89: So you like it raunchy....
good morning, everybody!!!!! This is not ben garber or lance. This is Dog Man!!!! I have come to rescue you!!!!! Please, hop in my moter cycle and we will ride to saftey, under the moon lit sky.
Well, i will start off with more information on my ever changing name. Well, I have been thinking and thinking. I dont think Lance is a forever lasting name. But I fell in love with the name Carne De Vaca well over a year ago, and its been months since i loved even more Carne De Vaca Y Mocos. So why not make that my name???? I dunno. Its just to simple i guess. I want something with more excitement. So, i want to make it Carne De Fucking Vaca Y Mocos. this would be full name, with the appendage of Sr. at the end. But how would i break it up??? Here is my 2 top preferences.
First: Carne De
Last: Vaca Y Mocos
Why: That way i get the Carne De Vaca Y Mocos normally, litterally meaning Meat Of Cow And Mucas. The fucking is just a nice sirprise for people who ask, or who want to see my ID.
Middle: De Fucking Vaca Y
Why: Well, most opeople would now no me as Carne Mocos, translating literaly to Meat Mucas. A fun name, easy to write. Though this isnt my origional name. I dont think the middle part is as amusing here as it is when its just Fucking. So I could be Meat Fucking Mucas. But i would rather be Meat Of A Fucking Cow And Mucas. Oh well, its a good thing this isnt spontanius. I still have months to think about this.
Well, i dont know about the rest of you, but i resently lost both my lawyer and one of my ll time favorite actors: attourney Linal Hutz, oof I Can't Believe Its A Lawfirm, and actor Troy McLure, you may remember him from such films as The Day The Lead Put Timmy To Bed Forever and Who put the Dull in Dullusional???. Well, for those of you who don't know, those are just 2 of the characters that Phil Hartman played on the Simpsons. He was also on News Radio, another fab show, and did some great work on SNL, as Bill Clinton, Frank Sinatra and mountains of others. And, much like Bill Clinton and Frank Sinatra, Phil Hartman was shot in the face by his wife last thursday. Sadly, as most of you have herd all ready, Phil Hartman has died. And with him, many of the fantabulos characters he played. So i got to send a shot out to her. Though I guess another shot isnt exactly what Phil Hartman needs..... But you know what i mean. He was a great guy.
1998 has turned out to be a tragic year: Phil and Frank, Chris Farley, Carl Perkins, among others were the famous people. Plus listmember Laurn S's great grand mother and 17 school shootings, and those were just the ones in the news (they dont put in the news the shootings that take place in the city). I think this school shooting thing has become a trend, like Tommy Hilfigure, so its gonna be hard to stop. All that can be done is increased gun control, and that takes years and years to take any full affect. So oh well, cant do much there.
Lets get off these silly death things thogh cause when you read this mailing list, you dont want to know about death, right? Well, i could tell you that me and listmember Derik Y. went to river rave this weekend, but i know that a lot of you dont want to here about concerts. So, hmmmmmm..... I am at a dead end. Well, lets go on to letters.
The first letter is from listmember Kate N-L. of Hot, Cha:
I seem to be having some problems in school. Stress is just consuming my life! I can't escape this downward spiral of failure! You seem to do just fine in school, How do you do it? I need Help, soon!
-Desperatly seeking good grades,
PS- how's that for some list mail with a question? -KNL
You're problem seems to be stress. If you can just let go of the stress, I think you will feel a lot better. But, what i fear is what happens to a lot of teens your age. You might be addicted. Are you addicted??? This is a question only you can answer. If you are, there is treatment for you, you can quit stress. If you do not know where to find treatment, just watch TV until you see a commercial for something that can help. Remember: live long and prosper!
PS. I owe you a popsicle.
The second letter is from Marth P. of Ginsing, Sullivan:
Dear Ben -
First of all, I want to congratulate you on a year of entertaining an average of 27.62 people.
Secondly, I want to apologize for the apparent sincerity of that abusive last letter you published from me. It was intended to be tongue-in-cheek, and I am profoundly disturbed that anybody took me seriously. Considering that nobody ever takes me seriously.
You know, there are times apropraite to be not serious and there are times not apropriate to be serious. This is an instance of niether. I wish you would sit and think before you publish a letter in my mailing list.
PS. You owe me a popsicle
Anyways i guess thats it???? Let me see if i have any stories for you... Hold on please.
Ok here we go. This was another attempt at a story witha moral from a few months ago. I own the rights, yopu dont, dont use it.
by Ben E. King
A couple of years back, back before the days of free salamander food, it was perfectly OK to just go outside and get some fresh air. But since the salamander food market has grown, it's high-polution-causing-manufacturing-process has caused the pollution rate to octruple. That means that there is eight times as much pollution as there was back in the days of hungry salamanders.
This high pollution rate has caused more people to stay inside. But it gets hot inside, and to cool down, people turn on their ai r conditioners. The air conditioners produce CFCs which help to make a bigger hole in the o-zone layer. This causes the polar sea caps to melt and New York, among other places, to flood. When New York floods, the electronics in New York get ruined. NBC is New York, and if their electronics are ruined, that means no more Suddenly Susan.
This is why I am calling for the elimination of the entire salamander race. Their survival is threatening my favorite TV show. Please help and kill a salamander today!!!
Ok, well thats it. I have actually never watched Suddenly Susen. Anyways, see ya later, aligater.
your traviling wilbury,
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