77: When Two Birds Make Three
4.17.98 3\12Morn

Hello everybody. The benjamin trolley is pulling into the station.

Anyways, i guess I will start off thsi issue by saying hello to a new listmember who was new last issue but slipped my mind: Sam R. Sam R. was introduced by listmember Rachel S. Though i do not know Sam R. that well, i will amke up a story to tell about her. She was born durring the cold war, on a dark stormy afternoon. Named same after the great Sam Becket of Quantum Leap, she grew up under the supervision of a nazi. This nazi up brining was tough for her, seeing as how she is a comunist, but, hey, it happens. So welcome, sam, your presence has been denoted.

I would also like to tell you all that i got my grades this morning. I got a C in spannish, a D in History, an A in writing and an A in journalism. My economics teacher, who is also my adviser, gave me the option of failing or just pretending that I never took it. I desided to not have taken it. But i feel like a nerd with 2 As. But oh well, it happens. I guess it cant hurt though. Maybe i'll get more. Oh well.

Last night, I saw Radiohead with listmember Matt R. Here is a letter I wrote to list member Lani R. about it: I just saw radiohead last night, they actualy werent that good. They played for a very short time and really played what was on the albums. They didnt really take anything out. Except for Fake Plastic Trees, that was REALLY good, and kharma police was good. I mean, the concert didnt sound bad, but they do sound better on the album, and they didn't do much from pablo honey. I kind of like bands better when they sound better live than on the albums, i guess phish has spoiled me though.

It was a shame. They really were a [let down]. Oh well.

You know, when you write a list like this, I often feel a lot of pressure to be amusing. I don't always acomplish that, in fact i feel i usualy don't, but thats what I usualy find my self trying to be. I mean, why would you want this list if it wasnt amusing? If i just wrote really depressing things, I would never achieve the 63 subscribers that I hold today. Sometimes I just feel very unamusing, but write the list anyways, at an attempt to be amusing when I really not, or i think i'm being amusing when I'm really not, as was the case with the last issue. In was in a mood all day where I thought I was amusing, but when I read that mailing list again two days later i was embaressed. That wasn't amusing. And the part of the mailing I feel most pressured with is by far the letters section. I try to think of something amusing to write for each one, which can be very chalenging sometimes. And sometimes, i just write really stupid things, which sometimes is just not appropriate or amusing and ends up bothering more people than it amuses, you know what I'm saying? If you write a letter into the list, be prepared, because sometimes I am rather offensive with my responses, in patiocular to the letter writer. And sometimes it is amusing, but sometimes its not. Again, last week's letters section was a good example.

List member Syvia S. wrote in to tell everyone about her upcomming school play, and when I wrote it, i found it amusing to ask her if it would be as bad as the last school play i saw at her school, moses brown, this past fall. I read over my list 2 days later and said "what were you thinking? That was just dumb!" I'd like to apolagise for that, to not just sylvia, though her in paticular, but every one else who is in that play, which in cludes several list members, and also to any one else who I have slandared and offened in this list.

And in conclusiion to that, I have two things to say. Firstly, i would like to say that beware when you write me letters. I do realise that its in apropriate this past time, but sometimes it is actualy amusing, but i will try my best not to be as insulting in the future. But in the event that I do slip, that I dont think about it, i apolagise aheahd of time. But I will do my best not to do that, and to control my self.

And secondly, about Sylvia's school play: Now, I am not going to lie to you, i didnt like the last play i saw at Moses Brown. But despite that, I still had fun. I mean, why does anybody go to school plays in the first place???? Its surely not the quality, as moses brown is surely not the only school to put on bad plays (keep in mind that I was at PCD last year, HOME of the bad plays, and jocks who cant play sports). For the most part, people really only go to school plays to see friends and family. And why not?? They're you're friends and family, dag nabbit. Thats why I went to see the last moses brown play, cause I had friends there, i went to see my friends. And I had fun with them durring intermission and after words (we got there late so before didnt count i think). So, in the end i would like to encourege you all to go see Sylvia's play. Not because its gonna be good or bad or what ever, i dont even remember what the play is. See it because Sylvia is in it, as she is one of the nicest people you will ever meet. And go and see it cause you have a fellow list member in it. In fact you have several fellow listmembers in it, including Matt R, Carl S, and Marrow. I will remind you when it is when it is closer.

Anyways, here is another attempt at letters.

The first is from list member Dana P. of Trauma-rama, IN

dear ben garber,

i havent written you email in some time so i thought it might be appropriate to do so...i hope you have a good time at radio show- they were here in chicago on saturday and it was suposed to be a mondo deeluxe show...why the hell would you want to change your name to cow meat??? actually, it might be interesting....and i would like to add that you totally suck because it seems that you are NEVER going to school....well have a good spring break, i know im enjoying mine

dana

Dear Dana,
Last night, I saw Radiohead with listmember Matt R. Here is a letter I wrote to list member Lani R. about it: I just saw radiohead last night, they actualy werent that good. They played for a very short time and really played what was on the albums. They didnt really take anything out. Except for Fake Plastic Trees, that was REALLY good, and kharma police was good. I mean, the concert didnt sound bad, but they do sound better on the album, and they didn't do much from pablo honey. I kind of like bands better when they sound better live than on the albums, i guess phish has spoiled me though.

It was a shame. They really were a [let down]. Oh well.
Love,
Ben

the second letter is from Lauren S. of Greensdale, Redland

Dear Ben,
you better fix that birthday situation and fess up to your lack of memory concernuing my birthday... april 29, hon
Love,
Lauren

Dear Everybody,
I said last week that listmember Lauren S. turned 16 this past wednesday, on April 15th. It was my mistake, and I apolagise. I guess I mixed up Lauren S's birthday with the day that you're taxes are due. I hope you did you're taxes!!!!!
Love,
The IRS

Please send me more letters (at you're own risk) and get new members as well.

Anyways, another fact you probably didnt know about me is thatwhen I was 8 years old, just a week or two after turning 8, i was coming home with my mom and we parked in the garage. I was closing the door and OW! i slamed my thumb in the door. It instantly turnned purple so I instantly turned, crying. Next thing i knew i was at the hospitol and a nurse said to me "Do you know why you have two thumbs?" "why?" i asked. "So we can compare them." She noticed that one was purple, and there was there for a problem. She wrapped it in gause da da da. I got home and missed th sesame street special I wanted to watch. I am not telling this storry in all detail. But the thumbnail fell off soon and I was left with no thumbnail on my left hand (that was the hand). I put my thubnail under my pillow that night in the hopes that the thumb fairy would come (i figured if it worked for teeth, why not a thumb nail?). And it worked!!! THe next morning I found a dollar under my pillow. Lucky me!!!!

Anyways, thats it for tonite. Until nextime, so long.

Love,
you're divrce attourney,
Ben Garber


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