81: Top Ten Signs you Have A Bad Knee
5;9;98 1\53Nite

Hey, joe. Here are the top ten signs you have a bad knee. I this is something i've made for the next issue of my school news paper. So here goes:

10. You have a bad knee
9. When ever you try to walk you say "ow"
8. You can't walk
7. Whenever you try to stand up, you fall down.
6. You're knee swares a lotand abuses children
5. You are in an ice skating competition with Tonya Harding
4. You can only walk backwords
3. You're doctor tells you that you have a bad knee
2. You are in a wheel chiar
1. One word: ASS!

anyways, how are you. I would like to start out by pointing out that last week's new listmember, Adrien, is a girl. I would also like to recognise Abba member Marrow r. pulled a dog out of hs fly durring our concert last week. You happy now, Marrow?

Tonite I am supposed to go to a bjork concert. Trouble is arousing though. I asked a nameless list member to come with me, and she accepted,tyhat is good. But she has made herself impossable to contact, for the most part, as well has she has never returned any messages or anything. So this is how she has forfeit her tickets and why i am scrambling to find someone else to take that extra ticket. She is playing at the Polladium, at 261 Main St. in Worcester, MA. Listmember Matt R. may or might not be able to go, which would be nice. The bus leaves at 3.55 which means that if he doesnt know by then if he can go, he forfeits his ticket as well. Anyone who would like the extra ticket and can let me know by 3 o clock today, please give me a call at 401 421 4003. Bjork is pretty much obscure alternative/dance/electronica with a lot of just plain old obscure things. Let me know please. If you can drive and have a car, thats a definate plus too, but not essential.

So whats up? Well, This past week started off on Tuesday, when I spent the day and Ben and Jerries, loading up on free ice cream, as it was Free Ice Cream Day. I had 7 ice creams but only finished 5, because one timei got a flavor i didnt like so i threw it on the ground, and the other one i threw at a DJ from 99.7X. And thats what the day turned out to be. 95.5 WBRU showed up in the morning. They were handing out bumper stickers and coca-cola cards. I asked if I could have a 94 HJY sticker insted (these are two different stations). They didn't like that. I had my radio with me, so the DJ pointed out that my radio was on the wrong station, even though it was current ly playing a tape, but the dial was clearly not on 95, so he desided to not like me. I asked him for a coca cola card and he refused to give one to me cause i didn't lissen to their station. The same DJ, a tall brittish or australian man who is on in the mornings sometimes i think, called me a cocky bastard. Not knowing how to respond, i took the pen out of his brest pocket and threw it into the crowd and he said "oooo". Oh well. I was getting bored so i decided i would run home and get my ghost bust squirt gun. But when I got back to Ben And Jerries, WBRU had left. DAMN!!! Not much later, 99.7X showed up. See, one big difference between wbru and 99.7X is that when you make fun of the WBRU to WBRU's face, its funny, cause they dont take things too seriously. 99.7X however is too serious, and were very displeased when I asked them for a 94 HJY sticker. Marrow put a wbru stick on their car though, and I squirted one of the DJs with my ghost busters gun. About an hour later, the dj cme up from behind me and pored water on my head, so i yelled at him and his manager and told him that he just lost a customer and protested 99.7X to everybody i saw.

I like WBRU, i was just making fun of them cause they were there and that was fun. 99.7X, what a stupid station. They play some good music sometimes, but the station itself is so bad, i hate them. But the WBRU free concert series will be beginning soon, and i will post the schedual for you if you want to go.

Letters:

The first letter is from list member Leon Z. of Pascow, Poppycorn:

Dear Ben,
I saw you walking down the street the other day...(Saturday afternoon)
and you had on the wierdest pants! Are they cotton? They seem to be
something almost alien in origin.
much aptitude,
-Hunter

Dear Leon,
They are alien of oregon. I wish i knew what they were. No further comments.
Love,
Ben

dearest ben,
how are you? I do believe that Carne da Vaca is a rather interesting
name, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. My question is, what is
the meaning of life, and why is it such a bitch? I have been unhappy,
but don't know why.. I guess that it is just a normal part of development
and I should be happy since my birthday is coming up, but then again I
should, "go to hell." (hee hee) Please reply soon.
signed,
Julie (temporarily insecure person)

Dear Julie,
I see your problem as a problem, and I have come up with a solution. My first thought was too look in the yellow pages under Security, but i can't find the yellow pages. So i have done the next best thing. I have opend up my very own security company, i call it Ben Garber's Secure Security. I offer the securest security available. I will be an alarm, a smoke detector, a safe, a blanket, a fireextinguisher, a door lock, a bouncer, a security guard, a servailance camera, a phone tape, or anything else that you need me to be. Just call 401 421 4003 and talk to me about your security needs and to get a free estimate.
Love,
Ben

Anyhow i am not amusing my self. Something you don't know about me is that i have to take a crap right now, so i will finish up this list.

Yay!!! matt is coming to bjork!!! So i guess that you are not. Unless you are listmember Matt.

Anyways, so long. I have redone the bottom of the mailing list again and intruduced the store, as well as a new item to the store from listmember Sylvia :

alright, if you want hand-made items. i make duct-tape wallets and/or
purse-type things. i also have figured out how to make ones out of paper
of different sorts with pakage-sealing tape, so i can make colorful and/or
collage-type ones, too.

Anyways, I'm off to the toilet, so see ya later.

Love,
the Oh! so quiet,
Ben Garber


Thank you for reading this issue of tha Lance Romañce Mailing List. To subscribe, send an email to tendonitus@giantrats.com with the word "Subside" in the subject. For back issues, and just more entertainment, visit www.GiantRats.com.
---------------------------------------------
comercial use or mass emails using the names and/or email addresses of subscribers to this mailing list is strictly forbidden
---------------------------------------------
©1998 Lance Romañce All Rights Reserved
this mailing is anti-dave mathews
email: tendonitus@giantrats.com
website: http://www.giantrats.com