83: The Annuel Seatbelt Awards
5.14.98 7\10Nite

Good morning, kids. How thehell are ya??? We have two new members this week.

The first of these new members to join was new member Catherine C. She was a PI at that Close-Up program i did a few weeks ago, when i went to washington DC. A PI is a kind of RA/Counceler/Tour Guide or something. Born in a castle in Transelvania, she now resides as the only vampire in the town of Saskatchawan.

(Lani, these peole are catching up to you!)

The 2nd new member is some one else i met on this close up bit: Mandy J. Is the J right? Mandy is a nationaly honered fencer. She has fenced and fenced and fenced, and is now know around the world as "Miss Fence World" because she is so good. Congradulations, Mandy!!!!

Everyone, i want five new members with in the next week. Help me out. I have good reason for this, and you will find out with this. Anyways, this is good.

Well, now as you know, tonite is the last episode of Cheers! I will miss cheers, especialy Cliff. Cliff was a god. And woody harlson really does a good job at playing Woody. Isnt that cool?? His name is woody and he plays woody?? Its kind of like Tony Danza and he played Tony on who's the boss. Or a guy named Troy played a cube named Troy on Out Of This World. But he was really the father. Aperently, its the same thing with this newer show that is going to be replacing cheers. Its called signfeld, and the guy Jerry Signfeld plays Jerry on the show. Anyways, Signfeld will be replacing Cheers.

this week's first letter is from Dick Dale (it really is!!!). Dick Dale was the guitarist who wrote the opening song to Pulp Fiction, Miserlou, a surf classic. It was also the song you heard on every pulp fiction preview and every thing, and he is one of the best guitarists ever, and is also responsable for loud amplifires. Anyways, here is his letter:

thank you for your kind words, i enjoy myself as each concert is different
and i know not what i am about to do, but it is a result of the audiance
and them opening their hearts and i open mine and thats how it works, keep
a check on my web site for concert information ect. www.dickdale.com
thanks, dd

Dear Dick,
Wow, that was deep. How touching. I dunno. Dick, you sound like a dork!!! But come buy and I'll see you in concert in a second.

the second letter is from Nate D. of Taiwan, England:

dear benjamin boy,

no tardies at pcd! im impressed! you deserve a swift kick in the hed.

your ever faithful rooster,

p.s. Hooray Reaganomics!!!!!!!

Dear Nate,

Dick Dale is not a list member. But as you can see i am not in a list writing mood so send me you're letters and i will finish this up and show you a story.

I bet none of you knew that I am whereing my hat write now. Here is a story that i wrote earlier this year, a contractual agreement story, where i had to write as many stories with morals as i possably could: children storries. This is one of them. remember i own it so its not you're and all rights are reserved.

BEN GARBER's epic thriller
Dive or Be Diven
NO ONE HAs really ever thought much about diving from the top of the bridge into the bottom of the grand rapid river of Canada, but Jaime Perez had his mind set on being the first. He wasn’t a very experienced diver. In fact, he didn’t even know how to swim. What inspired him to do such a thing??????? Well, there is a bit of a story behind that. Let me tell you how it all happened.
Back in the astrologically biased summer of 1996, Jaime had been fortunate enough to win tickets from the cap of a bottle of his favorite drink: Carb-A-Cola, to the Summer Olympic divin g competitions. He got free transportation and free food and free lodging. He even got to have [a free] dinner [at Planet Hollywood] with 1988 Olympian Greg Luganis. This was quite of prize. And on top of all that, he got $10000000000000000000000 in spending cash. This was a dream come trüé.
Jaime went down to the town of Atlanta, where these particular Summer Games would be taking place, and headed right to the pool. He got his seat and watched in amazement as he saw the Olympians take their dives. "WOW," he said.
After the Olympics, all he could talk about was the Olympics and how "awesome" it was to see the Olympians diving competitions. He decided he wanted to become a diver too. NAnd not just any diver, he wanted to become a record breaking diver. He decided he would dive from the top of the bridge into the bottom of the grand rapid river of Canada. He practiced at the gym and he got the world famous Olympic coach, Bella Carrolie to help him train and he advertised and he got the news to come up and all his friends too. It was now the night before and he went out with his friends to a party. He must have drunken 100 bottles of Carb-A-Cola and he was so over caffinated that his head almost exploded. He couldn't sleep all night so he stayed up just doing jumping jacks.

Finally, the next day came and it was time to jump. Everything was worked out so that there wouldn't be any problems. All he had to do was dive straight down, and he would land in a part with out many rocks and be able to swim to the sho re very easily, so he would be fine. But just seconds before he was going to jump, the caffeine wore off. Oh-oh!!! He almost fell asleep, but luckily, some one handed him another Carb-A-Cola and that woke him up. However, because he had all ready had more than his share of caffeine, this was just a little too over the top. He started shaking and going into convulsions. But jumped off the bridge anyway. Luckily he was fine. Every one was happy when he landed in the water safe and sound and came back up. But his shaking attracted a shark. Oh-oh!!!!! Fortunately, some one threw him a rope and he grabbed on. Unfortunately, the shark bit the rope. Fortunately, some one threw another rope and he grabbed on. Unfortunately, the shark bit the rope. Fortunately, some one thr Eew another rope and he grabbed on. Unfortunately, the shark bit the rope. Fortunately, some one threw another rope and he grabbed on. Unfortunately, the shark bit off his shorts. Fortunately, he managed to get up on shore with out getting hurt. Unfortunately, he fell back in. Fortunately, he got back up again. Unfortunately, he fell back in. Fortunately, he got back up again. Unfortunately, he fell back in. Fortunately, he got back up again. Unfortunately, the shark jumped up and bit off his leg.
You see, because Jaime had drunk so much, he shook and attracted a shark. If he hadn't had so much caffeine in his system, he would have been perfectly fine. The lesson here, kids, is don't drink caffeine before you go to bed because you won't be able to sleep and that just leads to trouble, or, don't drink and dive.

Anyways, good bye until next time.

you're efervescent cactus man,
Ben Garber

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