68: From The Desk Of Dirk Diggler
3.8.98 8\11Nite

Hello. I am eating brown sugar. Welcome, to 2 new members: Mike B. of Classical and Tom C. of Wheeler. Theres not a lot else to say here.

on friday, I was walking along and noticed that Boogie Nights was playing at the avon. I hadn't seen it yet, but I've herd its very funny. So i desided to not go home yet and just wonder around until i found some one to see it with. About 10 minutes later, me and DeAnna were walking around running into every body I knew trying to meet up with Erin and we did the Muré met us then we talked to Crazy henery then Corey took us to Sam's and we watched Jack Off And The Bean Stock (as well as other twisted cartoons) and then sam drove us to thayer and then we saw boogie nights, which wasn't as very funny as i herd, or i think I herd, but was still very very good. And that was my friday. I dunno whats up tonite.

blank space.

I was looking through some old issues of rolling stone today, and I found in a 1993 or 4 issue an article on Wal-Mart's decision to ban nirvana because their new album had a song on it called "Rape Me," as well as Snoop Doggy Dogg for obvious reasons as well as other music that they saw as contriversal. the funny thing about this though, is the fact that ddespite the fact that they consider this paticular music "unsafe," they seem to believe that weapons are safe, as they do sell guns. Guns are safer than nirvana? This is all before Kurty boy shot him self, mind you. So i sat there thinking. What did I think? I thought of a little question that goes a little something like this: "Ben, what would you do if you were the CEO of Wal-Mart?" Well, I now present you with my answer in a little piece i like to call


If I ran Wal-Mart, i would replace the gun depatment with a pornographic department. Why? For several reasons. Firstly, it is my personal belief that porn is safer than guns. I would much rather my kids watching "Jaws Of Delight*" than "Barrels of Delight." Secondly, i believe that porn is actualy good for kids, as I would rather my kids getting off to some dirty movie than out getting on some dirty kid. And I think the dirty kid is going to be showing up more when you take away the dirty video. Though it is arguable that a gun could also keep my kids away from the dirty kid, I think the pornographic method is just more hue-main. Thirdly, Wal-Mart just wouldn't be Wal-Mart with out some sort of contriversial view-point. Besides, who would buy a gun at wal-mart if they won't let you buy the music to go with it? The thing about porography is that its music by itself.

If I ran Wal-Mart, I would change the name to Wal-Fart. Why? Because I want people to know that its not the same store anymore. And its cheaper to just change to change one letter on every story than replace the entire name. Why Wal-Fart? Sure, I could change it to Wat-Mart or Wal-Mort or something else, but in the end, Wal-Fart is just more fun. Our slogan would be "we suck ass" or something like that.....

If I ran Wal-Mart, I would get rid of all the music tha Wal-Mart currently sells, and only sell music that they don't sell now. Why? Well, why not? I think it would give the people who only buy things that Wal-Mart aproves of quite a sirprise when they finealy pick up doggy style.

If I ran Wal-Mart, I would think of something else. But I don't, so thats it until I do. Good night.

*What's s"Jaws of Delight"? Here's a fun fact: That was one of the movies me and 2 old chums of mine watched one april night in 8th grade. The next morning, we went down to have some breakfast and my mom said "Do you know who kurt cobain is?" and Oleg said "Yeah, he's the guy from nirvana" and me and the other kid were agreeing and my mom said "he killed himself" and Oleg goes "he did?" and all of us were quiet and we passed the newspaper around, reading the article. So now you know where I was when I found out.

list member Jon S. of Contact, Lenns writes:

Dear Ben-
The Full Monty was not at all an Indie flix. It was produced by a major studio and released in a manner to make it look like an Indie movie, so that all the artsy people could go and see it without giving in to "the man".

Dear Jon,
That's the same way this mailing list is run. See, you all think that this I sit down and write all these mailing lists, but the truth is that this mailing is actualy written by a team at Warner Brothers. Thats right, Warner Brothers has scammed all of you. The money you spent to subscribe to this mailing list actualy goes to them, not Ben Garber as you might think.

I was not aware of the full monty deal. I just used it as an example because I thought it was one that people had herd of. Oh well, so much for that argument. SO where does Boogie Nights stand?

letter #2 is from Matt R. of Chocolate, Slovokia:
Dear Matt,
After reading Sylvia's survey answers, I was inspired to send my own. I'm sorry to see how depressing some of your answers are. Don't worry about life. There are no such things as bad parts of life. Just parts that are less good.

Dear Matt,
That was nice of you to console Syvia with such amble words. I could have never said something so beutiful. Thank you also for sending in your own profile. Unfortunately, however, due to lack of space, I am un able to publish your profile thingy. And I will never publish it because I will never have enough space, asshole. Anyways, see ya later.

Please send your mailing list letters to the instructions at the bottom.

This week marks the debt of a brand new section I like to call "Little Known Facts About Ben Garber & Sons." Everyweek I will share with you a little know bit of trivia about myself. This is a dream come true for the die hard Ben Garber fans, now you will know too much. Anyways, here is the first one.

Did you know that I couldn't tie my shoes until I was 11? This is a true fact. Not until 5th grade, I believe it was april or may of 91. Why couldn't I tie my shoes before this? I was to lazy to learn. The 80s were the age of velcro. I remember being 3 or 4 years old and the more velcros you had on your shoes, the cooler you were. Keds didn't count. I remember I once came in with 3 velcros and everyone immediately loved me. Anyways, thats how I got by with out shoe tying. I would always where velcro, until the late 80s when velcro was for babies. So I got these things that were ment for hikers and I would just clip my shoe laces tight and tuck in the laces. No one noticed cause the clips came in the same color as my shoes and most people werent looking at my shoes all day. But then people noticed and made fun of me cause of those things (they didnt know I couldnt tie) One day my mom forced me to learn. It was in my mopms car, in the parking lot of the Lincoln Mall.

This week's album recomendation may sirprise some of you, but most of you probably have it, or at least had it at some point. One day in 6th grade, list member Jon S. brought in a band buy a group no one herd of, and proclaimed they would be big, but every one laughed at him. 2 years later, they came out with another album, and that album slowly became more and more popular, until woodstock happond and every one knew who they were. Then they were really popular for a while then every body hated them passed hell. The band I am talking about is Green Day and the album of the week is Dookie. Now, many people say "they have no talent, its only like 4 chords they suck da da da". Even I went through that phase, but then I realised they sound good. And the drummer and bassist do display some talent. But billy Joe is undoubedly an untalented guitarist, but he was extrodanarily creative. Lets see a show of hand for everybody who can make one of the top albums of the year, win neumorus awards and and have sold out concerts with a 4 chord album. Thyats what Billy Joe did, thats hard to do. Cause where as he might not be talented at guitar, hes damn creative, hes not a stupid guy. And has different sounding songs on it, though they are all in the same genre. Its all punk, but Long View doesn't sound like She very much. A lot of people say it all sounds the same, but we can all tell the difference between When I come around and Basket Case. I think its an excently done album, so pick it up again and put it on again. Its pretty good, I recomend it. This was the album of my summer of 94.

Here is Matt R's long long long profile:

1) What's your full name?
Matthew Ira Rufo
2) Who is the person right now that you have the most faith in?
My chauffeur
3) If you could punish one person right now, who would it be, and what
would their punishment be?
One of the hanson brothers. give them testosterone injections
4) If you could give a child approaching their teen years one piece of
advice, what would it be?
Stay away from the Strand
5) When was the last time you cried?
I pulled my chin muscle when yawning in English class. It hurt A LOT.
6) What's your favorite season?
7) If you were to snap and completely lose it, what do you think would be
the method of your madness?
Extremely compulsive anal retentive disorders (rearranging my individual hairs; cleaning lightbulbs.)
8) Would you rather be alone for the rest of your life, or with the person
you like least?
Person I like least, so I could make fun of him and beat him in mind games.
9) If you found out you only had 2 hours to live, what would be the first
and last things you would do?
I'd first say "Oh my God! I have only 2 hours to live!", and lastly I would write an e-mail to the mailing list.
10) What's the best gift you've ever gotten?
11) What's your favorite movie?
I don't care, anything with ben in it.
12) What would you name your first child if it were a boy?
13) What's your favorite part about the great outdoors?
(other people) skinny dipping
14) Name one thing that drives you absolutely crazy about the opposite
15) Who's the one person who can always make you laugh?
16) What experience(s) in your life thus far has taught you the most?
too deep a thought for this time of night
17) What has been the most difficult experience in your life?
experiencing chin muscle pulls
18) What do you think is the best part about relationships?
occupying the illusion that you are wanted (sniff sniff)
19) What do you think is the most difficult thing about relationships?
20) What's the first thing you usually notice about the opposite sex?
breast size (I apologize, but it's true)
22) What's your favorite childhood memory?
feeding the ducks
23) What song always makes you cry?
the songs in the disney movies when the hero dies
24) What song always makes you laugh?
Fingertips -They Might be Giants
25) If you could go back in time to tell one person, one thing, who would
it be and what would you say to them?
14-year-old ben -"lighten up"
26) What do you consider to be your greatest flaw/weakness?
I can't speak fluent English regularly. (those of you who know me know what I'm talking about)
27)What do you consider to be your greatest strength/attribute?
28) How old are you? 17 in a few days
29) Who do you trust with all your secrets/or knows the most about you?
my bro
30) Do you love anyone...do they know?
I think i love myself more than anyone else, which i consider healthy rather than arrogant
31) What music do you listen 2?
Smashing Pumpkins, Ben Folds Five, Radiohead, Dave Matthews, Stone Roses, happy hardcore
32) What are your future plans?
get into college. go to that college. ummmm......quit the mailing list and rejoin to become the 100th member.....have lots of fun :-D

Anyways, goodnight. Simpsons is on.

so until next week good night.

your champion of the world,
Ben Garber

Thank you for reading this issue of tha Lance Romañce Mailing List. To subscribe, send an email to tendonitus@giantrats.com with the word "Subside" in the subject. For back issues, and just more entertainment, visit www.GiantRats.com.
comercial use or mass emails using the names and/or email addresses of subscribers to this mailing list is strictly forbidden
©1998 Lance Romañce All Rights Reserved
this mailing is anti-dave mathews
email: tendonitus@giantrats.com
website: http://www.giantrats.com