61: fake plastic shoes
2.13.98 5\22Nite

I know that I said this issue would be special but I chose that its not. But we have a now member: Marrow!!!! Hi marrow!!! sorry I scrached your face up. I also know this is a lot of mailings really close together but I will slow down soon. I just have more to fill up these issues and I'm anxious. most of what I have here was planned for that last issue, which was gonna come out later than it did but i had to get in my Carl Wilson tribute, and I wanted to get out this one before I lost the material. (yall havent seen my floor, or at least most of you haven't). I all ready have the next issue planned at that one will be the special issue. That will go out maybe sunday or monday. I am on vacation now. I am maybe going to do something with list memebr Rachel S. tonite, but maybe not. But oh well.

A few thinsg. First I would like to send a shot out to list member Lauren S. Her great grand mother died so I just want to send a shot out to her and hope she feels better. If you see lauren, tell her hello and have a nice day or what ever. Be cool.

Also, another possable Death. Is frank sinatra about to die? He is 87 and has been in and out of the hospitol for months. I think he will die pretty soon so be prepared. Go out and get some Sinatra before he dies.

I thought I would present to you mutha fuckas my Creative writing final exam. I lost the origional questions, so I will provide you with what I remember the origional questions being, but they are not exactly what Connie (my teacher, we go by 1st names at my school) wrote. But you should get the idea. All questions a paraphrased, all answers are exact.

1. Add two paragraphs to this one:
I arived at school late and headed to my locker. When I opened my locker, there was a box that wasn't there before.

My answer: Well, I decided to check the locker number. It was 287, that's my locker. Hmmm... what could have happoned. I opened the box, and there was a pack of Haines Her Way. How did those get in there? I knew they weren't mine.
I went to the principal's office to tell them that someone had been in my locker. I walked in but was surpised to see that my principal was a transvestite! That's when I realised that I had gone to the wrong school. Woops!!! My Bad.

2. What do you think would be an exciting elective for ALP [my scool] to offer that they don't offer all ready?

My answer: An exciting elective that ALP does not offer is Shaving. Its hard to find the time or money or supplies needed to shave. I think it would be fantastic if the school provided us with all the nescisary shaving tools, and allowed us 4 periods a week to make sure we had the finest shave available. My mother would be proud.

3. Describe your favorite food with out naming it.

My answer: Can you guess what my favorite food is? Let me try and describe it for you. My first hint is that its green. Want another hint? Its kind of gooey. Need another? You can get it out of my nose.

4. Complete the following sentences. My answers are in the parantaseas.

a. People don't trust each other because (they are paranoid).

b. I don't know how to (fly) because I never (bothered to learn).

c. Even for a million dollars, I would not (give you two million).

d. The biggest mistake I ever made in life was (not getting circumsised).

e. I would never (wear a toupee).

5. Have an argument between the good you and the bad you.

My answer:
Good me: What should I write now?
Bad me: Write the word "fuck" on your exam.
Good Me: No, that's a bad word. Connie wouldn't apreciate it.
Bad me: No, come on. There is nothing wrong with saying the word "fuck."
Good me: Yes there is, its not nice.
Bad me: Who cares? Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Good me: Don't say that. That's a bad thing to say.
Bad me: Oh, fuck you.

6. What one word or phrase annoys you more than any other?

My answer: "Hello"

7. If you had to describe yourself as a rational, competent, content or ambition person, what would you choose? Why?

My answer: If I had to describe yourself as a rational, competent, content or ambition person, I don't know what I'd choose. I am not sure what those words mean!!!!! I guess maybe I choose rational? I think that's when you don't get rashes or something. Oh, I think I know what content means. Yeah, I think I am pretty content. I'm sure though. Do you think I'm content????????? Oh, dear.

8. What do you think God looks like?

My answer: What do I think God looks like? Are you trying to sell me on something? I think the God of Thunder looks kind of tall and muscular. I think the God of Rain looks similer, but is smaller and wetter. I think the Sun God looks big and round and yellow, and hot too. Then I think all the other gods are walruses, and all the walruses meet once a week to discus the fate of the world.

9. What do your epitaph to say?

My answer: I don't really want an epitaph. In fact, I don't want a grave. I don't want to die!!!!! Oh, hell. Maybe it could read something like "Enter." That would be kind of cool. I want my grave to say "Enter" and have an arrow pointing down. Some one once wrote that on my back.

10. What do you think will happen after you are dead and buirried?

My answer: After I am dead and buirried, life will probably go on. People will still celebrate New Years and the 4th of July, people will go to school and work. Life will be pretty much the same. There will still be things for people to do. Unless I died because the world exploded, that might change things a bit.

11. If you recieved a letter from list member Lauren S. of Da Da, Da, what would it say? How would you respond?

My answer:

dear ben,
what do you think about girls just hopping on top of you?
- lauren, the teenage witch

Dear Lauren,

12. If you recieved the following letter from list member Eric R. of Hot, Snot, what would be your response?

Dear Ben,
I want to know what the hell is going on with Apple. Just a year ago they
were sitting on their butts twiddling their thumbs. Now all of a sudden
they say "Hey! why don't we just do what we have been discussing for the
last 2 1/2 years!" And they are!! Hmmm..

My answer:

Dear Eric,
This is true. Look how much has been achieved by just airing one comercial. I could do that too. I want to market something now. I want to advirtise my butt. It will say "A lot of people think snails smell like crap. But in fact, ben garber's butt doesn't just smell like crap, it produces crap. And all it asks for in return is food (food should only be placed in Ben's mouth)"

13. Write a haiku:

My answer:
Here is my haiku:
The hot sun shines
As the cold cold ice cream melts
And I loose five bucks

14. Describe an audience member at a professional wrestling match.

My answer: The audience is just as screwed up as the wrestlers. Who the hell watches professional wrestling anyways? What a waste of time.

15. I forget what the question here was, but it was something about spacing and poetry i forget.

My answer:

Bill Clinton
has been
trying to
avoid Paula
Jones for
a while
but now
he's in trouble.

16. write a paragraph where you are in a situation where you there is something you know you should do, but you feel bound by obligation to do something else first.

My answer: Well, I know I should leave, I'm late for school, I haven't eaten breakfast, my ass hurts. But damn it, I feel it is my duty and my obligation to finish taking this dump!!!! I am strong!!! I will counquer my will and desire to just save it until later!!!

17. What would be the title of your biography? What would be the first and last lines?

My answer: The title of my biography: Ben Garber (that way, people who want to do research on me won't have trouble finding the book).
The first line will read "call me Ishmal." The last line will be "Then he died."

18. Write a luring love note to your crush, be poetic and romantic, trying to lure him or her to meet with you.

My answer:

Meet me at 10 o'clock.
Please meet me at the dock.
I will try to meet you there.
I'll be sitting on a rock.

19. Write 3 sentences to depict whats going through your head durring a scarry sittuation in which you are scared, with out using the words "scared," "shaking," "fear," and some others i don't remember, but they were all common words used in this situation.

My answer: There is a gun pointed at my head. "Oh oh," I say to my self. I tried breathing slowly, taking deep breaths, counting to 10. I couldn't control myself, I was ready to faint. Then I went black.

20. You have just released a brand new CD and it has gone platnum. What's its title? Whats the name of the hit song?

My answer: I don't like CDs. My newly released platnum record is called "Couches In The Country." Our hit single goes by the same name. Its the title track!!!!!

21. Write the first 2 sentences of a horrer story.

My answer: It was a dark and stormy night. The house was haunted.

22. What's your favorite season? Why? Describe how it looks and smells.

My answer: My favorite season is Wabbit season, cause cause that's when I get to go hunting with my friend Elmer. It looks really green like leaves and brown like bark. It smells like gunsmoke and rabbit flesh.

23. Finnish this sentence: "I look into a mirror and see a reflection of myself and think..."

My answer: I got beat pretty bad yesterday," as I hold a tissue to my nose."

24. What's the best thing about night time? About day time?

My answer: The best thing about night time is its dark as hell, and I don't have to do any work or go anywhere and its a nicer atmosphere and, oh, I just love it. I hate the daytime. The best thing about the daytime is that it sucks.

25. What is the greatest weekness in your writing? The greatest strength?

My answer: The greatest weakness in my writing is that I don't have anything to say. The greatest strength is that it pays the bills.

Well, thats my entire exam. Here are some comments:

-on number 2 i said that 4 periods a week should be dedicated to shaving. Why 4 periods??? That is how many periods a week are dedicated to electives at my school. 2 tuesday morning, 2 tueday afternoon.
-on 4d, i say that the biggest mistake i ever made was not getting circumcised. Now, I'm sure this raised an eyebrow or two, so I will clear that up and tell you that i WAS circumcised (remember: I'm jewish). I put that down because it seemed liuke the most apropriate answer.
-On 5, i say that connie wouldn't like it if i said "fuck." At my school, teachers go by first name. My writing teacher is Connie, and she doesn't like swares. She makes me take them out of stories when I use them in stories and she gets bothered when I use them in conversation.
-i said i didn't know what the words in number 7 ment. I actualy do know all of them except for Competent. Help me please.
-On number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9, I say that some one once wrote "Enter" in my back. That person was list member Leon Z. He did that a few years ago. He also drew a big arrow pointing at my ass. I admit I took that idea directly from him. I just put it on a tomb stone insted of my back. If you seee Leon, tell him "that was a good idea."
- Number 20, I say that the name of my hit record is "Couches In The Country." That is has actualy been the planned title for my cheese band, the federal roosters, album for 3 or 4 years now. But we havent practiced since 1996, but we plan on recording it some day. Me and listmember, and rooster bassist, Tyler E. came up with that in early 95. We wanted to go see pulp fiction at the Cable Car. Its a cool theater cause they have couches. after saying the word couches a few times, the word turned into cow giz, and then we appended a little extra bit to come up with the origional title, "Cow Giz In The Cunt Tree." But this would be a bit too vulger, so it turned back into "Couches In The Country." They are bothe pronounced the same way basicly.
-This week's album recomendation is Dr. Dre's The chronic. It sports ever lovin songs like "FUCK WIT DRE DAY [AND EVERYBODY'S CELEBRATIN'], LET ME RIDE, NUTHIN' BUT A "G" THANG, THE DAY THE NIGGAZ TOOK OVER, DEEEZ NUUUUTS, RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT, and THE ROACH [THE CHRONIC OUTRO]. This was THE album around the time of my Bar Mitzvah, the y played G Thang on the radio every 10 minutes. That summer they played Dre Day even more. It is a great conglomeration of old school rap, funk and hip hop with many a good samples. And its cool cause they use real instruments and stuff usualy. You can't tell me that thats not a real guitar or flute. And that bassist is damn cool. They still use drum machines but they are good soundin, and they got a bounce. Its quite somethin.

List member Nate D. has a radio show now every wednesday. But i will tell you more about that next issue cause it will be out before then. But be sure to check your email by then so you can lissen!!! Also, he has an album out called "Random Acts of music". email him at powai@aol.com for more info.

Anyways, Happy valentines day!!! Have fun in Nam!!!!


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