86: woops
5.21.98 10\58Nite

i didnt ,mean to send that yey but oh well.

READ THIS PARAGRAPH (its important):
If you picked up last week's Providence Pheonix, the cover features winners of the 1998 music poll. Three artists had their pictures on the cover. Purple Ivy Shadows took best album (this is local music) Dave Howard took best song and best male vocalist, but notibly are the winners of Best World Music: The Mair-Davis Duo. Why is this notable? The only two people in the Mair-Davis duo are the parents of listmember Nate D. So every one say howdy, and i send a shot out to the whole family. The mair-davis duo are also both in the band Clean and Friendly with Nate D, and others. The clean and friendly albums is for sale in my store nere the bottom of the list.

As i was saying, i dont want to be the millionth paper to be remembering frank sinatra. But man, that guy lived the life. If any one ever asks you whos life youd like to live say sinatra cause that guy lived it. But what about the rest of us? I know you are all wishing you were frank sinatra, cause then you could be having fun write now, and you wouldnt have to read this mailing list. So i am running a special feature in this months issue ca;;ed "How Can I be More Like Frank Sinatra." Now, the obvious answer would be dying, then you would be very much like frank sinatra, but i am not looking for an easy answer. I am going to give you some tips on how to make life more intrestin. Things you can do anytime you want , all though sinatra never did any of these things. These are the kinds of things that make you stop and say "Man, this is living. This is America!"

- At 3 AM on a Tuesday morning, order a pizza. The delivery guy will be really tired so act as awake as possable.

- When any salesman, religious group, political campaign or non profit organization rings your door bell, answer the door completely naked, then seem intrested in what there saying. Have a serious conversation with them, invite them in even. The trick here is to act like your clothes are on (but they arent). This is particularly fun with the religious groups. UPS can also be fun cause they have you sign something, so they have to stand and watch you. This is also fun if you are ugly. The uglier you are, the funnier it is when you answer the door naked.

- When somebody asks you to sign some thing, wether it is a petitione on the street or the UPS guy with a packege, or even endorsing a check, don't sign you're name. Insted, draw dirty pictures.

- Peteintion the problem of dogs on tv. They are disgusting and offensive!!!!

- Order a pizza to another pizza place

- sign 17 magazine up for a subscription to YM, check ,off the bill mr later box.

- Go to a resteraunt like the Newport Creamery, or some sit down kind of burger place, not fast food, and get a big big order, then leave.

- Order a milk shake, then just dump it on the table. Never drink it. Those Oreo flavored ones work the best.

- Complain about a store's air quality.

- Go to a starbucks and sit behind that starbucks logo. It should be a big round circular light up thing hanging on the window. There is a light swiych on it. Pull it.

- Go to a store clerk and try to sell him or her or hesh on communism.

- Get some of those fun little stickers that say "fuck work" and just hand them out and stick them everywhere. This is especialy fun is buisniss districts. Or, better yet, buisness expos.

- Its always fun to play with competiters. Put pepsi branded stickers over the buttons on a coke machine; go to a radiostation promotion and hand out another stations bumper stickers.

any ways i will think of some good ones another time. In the mean time, have fun with those.


Listmember Marth P. writes the first letter from Grand, Child:

Hey Ben -

Your list is, to say the least, disappointing. You have no sense of correct spelling or punctuation. You insult list members constantly. You write about subjects none of us could possibly care anything about. And to tell the truth, I'm losing my patience. You'd better do something about it or I'll report you to... um, well, I don't know who I'd report you to, but somebody bad.

love, cornflake

Dear Martha,
You wouldn't be saying that if i were dead. Take it back. NOW!!!!!!!
Love,
Ben

The second letter is from listmeber Marrissa L. of the Yingle Rope:

well ben~
look at it the bright way...at least you didn't die! ha ha.

~marissa

Dear Marrissa,
You wouldn't be saying that if you were Martha P*!
Love,
Ben

* List member Martha P. wrote the first letter.

I bet none of you knew that my favorite pizza topping bacon.

Anyways, with nothing more to say, i will fill up the rest of the letter with a story then some crap at the bottom. Remember, i own thge rights to this story so its mine. You have no right to use my story.

Once upon a time, there was a dog with a talking collar. The talking collar was not real. But rather, it was fake. It didn't really talk. It just had a little speaker attached to it and it would play a random pre-recorded message when ever you pulled the dog's tung. It might play a voice that says something like "Wash your dishes before you use them to get rid of germs and maggots." Or maybe, "There is no place like florida." Some times it says "No one likes potatoes ecxcept spud lovers." Another one is "Hello, I am a dog." My personal favorie is the one that says "Blasted shoe horn!!! You never work when I need you!" Another is crying while it says "Boo-hoo. I've lost my shoe." "Happy Holloween, Timmy and Tonya. I hope you are safe." One goes "Eleven thirty is the time when I turn in to a monster." Others include the following:
"Dogs are better than cats."
"I hate cats."
"I ate a cat for breakfast."
"One hundred and thirty cats can make me sick."
"I once ate 12 donuts for 12 people."
"Pet my head, and rub my jelly. But not to hard or I'll become jelly."
"Elvis ain't dead, niether is John. But they have fun in Vietnam."
"I can't get no satisfaction."
"That's radical, dude."
"Hello, Ryan."
"Archie is mad at Jughead, but has become better friends with Reggie."
"Nobody likes chocolate muffins. Not even Santa Clause."
"If you can't fly, try anyways."
"I have no tung anymore."
"Novicaine doesn't hurt a bit."
"I've got writer's block."
"Nobody likes childr en."
"Nobody likes cocker spaniels."
"Carrie is crying cause his head exploaded."
"I had a dream about an elephant last night."
"Nobody likes vampire stories."
"Nobody likes underpants."
"If you were smarter, you'd think a lot better."
"No ice is too cold for a walrus."
"If you think enough, you will feel like a lobster eating fish."
"Justin got run over by a John Dear."
"Everybody likes zip-lock bags."
"Irritated seagulls like to go swimming to clear their thoughts."
"Hevenly cats are still horrable."
"I play the hermonica better than Santa Clause."
"You can't say that to a television."
"Goats like people with beards."
"Time to save the pavement."




Anyways, until next time, i'll see ya later. Don't forget to find those new list members and and write them stinky letters. See ya.

Love,
the owner of sears,
ben garber


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