88: One Year and a Day Anniversary!!!!!!!
5.27.98 8\28Nite

Yay!!!! This mailing list as successfully stayed up for one year and one day!!!! The first issue was sent out on May 26th, 1997. Today is the 27th of 1998. So congratulations to me. I was trying to think of something special to do so i am sending out this issue twice!!!! I am also going to run a spell check (just this once). Congratulations, me!!!!!

If you would like to congratulate me, you can do so in many ways. One way is to send an email congratulating me. Two is to call the Ben Garber Happy Birthday Hot line at 401-421-4003 and congratulate either me or my answering machine (if you are a local, i will pay for the call). Three is to send me a card or letter. You can send it to

Ben Garber
98 Elton st.
Providence, RI 02906

And the fourth way is to send me gifts or money to that same address. And the fifth and final way is to do all 5 ways. Thank you for subscribing all this time! Especially to first list member Lauren S, the very first list member. Tenk you veddy veddy mush.

On another note, I am pleased to announce more on my name change. As many of you know, I have been planning to change my name to Carne De Vaca for well over a year. Well, i am waiting till the fall to do it legally. But i have been working out an outline for my full name. The prefix, such as doctor, sir, mister, misses, or what ever has been un decided. My first name shall be "Lance". My middle name? In full it will be "Carne De Vaca Y Mocos". Because i don't want to loose my identity, I will keep the name Ben Garber as my maiden name, making my full last name "Ben Garber-Fucksshitup!" Then there is my suffix: Sr. (Senior). This would make the full name that will appear on my ID "Lance Carne De Vaca Y Mocos Ben Garber-Fucksshitup!". But, what will it read on things like, say, the door to my office, if i get one. My abbreviated name will be "L. Carne De Vaca Y Mocos Fucksshitup! Sr." Though the last name is still in question, this should be my name for the most part. DO NOT GIVE ME SUGGESTIONS!!!! Someone suggested my last name be Ho Ho Ho, or my phone number or something, but because i didn't think of it i will not do it. IF YOU HAVE A SUGGESTION I WONT USE IT!!!!! Thanks, and amen.

and good news on a non-me side. My dream has come true: exchilli pepper guitarist John Fruciante has rejoined the red hot chili peppers!!!!! Ya-hoo!!! The chili peppers will be good again!!!.

The first letter tonight is from Pete M. of Nadia, Lapinski:


Ben please print this in the list. it is important. ahem... i have no
clue what martha's problem is. so what if you insult members? its
funny. if you don't think so, torque off!! punctuation schmunctuation!
spelling schmelling! hey corn flake, quit flaming Ben and the list. if
you don't like it, "describe" from it. it has its ups and downs, but who
gives a shit?! its a mailing list about Ben, for Chris sake!! whatever
Ben wants to put in is his business. this last issue, with the talking
dog collar, was hilarious! one of the best ever!! but it was ruined
by map's flame mail. this is the best list in the world (I'm not sucking
up). if you don't like it leave!! (sorry to flame you, Martha).

the ever faithful,


Dear Pete,
I owe you a popsicle.

Dear Martha,
Please don't describe.

The second letter is from list member Nate D. of Viagra, Florida:

dear benpin\\\

Have you ever tried eating a twix bar upside down? it's a taste sensation! You know how your front teeth sink down into the caramel and then you bite of the bottom layer of cookie. If you turn the twixt bar upside down, your bottom teeth sink up thru the caramel and you bite of the top layer of cookie. I try to change the angle at which i eat my twixt bars each time i get one.
what a difference a day makes


p.s.- I'm running out of things that rhyme with saxophone or microphone or cellularphone. please send me more if you can think of any.

Dear Nate,
I haven't eaten twixt since they stopped making that delicious cookies and cream flavor.

Ps. Natdontheparliphone

I bet none of you knew that I had ipendisitus when I was 8 years old. I had to go to the hospital to get it removed. I was scheduled to have it removed on Wednesday but it hurt so much on Tuesday that i demanded they took it out now (now being that Tuesday that it hurt, not now when i am writing the list). Good thing i demanded that cause if i waited another day, they said my appendix would have exploded. See?? That's why its good to stand up for what you want. At the hospital, my roommate had some sort of bowl problem, and his family came every 20 minutes with a new toy for him, usually a GI Joe or some base ball cards or something. I didn't like either, but i was jealous cause he got so much stuff. It took me an entire day to convince my parents to get me a Transformer™. I still have that Transformer™ too! My nana (my dads mom) came and took care of me when i got home while my parents were at work. I had a grow-a-frog in my room. Remember those? You would send away for a tadpole and they would send it to you and it would grow into a frog. Well, the food that you are supposed to feed the frog with came with a spoon so you knew how much to feed it, it was a small green plastic spoon. Well, nana through that out. Because of that, i didn't know how much to the feed the frog, so i didn't. I never expected the frog to die because of that. Oh well, that's life. Frog life.

Next week is my last week of school, then the next week is exams. So i really have less than a week and a half left. Yay!!!! Ok, well, see ya later. I want to send a shot out to list member Val H. cause her tonsils are on fire. Anyway, so long. See ya next week. Bye bye and thank you for supporting the Lance Fucksshitup! mailing list for so long.

your husband,
Lance Fucksshitup!

Thank you for reading this issue of tha Lance Romañce Mailing List. To subscribe, send an email to tendonitus@giantrats.com with the word "Subside" in the subject. For back issues, and just more entertainment, visit www.GiantRats.com.
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