50: Date: Thu, 11 Dec 1997 22:30:01 EST
Subject: Flight (With a bird of your own creation)

GOOD MORNING. Let me first start by welcoming a brand newd list
member. Who, "You might ask? Well, let me see if any of you can guess.
His name is Corey and he goes to Barrington as a junier. As you might
have guessed, he lives in Barrington. I met him on the set of my movie
that I'm in, as he is in it too. Though he is just an extra as well.
There is one seen where me and him pretyend to talk in the backround,
we are not really talking. Heh heh heh. Well, i guess none of yyou no
him so you wouldn't have guessed. But for your refereence, it is Corey.

WOw, I am having like a glowth spirt or something. This must be my
thousendth mailing in the past week. I have been sending them out every
other day as of the most resently acclaimed past. I have had to run
several special issues, dedicated to such feats as adulthood, death
and not sending out a list in a while. But those have been more forced.
As I write this issue I am feeling it,. I dunno, i have things to say.
For starters, the new issue of SPIN has come into my mail box, and as
usual, I will have some fun and exciting facts from it. Though i will
over most of the good one'sm later on, i will start off now with an
at a glance. The Notorious B.I.G. is on the cover, whereing the title
ARTIST OF THE YEAR, where as the band of the year is noted as being
HEAD. You know what I prefer. Inside, one of my favorite things was
history of shortly lived soft drinks, including New Coke, Ok Soda,
Crystal Pepsi, Pepsi AM, TAB Clear and 7up Gold. I thought that was
pretty cool.

Naybe this issue does not have much point to it. HOWEVER!!!!! I am
gonna sleep now and will finish writing this tomarrow. Thanks for YOUR

Ok, I am back.

you know what I REALLY REALLY like? That is a good question. I hope
have a good answer.

Anyways, one thing I really really like is your mother.

I am sad to announce that I think that I have an addiction to food. Its
wierd. If i go even a day with out it, I start to feel sick and I get a
head ache and eventualy I get dry heav and i don't feel well and oh god
its horrable!!! I can't quit eating!!!! Where can I get treatment?
Please help.

Here is another 2 or 3 of those times that I need help from the
audience (that means you, bobo). I am an adult now, and there are 3
things i need. One tthing is proof. Now, I have school ID but that is
years old and most places do not except that. I do not want a pass port
because it is too big and i want to have it in my wallet, and i can't
a lisence cause i can't drive and don't really care to to the time to
learn. SO, what I need is to know how i can get ID from the state or
city or what ever. I know that there is a place you can go to do
but I REALLY need ID. PLEASE help. I also am curious where i go if I
would like to get my name legaly changed. and, 3rdly, I have to
to vote. I would like to ask for clear, UNBIASED definitions of both
republican, democrat, cool moose, green and any other partys around.
Thank you for your subliminal missions.

Here is a story that I wrote for a goat. The asignment was tell about
some thing you did that had a consequence. Remember, all that copy
righted stuff applies here.

Marshall Arts by Ben Garber 10-7-97

I will never forget the first day that I stole a bracelet from
Marshall's. Boy, did I
learn a lesson from that. It was around mutha's day, back in 1992. I
was 12 years old and I didn't have any money for a gift. I knew that If
I didn't get my mutha a gift, I would be in a lot of trouble. So I
hitched a ride to Cranston and went into Marshall's. I asked if I could
see a bracelet, because I wanted to get it for my mutha. I tried it on,
then ran and hid in some clothes. I was small so they didn't notice me
that easily. They looked for me for like an hour, but never found me.
There were other kids in Marshall's that day, and only the person at the
bracelet counter knew what I looked like. I figured it was a good
now to make my break for the door. So I hid the bracelet and walked
right out the door without any trouble. I then hitched back to
I got home and wrapped it in petrolum jelly and made a card. It was
time for the bracelet to go back into hiding. It stayed underneath my
toilet for a week, as I figured no one would look there. When mutha's
day came, I woke up early, put the bracelet on a plate and made my mutha
some pancakes. I put the pancakes on the plate on top of the bracelet.
Then I put the plate on a tray and brought it to my mutha. This is my
impression of my mutha when I brought her pancakes:
"Ben, its 6 AM. Let me sleep, you little bastard."
"But ma! I brought you pancakes!"
"Shut up I said!!!"
I put the pancakes next to her bed and waited there until she woke up.
This is my impression of my mutha when she woke finally woke up:
"What the hell is this? Hmmmm... (chomp, chomp, chew, chew). Wow!!!
golden bracelet!!! Yahoo!! Thanks, son."
"Your welcome, mutha," I said as I gave my mom a hug, "Happy mutha's
day." She was so happy that I got her such a wonderful gift that she
took me out for ice cream. She never asked where I got it.
I stole a valuable item from Marshall's and got away with it. The
consequence was that my mom was happy and she bought me ice cream. I
guess stealing isn't a bad thing after all! Happy mutha's day

I thought I was clever in this story because the teacher said to
write about something with a concequence. Though she never specified
good or bad, shge was expecting a story where I got in trouble or got
hurt or lost something. Why would she expect the consequence to be a
tastey bowl of ice cream? If you ask me, I am proud of my self.

The first letter is from Mike M. of Mick, Jagger.

Ben, who would say are the five most important people in Rock music
history? Who was your favorite Monkee? What is your favorite David Bowie
song? And why do you think anyone watches Jay Leno over David Letterman?
Could it be because Conan O'Brien follows Leno? Leno sucks!
The Neutroius M.I.K.E

Dear Mikey Smells,
The 5 most important people in rock music are Ron Nasty, Stig O'Hara,
Dirk McQuickly, Barry Wom and Calvin Klien. My favorite Monkee was
Berry, my favorite David Bowie song, of the 3 or 4 that I actualy know
would probably be either All The Young Dudes or The Man Who $old The
World, with my VERY limited bowie vocabulary. People like Jay Leno
because they think he looks like Paul McCartney, another popular fuck

The 2nd letter is from Martha P. of Fields, W.C.

dere ben g -

yew r verie bad at speeling, hav yu know-ticed?

luv, cornflake

Dear Martha P,
How dare you call me a bad speller!!!! You can't even smell your
self!!!! If you look over this fucking letter, you stupid toad head,
migh dod gamn fookin realised that every god fucking damn word is spel;t
correctily and happily. Piss off!!!

This day's album recomendation is something I didn't even know
existed until my birthday. I went into in your ear and on the wall was
a record by The Yardbirds, the band that made Eric Clapton, Jeff Beck
Jimmy Page famous in the very first place. The title read "The Complete
BBC Sessions". Noting the resent trend in BBC session releases (like
beatles, the led zeppelins...)), I desided to check the date. It said
(C)1997. Which means its VERY new. And I took it home and its VERY
good. Featuring the yardbird's signature origional Shapes Of Things, as
well as their signature cover "Train Kept A Rollin," this album also
features a note worthy cover of the McCoy's "Hang On Sloopy" This new
release from the quietly legendary 60s blues/rock/metal band is quite
good. Its fun to here some of the Zeppelin songs developing on this
album, such as How Many More Times. Though the album is not close
to me for my complete dispoasl, I HIGHLY recomend it.

My Mutha's Day story filled the requirment of what the teacher wanted,
except for the fact that I need 600 words and i only had 400. So I
the following 2nd part and brought above 700. Copyright stuff still
aplies, and here goes....

The next mutha's day, being 1993, came along about a year later.
Again, I had
no money and again I knew that I would be in trouble if I didn't get my
mutha a gift. I was too lazy to steal this time, so I decided to get a
job and earn some money to get her a gift. I was hired for work at a
restaurant downtown called Bugaboo Creek Steak House. I worked there
every day as a bus boy. I got paid about 4 dollars an hour. But I
wanted to get something nice for my mother, I wanted to get her a pearl
necklace this time. A really nice one, with her name engraved on it.
But the one I wanted to get her cost over two hundred dollars. That
meant I had to work extremely long hours, which meant I had to skip
school to work them. I skipped school everyday for 2 weeks. I washed
tables and dishes and ovens and did everything they asked me to. I
didn't even get anything to eat because I made more money if I didn't.
Finally I had enough money to buy my mutha a necklace. I got it for her
and did the same thing I did the year before. This is my impression of
my mutha waking up to find the pancakes:
"What the hell is this? Hmmmm... (chomp, chomp, chew, chew). Wow!!!
pearl necklace! This is a nice one!!!! And it has my name on it! How
did you get the money for this?"
I didn't expect that. I told her I got a job.
"When do you have time for a job?"
"I skipped school."
My mutha threw a fit. Wow, I learned my lesson. I had never seen her
so angry before. I guess working hard for something just isn't worth
Rewards come from thievery.

And now, fun facts from Spin MAgazine:
For starters, Ithe cover sports the Notorious B.I.G. I was kind of
sirprised to find that he had one the Artist Of The Year, which Beck
last year. I don't really consider either to be all that spectacular,
though both respectable. I dunno any of biggie's music really, but lets
face it, Beck is very creative. Though I am not a big fan. How ever,
the band of the year is Radiohead. those are my boys!!!! I am VERY VERY
proud of themm. Anyways...

- Florida's Supreme Court has reinstated the use of the death penalty
after a seven-month halt in executions triggered by the gruesome
malfunction of "Old Sparkey," the state's electric chair. In March,
death row prisoner Pedro Medina's head exploaded into flames. Experts
have now determined that fire was a result of "human error." This
ruling reaffirmed the court's belief that "electrocution is not cruel or
unusual punishment."
- The FBI's index of hate crimes reported 7,947 hate crimes in 1995.
Race motivated 4,831 of the incidents, religion 1,277, and sexual
oientation 1,019.
- Earlier this year, a Tennessee woman took two pain pills and went to
sleep. When she awoke, she found that her vagina had been superglued
shut. Newport, Tennessee, Police Detective Robert Caldwell testified
before a grand jury that the woman's husband admitted to disenabling his
wife because she was "cheating on him and he wanted to teach her a
lesson." Though a restraining order was initially issued against the
man, the couple is again living together. They plan to move to North
- Over the past 27 years, the percent of Americans incarcerated on drug
charges has risen from 16 percent of the total centenced population to
more than 60 percent.
- A Florida woman's refusal to give her daughter money for shoes
the girl to set fire to the family home. The 17-year-old hich school
dropout threatened that "there'll be hell to pay" if her mother did not
give her $230 to pay for seven pairs of shoes she had ordered. Hell
in the form of a fire the girl set in her mother's closet, leaving 13
family members homeless.
- Warren Griffen III, better known as hip-hop presence Warren G, is
threatening legal action against country music star Garth Brooks over
use of the letter "G." Mr. Griffen has trademarked the consonat and
feels that Brooks's use of its lowercase form in promotional merchandise
infringes upon his exclusive right to the seventh letter of the
Lawyers for both sides say they hope the matterwill be "worked out
- An essay contest in Washington State and Oregon that gave away horses
to the young winners was later found to have been sponsored by a
71-year-old man who served six years in prison for third degree
rape and second degree assault. He is thought to have become friendly
with the winners, three sisters and their two female cousins, ages seven
to 18, by letting them ride their new horses on his ranch. Despite the
unpleasent assoociations, both families will let the girls keep their
horses. As the mother of one of the winners put it, the girl is "in
with it."
- A University of New Hampshire study found that spanking results in
more, not less, antisocial behavior. The more spanking, the more
problems the child will have as he gets older, reserchers found. They
defined antisocial behavior as cheating, lying, disobedience at school,
or not feeling sorry after misbehaving.
- According to CNN, recent studies have shown that 90 percent of
parents spamk their children.

Anyways, that is all for now, so until next wekk, good night baby.

your staggering stab,
Ben Garber (not yet wounded)

Thank you for reading this issue of tha Lance Romañce Mailing List. To subscribe, send an email to tendonitus@giantrats.com with the word "Subside" in the subject. For back issues, and just more entertainment, visit www.GiantRats.com.
comercial use or mass emails using the names and/or email addresses of subscribers to this mailing list is strictly forbidden
©1997 Lance Romañce All Rights Reserved
this mailing is anti-dave mathews
email: tendonitus@giantrats.com
website: http://www.giantrats.com