmm, j'ai mange un BLT
>Mattski300: j'avait etudie le francais pour trois ans
>Mattski300: et tu?
>MLSchind: j'etudie depuis 5 annees
>Mattski300: d'accord, tu parle tres bien
>Mattski300: "parles"
>MLSchind: merci beaucoup, parce-que je suis un senior, j'ferrai l'examen AP
> cette annee
>MLSchind: 'je' pas j'
>Mattski300: oui, je prends le course d'ete parce que je veux prendre AP
>MLSchind: est-ce que tu as pris les examens AP l'annee derniere?
>MLSchind: j'ai fait Calc AB
>Mattski300: oui, histoire
>Mattski300: savez-vous votre note?
>MLSchind: je veux savoir mon note
>Mattski300: ah, moi-aussi
>MLSchind: non, juin 9
>Mattski300: juillet?
>MLSchind: oui, je suis desolee, juillet
>Mattski300: je pense que j'ais fait tres mal
>MLSchind: est-ce que tu penses que la plupart des membres de la liste de
>Monsieur Ben savent francais?
>MLSchind: je pense que j'ai fait assez bien, un 4 peut-etre
>Mattski300: je ne sais pas...pas beaucoup...je sais que Monsieur "Lance" ne
> parle pas francais
>MLSchind: il est un bete, n'est pas?
>Mattski300: Bien-sur! Qui est-ce que ne sait pas ca?
>MLSchind: personne
>Mattski300: oui, j'espere que il ait une dictionnaire francais-anglais
>MLSchind: oui, mais je le doute, il est gauche et penible aussi
>Mattski300: oui, c'est vrai
>MLSchind: j'ai une chatte
>Mattski300: un moment, je dois mettre votre nom sur mon "buddy list"
>MLSchind: d'accord
>Mattski300: "chatte"?
>Mattski300: qu -est que ca?
>MLSchind: un chat, mais feminine
>Mattski300: ah, j'en ai deux
>MLSchind: tu parles trop bien pour moi
>Mattski300: non non, ce n'est pas vrai
>Mattski300: j'ai deux chattes
>MLSchind: il faut que je sors maintenant
>MLSchind: mais, je me suis amuse beaucoup

Matt, i never knew you had 2 pussies.

You know, i have had a lot of people asking me if they could be the stars of the real world. NO THEY CAN'T. Right now, we are gonna focus on Matt and Laura and watch exciting things happen between them. So get something to eat and enjoy. I will be keep matt and laura probably through out the summer, and may do some fun things once in a while, and just see where it goes. Changes will be made when they are made. But remember, if they aint broke, then dont pay them. And i guess dont fic it either.

Anyways, thats about it for now i guess. I gotta think of some more to write. Here is your checklist again of things you should do right now.
_ Send me mail
_ Let me know what you thought of this list
_ Send me some story morals
_ Send nasty letters about me to poohofri@aol.com
_ Let me know what instrament(s) you play
_ Get more people to join my mailing list
_ See my picture I painted at Kenedy Plaza

Anyways, until friday, so long.

the man to call when you need a kidney,
Lance Romance

Thank you for reading this issue of tha Lance Romañce Mailing List. To subscribe, send an email to tendonitus@giantrats.com with the word "Subside" in the subject. For back issues, and just more entertainment, visit www.GiantRats.com.
comercial use or mass emails using the names and/or email addresses of subscribers to this mailing list is strictly forbidden
©1998 Lance Romañce All Rights Reserved
this mailing is anti-dave mathews
email: tendonitus@giantrats.com
website: http://www.giantrats.com