97: get your kicks on route six (seakonk!)
7.1.98 3\07Nite

Hi, everybody.. I am a tourist from the northeastern regious of your mind. Thats right, i am all in your head.


You know what today's hottest new thing is???? Well, its CHARTS AND GRAPHS (those who watch dave know waht i am talking about). But oh well, they are too trendy now. But i am starting my own new trend: I call it "THATS FUNNY" cause its those things that arent really funny but when you think about them they are wierd and stupid. Its things that when people tell you them they start by saying "its funny how...." But i am noty gonna say that cause i all ready say that. So here ya go with "THINGS THAT ARE FUNNY".

Its funny that Bell Atlantic chose james earl jones to be their spokes man. I mean, he is darth vader. And when ever i use a pay phone, I hear darth vader say "thank you for using bell atlantic." that doesnt seem right.

The Tiibeten Freedom Concert is such a big event these days. Its the big alternative concert of the summer, and its an annuel event. But its charity, too. The whole purpose is to help free the tibetten monks. What would happen if the day before this big concert, they freed the tibetten monks????? I think a lot of alernative people will be really angry when the tibetten monks get freed.

Grunge music is great. Its the cross between alternative and heavy metal and a touch of classic rock too. I love it, personally. But its funny how easy it is to write some grunge music. Basicly, the versus have to make no sense, and the chorus has to be "and ah seh oooooooooooooooh". Thats the chorus to every grungs song by every grunge band. "And ah se" of corse means "and i say" but the way they always say it, they say "and ah seh". Cant you here eddy vedder saying that??? Cant you here Sott Weiland??? Kurt Cobain never did "and ah seh ooooooooooooh" though. He did "and ah say ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh", which is basicly the same thing. But you get the point. Its so true though.

Its funny that a local rape crisus center's fund raiser was a golf tournament. I mean, i think a game where you try to get balls into a hole defeats the whole purpose, don't you?

I think all rgis argument of the glass being half empty or half full is all pretty silly. I mean, the fact of the matter is that the glass is half empty AND half full. I mean, there are 2 halfs: one half is empty and one half is full, so stop complaining and fighting about and make up cause you are both right.

Its funny that the band 3rd Eye blind think they are a punk band. They think they are the next sex pistols. They think they are the next lou reed, but lou reed isnt punk!. Niether is 3rd eye blind. I just think its funny that they think they are a punk band.

Its funny that i dunno, i give up. But see, none of these are really funny, they are just designed to make you go "thats so true". Thats the whole point, and thats the truth.

I lost my wallet in april, the very day before april vacation started. It was containing my only 2 forms of photo ID as well as my bank card. I have not been able to cash my graduation gift checks for weeks, and i couldnt get a new bank card cause i didnt have photo ID, and i couldnt get photo ID cause i couldnt get to the DMV. On monday, i bought list member Matt R. lunch at Burgerking as payment for taking me to the DMV. I got ID finely!!! After he dropped me off at home, i promptly went to the bank and got a new card, then deposated my checks, making my balence a whoping $146, which i will be using to buy a stolen video camera at a pawn shop. I havent maken a withdrawl since january, and i worked a little in the spring, so thats all added up i guess. But I got some new ID and a new bank card, so thats the most important thing.

So today i am looking through things in my room, and in the bottom of one of my record cases, behind some records, there i find my wallet. Would tya believe it??? I open my wallet and there inside is my 2 forms of photo ID and my bank card. Isnt that just how it always is??? After 7 weeks of not being able to find my wallet, i find it the very day after i replace everything in it. Oy!!!!

The real world IM thing has gotten nothing but complains, so i have removed it.

Well, apart from taking me to the dmv, matt also was kind enough to take me to my very favorite record store: Luke's Record Exchange, in pawtucket. Anyone who can drive should take me again. I got some good records. That night i went to chill with my friend non-list member Christian A. I got 2 more records. I also got my keys back which i left in Andre S.'s car a few weeks ago. It was a very good day. Here are the records i got:

> John Lennon: Legend <--fantastic, but its just a best of
> Sean Lennon: Into The Sun <-----pretty good
> Metalica: Metalica <-------fantastic, i love it, get it
> Red Hot Chili Peppers: Soul To Squease/No Body Wierd Like Me (live) <---- Excelent, but just a single. Good live b-side. I all read have this but i lost it so i bought it again (singles are cheap!), Soul T Squeaze is normally on the Coneheads sound track
> Brian Setzer: Live Nude Guitars <--- its not bad. Brian Setzer orchestra is great, so are the stray cats (the band that made him big), but when he is just Brian Setzer with out the orchestra he isnt that great. Hes too glam.
> Phantom Surfers: Play Songs From The Big Screen Spectaculars. <--- Very good. They sound a lot like most other surf bands but they have cooler interludes between the songs.

I also bought the out of print book The Lives of John Lennon. That was good. I havent spent money in a LONG time. I have just been saving it all up. I also got back a seven inh record of sean lennon's with an unreleased b-side that i left in matt's car a week earlier. If you are wondering, the single was of the song Home, and the b-side was called 5/8. Not that you really care.

You know, i few nighs ago, i had the wierdest dream in the world. For those of you who don't know what Tom's Track's is, its a record store here in providence, on thayer street, the local hang out. It is run by a short, bald, white bearded man named Tom Track. For some strange reason, when i was in my first year of 10th grade, i developped a complex of that record store, and i just can not go in. I dont know what it is, its being silly, but i absolutly cant go in. I just wait out side when people im with want to go in. So i havent been in in well over 2 years. So I had this dream maybe a week ago, and one day i just desided to visit Tom's Tracks. I went there, and i went to his old location, up the stairs next to Taco Maker, where foreign affair is now (he moved in mid 1994). As i was going up, Tom was coming down and he just smiled and said "ben!! Where ya been??" too embaressed to tell him i was afraid to go to his store, i told him that i was in boston, living at Berklee, and he said "we've missed you, ben." He has no idea that my name is lance now. But anyways, he took me in the store and he started talking and he said "well, would you like a job?" and i said "well, i dont really have time, tom" and he said "come on, i've got flexable hours and i pay well and you get an employee discount" and i'm like "that sounds nice tom but i really dont have time, i wont be around for very long" and he kept trying to convince me then I said "well i'll think about it" then he said ok and said something i cant remember and he had to go so i was there with the store employee, and so i looked through some of the records, and he had all these records that i eally really wanted, but they were like 16 bucks each and i had 20 bucks so i could only choose one. Thats all i remember.

Is your name Damnit Pud????? If you are please let me know because my friend wants to talk to you. You have her birthday!!! So if you are Damnit Pud please email me.

List member Nate D. had a great idea: A mailing list orchestra!!!!! If you are a list member who plays an instrument, be it clarimanet (clarinet) or metalimaphone (metaliphone). So email me and tell me what you play and we will get something together. You dont have to be local. If you live var away you can tape something and we will mix it in later. But if you are local, thats all the more reason to get involved. BUT ALL INSTRUMENT PLAYING LISTMEMBERS LET ME KNOW and tell me what you play, ok???? Thanks.

I have been happy with all the morals i have been getting, plenty of people have been entering. However, i do want to mention something i didnt mention before. A few people have done this all ready, and i really cant write stories based on them. I like simple morals, like "dont talk to strangers" or listmember Martha P's "When you give me a list of foods you don't like, I don't know what I can cook that you will like. Don't be so negative, tell me what I should give you for dinner." But some people sent in morals like "never say hello to a man with a hat while baking beans under a tree." The obscure ones dont work out.

And now for letters:

Listmember Leon Z. of Spike, Jones writes:

Lance (last name which changes),
Thank you for responding so nicely to the suggestions I sent in.
I was hoping to offense would be taken. I'm glad it wasn't.
Well, as far as things that I like, I'd put in some IM chats...those are always
amusing and let the readers know a little more about Lance, our enigmatic hero.
Speaking of you, Lance, I saw you in the newspaper this morning (Monday) standing with some of your comrades and Sen. Jack Reed. I don't like him much, but hey. I was excited to see Lance first thing in the morning. As for the popsicle, I don't like grape. But I like grapes. Silly, isn't it?
-Huntago Howago

(PS-Send a shot out to my dearly beloved listmember Kate N-L for me, eh?)

Dear Leon,
You and Kate have been going out for about a year now, havent you? Why do you want me to shoot her? I will not partake in this anus crim.

listember Pete M. of Chicken Pot Pie writes:


nice picture of you in the paper today (monday the 29th). i saw it this
morning and my brother just called out from the bathroom "hey, ben
garber is in the paper!" you are even more famous than you were before.
in reference to the pete marinucci fan club, i am starting it not to
copy oh ye that are the king of mass mailings, but as a way to
acknowledge my fans and give them a little piece of pete. (by the way,
a slice of pete a la mode is an excellent dessert, complementing any
meal.) i would never try to copy you, for i would fail miserably. you
rock. dopo yume really sucked, huh? sean kicked. yaay! i will have
you over for dinner some time. you still owe me a popsicle. i expect
it. are you still going to see the (3/5 of the) Spice Girls? they owe
me more than popsicles.

FBI Agent Fox Mulder

Dear Pete,
I look fat in that picture.

Please continue to send in mail and morals and get new subscribers. And while your at it, complain about me by sending email to poohofri@aol.com for helping with the "I Hate Lance" section, writen by the lovely and talented listmember, Jen H. Behold:

If you are walking down the hall, maybe you could be in the mall, it doesn't matter where you are, you will hear these familliar words: "I hate Ben" or " I hate Lance".
Now you may think to yourself " why does everyone hate ben so much?" or you may already know the answer to that " His heads too big" or " his eyes are too small" or even " he dyed my cats hair green" whatever. The world is full of in the closet Ben haters. Some people are more willing to tell Ben how much they hate him, such as my mom " Ben you suck" or my grandma' Ben go to hell" others we are still waiting to hear from ya.

You may think that we have no good reason to hate Ben. But we do. Ben is a pain in the ass and he needs to be told so. These are some of the things that Ben has done to people:
One list member writes: Last year, Ben Garber tied my legs to the chair I was sitting on. I didn't notice. He threw a banana at me and it mooshed on my face. When I got up to smack him, the chair stuck out behind me and hit my friend in
the gut. The friend threw up on me. When I tried to take the chair off,
it fell and the string twisted my wrist. Ben never came to see me in the
Another person told me that: " Ben and I were walking down the street. Ben wanted to get something to eat. So we went to get pizza. i am allergic to anchoivies. So when I went to go to the bathroom. Ben ordered five pizzas with double anchoivies. Using my money. When I came back and refused to eat the pizza, he walk off with it. When I came back that night I had 39 pieces of pizza stuck to my roof. I had every bird in the neighborhood eating it. and then where do you think they went to the bathroom?

Ben also has a problem with stealing. If it were ordinary things it would be a little more tolerable but when he starts stealing womens underwear thats when it becomes unacceptable. " las summer ben came over and he said that he wanted to see a cd that i had just bought. I went to go find it and he went into my room and started going through my drawers. When i came down he was in the middle of trying on my underwear. Then he said " these fit fine, I'll take them.

Alot of people hate ben because he takes his anger out on others. If you all remeber the your stupid letters. I never did get my popsicle.

Anyways. Thank you for all of your letters. If you can think of any more " i hate Ben stories, it would be greatly appreciated.

Jen that was mean. You arent lovely and talented, you're a dirty cock sucking bitch. I hate you!!!!! WHe you so mean??? Why the hell would you write something like that???? no one has ever been so mean to me in my entire life. I am crying now =,(

I have been meaning to tell you all this for weeks but i keep forgetting. But if you have a chance, go on down to kenedy plaza. When you get there, locate the fleet building, and across the street from the fleet building is the bust stop for busses 20, 21, and 22. If you look in the middle of the street, there are painted barriers, one which largely says "art on the go". If you look just to the left of that one that says "art on the go", you will see a picture i painted (and you will see it if you look cause it says my name). Anyways, go see it, please. Anyone who tells me what my picture says will get a free posicle (my name is on the picture so you cant sty you didnt know which one was mine if you look). Insidently, the number 20 bus was the bus i took to school every day. Though the 21 and 22 would both take me with in a block if i missed the 20.

Actualy, The Real World has been wildly popular, and thanks to Marrow T. for suggesting i put it back in (i tried it once before but it just didnt work out). I think i chose more intresting people this time. Unfortunately, they arent tiimely people. this mailing has been ready to send out for a day, dependent on their new IM arriving. It hasnt. So i will send this mailing out now, and will put The Real World back in next issue, dependent on those 2 people.

I gotta send a shot out to Kate N-L on behalf of Leon Z. I also gotta send a shot out to Leon Z. himself, you all have him to credit for inspiring me to just completely redo the list. I mean, i wasn't tottaly satisfied with it, but with out leon's complaint, i never would have done so much try to make it better. See what happens when you tell people what you really think??? Its a good practice. Honesty should always come before kindness. You should all get posters of Leon and hang thenm on your wall and tell people he is your hero cause he speaks hs mind. I also got to send a shot out to listmember Matt R. for taking me to the dmv and to my favorite record store. Also to list member Jen H. for writing the I Hate Lance section. Thank you jen, it was fantastic. And congradulations on your new job. I'm sorry i called you a dirty cock sucking bitch. If anyone wants me to send a shot out to anyone else for any reason, please let me know. Also, i will try too hook things that you do. For example, juggling list member Mike P. is in Circus Smircus, a touring circus that tours new england. List member Martha P. calls it "impressive, fun, and worth going to." This is no sirprise coming from mike's sister, but Its not like a real circus i guess, this one is animal friendly. Mike P. is not a circus freak. So go and see the animal friendly non corperate circus. They are currently about to tour Mass, VT and NH. I figure none of you will be going to NH or VT, so here are all the Mass. dates.

16 July Worcester MA Green Hill Park City of Worcester/
2 & 7 "Why Me?"
(781) 748-2600

18 July Amherst MA Hampshire College Pioneer Valley
1 & 7 Habitat for Humanity

21 July Newburyport MA Maudslay State Park Theater in the Open
11 & 7
22 July " "
11 & 7

24 July Concord MA Concord-Carlisle Middlesex School
2 & 7 Regional HS Summer Arts
25 July " " 978-371-4919

Embrionic Rockabilly Polkadotted Figheter Pilots
Embrionic Rockabilly Polkadotted Figheter Pilots
Embrionic Rockabilly Polkadotted Figheter Pilots
They're Embrionic Fighter Pilots who like Rockabilly
And are polka-dotted

I am watching conan o brian and they were just singing that song. It was heh heh heh funny.

I have once again edited the bottom. I have shortened the legal section and product discriptions, moved the store to the bottom, and added a new item to the store. So check it out.

Well, thats it for now. What did you all thin of this issue???? I really want feed back on this issue cause i have been workinjg hard to make this mailing good again, and i want to know if i did it well. Do you like it? I am gonna start post9ing storiesi wrote about the morals youve been sending me in the nextt issue cause this mailing is long enough as it is. But please keep sending your morals because i want to have a story special, so i need your morals so i can write enough stories to fill this. And your moral results in one of the top 3 stories, you could win a popsicle, a hooker or a popsicle. So thank you very much. And also continue to send Jen H. bad things about me. The Anti-Lance section is a continuing feature, so Jen needs more material to write from, so please write her nasty notes about me, ok??? Send them to poohofri@aol.com This mailing list is still under constructing, so i plan on improving it more. this is just the tip of the ice burgut i am working hard at it. send me your suggestions and comments.

SO here is your to do list:
_ Send mail to the list
_ Let me know what you thought of this list
_ Send me some story morals
_ Send nasty letters about me to poohofri@aol.com
_ Let me know what instrament(s) you play
_ Get more people to join my mailing list
_ See my picture i painted at Kenedy Plaza

Thank you and until next time, good bye.

a man who has no ears,
Lance Romance

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