74: Mike Tang Colan
4.4.98 12\07Nite

Hey everybody. My my my, its all ready april 4th. The hippies are starting to fill up providence (more than usual) as Phish is in town!!!!!! I, myself, am going tonite, with Lars, KC, KC's friend, listmember Pete M. and i have one extra.

I called up a bunch of people earlier in the week to go see Grease last night. Most people ended up not being able to go, and it ended up being Kirston, Julie, Katie and listmember Sylvia S but the majority had all ready seen grease too many damn times so we drove around and ended up in a fair in Olnyville, after Julie spoted a feris wheel. That was fun for the hour or so we were there, but then we went to Julie's house, out in cumberland. Now, how many of you have ever read calvin & hobbes??? Julie's house lives in the same house calvin & hobbes does, including the foresty back yard, with a pond and everything. Only her house is 30 times bigger. Man, it was insane. Julie's house was also part of the underground railroad, and she showed us where people hid and stuff like that. Then we went for a walk in the back yard. Then back home and thats that.

Listmember Mike M. is a young boy who is a year older than me who has been an influence on me over the years. But he was kind of botherd last week when he saw a section called "Ben-Tang Clan" because he knew that he had come up with "Mike Tang Clan" long before hand. Now, as I can assure you that I didn't come up with Ben Tang Clan cause he did, as I havent even seen mike in months. But it is undoutable that he came up with it first and I would like to send out a shot to him for his origional idea (but that never crossed my mind when I wrote it. Not till he wrote me did i realise it.) However, there are 2 jokes of his which I do use regularly sometimes which I would like to give him credit for. "Baby, you so fine you could be in a porno movie," and "Yo mamas so fat that when she see a sign that say 'do not enter,' its too late, cause she all ready enter." Those were Mike M.s origional creations. He also came up with the funny noise that i use as a child name sometimes, but I have always given him credit for that when ever i tell that. And as far as that, everything else i tell is, as far as i know, my origional idea unles i tell you otherwise. And if you found something i said is something else someone used, just let me know so i know and so i can give props where due.

And moving on is a little feature I like to call "Ben's Coined Phrases." These are my little slogans that will help you get through life, and its best to think of them in times of trouble. SO here goes "Ben's Coined Phrases."

"Fuck"
"Hey, it happens."
"Its always better to be a kidder than an adulturer."
"If you hungry pick your nose, if your thirsty lick your toes."
"We need more chicken parmashan for the waffles."
"General Grandpa, we need more chicken parmashan for the waffles."
"I would if i could but I cant so i shant."
"Hey there, this is Ben. Give me a call when you get en (in)."
"What the hell, dude?"
"Cowabunga!"
"I've fallen and I can't get up."
"I've got a hole in me pocket."
"Man, shut the hell up."
"crap."
"I'd buy that for a dollar."
"I'm Chevy Chase and You're not"
"Give it away, give it away, give it away now."
"THere is nothing to fear but fear its self."
"One Two Three O Clock Four OClock Rock"
"Don't step on my blue suade shoes."
"Underwater the fish don't stink."
"Don't have a cow, man!"

the first letter here is from list meber Loren E. of Providence, Rhide Osland.

BEN-
Which did you like better, Wayne's World 1 or 2? Or could they have been combined into one film?
~Loren

Dear Loren,
I wish I could answer you but I have not seen either. However, I can tell you that Schindler's List 2 was much better than the origional Schndler's List, as well as the third one. But both are beaten out by that ever-lovin classic, Schindler's Pissed (Thats the one I am making this summer soon as I get a video camera.) Hey, does anyone know where i can get a cheap VHS video camera used?????
Love,
Ben

The second letter is from Casandra K. of Crack, Cocain:

ben
you are the greatest
you should market yourself
have a ben garber line!
love
cassandra

Cassandra

Dear Cassandra,
This is a great idea!!!!!! THanks!!! EVERYBODY!!!! I HAVE SET UP A NEW HOTLINE!!!! If you want to here ben's answering machine message, leave a message or possably even TALK TO BEN, please feel free to call THE BEN GARBER HAPPY BIRTHDAY HOTLINE at 401-421-4003. As a special treat to the locals, I will not charge you a penny if you are calling from with in my calling area. Otherwise, you'll have to give MCI some money. And if you need anyhelp, there is also 401-911. I hope this answers your question, Cassandra.
Love,
Ben

Want to know something else you don't know about me?????? When I was 8 years old or so, I was staying withing grand parents beach trailer in Westerly, when I found 2 5 dollar bills wash up on shore. Some people found over 100 but as some one who was so young, and considering 10 bucks was worth a hella more ten years ago, you can imagine an 8 year old wouldnt have a lot to spend 10 bucks on. Anyways, i'm off.

So wether your in your car at the table, this is Ben Garber signing off.

So long, until next time.

Love,
some one who now knows that you do NEED under where when you where button flies or itll hurt you're winky,
Ben Garber


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